melancholy_and_the_infinite_sadness Aimee 01 I've been sitting here for about an hour. Staring at the screen, and the only thing that crosses my mind over and over is, what is wrong with me? I spend more of my time unhappy, than I ever did happy. I have the desire to be happy, but it feels so impossible. Want to hear something scary... at least I find it disturbing, but I seriously want to die. I'm not afraid of it anymore. 8th grade was the last time anyone ever talked to me about suicide, and I was scared then of hell. I don't even know if God exists so how can I bother being scared? I just don't know how much more I can handle. I have so much pressure on me right now, and I have so much anger within me. Last night, as I was searching for a scholarship application I craftily lost, I consciously noticed myself locking away what was wrong. I hid it, or at least tried my damnedest to. I noticed it, and when I did. I tried harder to hide it, cause I can't handle being upset. I haven't had an emotional/nervous breakdown since 8th grade. Which is around the time I started trying to hide everything I feel. I should have been to a psychologist a long time ago, but now it's too late. I just wish to God that now I had the resources to end my life. "If I had a gun - there'd be no tomorrow" Which I, seriously wonder is true. If I had that gun on my kitchen table, would I do it? Would I have the balls (amazing considering I'm female) to pick it up and just shoot? I've brought knives into my room, with the full intention of doing something... what I never quite got to... usually cause mom called me downstairs or the phone rang, or I just was too weak in my mind to want to think about it. I just don't know what to do anymore... I feel so lost, and completely useless all the time. What good do I do for anyone? lately, I just sit there and depress everyone around me. I want to be left alone, but at the same time, I don't want to be. Please, just give me opportunity... just please give it to me. let me send out those letters I've written over and over again, and let me enter into eternity! I don't care about "heaven" or "hell" cause they most likely don't exist. I think now would be an apt time to quote something. Most of you know it... To be or not to be: That is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing them? To die: to sleep, No more; and, by a sleep to say we end The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep; To sleep: perchance to dream: Ay, there's the rub; For in that sleep of death what dreams may come When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, Must give us pause. There's the respect That makes calamity of so long life; No more need be said 010225 ... firehunden a cry for help? maybe not. finding your place, your balance, maybe. a friend? 010225 ... dB. Ah, the joys of youth. Does anyone remember being like that? Anyway, suicide; Dead issue. Your call, although I wouldn't reccoment it, unless becoming small heap of compost is your idea of fun. Look, all these sad "Feelings" that you are having I can explain to you exactly what causes all of it, and it's effects. But I'm not going to bother. Look, if you feel this way, enjoy it. It makes you feel good being lonely, and sad and lathargic. You enjoy feeling like that and that is why you don't try to change anything. I was like that too. Just focus all those feeings into something, writing, music or whatever form of expression you like. It's often the art from tormented souls like yourself that people pay HEAPS of money for because it is something that they themselves will never understand. Enjoy it while you can. Your perception will change in time. Do something NOW, before you lose that. 010225 ... aimee A cry for help indeed, but that cry is always unanswered. I'm a hopeless case, and when I finally end it, I'll just be one less person in this world. 010225 ... unhinged you see the river but you can't cross it one foot in the boat one foot on land but the wind carried to you a voice one last rememberance of home and you turned away from the crossing the harvest finished it seemed best to walk away cross over to the space beyond but every season redeems itself eat some chocolate. the serotonin will help. as much as it probably means nothing to you to hear me say this, it does go away. i would have never believed it either but it does. you will be surprised how much stronger you will be when you become accustomed to the heavy weight. it makes you nothing but stronger. 010225 ... dB Unhinged, you can say all you want. She will only hear that what she wants to hear. All she wants to hear is how bad things are. Nothing you can say or do will change her mind. People in that frame of mind are stubborn as (ain't that right Aimee :-) 010225 ... Rhinna Aimee, At least your feeling honey. That is alot more than most people do. I'm not going to give you any useless, unwanted advice. Instead, I just want you to know that I have been there. Who hasn't! Of course not in your exact position, because I don't know you, and because each human being is unique in his/her own way. Souls are like snowflakes...no two are the same. Aimee, I have a gun. I can't tell you how many times that I have held it in my hand...in my mouth. It lives inside my hatbox, which at the moment, is sitting 5 feet from my person. My friends have tried to talk me out of keeping it, but I rather like having it around. It has symbolism for me. It was something that I beat...something that I use to think was so much stronger than me. Now I realize, that it only has the power that I give it, because by itself, it's just a piece of cold hardware. I have a note taped to the top of the hatbox, which reads...'Think of those who love you'. Those are my magic words. That is why I am still alive. What are your magic words Aimee? Instead of thinking of reasons to let go, I always force myself to think of the things that keep me here. No matter how small or trivial the reason for living may be, it's still a reason... 010225 ... tourist Ah Yes! Misery and grief, the boon companions of us all ( at some point of our brief existance) God knows they tormented me for long enough, and I never could get anyone to explain Why, Why Me, Why am I so out of sync with everybody else that seem so happy? Till I finally just decided to quit wasting my time with my misery, Till I realised that it was a lot of work and effort to keep it going. Part of this came in no longer struggling for superlatives, Great highs seem to beget Great Lows, so I learned to take trhe middle road. I became an observer rather than an actor, even to the point of observing my own thought processes. Trying to maintain an inner calm, and acceptance of all situations. I decided there was nothing to life but to watch it like a play, or a movie. In time I found that all my problems took care of themselves in their own fashion. I found work, love, freindship, adventure all without struggling.All things did truly come to those who wait. as long as you don't put expectations on the events that come your way. Either that , Or I have just learned to Love the Blues..... 010226 ... peyton you choose what you wish to be you choose how you wish to feel deep down.. you are what you want to be deep down.. you are what you created don't cry over your creation 010226 ... dB Humans often make the mistake of jusging themselves and others by their feelings. If you'd just learn to let go of the idea that these chemicals mixing around in your brains actually mean anything, you'll be alot better off. 010227 ... Grievance ~~Emotions can either guide, or destroy you, depending upon how you use them. Now if I'm sad I'm floating, instead of being lost in the drowning of everything below. I only considered suicide for real once in my life, and for a very brief instant in my life. The thing that always disillusioned me, was that it wasn't the other people's love for me that mattered, it wasn't my own misseries that condemed me, it was my own perceptions that closed me. People might love me or not, i could choose to see it either way, and truth is an abstract concept. It isn't solid ground, it's always changing. Sometimes, I think even suicide is a justified action, BUT NEVER DUE TO LACK OF BELIEF IN THE SELF. Suicide, i think could only be considered moral(another abstract concept) if the person was totally believing in themselves. But it's so rare for that to even matter. I too, became a watcher of life, i had to know it's deepest secrets. I still do. And that intensity drove me on, and i could sit back and watch almost anything with indifferance. Life isn't visible through your eyes, unless you first open the ones inside you. Intensity was my drive, my passion. I lived for the red. Now I'm realizing also, that you also need to allow things to grow, but stepping back, but that even that can be done in intensity. But you must not fatigue your resources. If you can set yourself up a self sustaining system, then you can walk in mirth. And mirth doesn't just take the forms people have been so trained to accept. Mirth is infinite, mirth is really only your own ability to adapt; your perceptions, and your reality. Most 'Jovial' people are never really that jovial. But they've spent a long time carving a theatrical mask smiling at the world. and some even spend as much time carving sadness. neither correct in wholeness. Mirth is where you find it, and it can be found anywhere. You just have to recognize it. Some people have already described the first entry as a state of mirth. often people become so sad because they're being torn between what they've always "known" and what they're realizing. So if you keep realizing, you'll find your mirth. Please, let your emotions, your realizations be your guide, not your destroyer. 011205 ... ClairE I didn't think it went away. It can. 011205 ... doesnt matter oh flippin a. Listen here, as a person who has thought about suicide on numerous occasions, you're not going to do it. There is still something on this terrible earth that keeps you here. And thats not a bad thing. I'm still here so are other people I know who have seruiously thought about killing thenselves. So live on baby doll. If I can do it anyone can 050126 what's it to you? who go blather from