on_being_single smurfus rex There's something to be said about being the fifth wheel, the odd man out, the team alternate. You don't have to worry about upsetting the other half and having to leave early, you don't have to worry if the other half is having a good time, you only have to pay for one meal (plus drinks), you only have to get one ticket for the movie, you can listen to whatever you want on the radio, watch whatever you want on television, surf wherever you want on the net, sleep on either side of the bed, take up the whole couch, and wear whatever the damn hell you want. And then, there's the other side. You don't have someone looking forward to your coming home from work/school/wherever. You don't have someone leaving you love notes where you least expect them. You don't have someone calling you to say they love you just because. You don't have someone waiting for the right time to surprise you with a night out. You don't have someone who'll rub your back after a long day of adventures. You don't have someone to curl up next to on a cool summer night. You don't have someone to lean against during the movie, on the couch or in the theater. You don't have someone who'll make you breakfast for your birthday. You don't have someone... So, the state of being single, much like that of having responsibility, is a double-edged sword. Two sides of a coin. Et cetera. Where is this coming from? Well, last night, I helped one of my good friends celebrate his last days as a bachelor before he gets married tomorrow. And like all good groomsmen should do, we got him drunk and took him to a strip club (PT's, for all y'all in Denver). And as I was led back into the main room after having enjoyed a private dance, I began to realize that, unlike the other groomsmen (whose wives and girlfriends came along because there's a male dancer's table there too), I didn't have someone to give me a much more private dance later that night. At a base level, after exchanging pleasantries and making small talk, I had to give a woman money to gyrate nude on my lap. While it *was* worth it, I had to face the fact that I did not have the additional option of getting such treatment for free in the comforts of my own home. For a long time, I have attempted to champion the resolve and dedication of the intentionally single. I have also recorded my behind-the-scenes thoughts regarding my little candle flame that doesn't seem to go out (see: alexa). Today, these two behaviors of mine seem contradictory to each other...hypocritical, when examined in the context of how I explain my status as an intentionally single man. And after reviewing the events of last night, I further understand that, despite Alexa's assurances that I am handsome and attractive, it still doesn't change the fact that after four years in Denver I have to pay a woman to dance for me. I could be Quasimodo and still get a stripper's attention with a five dollar bill. I mean, sure, I could delude myself into thinking that Crystal (or whatever her real name is) asked me if I would like a private dance because she thought I was cute, but the unavoidable fact is that she picked me because I dropped a five when I meant to drop a one. I got her attention. With money. Not for any other reason. As I said earlier, there are merits to being single. There are advantages to being single. But there are also drawbacks, some so fearsome that many people hop from relationship to relationship, good and bad, just to avoid those drawbacks that they can't deal with. You can develop strength and confidence as a single person knowing that the person looking back at you in the mirror will never let you down, will never disappoint you, will never leave you. However, you can also develop strength and confidence in a relationship with someone else knowing that the other person looking back at you in the mirror will help you up when you get let down, will encourage you when you get disappointed, will also never leave you...until the right time comes. And perhaps, with the right look in your eye, that other person might give you a private dance too. 040619 ... Doar Unfortunately, being single for a long period of time can cause one's mind to turn on itself and start to cannabalize all respectability it once had. Under pressure and all. . 040620 ... once again When you start out you don't know any better... o sure you still want that "love" but you don't really know... we all start out as ourselves. And we find that thing that love that person... and they take us in and we hold them close and you lose yourself in a world of us. And it's magic. You ARE important... and not just because you know it, but someone else thinks that even though you collect bottle caps and wear mismatched socks that you are wonderful. They BELIEVE that even though your hair has enough split ends to be labeled dysfunctional and sometimes looks like a family of hamsters makes their nest in your head... that you are beautiful. and that's a dangerous thing. because one day... they might stop... it's a dangerous thing to base who you are on another... because maybe one day you will stop being worthy of their time... and then who are you? You aren't the person you were before you met them, because they will have changed you... and you aren't one of a pair now... and your self worth has to come completely from you... and it is scary. But sometimes... "on a good day, with a fair wind"... sometimes... it's worth every moment of terror. 040620 ... witchesrequiem I think smurfus pretty much said it all.. 040620 ... daxle fuck yes! 040621 ... blown cherry and once again had a few worthy points there too. Come on now, we need someone to list some real advantages of being single, there must be something... I only wish I could think of any 040621 ... unhinged for some people i don't think there are any but as selfish-minded as i have been in the last year or so, it makes my life easier. i think that is the one and only advantage...it makes life easier. not necessarily better or nicer, but easier. and since i am one prone to taking the easy way out....and maybe too stubborn to want to change. i like smoking and eating meat and living by myself. (most of the time) it seems that dating and relationships mostly don't have much to do with acceptance; most people eventually or immediately try to shape the person into the perfect whatever that they've always wanted. and i would rather be myself, even when i am miserable. so i don't do that dating shit. i guess the closest i've come to that since we broke up, was sleeping with my next door neighbor a few times. but you know, the nature of things like that, he wasn't interested in me. i tried to talk to him, you know just chat, while we were watching t.v., and he had that vacant look as he stared at the t.v. mumbling 'yep...mhm...yeah' and he was probably thinking when i would shut up so he could take off my clothes. i find myself in a horrible self-deprecating (or however the hell you spell that word) funk these days. i don't really want to have much to do with the outside world. people i love are going be leaving far away for a long time, my situation here tends to suck, i miss things about my old life even though i spent so much time hating it back then, i'm finding myself already becoming worried about my future just to keep my family off my back....so i don't have enough room in my brain or my heart or whatever the hell these big holes are to care about a new someone else. i don't know what the point of any of this was. i'm in an isolationist phase these days. i'm spiraling back down the big hole but am too poor to afford myself any of my old methods of relief. so i just stay singly alone, knowing that days click by and then the next thing i know it's a year later. he's about to leave for a long time. there's a lot of clouds in my sky these days. i'm suprised the_remedy of him lasted for as long as it did, with us being estranged for so long. call, don't call. i don't find much of anything comforting anymore. 040621 ... birdmad it's something i am tired of, but, being an old weirdo who's gotten more and more gunshy over time, i don't know if or when i'll be able to change that 040621 ... sab and they ask - so, is there anyone on the horizon? its been a long time now, surely your looking for another? and i smile and say no and either they dont understand or they think im not over the last one. they jsut dont get that i like my life this way that im happy just being a sab standing tall learning who i am and who i am becoming and there are some paths you just gotta tread alone at least for a while longer 040625 ... cherise i am the only single person on earth. everyone else. even YOU are [secretly] not single 040629 ... pathetic but knows it you know you're in trouble when you're so desperate that you daydream about rejecting people or at least I do 041108 ... magicforest I love this 041108 ... suicidalchinadoll no one to walk across the dark room to turn the lights on when I'm afraid to.. either must do it myself. or stay in the dark.. there's merit to this..but I miss..feeling safe.. 041108 ... HARRY BROOK YOU ARE AND IDIOT GO TO HELL DRAGON BAL Z IS THIE BEST IN THE WORLD GOKU IS WAY BETTER THEN ALL OF YOU YOU STINK LIKE CRAP 041109 ... HARRY BROOK ANYONE WHO DISSAGREESN WITH ME MAY FACE THE WRATH OF MY YU-GI-OH CARDS MUHAHAHAHAHA 041109 ... FACE! `_` \|/ /-\ 041112 ... Syrope you sounded so much like those frustrated girls in high school. we'd just finished talking about my wild summer of sex & moved on to your date last night... "we didn't have sex, but i really wanted to" "so why didn't you?" "//I// want a boyfriend, and guys don't want to date someone who'll give in the first time they meet someone" just because you didn't have sex doesn't mean you didn't give in. orgasms were had, that's enough. what you did - you did things you hate doing, and i don't know why. if you can't tell this guy what you're comfortable with and not comfortable with, then how do you expect...well - what you did probably told him so much more about you than if you'd just had sex with him. it sounded like an insult, but you know for a fact that i could have had any of the guys i fooled around with this summer, i just didn't want them. im just afraid you're setting yourself up part of me will be so glad if you find someone but you seem so fixated on being single, that i think you're the last person that would be happy 041113 what's it to you? who go blather from