Annie111 seething 020122
*_the missing link_* quiet_insults_for_your_hungry_ears 020122
*_the missing link_* fuck!
i mean
sabbie oh, you still have no idea, do you.... 020123
Its only me At whatever causes you to feel as though you are anything less than amazing. 020123
misstree the most dangerous smiles 020124
jestification it's not even worth my breath.
it is not even worth me.
saying 'oh, you're sorry?'
fuck you....i'll say it with my eyes.
or the absence of them.
kelli crane fache'

fucking pissed off!
She When your whole body tenses and you clench your jaw and you hold your breath until your dizzy, just to get your mind off what has upset you? 020807
silent storm Because I am forced to pretend that I'm happy around these bastards who call themselves my parents. I can't show that I'm dying inside. That the pain of being away from the one I love, not even being able to speak to her, is fucking killing me. If they see how this is affecting me, they'll just be even more angry with me. Why? I don't know. Maybe they'll realize that I am NOT confused. That I really am in love with a woman. That I DO want to spend the rest of my life with her. They can't know that I don't want to have anything to do with them. Not now. I'm sick and fucking tired of them controlling my life. But if I tell them that now, when I have nothing, I will be forced to be on my own sooner than I can prepare myself for it.
All I want is to be with her, but I don't know how I will do that. I have to make a decision that will ultimately affect the rest of my life. I can't do this by myself. Why should I even have to? Her life will be affected by this decision as much as mine. And yet, I'm feeling as though I have to do this alone. The only comfort I have is knowing that whatever I decide, I will be with her.
Quietly furious because I can't be with her right now. I can't take away her pain and make it my own just so she won't hurt anymore. I can't be there to show her that I love her. That I will never leave her. That when I say forever, I mean forever. I feel so helpless. Why does she doubt that I love her? Why can't I be there to at least try to ease her mind?
Why is it that two people who love each other so much are forced to be apart from each other? How can our lives be controlled by geography and two narrow-minded, conservative assholes?
syrope ...what i really want to do is rip the walls in half and push the house over into a heap of rubble. i can't breathe, i can't see straight, there's an uncontrollable surge of pure hate and anger in the back of my throat that keeps my explosive shreiks down to animalistic whimpers and an occasional hot tear seeping out of my burning eyes. why can't i just be treated like a person for once. just one time. the complete shock of someone treating me as an equal in this fucking asylum would be enough to numb me from all future emotion...all i can do is draw in shuddering breath after shuddering breath to keep from suffocating and hug myself..rocking back and forth. im so close to getting out of here...but the closer that day gets the more unbearable this place becomes. no one knows how bad its gotten, and no one understands what getting out of here means to me. 020808
kerry passive_aggressive 020808
jane at myself

and now i can't redeem myself
counterentity for having given up the opportunity.
for turning my back.
for refusing to face the truth.

and now it's too late.
unhinged when you walked over to me and put your arms around me, i wanted to push you away but i wasn't sober and i wasn't about to start a fight. is a hug supposed to make it better now? am i being irrational for still being pissed months later? don't_come_back. don't think you can just walk back. but of course you are coming back so you can hold your place. you have never been able to stand people showing you up have you? don't expect me to dance, don't expect me to smile, don't expect me to hug you, don't expect me to be happy. i can be a rational human being. but i won't forget the past. can i live with you after that? i don't know. i've seen true happiness and believe me, you were not part of it. i have grown stronger because of you and without you. i screamed goodbye along time ago.

a glint of tildans fury so why is it so loud in my head? 020812
silent storm grrrrrrr!
stop throwing your fucking religion in my face!
dondeestanlosjaguares The feeling that hope is the only thing you can hang on to other than that love that exists in between the two of you. Such feelings I can easily comprehend silent storm. . . 020813
voodoo sitting on the edge
of your couch

listening to this story
told to me by one person
i actually do trust

becoming more and more
furious at you
with each passing word

you appear from your bedroom
just as if nothing happened
sit next to me

phone call is over
i can't find the words
to express my absolute disgust

silence for a minute
head in my hands
fighting the tears

i'm fucking leaving
walk out
slam doors
drive away

yet another phone call
this one from you
whom i don't trust
at all in this moment

figure it out

not a word for days
then, noting with meaning
i'm over reacting you say

under reacting is more like it
wouldn't you say?

but what would you know
you see nothing wrong
with sharing yourself
with her and me
in the same night

i'm your girlfriend
she's a whore
but you don't see that

how could you

of course i'm
quietly furious
about it to this day

even though i seemed
to find
. . 040513
unhinged 'i will never believe the myth of forgiveness between us.'

and i guess i've learned my lesson. you changed my life after i got the will to get out of bed. after all the trying and self_hate, i knew better with him. so i don't even try. i just stopped calling. his birthday is in a month and a half. i feel like i should call. but i haven't talked to him in six months. and there would probably be this big fight. we always fight on the telephone.

even though i erased his number out of my phone a year to the day after we met again, i still know it by heart. but i won't call because i know now that our only common interest was him. there are so many things i've practiced saying to him at night when i'm trying to fall asleep but when we are voice to voice i know, nevermind, i have nothing to say. because he wouldn't understand any of it; coke does that to a person. makes them mean and selfish.

you can do what you want, but i don't have to let you abuse me because of it. it's almost been a year and now i miss you more than ever; the old you and the old me and the way we were old together.

'time won't ever swallow everything'

and just so there can be some little piece left in my heart that loves you, i sit hours away quietly_furious, every airborne express truck that passes me a uniform reminder. i miss what it felt like to be in love, but i don't think i miss what it felt like to be in love with you.

am i really that invisible?

i still think about you everyday but there_are_no_words_here

i have found a few truths in my life. the most important being 'you cannot redo a thing that has been undone'
Mahayana b/c you have no idea how many times i am reminded of 'it', every song, tv show, movie, and news paper talks about it [cheating is everywhere] and now it has consumed the space in my head ... and in the silence that was the empty hole in my soul... i do fine for awhile i manage to forget and some song, some tv show mentions it as if its grabbing at my heart squeezing one last time to finish me off ... i could never imagine hurting someone in this way. [yet i wonder which is worse to be the one inflicted or the one inflicting]i wish i didnt care and could 'just get over' but i cannot ... we all have our one method inwhich we are greatly wounded ... and you knew about mine, yet you did it to me. 040726
unhinged i sit in a crowded dim bar watching you with someone else like there was nothing that passed between us. i never wanted a relationship with you either, but that said things did pass between us. frames and frames and frames of things; bruises, scabs. if you knew me just a little bit better than naked, you would know that public jealousy isn't my style. that pointing the finger at someone else isn't my style. and i know it; i know you want me to chase you so you can feel needed. but what do i need you for? after all these months with no phone calls or sober interactions, no attempts at knowing me i'm supposed to chase you? no, that isn't my style. so i'll sit quietly on a bar stool sucking down drinks faster than it takes you to acknowledge my presence. a whole hell of a lot faster than it took you to realize that i'm a human being. the only words i trusted myself to say 'i hate you' and you need me to tell you why. after what i've been to you for all these months, you need me to tell you why. i don't trust myself to tell you why. i'm not one for public scenes. if you pulled it out of me, i can't promise that i would stay quiet. i don't want to sit there watching you rub my insignificance in my face anymore. so buy the prettier girls drinks and flowers. brag to your friends about them like you want to. i'd rather spend my thursday nights alone being quietly_furious from now on. 050316
unhinged 'if you are mad at him, you need to tell him. i know you. you get so pissed at people and then you don't say anything and they don't even know that you're angry at them' 080728
Lemon_Soda Thats called propriety.

Here's a tip: If someone constantly pisses you off STOP BEING AROUND THEM.

IF your constantly pissed at everyone i.e. noone can go for long around you without pissing you off than the problem is "inhouse".

I've found putting my expectations on myself instead of others has helped tremendously. Its not like they owe you anything anyway. The only person who owes you anything is you.
unhinged well...he doesn't constantly piss me off. it's just the whole are_you_fucking_serious fiasco that happened on sunday.

but it seems as if given_time anyone will do something bad or crazy or annoying enough to seriously piss me off. i am always ready and willing to place blame where blame is due and shoulder my responsibility for the situation.
Lemon_Soda I never considered yo uunhinged, Unhinged.

In_ I was
Even under kind smiles
Even under kind embraces
*mis key strokes*
No more quiet
Lemon_Soda Hmmm...not me again...curiouser and curiuoser.. 081110
In_Bloom Being new to blather, I just assume this is some 'in crowd' play.

hmmmm is right
In_Bloom This is something I've improved upon
The not doing it part because it's not worth it
To say nothing
And for what
For whom?
Enough is enough
what's it to you?
who go