closure_and_forgiveness Sonya I am somewhat on my way to closure and forgiveness. It is a long hard road, but I do want to reach this destination some day. My only regret is that so much grief and anger could have been avoided if we (yes we) had thought longer about how we went about acting on the decisions we made. I do not enjoy feeling hatred or bitterness or anger. I loathe when people do such horrible things that warrant me to feel this way towards them. It's especially disturbing when I know how much of a good person they COULD be. They say it's better to forgive and forget but it's not that easy. They say it's better to "still be friends" but that's not easy either. Nothing in this world we live in is easy and we're the ones who make it difficult. I wish we didn't make so many mistakes and I wish we didn't break so many hearts. Just as I was hurt by someone, I hurt someone else too. I'm still driving on this long bumpy road and I can see the sign "closure and forgiveness" on the horizon but it seems just out of my reach. Some day I will have the strength to get there, but for now I still hurt. I find solace in the fact that like every other feeling in this world pain doesn't last forever. Closure and forgiveness are obtainable, but at a heavy price. 011109 ... whoknows i really enjoy reading what you post. you say exactly what i wish i could have said. the words just didnt come to me when i needed them. 011109 ... icy fuck closure and forgiveness. the person i needed them from refused to give them to me - and i still feel it, just underneath my skin, clinging and not letting go... always there to taunt me. i see others walking by, happy and fulfilled, without this ghost inside them, making them feel as though they are but a shadow in their skin, no real substance. it's a chapter in my life i hate, i have come to loathe, but i cannot slam it shut and forget it. the pages keep on turning to all the horrid and awful parts - not just the embarrassing ones, although they surface every now and then as well - twisting them about right in my face and i can't look away. just let me look away, at least for a little while, and find respite from hurts that will never heal... o, to have simply skipped those years and not have to remember them every moment of every day - that would be a paradise i could not imagine, locked away from me, without even a keyhole through which to catch a slight glimpse of what might have been... if only i had said no... or never said yes in the first place. do not give closure or forgiveness. give me the sweet, soulful drug of oblivion. 031107 ... tonightiscream At night when i lay awake thinking of the time we'd spent- hating all the times i smiled out of ignorance. Without closure one only remembers the pain. The baggage I've collected from the ways that I've been hurt hold me back. It seems to grow rather than lessen with time. Sometimes I feel that if I could just talk it out, the bad times would be funny, and closure would come amidst laughter and nostalgic tears. Then I would be healed. But as it is I am in a very sad state- restless and tired from carrying the weight of what it's like to be cheated on when in love. Do you know how it feels over a year later- with no more answers than you'd had the year before? Do you know what it's like to have the flood gates in your mind open everytime someone mentions mistrust in their lover? Most of all, do you know what it's like to never rid yourself of the embarassment of being the last one to know? Over a year later and though I never openly mention it, it's always with me. What i wouldn't give for him to seek forgiveness, because apparently closure doesn't come from avoidance. 031107 ... icy and, yet again, i give up. can't stay away, still need the reassurance that someone still reads what i wrote - and shows it by responding. still too raw, and yet come crawling back with my tail tucked between my legs... why do these words haunt me? and why do i need the reassurance that someone reads what i write? how sad and pathetic that i'll be watching, just waiting for someone to post... although, that's never a guarantee that it's read... but know that i missed you all, not that it matters. i always come back. can't let anything go. 050629 ... Death of a Rose don't worry icy, at some level everyone of us needs interaction of some kind. a kind word does actually go a long way. i know for myself that when people responded with a compliment or question or whatever, i felt better for that day knowing someone out there in blue had taken the time to direct some comments my way. Peace. 050629 ... Lemon_Soda We might have had closure. Atleast, the last I checked we were cool with each other on the grounds that no, we're not going to get back together, but yes we can talk once in awhile. She really isn't the type to forgive, and I never really held the selfish brat stuff against her, so I still wonder why I think about her every day. How sometimes I go over the stuff shes written, just hold the things she gave me, or look at her picture a few seconds longer. I suppose its kind of sad that I haven't stopped loving her. Its not like its going to do anything for me. I've had alot of oppurtunities to be with people, but i can't get past "friend". Anytime I think about getting serious, or even taking a singal step towards something like it, I find myself looking at them and saying in my mind "Your not her". I'm not depressed, or crying in the dark at night or anything. Infact, I'm really very happy with my life. I'm still working on my spirituality, but everything else seems to have clicked into place really well. But everyday she pops into my head more often than anything else. Either the sports team of her home town is playing on the radio, or theres a cheap imitation sandwich of her kins cooking, or I'm listening to my bluegrass and they mention the mandolyn. Like that song(I forget which)says: How can I forget you girl, when theres always something there to remind me. I want to call her more often than I do, but I don't dare. I'm trying not to call her more than once a month at the most, figuring she can stand small doses of me at a time. Sometimes I get frustrated at everything that happened near the end, the mistakes I made, how she acted. I fume about how imperfect everything is to her, how she feels about herself, and most of all how she feels about me. I wasn't ever going to stop loving her, I knew that, and I still haven't. She got angry so easily, over things that didn't matter at all. I just didn't truly see what she needed, or worse, couldn't really give it to her anyway. I know she hasn't forgiven me. She doesn't forgive anyone. But I've forgiven her. I don't know if shes closed my chapter in her life, and I still read hers in mine all the time. We freinds now, and I'm grateful for that. I want her in my life any way she'll let me. I'll keep going and hope, like reaching for a star, that she'll call and we'll talk and things will be better or that I learn to forget how I feel about her, so I can feel that way about someone else. 050629 ... unhinged i'm_glad_that's_over_with 050629 ... unhinged exceptance_and_admittance 050705 ... unhinged or explanations_and_admittance 050705 ... Piso Mojado "I go back and forth I guess. There was lots about the weekend I really enjoyed and still value. I wasn't really prepared for things to spin out like they did, and I honestly think things would've gone lots better without the whole soul-mate thing thrown into the mix. So that's a little raw at times. But I also tend to believe that things work out as they need to, and on the whole I'd rather have a more realistic appreciation of life, even if the fantasy was awfully nice while it lasted. Don't clench on my account (if you are). I have plenty of happy pictures of you in my head and I tend to gravitate to those myself. I will always love the light in your eyes and that smile. If everything else tends to get tangled in there, I find it's better to just go someplace private and let it out REALLY loudly till you feel better. 'Cause it'll come out one way or another. Might as well do it in a way that works well for you. " 050706 ... Piso Mojado regret 050706 ... icy perhaps she seeks perfection because she herself is far from perfect. perhaps she will not forgive others because she cannot forgive herself. not that they are excuses... oh, wait, though - i may have been talking about me... 050707 ... . . 050711 ... Piso Mojado "hey blue. i've wondered how you were. don't be too hard on yourself, it was a pretty intense weekend, and i tend to be a bit catalytic. i'm sorry too. i really don't think badly of you, but i appreciate your words they do help to ease my heart, bad enough things went south so dramatically, its much worse for me when i feel that emotions may be too soured to appreciate the best of what was, or make amends. you're a light too, don't doubt it. the falling was genuine, and easy to do :) i'd like to make my way back to the nw before too long, maybe we can reconnect if that happens and you're still around. till then come down and play with our oregon family, and drop me a note every now and then. i'll do the same. love you dear. take good care... and have fun " 051014 ... sab and just when i came here to post the words i think your taking the cowards way out 061214 ... hsg should i be so privileged? 100628 ... unhinged does not imply a continued relationship. i can forgive you and still want nothing to do with you 140216 ... flowerock watching The Wall (Pink Floyd) reminds me to forgive my mother and those who were just trying to teachelp. I try to watch it at least twice a year. 140216 ... flowerock with forgiveness comes closure. where I lack closure, I know I have not forgiven, usually myself. 140216 what's it to you? who go blather from