quietly_furious Annie111 seething 020122 ... *_the missing link_* quiet_insults_for_your_hungry_ears 020122 ... *_the missing link_* fuck! i mean quiet_insults_to_your_hungry_ears 020122 ... sabbie oh, you still have no idea, do you.... 020123 ... Its only me At whatever causes you to feel as though you are anything less than amazing. 020123 ... misstree the most dangerous smiles 020124 ... jestification it's not even worth my breath. it is not even worth me. saying 'oh, you're sorry?' fuck you....i'll say it with my eyes. or the absence of them. 020124 ... kelli crane fache' enojado irritado arrabbiato veragert fucking pissed off! 020125 ... She When your whole body tenses and you clench your jaw and you hold your breath until your dizzy, just to get your mind off what has upset you? 020807 ... silent storm Because I am forced to pretend that I'm happy around these bastards who call themselves my parents. I can't show that I'm dying inside. That the pain of being away from the one I love, not even being able to speak to her, is fucking killing me. If they see how this is affecting me, they'll just be even more angry with me. Why? I don't know. Maybe they'll realize that I am NOT confused. That I really am in love with a woman. That I DO want to spend the rest of my life with her. They can't know that I don't want to have anything to do with them. Not now. I'm sick and fucking tired of them controlling my life. But if I tell them that now, when I have nothing, I will be forced to be on my own sooner than I can prepare myself for it. All I want is to be with her, but I don't know how I will do that. I have to make a decision that will ultimately affect the rest of my life. I can't do this by myself. Why should I even have to? Her life will be affected by this decision as much as mine. And yet, I'm feeling as though I have to do this alone. The only comfort I have is knowing that whatever I decide, I will be with her. Quietly furious because I can't be with her right now. I can't take away her pain and make it my own just so she won't hurt anymore. I can't be there to show her that I love her. That I will never leave her. That when I say forever, I mean forever. I feel so helpless. Why does she doubt that I love her? Why can't I be there to at least try to ease her mind? Why is it that two people who love each other so much are forced to be apart from each other? How can our lives be controlled by geography and two narrow-minded, conservative assholes? 020807 ... syrope ...what i really want to do is rip the walls in half and push the house over into a heap of rubble. i can't breathe, i can't see straight, there's an uncontrollable surge of pure hate and anger in the back of my throat that keeps my explosive shreiks down to animalistic whimpers and an occasional hot tear seeping out of my burning eyes. why can't i just be treated like a person for once. just one time. the complete shock of someone treating me as an equal in this fucking asylum would be enough to numb me from all future emotion...all i can do is draw in shuddering breath after shuddering breath to keep from suffocating and hug myself..rocking back and forth. im so close to getting out of here...but the closer that day gets the more unbearable this place becomes. no one knows how bad its gotten, and no one understands what getting out of here means to me. 020808 ... kerry passive_aggressive 020808 ... jane at myself because i_did_something_awful_today and now i can't redeem myself 020808 ... counterentity for having given up the opportunity. for turning my back. for refusing to face the truth. and now it's too late. 020808 ... unhinged when you walked over to me and put your arms around me, i wanted to push you away but i wasn't sober and i wasn't about to start a fight. is a hug supposed to make it better now? am i being irrational for still being pissed months later? don't_come_back. don't think you can just walk back. but of course you are coming back so you can hold your place. you have never been able to stand people showing you up have you? don't expect me to dance, don't expect me to smile, don't expect me to hug you, don't expect me to be happy. i can be a rational human being. but i won't forget the past. can i live with you after that? i don't know. i've seen true happiness and believe me, you were not part of it. i have grown stronger because of you and without you. i screamed goodbye along time ago. fuck_you 020808 ... a glint of tildans fury so why is it so loud in my head? 020812 ... silent storm grrrrrrr! stop throwing your fucking religion in my face! 020813 ... dondeestanlosjaguares The feeling that hope is the only thing you can hang on to other than that love that exists in between the two of you. Such feelings I can easily comprehend silent storm. . . 020813 ... voodoo sitting on the edge of your couch listening to this story told to me by one person i actually do trust becoming more and more furious at you with each passing word you appear from your bedroom just as if nothing happened sit next to me phone call is over i can't find the words to express my absolute disgust silence for a minute head in my hands fighting the tears i'm fucking leaving walk out slam doors drive away yet another phone call this one from you whom i don't trust at all in this moment what? figure it out not a word for days then, noting with meaning i'm over reacting you say ha under reacting is more like it wouldn't you say? but what would you know you see nothing wrong with sharing yourself with her and me in the same night i'm your girlfriend she's a whore but you don't see that how could you of course i'm quietly furious about it to this day even though i seemed to find forgiveness 030812 ... . . 040513 ... unhinged 'i will never believe the myth of forgiveness between us.' and i guess i've learned my lesson. you changed my life after i got the will to get out of bed. after all the trying and self_hate, i knew better with him. so i don't even try. i just stopped calling. his birthday is in a month and a half. i feel like i should call. but i haven't talked to him in six months. and there would probably be this big fight. we always fight on the telephone. even though i erased his number out of my phone a year to the day after we met again, i still know it by heart. but i won't call because i know now that our only common interest was him. there are so many things i've practiced saying to him at night when i'm trying to fall asleep but when we are voice to voice i know, nevermind, i have nothing to say. because he wouldn't understand any of it; coke does that to a person. makes them mean and selfish. you can do what you want, but i don't have to let you abuse me because of it. it's almost been a year and now i miss you more than ever; the old you and the old me and the way we were old together. 'time won't ever swallow everything' and just so there can be some little piece left in my heart that loves you, i sit hours away quietly_furious, every airborne express truck that passes me a uniform reminder. i miss what it felt like to be in love, but i don't think i miss what it felt like to be in love with you. am i really that invisible? i still think about you everyday but there_are_no_words_here i have found a few truths in my life. the most important being 'you cannot redo a thing that has been undone' 040513 ... Mahayana b/c you have no idea how many times i am reminded of 'it', every song, tv show, movie, and news paper talks about it [cheating is everywhere] and now it has consumed the space in my head ... and in the silence that was the empty hole in my soul... i do fine for awhile i manage to forget and some song, some tv show mentions it as if its grabbing at my heart squeezing one last time to finish me off ... i could never imagine hurting someone in this way. [yet i wonder which is worse to be the one inflicted or the one inflicting]i wish i didnt care and could 'just get over' but i cannot ... we all have our one method inwhich we are greatly wounded ... and you knew about mine, yet you did it to me. 040726 ... unhinged i sit in a crowded dim bar watching you with someone else like there was nothing that passed between us. i never wanted a relationship with you either, but that said things did pass between us. frames and frames and frames of things; bruises, scabs. if you knew me just a little bit better than naked, you would know that public jealousy isn't my style. that pointing the finger at someone else isn't my style. and i know it; i know you want me to chase you so you can feel needed. but what do i need you for? after all these months with no phone calls or sober interactions, no attempts at knowing me i'm supposed to chase you? no, that isn't my style. so i'll sit quietly on a bar stool sucking down drinks faster than it takes you to acknowledge my presence. a whole hell of a lot faster than it took you to realize that i'm a human being. the only words i trusted myself to say 'i hate you' and you need me to tell you why. after what i've been to you for all these months, you need me to tell you why. i don't trust myself to tell you why. i'm not one for public scenes. if you pulled it out of me, i can't promise that i would stay quiet. i don't want to sit there watching you rub my insignificance in my face anymore. so buy the prettier girls drinks and flowers. brag to your friends about them like you want to. i'd rather spend my thursday nights alone being quietly_furious from now on. 050316 ... unhinged 'if you are mad at him, you need to tell him. i know you. you get so pissed at people and then you don't say anything and they don't even know that you're angry at them' 080728 ... Lemon_Soda Thats called propriety. Here's a tip: If someone constantly pisses you off STOP BEING AROUND THEM. IF your constantly pissed at everyone i.e. noone can go for long around you without pissing you off than the problem is "inhouse". I've found putting my expectations on myself instead of others has helped tremendously. Its not like they owe you anything anyway. The only person who owes you anything is you. 080729 ... unhinged well...he doesn't constantly piss me off. it's just the whole are_you_fucking_serious fiasco that happened on sunday. but it seems as if given_time anyone will do something bad or crazy or annoying enough to seriously piss me off. i am always ready and willing to place blame where blame is due and shoulder my responsibility for the situation. 080729 ... Lemon_Soda I never considered yo uunhinged, Unhinged. ;) 080730 ... LEMON SODA RESPONDING CHECK 081110 ... In_ I was Even under kind smiles Even under kind embraces 081110 ... In_Bloom IMAGINE DONALD DUCK TIRADE HERE *mis key strokes* No more quiet 081110 ... Lemon_Soda Hmmm...not me again...curiouser and curiuoser.. 081110 ... In_Bloom Being new to blather, I just assume this is some 'in crowd' play. hmmmm is right 081110 ... In_Bloom This is something I've improved upon The not doing it part because it's not worth it To say nothing Seething And for what For whom? Enough is enough 090809 ... unhinged i am not quiet about my ferocity anymore even at the risk of hearing trite cliches 'tell us how you really feel' over and over and over again 190121 what's it to you? who go blather from