breakthrough nate Is it even possible? Could such an amazing thing, which defies all known scientific theories about the world, possibly be correct? 021106 ... oh yeah i got 1 2 3 4 5 666 021106 ... paige ------disclaimer, some names have been deleted to protect the innocent-------- Trust me, Paige, this is healthy. This is the only thing you can really do for yourself right now besides pray. Pray and pray and pray. I got a lot of crying out this morning and a lot of anger too. Now I’m at work… with a mundane task ahead of me that should take my mind off of all of this. I’m depressed. I haven’t been able to admit it to myself, but I am really, really depressed. Why else haven’t I bought furniture or a TV for my place yet? Why am I putting that off? Why did I buy curtains that I really liked, but never hung them up? Why haven’t I got my furnace fixed yet? Why am I sleeping in the cold? Because those things fuel the depression, duh. Because if I keep my home looking so down right depressing, I can stay depressed, which is what I want!!!!! WHOO HOO! I’m depressed. I’m fucking depressed! Me?!! I’m depressed! Again! I can’t concentrate, all I focus on is the pain. I work on other stuff, but it never, ever, gets my full attention. I’m turning to comic books and pretending that everything is okay all the time. Way to fucking go, Paige. You’re fucking depressed again!! At least you’re not being self-destructive this time. Well, you are, I mean the furniture and the furnace-thing are just FUCKING ridiculous! Why? Paige. Why did you let this happen? Go out there and do something about it, damn you. Damn you, Paige. What the fuck is wrong with you? Why did you do this again? Why? What do you have to be depressed about? What has happened to you, really? Why do you look in the mirror and not think you’re attractive? Why are you pushing everybody away? Why didn’t you get your furnace fixed? Why don’t you have anything in your place? Why are you a husk, a ridiculous, pitiful husk of a person? Why haven’t you been listening to yourself and doing the things you tell yourself to do? That voice inside lets you know… it lets you know when you’re heading that way. You have to beat this. You can’t let them beat you. What the fuck is wrong with you? Why did you do this to me? Why? Paige!!! You’re fucking killing me here!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What is soooooo wrong with just not having any man to love you, ever?!????!!?? You’ve got God. You’ve got Jesus. You’ve got your mom. You’ve got your cats and your dogs and your friends-who are infatuated with you and make you feel uncomfortable and dirty. You’ve got your ex who wants to get back with you for all the wrong reasons. You’ve got that idiot _________ who thinks you’re some security blanket that can be discarded under the bed whenever he doesn’t need you. Your life is great!!!!!!!!!!!! What about this job? What about this damn job? You want to help people and you feel “stuck behind the desk”. You don’t have enough authoritative figures telling you you’re doing the right thing, or the wrong thing, telling you what to do- period-. You’ve gotten no real constructive criticism since you started working here! You just get a lot of “that’s good”. “Good job.” I swear, I sit back here on my ass and write all this crap and bunches of e-mails and blathes on blather and they don’t even fucking pay a damn bit of attention! And I’m not doing any good here! There are things I could be doing that would be productive, but it DOES NOT feel like this mundane task is one of them. April Landers! Why haven’t I called her yet? Why? Because I don’t want the fucking feeling of accomplishment that will come if I call her. I don’t want to feel like I got anything done here! I want to feel like this job is pointless and I’m ALL WRONG for the position. I mean, I can’t stand senior citizens, because I always think of my mom and dad. They were over the age of 55 most of my life. I always think of seniors as stuck in their ways, scary, small-minded, and unmoving. I have to help all the seniors in this community, and I can’t bring myself to want to on any given day. Isn’t that great? I don’t want my job!! Fuck!! I don’t want my new home!! My job! My life! I just want to sit in a hole, in my barren, depressing trailer of a hole with my comic books and my cats for the next year and a half, sucking away my inheritance like a teet and THAT WOULD MAKE ME FEEL BETTER, EH??????? Just throw the only POSSIBLE sources of happiness and good feeling in my life right down the drain! I’ve been deliberately ruining this job. I’ve been deliberately not doing a good job at this job. Deliberately didn’t call April Landers, cause I knew she’d answer and I knew I’d really accomplish one of the goals in my work-plan by talking to her. It has felt like FEAR. It’s fucking felt like FEAR!! I have been AFRAID to call her. I have been AFRAID to accomplish something. I have been AFRAID to buy furniture because it might actually make me feel better. And when you’re depressed you do everything you can to not feel better. That’s what prescription drugs are for. They give you the excuse- so you don’t actually work on your problems at all yourself. You don’t have to deal with your own shit, let the drugs do it. You’re too afraid to make all these confessions to yourself and you’re EVEN MORE AFRAID to actually do something about these confessions once you’ve made them!!! How cool is that? How fucking cool is that? I should go get some happy-pills that have never made a single person happy. Cause then, I’d get the chance to shirk the responsibility of dealing with my own shit!!!!! the end. 051118 ... Risen I had a real breakthrough last night. I am in_love_with_love - that is my problem. It has never been one of cheating, or going after exes or anything else. Not the wanting what I cannot have. It is deeper than that, and at the root of it all, I am in love with love. 160201 ... unhinged i am chronically ill. other people in my life don't understand my chronic illness. gentleness needs to prevail for all sides to reach a conclusion that is healthy for me. (thanks toni bernhard) 160201 what's it to you? who go blather from