dreams_of_an_ex
a clever disguise I dream about you all the time.

Why?

I barely know you anymore. You truly are a stranger.

We made it all the way to 6 months before our wedding day. A $200 promise ring as the symbol of our betrothal. We were just kids. You had stars in your eyes, I had given up and dreamed of kids and a picket fence. It never would have worked and in a way the breakup was mutual, though I had to do it.

When I saw you in the_big_apple you were already a stranger to me. How is that? How did you disappear so quickly?

Yet, I dream of you all the time. Not romantically, just part of the ensemble.

What do you symbolize? What part of my brain longs to see you? 		120111
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a clever disguise Last night I dreamt of a reunion concert (prompted by the news of at_the_drive_in no doubt).

I went alone and when i got there, it was no ATDI concert, it was some band you were in. You had long red hair. It was a thick mop and I could barely make out your face.

I knew it was you, but I kept walking around the bar staring at you from all angles to be sure.

I think we talked after the show, but I don't remember about what. 		120111
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unhinged one of the last ones i had of him turned out to practically come true a few months later

but the reality of me looking away and continuing to walk down the street without acknowledging his existence hurt a little more than i wanted it to 		120113
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unhinged i was walking through a show at a small venue and he was sitting cross legged on the stage rapping. i looked twice, long blond hair covering his face, i looked closer to see if he was high or dope sick. those were the only options. but i didn't want to risk him seeing me. those blue eyes always shredded my heart.

and then i realized he was covering 'today was a good day' 		120126
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a clever disguise Amanda

You don't count as an ex, do you? But the dreams I have of you are so real, so entrancing, that I wake up and spend an hour lying in bed planning our life together. Going to Europe as we always dreamed, but with our daughters in tow. Smoking weed (I don't even smoke weed) alone and just giggling for hours and looking in each others eyes. That innocence. That innocence.

I dreamt I was with some musician boy and we went to your apartment. You had a recording studio (not sure where this came from) and the boy wanted us to record our music, but I wanted to just record my music. Somehow we got rid of the boy (just like old times, eh?) and we were out and about together. When we came back to your place your fiance was there with your daughter and I played with her while the two of you fought loudly behind closed doors. You came out crying and I convinced you to come away with me. I could take care of you the way you deserve and Josie and Bernadette could be like sisters. We got in the car and drove on the freeway.

I wake up. His alarm went off and he got up for the gym and I lay there for the hour until I had to get up planning it all. I got up and took a shower fantasizing about our life together, you as my little wife watching the girls while I work to provide for us all. He came home from the gym and everything was gone. It was all a dream and yes, it would be nice, but it's so far from a realistic future.

These damn dreams of you are so real. I will think of you and question my relationship for days now. 		120131
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a clever disguise :::WARNING EXPLICIT CONTENT:::

The dream started with me waking up next to you and you asking me if I wanted it in my mouth.

I was all groggy and not sure what was going on and just gave a sleepy, "No."

As I'm coming to, I realize that you're going at it right in front of me and when you cum it hits me like a cannon. It felt like one of those hot tub jets continually pelting me in the stomach.

As you unwind, I look down and I am just covered in your stuff; it's everywhere. I am sort of disgusted and stunned, like how the hell can I clean this up.

Then Bernadette walked in and I noticed you were still "hanging out." We rushed to cover everything up, then the dream transitioned.

How many dreams am I going to have of you? And if they're going to be sexy ones, can they at least be good sexy ones and not like weird sexy ones? 		120301
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no reason you were like eight feet tall
i woke up amused 		120301
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a clever disguise The past few nights, you've had a complete field day with my dreams. I practically never dreamed about you when we were together. And quite honestly, I think I've handled the breakup rather well; not really dwelling on it. I gave it it's due tears and dusted myself off. But good lord, every night is another seemingly hours-long saga about you in everything my brain can conjure up. It's too much. I wake up so sad.

I think maybe my body can sense the sleep is less gratifying from the cold of the lack of another body. It thinks, "Why am I so cold? Where is that body that's kept me warm for so long? Oh, maybe I'll remind this person and see if they can find that body somewhere."

It's just awful. Breakups are the worst. 		120306
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a clever disguise I didn't dream of you last night, I dreamed of the original ex. I don't know what my problem is with all these ex dreams. I guess it's time to do a braintap with the ol' therapist again.

Anyway, not dreaming of you is no less miserable. It's funny to think that just a week ago, I was in such denial of the severity of the situation that I though it was funny to have a weird sex dream about you.

Now, the reality has sunk in and I would seriously do anything to smell you again, or put my foot in between your fat feet, or just watch you cool- guy walk around the house.

And all this leading up to the potentially most ironically miserable milestone birthday non-celebration because I am afraid to be around anyone because I just spontaneously break down and cry.

And no one sees me cry. No one. Except the ol' therapist. Ugh, it is time. 		120307
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a clever disguise No dreams last night.

As B would say, halleyulah. 		120308
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a clever disguise Dreams of you most nights lately.

I feel like I am moving into the state of understanding the permanence of this whole situation and my body is rejecting it. Staring up at the doorway to "our" bedroom, knowing you're not there. Staring at the empty bed just ready to cry.

I've known in my head this was permanent, but in some way I feel like my brain was telling my heart you were on an extended business trip, so it wouldn't hurt so bad. But the truth is coming around. You'll never be in that bed again, which is for the better, but the better-ness doesn't make it easy.

So, I've definitely been sulking a lot. And missing the presence of a "you" a lot, and my brain spends most of the time I'm asleep, desperately trying to find you in dream form. The funny thing is, even in my dreams, I am searching for you, only to not find you.

I know I'm not ready to date yet. I can't envision kissing or holding someone else quite yet. I guess that means I'm still in love. I don't know.

I do know I suck at being single, and I like another body in my bed. So, I dont want to confuse "lonely" with "still in love." I do suppose that the right time to date would be when I can finally be alone without feeling lonely. That's a tall order, though. 		120411
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a clever disguise I dreamt of you again last night.

You were the old you. The you I loved. I drove out to Youngstown to find you, odd considering you're in L.A. now. I had my daughter with me. I had to remember how to navigate all the old roads: 680, 224, South Ave... I found you at a church. I followed you to a rec center (things got off topic quickly). You were with a girl but I got you alone. I implored you to love me again and return to me as the you I loved. I forced a kiss and you submitted. There was a great spark, one I can't remember there being in our real life, though I am sure at one point there was. You told me no repeatedly as I begged. My daughter and I drove home and visited an old friend from grade school. In the dream her husband was in a wheel chair permanently (he is not in real life) and I was asking her about loving someone in a wheel chair. She gave a great speech about love and gratefulness. I realize I am an asshole and wake up.

I know that you are becoming the symbol of 10 years of mistakes. We were innocent kids, really, even at 23. We would never have had a happy marriage, if your current life speaks to the life you really wanted. I am happy you're happy and doing what it is you always wanted to do.

I just wish I could have learned from that mistake. To know that when you want something different than your partner wants, one of you or both of you will be unhappy.

May I dream of you every night if it helps me avoid that mistake again. 		120517
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a clever disguise It took me 7 years and a crazy dream to finally wish you well.

But now that I can say I hope you are happy, I feel a weight has been lifted.

Amazing how that works... 		120518
what's it to you?
who go 		blather
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