i_regret poetic_onslaught ITS IMPOSSIBLE TO NAME THEM ALL BUT HERE ARE SOME. i regret not knowing what i had when i had it. i regret alwayz being mean to my little brother. its kinda hard not to be mean when your mad at the world. i regret not graduating high school. i regret not taking advantage of opportunities. i regret being unfaithful to....some girl i later realized i was in love with. (actually it was infatuation but it still hurt). i regret not knowing what to say to my dad so that we can have a relationship. (although that goes both ways). im tired of naming regrets so im gonna stop now. 020422 ... Mahayana having ever left- even though it was the al-mighty rational responsible thing to do- going back to the location i call home but surely isnt sending-off from this glorious individual i consider home- was wholly in the wrong [i by no means should have left you that first time & fate brought me back to you & a small number of days later- i left yet again for home & once again fate nearly pulled me nearer to you but i figured it out ... caught the shortline... & off i went ... leaving at the backness... the only happiness & contentment ive known the most exceptional sleep ever those many impressive expressions] i in no way should have :& i regret: ever having gone 020423 ... bethany i used to regret leaving home now i dont because i wouldn't be the same person and we get along better now there is a limit on how long i regret i regret and then i remember that ui'd rather have wet feet than wonder what it would have been like 020423 ... Sailor Jupiter I regret having regretted. For if anything, it was a learning expirence and what the Hell else am I gonna do here? 020423 ... unhinged telling you how i felt. i knew i would before i even did it. it was just tearing me up. 020423 ... misstree i regret all the little hurts i gave to you, and you, and you... i was crazy then, i didn't know any better. i regret letting myself sink so low-- i had to know if i could do it, if i could come out of the other side. i regret never saying goodbye, knowing that i might never see you again. i couldn't let you know-- you wouldn't have let me leave. i regret letting myself use you. you really would have been better off if you never met me. i regret so many things, and at the same time, i regret nothing. 020423 ... neesh For the first time I am beginning to regret. I regret not being angrier with people. I regret not being brutally honest with people. I regret acting reasonable even when other people were being far from it. And these are people that mean nothing to me. The way I’ve treated the people who matter to me is the way I’ve treated them, and I can’t be expected, nor can I expect myself, to have treated them differently. I regret that I didn’t have a go at the people who thought they were good people and thought that that should enititle them to something. I didn’t do it because I’m a better person, and I didn’t want to have to make that apparent to them. I should have told them where they were being hypocritical, where they were downright wrong, as well as telling them what they do well, what they do right. The only person I have had a go at was Nik, because he’s such a persistent bugger sometimes, and wears my patience. But why should I have been patient with any of the others? If I truly didn’t care, I wouldn’t care to keep them happy by lying to them. Or not being honest with them, which isn’t but should be the same thing. I feel like having a go at one of them now, I feel like being completely honest with one of them for once. I don’t have the opportunity though, having blocked all my contacts and shut them out of my life, because they sicken me so. I certainly have changed. I’m a pacifist and yesterday I wanted to punch someone. Anyone. The only people around were Callum and Matt, so I decided I didn’t want to punch anyone after all (admittedly I was at a Metallica gig…). And now I feel like being completely honest with someone, which would probably be equally damaging for them. What mostly prevents me venting myself now and hereafter, is that everyone at school is so shockingly behind-your-back. If they have a problem with you, they won’t tell you, they’ll tell their friends. Which I think is hilarious, because even the ones who know that noone is themselves at school do this. I was amazed once when someone told me their opinion of me, which I had to push him to (his way being typically to hint at things then say nothing more; he annoys me more than most, but probably only because I know him slightly better), and he knew truly nothing about me, and had decided he could judge me from that. He’d decided that what he’d heard from other people about me and from our never having spoken or interacted, he knew me better than I knew myself. Well done, that’s really smart. For one thing I know exactly who I am; there are few people as self-aware at the age of 18. And for another, if he wants to judge me, fine, I’m very happy with that – I advocate the kind of moral clarity that judges character accurately – but if he wants to judge me with no facts, then all I can say is he’s a bit of an idiot really; he only needed to talk to me and I’d have been truthful with him, and he could have seen who I am, and then judged fairly. What a strange man. Of course, I have no problems with people at school; they mean nothing to me, save a very few. I cite the above simply as an example of the mire of idiocy I inhabit. And he’s quite smart too, and should be commended on having some sense of morality; he’s much better than most of the others. I regret that it’s too late now. I regret that I decided to be polite instead of good, instead of myself. Well, school’s over soon, and then I’ll never see any of them again, except the good ones, who I care about, and who care about me. (The good people in our year are: Callum, Matt, Nina, Nikhil, Eleanor, Dinos and myself, of whom all but Dinos care about me, since he and I are very different, and just mutually respect each other.) What hurt most was the girl I love used to give such a shockingly negative representation of me (I don’t know if she still does, but I presume so), because she was afraid to be honest about herself with others. And how I treated her was intrinsically tied up to who she was. I put up with everything of hers, made sure she always knew she meant the world to me, not necessarily because that’s how I would treat someone I love (it would be a bit much, a bit false; I know you have to be your true self with the one you love), but because that is how I treat someone whom I care for deeply who is suffering from depression. Close to everything I did was designed to cheer her or forestall and prevent future sorrow. Because I was scared for her, and I could help her, far more than anyone else was capable of helping her. And so people would see me treating her thus, and think me a sycophant, and I wasn’t going to tell them why, and she did more than not dispute it. She is happy now and I put up with nothing from her. She is going to cause me pain, that is indisputable. And so I would rather I took the pain of leaving her than faced the pain of her tearing into my soul. So here I am, completely alone, save for my regrets. And I regret that I didn’t rush in to defend Matt, because I was planning on never using blather again (it was after all, Harriet who introduced me to it, but I don’t think she reads it any more), which was particularly condemnable of me because lately he’s been backing me to the hilt in the real world, supporting me more than any of my other friends, and generally proving how amazing a guy he is in the way he’s been there for me when I’ve needed my friends most. And if you do read this, Harriet, then I expect you’ll probably tell everyone from school that I’ve blocked them, and they’ll hate me and begrudge me behind my back, but I don’t really care. And if you learn something more about who I am, then good, and if you learn something about who you are, then all the better. 031220 ... Blue Cat I’m glad you’ve had a chance to get that off you’re chest, i’d imagine it’s been a difficult couple of weeks mentally. I have to tell you, and I think I can speak for all of those close to you who I know well, that you are not alone. I’d like to think that you feel those around you are very close to you. I’d imagine it’s a type of friendship or link that the collection of self important hypocrites at school have never and will never feel nor understand. I also think it says something that the people in your form have all gotten to like you, these are the people who you are around most during school so they are the ones who have had a chance to assess you for yourself … not to say that they are the kind of people who would judge you on the basis of what other people think. I’d also say, from what I’ve heard from them that onky, max and johan are people who respect you and it seems as though you made plenty of friends at the vp course. I think I know a few people in the year who I consider to be friends who are probably indifferent towards you having never had a chance to get to know you (which is their loss) and don’t judge or gossip about those whom they are not truly informed about, not to my knowledge anyway. I’m sure the same can be said for other people in the year who I don’t know at all. However, when I do hear people callously chatting about someone they don’t know in bad terms it makes me feel sick. It shows a level of immaturity that people feel the need to take the popular idea about someone or something to feel they belong to something … ironically often a group of ‘friends’. But fuck them. I don’t feel the need or desire to justify my being to someone who has a prescribed opinion about me; they probably wouldn’t have the intellectual capacity to understand me if they are incapable of finding out anything out about me for themselves. I think all you can do is to be yourself so that people you get on with will truly be your friends and people who you don’t get on with you can forget about … as for people who want to think what they are told, well do you really want to know people unable to form an opinion of their own? Consider the situation you face now … you are about to leave school having learnt a lot about yourself and the way other people act. You may regret having not been true to yourself at times but most of the others will leave school blissfully unaware of realities that will hit them at a later less flexible time in their lives … the gossipers will still feel the need to balance their insecurities about themselves and their friendships by creating images of others to laugh at and discuss (I doubt many of them have any concept of being able to share a comfortable silence with a friend). They will continue to do so until one day they realise that their lives have been wasted and that they have felt no true love or beauty. ” Don't know why you're so blue, The sun's gonna shine on everything you do, and the sky is so blue, The sun's gonna shine on everything, you do” You’ll go back to school a blazing beacon of energy and life and you’ll be the one living on ocean drive in the end. 031223 ... Nirvanic Blind My slow suicide. I think I'll start over for the new year, so maybe I can heal and feel alive again 031223 ... neesh I regret ever knowing you now. It seems you do still read these pages. Nina is very dear to me, and her opinion does matter to me, so can you stop representing me as insane/stupid/egotistical/cruel/whatever else to her, please? Ironic that you taught me about denial, since you are either in denial or you are out to hurt me. How can you smile at me when we meet? 040121 ... 777 I don't know what you mean but fear not, for I have no intention of corresponding with lovely Nina again. Nope, it's alright because eventually we all have to get up and wipe the dust and grime from our filthy faces. Just because does not mean that it is time to die. Sometimes you just live with it. 040201 ... addicted to self pity i regret selling my soul 4 years ago. i convinced myself I was crazy and threw myself away. i watched pieces of myself and my life slide down the drain while I finally learned to act like everyone else on the outside. when the mask falls of people find out there is nothing underneath it. i felt my heart calling out to me one night. it was playing it's sweet lullaby on the wind. all I had to do as follow it and have faith. i didn't go. they gave me the choice to go where i belonged or stay and become everybody else. it was a one way ticket without a return. i stayed. i stayed. and have been lost ever since. the person i was always still clings to my memory showing herself in various places. sometimes i imagine what her life would be like. i quit having real feelings and thoughts years ago. i need other people to make me feel like i exist, but nobody stays because i have become nothing. i don't know what to do with my life without the cue cards anymore. i can't do anything about it and i don't know what to do. my life has never been the same and feels like it only gets worse. 040201 ... auburn that when I blathe...it doesn't sound like the song behind it... 071220 ... z regret (typically) 071220 ... grendel i only regret the time i have wasted on futile pursuits and i regret the time i wasted regretting so many other things i don't know if i would classify myself now as "remorseless" or "gleeful" or some combination of the two, like "gleefully remorseless" or "remorselessly gleeful" heh. 071220 what's it to you? who go blather from