i_don't_know
H. Heitz we talk and laugh and spend time
the evening went so fast
as did the night.
we had dinner, watched a movie, made out...
but i dont know.
so suddenly, this new,bright, shiney, Love?...
but i dont know.
love? you havnt asked me if i love you.
we touch, and play, and care for each other.
but if you asked me, i would say
i dont know.
i love your friendship dearly.
but i dont know.
is it just lust that drives me?
i dont know.
and so you left me empty,
even though you couldnt help it
and now i sit and wonder
and answer my relentless questions
"i dont know."
020321
...
blown cherry who I can trust

where loyalties lie
020322
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blown cherry why I go out of my way to hurt myself 020322
...
silentbob don't say you don't know
don't torture me with false ignorance
don't shrug off effort to search your
mind heart soul spirit body everything
don't tell me those lies
don't hide your eyes
don't forget the fire i started that you smothered with pain
you hurt me
and i don't even know why i keep coming back to you. You don't deserve my retarded heart.
020322
...
Syrope i think my heart's retarded too bobby. 020322
...
Red #5526714 Kate Rogers
Sick of Being Sick
I feel the thin crisp sheets of dried plastic shift in my eyes as I blink repeatedly at the glowing blue screen in front of me. I've been here for hours though it seems to have been minutes. When I first sat down I could hear the chatter of my siblings arguing to stay up for the last roll of credits on the show they had just been watching, the soft almost soothing hum of the dryer, and the loud sudden blasts of the laugh track on the “Cosby Showreruns. All these noises have silenced. I can't remember what has come to pass in these last few hours. I sit in contented silence until the sudden burst of a cough reaches my ears and I come to realize that it's me coughing. I mechanically inform the constant dings on my computer that I will be right back and I make my way up to the kitchen. I open the cabinet and pull out the two bottles of cough syrup that I have reached for at every sudden coughing attack. I open the smaller bottle and pour what's left of it into the measuring spoon. What was left doesn't fill it so I have to open the second bottle. I find it unusually easy to open the second bottle. I think to myself how odd it is that this bottle doesn't have a child proof cap when the smaller one did. It fails to bother me any further as I pour enough cough syrup to fill my dosage for the night. I pause before I put the bottle down and then lift it back to pouring position. I add more cough syrup to the measuring spoon, as much as it will hold, which is well past the dosage. I'm finally content with my choice and I replace the cap. When I twist the cap back onto the bottle I feel the child proof lock click into place. I guess the cap had been on wrong when I first opened it. As I lift the medicine to my mouth I realize what I am doing, but it has no effect on my actions. I pour the nauseating substance down my throat and follow it with three glasses of water. The taste is so strong and bitter that my body shivers with disgust and even three glasses of water fail to dilute it. I make my way back down to the computer. I no longer notice the friction of my contact lenses against my eyes. My cough had disappeared after the second glass of water. My pace of walking has slowed. I slump back into my chair. My eyes once again fixed on a bright but now black screen. I feel the strain return to my eyes. It is easily ignored. The silence around me becomes unbearable. I can feel it pounding at my ears. As the numbers on the clock rapidly jump to the future I can faintly make out images of spiders and insects from the corner of my eye. The once dimly lit room now emits a harsh blinding light. I feel my legs wanting to move. To stand. I know why they will not. I allow myself to realize where I am. I am not seated in the swivel chair where I had first told myself. I'm on a cold stone floor. My head is throbbing. My breath is shallow. I haven't coughed in over an hour. No one else is awake and soon even I won't be aware of my state.

i don't know why i wrote this but it came out of my head so beautifully and it really kinda sucks except for the fact that writting it kept me from doing it...
020922
...
red # something oh look it's my name right at the top...um...yeah i forgot..well why bother using my awesome yet lame made up one when i have my real one...shit i'm out of it tonight 020922
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red...again um that's not the title i gave this story...who fucked with my computer while i was gone....? WHO!?!?? 020922
...
r oh and by the way that wasn't like typical cough syrup shit cuz i doubt a bottle of that would do anything but cure your cough...just so people don't llok at that and say damn she's dumb she thinks people on children's tylenol...although if you could stomach enough i'm sure anythings possible... 020922
...
r the bit about the loose cap has no purpose i just noticed that while i was doing this but i kinda made up everything after thr pause cuz i just put the damn thing down instead... 020922
...
r next time i'll save myself the trouble and keep this kinda shit to myself... 020922
...
splash of orange yes you fucking do.

i am so sick of this shit. just tell me what you want.
021115
...
*silent screams I don't know.
ooo but I do.
I know every single god damn thing I never seemed to know before.
I guess it's too late for that.
I guess it was my mistake...
I guess I'll sit here writing about the one person I can't seem to get out of my head and realize all the reasons why I deserve everything I'm getting.

I have nothing left to hide.
I hope you know that now

...if i promised to be everything that you wanted me to be...would that change your mind?
or would u only tell me that u don't know...
030423
...
shorlove "jack off jill" OR "genitorturers"? 030423
...
minnesota_chris I've never felt love. I've felt affection, and I take that in exchange. 040511
...
JdAwG I remember a point in time when I wasn't afraid to say I don't know. Now I'veb ecome reliant on a phrase that proves my own incompetence. Most time's it isn't that I don't know, it's that I don't want to know. Or I don't want anyone else to know. I'd rather be though of as a doofus than someone with thoughts and opinions. Slowly I'm coming out of my shell, but slowly isn't quite fast enough 040511
...
u24 I wonder how different the me you know and the me I am are. 040806
...
pete i dont know if i will send these words, but you know doar ive been writing in this little booklet with you in mind, because writing becomes easier when i write to someone... well prose writing... 040806
...
Doar Praise twice in one week. I_don't_know what to say.

As long as I'm in a safe mindfield, it's all good.
040806
...
pete as long as you don't mind the occassional glimpse and shimmer of insanity exploding in your face, delegging you and leaving you alone lost in the middle of the mindfield... i don't know where i'm going with this 040806
...
pigeon i don't know why people treat me the way they do. i help everyone, and they are so quick to stab me in the back. who_needs_friends_when_you_have_enemies. 040806
...
spiffy my favorite phrase. it's quite handy. few people do i talk to that i actually try to replace "i don't know" with real answers. 040806
...
anne-girl embarassed, I'm not sure, what am I talking about anyway?

I'll just shut up now, idon'tknow idontknow idont know just leave me alone
nevermind
idontknow
040825
...
blown cherry some days are good,
but some days aren't
040825
...
kunG FU ! i hope today is better than yeaterday 070418
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Kuffed and cooped kuffed and cooped...
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070418
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Kuffed and cooped kuffed and cooped...
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070418
...
no reason i don't know how i'm going to sleep tonight
figures this it would be right before my trip
it's hard when you still want but you know you shouldn't but maybe you should because why shouldn't you and i don't know i don't know i don't know
i don't even think this is what i want to say or what i mean
i wish i could talk to someone right now but i don't know what i'd say or maybe i wouldn't say much
080624
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hfse what this is..
it seems to have been some kind of transformation.
a loss of innocence

This isn't always bad
and I don't know if I would prefer to have never met him, but his memory is a bitter pill.

Every song is him. I find him over and over in archetypes of masculine power: he is the sun king. I have been idolizing him.

He is Victor Frankenstein, he is the Zanni Harlequin of italian comedy, that trickster-schemer, a devil from Malacoda's posse, the wailing moon: full and ascending. His is a tone of somber confession, a song of thoughtful sorrow. Romantic and raw. Unfinished. Looking for love. Scattering it all around. Leaving it behind. Lighting the way.
Like him and I.
He calls himself Apollo.
His is the gift of music. His is the proffer of love and devotion. I am his sister. It's what I wanted to be.
Our meeting was a cosmic accident: two who never should have met. Thereafter feels like my trajectory has been altered. I have doubted all my life because of a glimpse through a static window. Possibilities appeared endless but I remained restrained. The fifth dimension is inaccessible. I can never go back. I mourned the passing of time and recall it hazily now. He is leaving me slowly but steadily as half-life dissipates, a drug through my body. And time grows longer, and I have counted events to mark it's passage, still treasuring the increasingly pallid memory of his toxic presence. He was honest. Ernest. I doubted him, was full of fear.

The real person seems to have served as a model for me to create something out of the ordinary. I don't know him; never have. I never will.
121001
...
hfse I will never talk to you again, but we will both keep existing, for now.

That I don't know is the only constant I can rely on.
121001
...
hfse and my heart is retarded too 121001
...
hfse I think it's spelled earnest 121001
what's it to you?
who go
blather
from