alexa smurfus rex she knows how I really feel and it makes no difference. alexa: a derivative of 'alexandra', feminine form of 'alexander', greek for 'defender of men'. therefore, alexa=defender. i designed a pseudo-katakana symbol of her name and tattooed it on my shoulder. she is my partner, and not like 'life-partner' or whatever. i mean like, when TSHTF, who you gonna call...your backup, your partner, you know? she is my gold standard against which all others are measured, my lottery ticket that I can't cash in, my dream car that I can't drive, my best girl friend that I can't make my girlfriend. some people call it obsession. I call it love. I'm a sad, pathetic, and hopeless loser (in the sense of '2nd place is the first loser') when it comes to her, but I'm working on being okay with that. I shouldn't blathe after four beers on an (almost) empty stomach. Because I'm going to click on 'blather' and immediately feel like an idiot for posting this. 040103 ... smurfus rex something as simple as a telephone call from her, even from 600 miles away, is all it takes to turn my lowdown spirits 180 degrees around. it never fails. 040118 ... smurfus rex I had a dream about her the other night. She said that I had been "meansome" toward her for awhile and that she had had enough. She would not be swayed by my vigorous protests to the contrary, that somehow, whatever she was perceiving as "meansome" was misinterpreted [please, oh god, you've got to believe me]. Then she informed me that in 25 hours [precisely] she was going to become pregnant with some man unknown to me but instantly and utterly loathed by me. Her pronouncement upset me so that I woke up. She's not in a relationship with anyone right now. In fact, she has said that she won't be getting pregnant with anyone anytime soon, unless that anyone is Sean Connery. I'm concerned more that something big is near, something that could radically change her life and potentially jeopardize her career. I hope the something misses her. 040127 ... smurfus rex called ME for a change. I wish I could help her more. I wish she felt differently about me. Sometimes I wish I felt differently about her. But as long as she's okay, as long as she stays in good spirits, as long as she is my friend, then life will never get so bad or so bleak that it's not worth continuing. There are times when I wonder if something is wrong with me, when it comes to her. There are times when I wonder if I'm being fair with myself. Then there are times when I squash it all down and leave it for another day when I have the time and inclination to brood incessantly about it. I think I've gotten over the infatuation. I think I've gotten over the crush. I think I've gotten over the I-tried-to-love-you-that-way-but-I-couldn't part of the conversation. I think I can get used to just friends. Time will tell. In some ways, I'm more confused about the nature of our friendship. In others, I'm a lot more clear. Oh well. 040226 ... smurfus rex I thought I was over with it. I thought I had dealt with it. But no. Not until today. Today I got the Finality. The Dream lasted 8 years. 8 YEARS, dammit! And after 8 years, I woke up. Sure, I was stirring from it last Christmas, but today, I woke up for real. She said she thought my feelings for her (however lingering) might be affecting my work performance and my personal life. She said it would be hard, but she thought it would be good for me to start looking for someone else. Dating. Socializing. Whatever. She thought it would help if I took down all of the pictures of her that I have collected over the years. So I did. I took them off my computer's wallpaper background, I took them off my fridge, I took them off my sun visor in my truck, I took them off my locker at work. To say I was hooked on her is an understatement, wouldn't you agree? So now it's a wait-and-see game. If I let her go (for real this time), will our friendship drift apart too? Will she become too busy to be even just friends? I don't know. I don't think she knows either. I don't think it will come to that because we've known each other so long. But I don't know for sure, just the same. At least she laid it out straight for me. She said it was gonna be hard, that it would hurt a little, but she told me how it is now. At least she was upfront about it. Am I okay with it? Not really. No matter what else happened, good or bad, I always had the Dream. The possibility that, one day, it would the day "it" would happen. She said, "if it's meant to be, it'll happen." That was the Dream. And it sustained me for 8 years. Will we be friends in another 8 years? We shall see. 040325 ... silentbob you put a number one charm spell on me 040326 ... smurfus rex she called me again tonight. she doesn't usually do that...even when she's been thinking about me. she said, toward the end, that sometimes she really misses having me around. I miss having her around too. times like this, I wish I knew how certain decisions would affect my future... I could tell she needed to unload a bit. She needed a little pep talk. I'm glad she called me for it. 040404 ... smurfus rex just because I don't have a snowball's chance in Hell of being her boyfriend doesn't mean I don't miss her. not that it matters, anyway. I feel like I'm Charlie Brown and she's the little red-haired girl. 040506 ... smurfus rex just because I don't have a snowball's chance in Hell of being her boyfriend doesn't mean I don't miss her. not that it matters, anyway. I feel like I'm Charlie Brown and she's the little red-haired girl. 040506 ... smurfus rex fuck I hate double posts. 040506 ... smurfus rex I've said it before, when I think of Tulsa, I think of Alexa and vice versa. The dates on the previous posts and this one would suggest, on the surface, that I went an ENTIRE summer without posting even ONE thing on this topic, but oh no, that's only the appearance. Technical difficulties stood in my way at that time, but all the posts I could have made were stored in my head but I shall not repeat them here. Suffice it simply to say that I still don't know for sure what to call our relationship, other than "best friends". She is not afraid to tell me how it is, straight up, and what she will do to me if I go and fuck up my career path. Call us "Pinocchio and Jiminy Cricket", only Jiminy Cricket is a woman and has a gun. I don't think about her as often as I used to, don't miss her as much as I used, but that's not to say that I've forgotten about her. She's just not as high priority as she used to be. I mean, there was a time when, if I had something to send her, it was at the post office within 72 hours, come hell or high water. Now? Well, I've had six custom CDs that I burned for her nearly three months ago still sitting on the spindle, still waiting to be mailed. But let's not kid ourselves. It's not like I wouldn't pack up my truck and drive back to OKC in an instant if she said she wanted me there. So perhaps my delusions have burrowed deeper than first believed. God, I don't know anymore. 041019 what's it to you? who go blather from