a_final_rant_about_someone_i_never_knew Arwyn Holy crap do you piss me off sometimes! Your claim that everyone else around you has changed in the last 10 years and that you've stayed the same is completely laughable! Why would you be proud to claim that your development as a person has stagnated?! Who would be proud of that? And the fact that you feel the need to respond to every little thing that everyone says lately just pisses me off beyond all belief.. not to mention your public declaration that I'm a whore because you spent 2 months persuing me without even asking me about my relationship status!!!! Sorry if I figured it was something you needed to get out of your system and that I wanted to just ignore the come ons and try to maintain our friendship. What the hell is wrong with you!? I admit I'm foolish. I've never claimed to be the fully evolved person that you seem to think you are. Yes, I'm constantly changing and yes I make mistakes over and over again sometimes, but that gives you no right to call me a whore. Maybe I should have told you to bugger off months ago, or maybe I should have just said "hey, not interested go bark up some other tree", but I wanted to be sensitive to what you were going through. Sorry for considering your feelings there... I'll be sure to never do that one again. Oh, and your choice to call me psychotic because I suffer from severe major depression was just fantastic too. Seriously. If you had any idea what happens with depression, you might be able to dig yourself out of your archaic belief structure and realize that not everyone who has depression is bipolar and not everyone who has depression ignores their medication like your ex did. I take my meds. I have bad days... as opposed to bad weeks, months, years. I work everyday on getting better and trying to make my life work for me, and for you to tell me that because of my depression I'm basically toxic and selfish cause I want to be friends with you and at one point wanted more than that is just plain cruel. I can't completely fix this, but I try, every day. I try to appreciate something. I cannot believe you had children and shared a life with someone who suffered from this and came out with that kind of perspective. Did you even try to help her, or was it "damn she's bitchy today... must be pms"? I'm sick people looking at me and my "disease" or "condition" like it's something they'll catch or that I'm to be pitied for it. Sure I have days where I don't want to get out of bed and I want to disappear and I want to just die, but you know what? I haven't cut myself in months and I haven't attempted suicide in 4 years now. I've been medicated for 2 years pretty consistently and I don't think you have a right to shine a spotlight on my "deficiencies" until you've done the same for yourself. I could point them out... they're clear as day. You care more for your bong than you ever did your family and your obsession with your own personal fable gets in the way of your ability to be the "man" your son so desperately needs. You claim your daughters are bitches... what kind of father says that about his girls?! Maybe if you had been there it wouldn't have been an issue. Just because they grew into the type of girls who don't share your core beliefs doesn't make them any less wonderful. Instead, you claim their money-grubbing and they learned it from their crazy mother. Please, if you had contributed to the household, they wouldn't have had to help the mother with the skrimping and saving so that you could have your pot and non-profit press. All you ever do is look at the faults of others and assume that you're so far above them and try to rip them down, when in my opinion and belief, we should all just be trying to better one another in an attempt to reach some kind of utopian society. I've spent years saying, oh, that's just the way he is and that's fine, but you know... you crossed a pretty big line tonight when you tried to tear down the one person who's always attempted to defend you. I may not have always agreed with you, but I defended you because you were important to me. But now? Your battles are your own. I'm done being your "cheerleader". I'm not going to join the masses and say that you're an asshole at ever turn I get, but I'm sure as hell not going to jump to your defense when it starts happening again. Maybe I have changed, but I'd rather be evolving and changing and trying to better myself than trying to tear others down in order to feel better about the crappy situation I find myself in. I know you're never going to look back on this in sorrow. You're going to twist and wind this around in your brain to make it seem like I attacked you, but I know the truth and to be honest, I've been dealing with Logan half as long as I've known you and by now, I've learned to ignore the manipulation. I don't hate you. I pity you and feel generally sad for you because someday you're going to wake up very lonely and will want to reach out to others and will find that no one is there for you. 080602 ... dafremen and here i thought you were done with blather.. nope just trying to blame the world for your problems again. nothing new from you. same shit...different day. 080603 ... somebody I think that was more insight into the private life of Dafremen than I expected to receive. I like the internet and I have mixed feelings about Dafremen but I don't think his personal shit needed to be posted here like this. It is unfortunate that Arwyn feels so scorned, but it is equally (or maybe even more) unfortunate that Dafremen's personal life has been involuntarily publicized in this way. Makes it too easy to get all judgemental, when we really don't know the whole story... and never will. Anyway, that's some intense stuff. Good luck to the both of you in finding the healing you both deserve. 080603 ... daf It's interesting, really..the excerpts from my personal life that Aimee chose to share. For instance..she talks about my son like she knows him. She doesn't. He's fine young man..14 now. He went out on his own, filled out an application at Pioneer and got the job. What a guy. He's sweet and smart..and a real rebel like his old man. We talk all of the time. I love him so. My daughters. I never called all of my daughters bitches. I called my daughters Let and S-Rock bitches..because they played off of my wife's sickness and used it to their advantage all through their teenage years in order to avoid the consequences of a father who tried to be a parent. (You know, asked them to clean up their own messes, didn't want them taking off without leaving some contact information and asking permission..etc.) Their mother was a big permission button. Our third daughter was always my second closest friend in the family next to our son Z-mo. She is mellow like me..freedom-loving and a bit air-headed..also like me. But she's a nice person who listens and loves people. As for the other two..I'm happy to report that having children as teenagers has mellowed them out significantly..and I've even begun to establish a fairly close relationship with my daughter S-Rock again. As for my bong obsession. That's nothing new. When you're married to someone who is severally depressed..you never know what's coming next. Weed helped to calm my nerves and relieve the stress of constant screaming, throwing of things and occasional violent episodes. In about 2002 or 2003 I dislocated 2 ribs. They've been that way now for what..5 years? Weed helps to relax the muscles allowing the ribs to be relocated..several times a day. It provides some relief. I don't have any right now...sniff. (Looks like it's LaBatt's for me.) I never called Aimee psychotic. I called her depressed and possibly suicidal. Our entire relationship consisted of her being depressed and me trying to cheer her up..through her mother issues..through her marriage issues...through her loneliness issues..etc etc. I always felt so drained afterwards. It was a very difficult thing to do..but she was my friend. That's why she's now erased...and I'm not kidding this time. Anyone who would try to drag me through the mud like this after I held their hand through hard times...while going through NIGHTMARE times myself..can get lost. I'm done being treated like that by anyone. It's not right that I shouldn't look after myself. As for my personal information. It's been a matter of public record (on the internet)for quite some time now. If you like..I can post some of the things from a thread that's titled Self-Exploration from another site. It's an interesting story. You'll find a spoken word piece about my early childhood on Youtube. It's called Piece of Work. I'm not really embarrassed by my past..or by most of the things I've done in my life. I've tried to be a stand up guy..through my own particular issues and life situations. 080603 ... florescent light I found your youtube so strange to hear your voice a blather with sound passion so moving I feel so much more connected you sound so young it doesn't sound like you but yet it is I can hear the echos of these blue halls in your heart expressed with the music of your voice I wanted to reach out and just touch you powerful truly moved you are so beautiful 080604 ... daf *tears* thank you for finding me..my friend. 080605 ... Syrope i just thought i knew. 080606 ... Lia {{{*}}} 080607 ... daf : ) There's something awfully familiar about that astral hug.. 080608 what's it to you? who go blather from