johnny_loses_it johnny west For anyone who thinks I am a somewhat decent, logical person (all 0.3 of you)--you probably shouldn’t read this. Run! Run away! Wait. What the hell am I saying? This is me we’re talking about. So go ahead. If you like, read my most substantial blathe under my own name in a long while. Read and marvel at my long-winded stupidity. Maybe I'll regret having posted this once I get some sleep, but I don't give a shit. ------------------------------------- Sleep deprivation is my friend. While depriving me of something I need and enjoy, it also opens up a multitude of exciting alternatives. For instance: not sleeping. Maybe that’s the only alternative. Still, who can resist something so sure of itself? Maybe my mind can, but my body has proven itself to be a stubborn little fuck. My lack of sleep has led me to inadvertently consider the following criteria: 1) Love, how fucked up it must be and how I’ll never know how fucked up it is (for the obvious reasons); 2) Sex, how fucked up it must be and how I’ll never know how fucked up it is (although my chances of finding out marginally increase here because I am considered by some to be physically attractive); 3) People, how fucked up they are and how I’ll be spending the rest of my life surrounded by various groups of them (which I already know something about); 4) All the other irrelevant shit I thought of which I am presently unable to recall. Now I shall whet the tip of my penis by delving into the aforementioned criteria. 1) LOVE, HOW FUCKED UP IT MUST BE AND BLAH, BLAH, BLAH According to a number of sources, most people end up falling in love, or falling into something they perceive as love, at some point in their lives. Gee, that sure is swell. Makes me all warm and apple-pie homey inside. What about those who don’t fall into anything resembling love? There must be some people who have never and will never get involved in a romantic relationship, for whatever reason(s). Perhaps it’s only the angry young cynic in me that says, “Fuck love. That’s not gonna happen to me.” Or maybe, if I spend enough time convincing myself that no member of the opposite sex will ever make my heart do somersaults (or vice versa), I will manage to prevent it from happening through the sheer force of my misplaced venom. I know nothing of anything resembling love. Well, that isn’t true; I know what parental love is in a few different forms. Golly! That’s another swell thing. I also know what love for a pet is like. Also swell. I love other stuff too: music, hair, literature and shit like that. The same things as most other people. My question is this: what about love for a member of the opposite sex? You know, hetero-fuckin’-love. That kind. Some will argue, “You’re young, attractive, have yet to achieve anything resembling stubble...be patient. It’ll happen.” You know what I say to that? Fuck patience. I’m sick of sitting on my ass wondering what it might be like to experience this multi-faceted thing called love. Does that mean I’m going to go out of my way to fall in love? Yeah, I think I’ll go out and find someone who I think looks like I could love her. “Hello! You look like you could be loved! Why not by me?” Bullshit. I’ll keep sitting on my ass wondering what it might be like. 2) SEX, HOW FUCKED UP IT MUST BE AND BLAH, BLAH, BLAH I know what sex is. Wow! No one knows what sex is! And, as with the love shit (and maybe even to a greater extent), I wonder if I’ll ever fuck anyone/thing in my lifetime. Maybe I could right now if I wanted to. I’m sure I could find a girl somewhere willing to let me have my way with her, and then I would quickly become a womanizing piece of shit like so many other guys I know. Now hold on one fucking minute, you’re saying; sex doesn’t have to involve love or any other feelings. Sex is sex. Sure, I can agree with that. But to lose one’s virginity and have it be nothing but a meaningless exercise in I-saw-you-and-you-gave-me-a-hard-on-so-I-fucked-you...that isn’t too enticing. This supposed “problem” (i.e. lack of fucking) could be solved in a number of ways, none of which I will list because they should be obvious. The voice of reason speaks once more: “You’re young, attractive, other shit along those lines...it’ll happen. Just be patient.” Sure, I’ll be patient. In the meantime, I’ll settle for trying to turn my hand into a makeshift vagina. And how many guys can say they’ve never done that? We pleasure ourselves the quick and easy way, sans-someone else. Sans-sex, basically. I feel odd talking about masturbation because it doesn’t much interest me. I view it only as a means of maintaining some kind of tattered mental health. To deny myself of such a basic human need would render me even more fucked up than I already am. But enough of this shit. It’s time for... 3) PEOPLE, HOW FUCKED UP THEY ARE AND BLAH, BLAH, BLAH My thoughts on this are few and fairly blunt. From what I’ve experienced so far, many people are idiots. Some are competent. Many are not. A few exceed competence and manage to be individuals instead of rolling around in the shit with everyone else. I try to learn from my experiences with the idiots and modify my treatment of others accordingly. However, I know that I will never be perfect. The whole “make yourself a better person” garbage is lost on me. The closest I’ll come will be “pretend to be a different person occasionally to adapt to unique situations, and try to avoid killing someone in the process”. I can’t even begin to understand myself. Still, I know more about me than anyone else. When I talk to a psychologist in July (not my choice), she will draw her own conclusions about whatever we talk about. But I could easily psychoanalyze myself and uncover shit she’d never dream of. She doesn’t know me that well, and a few scattered conversations spread over a few years won’t do much to change that. I don’t think anyone really knows that much about me. That includes myself, although I’m supposed to be the expert. Ramble some more about shit that has nothing to do with anything, why don’t I? Okay. I will. 4) SHIT I CAN'T REMEMBER Here’s where things heat up. I went for a run just before midnight because I felt like I would explode if I didn’t. Before that, I looked around madly for something alcoholic to drink. Couldn’t find the Crown Royal that’s still sitting around somewhere. There was a nice bottle of wine, but my dad would know if I drank it because I’d probably drink the whole thing. Not that I would care about the consequences, but I would rather not be found out. So getting drunk was out of the question. Talking to anyone was also not an option, because I don’t think I would have been very much fun to talk to. I was better off talking to myself. I paced around the house for a while, swearing and laughing at everything. I wanted to beat the shit out of somethinguntil I couldn’t breathe anymore. My solution was to run around outside until I couldn’t breathe anymore. I came to this conclusion: I very badly need to buy something. Marijuana, something stronger, something alcoholic. Something. A narcotic substance (namely the easily attainable marijuana) would be ideal because I could easily conceal it, medicate myself and then dispose of the remnants. It’s funny; I’ve never been drunk in my life, nor can I say I’ve been high (although I might have been once or twice and not known it). I’ve smoked pot one or two dozen times over the past few years. One joint was laced with hash. I’ve drunk a bit, but never enough to get a buzz. How adventurous of me. I suppose now the only solution to my self-imposed pissed-off-emotionally-crippled shittiness is to give in to the things I thought I could pretty much avoid. I can’t say I care much at this point. Anything that can make me forget who I am for a short while will do just fine. “What about your future? What about your friends? What about your family?” What about ‘em? They don’t care. I’ll still be the same person, more or less. Just marginally less focused with the passing of time. I do my best thinking when I’m not thinking. 010629 ... florescent light I'm losing it too, Johnny however, mine is a slow-dragged out-anguished-torture as opposed to an eruption 010630 ... florescent light I'm scared 010630 ... Dafremen You go johnny.I think noc would probably let you have your way with her. P.S. Your angst was VERY well presented and the FACT that you were able to pull it off leaves us with little doubt as to why you are a blather demigod. 010630 ... johnny west I'm a little puzzled here. Why do you refer to me as a blather demigod? I'm certainly not a veteran, and I never thought I had a huge following or anything. I also haven't done much blathing of a serious nature, so I don't see how my words could have really struck a chord with many people. Whaddaya mean, jelly bean? 010701 ... Dafremen humility and ignorance will get you know where your hole-i-ness 010701 ... nocturnal and where exactly might this "know where" place be? you apparently have endless credibility to be talking about the ignorance of others. 010701 ... johnny west Uh-oh. Me scared. 010701 ... nocturnal well, you might be headed to know where, so you probably should be. sounds like a scary place. 010701 ... johnny west What is it?! Where is it?! Somebody tell me!!! 010701 ... nocturnal gotta ask daffy. he made it up. 010701 ... Dafremen IT ONLY APPLIES TO BLATHER DEMIGODS LIKE JOHNNY AND YOU YOUR GOLDEN STARRIER THAN THOUGH. YOU NEVER KNOW WHERE ITS GUNNA POP UP.(SEE ALSO DAFREMEN) 010701 ... nocturnal um, I hate to keep doing this to you...well, not really. you do it to yourself. starrier than though? hmm. I've heard a similar saying, but that was holier than thou. I'm not getting this "though" thing. do explain. 010701 ... Dafremen Once again...the extra GH is tacked on when addressing blather demigods....standard procedure...nothing too controversial or anything. 010702 ... black-dyed gel product Whenever times get tough in my life (which is quite often), I have a unique way of dealing with things. I lash out at others, both verbally and physically. You'll find it soothes stress and keeps you sane. You can do it to strangers and feel better, but for optimal effectiveness lash out at the one's closest to you. It's never steered me wrong before. 010702 ... Dafremen Lashing out at myself proves amusing...if not more than a bit problematic. Nothing I can't handle though. I know how to shut Dafremen up. 010703 ... kingsuperspecial kingjonnywest wrote: Or maybe, if I spend enough time convincing myself that no member of the opposite sex will ever make my heart do somersaults (or vice versa), I will manage to prevent it from happening through the sheer force of my misplaced venom. - BINGO! - jonnyboy, i feel your angst man. you've hit the nail on the head, though. a simple thing to remember is this" "what you think about, comes about". convince yourself you are unloveable, and people will see it from a mile away. From my experience, the more you want love or sex, the harder they are to get. It may seem impossible, but you have to chill and just be happy being yourself. As soon as you do that, people will swarm to you like a magnet. A good example is DAF proclaiming your status of demigod. You did not try to achieve that, it just came by being you. I wouldn’t recommend having sex with DAF though – he’s spoken for. unless you try to avoid it, or make yourself truly inaccessible and/or afraid, you will get to do the bumpidy_grind with some lucky mamacieta. I waited until I was with some I felt I was in love with, and I think that made a difference. You'll see, just wait man. In fact, you shouldn't be in too much of a hurry, because it just opens a world of new things to lay awake thinking about. That's just what it is, but if you keep your wits and just be you it will happen. Some day you'll find yourself and old man, looking back and laughing. 010703 ... Dafremen Yea that is definitely an instance when f*cking would NOT be a good thing johnny. 010703 ... nocturnal methinks daffy doth protest too much. 010703 ... yummychuckle ::::helps johnny find it:::: 010707 what's it to you? who go blather from