growing_up
girl at the tender age of 20 and a half, im experiencing the longest year of my life. but im dreading the pick up of the time speeding by in the years to come. when i turned 20 i looked back and realized that a flash ago i was only 8 eagerly looking forward to hitting double didgets. 15 seems like yesterday and highschool graduation feels like 2 hours ago. i cant imagine being very much older than i am now. i cant grow up, im not ready. i sometimes do childrens birthday parties at the theater where i work. the kids are usually between 7 and 11 years old. once i tried to play with the balloons with them. they all looked at me like i was crazy. it took me a minute to understand that im a "grown up" and grown ups dont play with balloons. i felt like maybe i once had a membership but now its gone, like im not in the club anymore.
it makes me sad.
when i was little and my friends and i would play pretend.(the magical game where you could be anyone anything anywhere any age you wanted) i never pretended to be any older than 19. 19 seemed so glamerous. it made my 20th birthday particularly scarey.
im half way through college. im not studying anything that i can have an instant carreer with. in ten years i'll be 30 and a half. i might still be wirking in the same place im working now. i dont think i care as much about that as i do about becoming one of those boring old adults that i used to roll my eyes at that could never understand the value of prentend or the quality of a great saturday morning cartoon or why it would be great if you could have a lifetime supply of taffy or why the box your xmas present came in is more interesting than the present itself. when do you forget these things? it seems like it fades in the same way the memory of a deceased loved one fades over time. detail get fuzzy until you dont remember the happy times you remember that there were happy times. ill be a lost boy. ill revel in my candy and cartoons. i'll play pretend. i'll roll my eyes at boring old adults.
010804
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unhinged "well it sounds to me like you are growing up"
"no not really. just taking care of old stuff."
"that sounds like growing up to me."
"i suppose you're right."
010804
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nocturnal growing up is gonna suck. I'm glad I haven't started yet. 010804
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god damned escape_velocity. 010805
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DannyH Nobody grows up. Everybody gives up in their mid twenties when it becomes clear that the whole idea is absurd and then just spends the rest of their lives faking it when they have to. 010805
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Gollum is causing me to become a republican.
Dammit!
010806
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peyton it's where we all go after adolescence

the mature fairy comes with her star-capped wand and makes us all prudent and mature

we pay our taxes and we buy light fixtures that accentuate the atmosphere of our dens

we stop writing blathes

and then we look back and remark how childish and emotional we were

and then we eat dinner

has it happened to you yet? one day... it will
011107
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nocturnal never. NEVER, I SAY! 011107
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bird no longer fazed by mortality i go to work
i pay my taxes
i eat dinner
i can cope with the concept of home improvement and am always looking for away to accentuate my atmosphere


BUT


i'm trying to write a novel
i still write blathes
i still enjoy things like toys and cartoons and crayons and videogames

if "maturity" is to be equated with gradually phasing out the vitality and volatility of youth than i think i'll pass... sounds like death on layaway to me.

even for all the trouble they seem to cause me sometimes, and for the times i've wished i could shut them off, i like my emotions right where they are

in this way (at least for me) everything keeps its resonance, everytime i fall in love it's as much of a rush as it was the first time it happened, every little bit of progress feels like an achievement and when something's funny, i laugh until i can't breathe anymore.
Sure, every break-up might feel like death and every failure like the end of the world, but that little kernel of maturity and persepective that lives in here somewhere always reminds me that i can try again

So i think i'd rather stay on the rollercoaster than switch to the carousel

don't be fooled, the "mature fairy" is just the herald of the reaper and when he comes for me he will get all of me at once and not just what's left after "maturity" takes its toll

i've no plans to have children of my own so i figure i may as well be my own child, and if i live to be a hundred, i hope the people i know then say "he seemed too young to die"

"in case you're wondering
i'm singin'
about growing up
about giving up and giving in"

--alkaline trio
011108
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ClairE Jon was in my bed and we listened to Mellon_Collie and we knew all the words, between us, and I felt old. 011218
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girl_jane Dizzy dizzy dancing freely
Spinning circles on bare feet
Climbing on a jungle-gym of moon beams and tree branches
Held together by stars and bubble gum

Sparkling wings flutter
But then torn
Ripped beyond repair
Strewn across a cement floor

Drops to puddles to streams to raging, angry rivers
Drowning from the inside out
Dancing and climbing to gasping and fighting
Resist the ties and the whips

Eyes on fire
Burning, but dull and tired
Breezes once blew curly top soft
Now tangle and knot securing pain

Please come and stay
Calm her storm
Free the girl
But don't ever leave her
020207
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Judas Is a matter of perspective. 020219
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ever dumbening "folded in your fleshy purse
i am floating once again
while the muted sounds are pumping rhythm
all the walls close in on me
pressureís building wave on wave
till the water breaks - and outside i go, oh " -pg

A skeleton of thorns and veins full of poison still provide support and circulation, such that when you remove the offense a sagging body remains--waiting.

Without the purposeless purpose of work, I feel the need to generate a new atmosphere to stave off the incoming - though internally manifested - meteorites I've come to know, the ones I'm learning to forget. The pitted, cratered surface of the past is not an option.

But motion less purpose should suffice to spin the shapeless to shape, temporary though it may be. From the full-court running, to nails now dark sparkled purple, to the shifting and releasing of letters and photos and other skeletons. From a reacquaintance with the solidity of the printed work, to the vespertine uncertainty of dream worlds. Wanting not to want should keep me busy when all else fails, when we expand yet again.

"one dot, that's on or off, defines what is and what is not, one dot"
021102
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x if i had known exactly where i'd be right now, when i was a kid, i wonder if i would have bothered 030612
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ferret i grew up too fast. december 4'th 2001
i grew up that day. i grew up in about an hour.
030612
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once again I realized this morning that I'm grown up. Sitting here staring out the window at the fresh snow, yearning for the moment when my chores were finished so that I could dig out my sled and go careening down the hill. It suprised me, because I just always assumed it would never happen. I was sitting here just about to blathe under the word what_am_i_now and it hit me.

I'm comfortable with who I am. I make my descions and I stick with them, even if I'm doing it alone. I still go out and play in the snow and when I'm done I shovel the drive. I build legos with the little boys in my sunday school class and sometimes on weekends I go to my closet and pull down the buckets and boards and I play with my own. And the fact that I can do this and not mind what they think... the fact that I can tell my friends once and for all that this may not be what I want, but it's what I'm doing. That's what growing up is to me. Realizing that you will never know waht you want, but knowing what you're going to do anyway.

Now I think I'll go get my snowsuit and celebrate.
031206
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notme :.) cool 031206
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. girl_jane's blathe back in 02 was particularly striking. 031206
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x my therapist thinks i'm regressing 031206
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girl_jane I clicked on this, just to see what other people had written new on an older page...and I saw my name.

Thanks .
031207
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.... please do. 031207
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skinny see relapse

i haven't even lived yet.

resentments? self pity?

there has to be a point to all this. why can't everybody just believe in god and grow up and live life for whatever it brings them?

there's an answer somewhere.
070218
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