my_happy_day dafremen Took some pictures yesterday. One of my good friends here wasn't real pleased with the changes. I'm so sorry Ms. Besos Venenosos. Is there a certain PALL to my appearance now? Is there a certain..something that you can't put your finger on, because it isn't there? Is there the look of a man pushed to the brink, of a thing locked too long in its cage? Of a dog trapped too long in the corner? I'm sorry my new look disappoints you. Well, no, that's a lie. I'm sorry it disappoints you, my friend, but I'm glad you find it disconcerting. I'm glad you think it's altogether the last sort of look that a guy would wear to attract people to him. Do YOU want to sit around listening to my misery? Would YOU like to hear me drone on endlessly about how loyal, tender, compassionate, loyal, loving, supportive, (did I mention loyal?) and one hundred percent devoted I was before she smashed my devotion against a rock, like an otter opening abalone, and sucked out all my innards? Well? Would you? Because that's all I have to say right now. It's been a week and a half, and I have NOTHING on my mind but how hurt I am. I have NOTHING on my mind but how unfair and stupid you black-hearted, selfish f***ing people are (please PARDON my generalization) and I DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU WITH MY WORDS SO BACK THE FUCK OFF! (Thank you.) So let me tell you about my very, very, happy, smurfy day. Ok? Today I woke up surrounded by vipers. These are my two daughters, who are teenagers that want complete freedom without responsibility and see me as an obstacle to that. These are the two ingrates that tried to break up our marriage along with their mother. These are the two dogs from the Seventh plane of Hell that looked me in the eyes and told me to f*ck off, I was gunna be a broke, destitute bum. These are the ones that still try to give me the cold shoulder and disrespect me, after what they did to me, after I worked 6 years to get them their papers, and spent 13 years providing for them. On the other side, is my DARLING wife of 15 years. This is the one who, after all of that time, supporting her in high style (we both started out broke), decides that I'm worthless because I want to do something different with my life. This is the person who couldn't even pick up the phone when I met her, she was so shy. But years, of being gentle, never saying a harsh word, being understanding, (even though she would freak out in typical Cancer fashion and burn my clothes or trash the house or run around in the back yard naked screaming in the full moonlight), years of being patient, and helping her to take steps away from her low self esteem, brought her around to the conniving, black-hearted, back-stabbing bitch that I see here today. (sniff) I'm so proud. Yes, this is the woman that decided she would FORCE me to go back to engineering by treating me like a chump, disrespecting me, going out whenever wherever, and leaving me home, alone for 6, 8 11 hours at a time. This is the woman who took it even further, and then took it too far. This is the gutless worm that grabbed my heart and wrung out every last drop that I had to give, and probably will have to give for a very long time. I wake up, and wonder how to get away from them. I could walk out the front door. But where do I go? How can I go? My son is here and he is my rock. MY dog is here and he is my consolation. And besides, you DON'T KNOW ME! THESE ARE THE PEOPLE I LOVE! These are the people I have cared for for so long, that it is habitual to put their needs before my own. These are my babies. These are the little ones that I care for and protect from the harshest cruelties that the world contains. Unfortunately, I feel uncared for myself. I feel unsheltered from the horrible scarring damage that is heaped upon the tender-hearted by this simian brute of a race to which I belong. Today, I'll try to escape again. I've quit smoking weed. Makes it ten times worse. I've got a dislocated rib that won't heal. Makes it 100 times worse. I've got a broken heart that won't mend, but which still insists on forgiving. That makes it 1000 times worse. So, should I primp and preen and get all sexy looking? Huh? Should I smile and laugh and joke and be just so charmingly irresistible that it's only a matter of time before some new lady jumps into my life? To perhaps love me as my lover once did? To perhaps take these leftovers and mash them into a fine paste...much like my lover has done with the majority of me already? Would that be better than a creepy, scary, mean, stay-the-fuck-away-from-me look? Well, I'm sorry again that you were disappointed, and again, I am not. And if some day, there is a warmth where my romantic heart once was, I will perhaps stoke that spark, more likely I will stomp it out, then spit on it. These are the moments that fill my life, Ms. Besos. These are the days that fill my weeks. These are the times that lengthen my nights. Thanks for your comments, and thanks for sharing my happy day with me. Have one of your own! 050904 ... Toxic_Kisses Nothing I say will appease you about my late arrival, so I prefer to stick with “no comment” on that. You’re understandably angry and hurt and need to vent and rant so I wont take your words personally. You’ve never disappointed to me, and honestly I seriously doubt you could ever do or say anything that could. Hair is after all ~just hair~ it is something that is so superficial to the person you truly are and so having said that I’m surprised at how offended and hurt you appear to be by what I said. I never meant to hurt your fragile ego my friend, I didn’t know wear you were mentally and emotionally when I said the blunt things that I did. When I think of you the words Strength, Intelligent, Logical, Analytical, Compassionate, Caring, Considerate and Honest come to mind. As far back as I can remember it was you who was always there when ever some one needed a shoulder to cry on and leaded an ear whenever someone needed to talk, regardless of who they were. BC I've admiringly watched you for so long I thought it was scarcely possible to hurt you, that some how you were impenetrable, that you’d evolved beyond pain. Suppose it was just simple wishful thinking on my part bc I never wanted to see you be hurt and in misery. The fact that some one so (cant find the right word) amazing as you is having to go though this pain feels so completely unfair compared to all you’ve given of yourself, what the hell ever happened to karma! I feel as though I’m looking at a broken egg, and if only I knew the right things to say and/or do I could some how piece it back together again, but we both know better bc no matter what I say or do, ultimately only you can put yourself back together again. While I may not always have the right words, you know I’ll always be here to listen, that is, if you still feel like talking to me. 050907 ... daf You've said the right things already. (tears) Thank you. I put some nicer pictures at the bottom for you. I'm sorry if I hurt you, please forgive me. I will love you always, my friend. 050907 ... Toxic_Kisses Sweetie, When you needed me I wasn’t there, you were quite understandably upset angry and hurt, and in that frame of mind most ppl (including me) would of done just what you did “you hurt me! So I’m going to hurt you back!!” Like I said knowing wear you were coming from and how you were feeling it’s no wonder you said the things you did, and if anything it is *~I~* who owe You the apology my friend, here it is your already in agony over the loss of your wife, and then to pile on that the feeling of abandonment of some one whom you thought was a friend and confidante, and that person isn’t their for you and is in fact no wear to be found, as for as you know I’ve just up and abandoned you during your time of anguish, after all how were you to know other wise? It is *~I~* who am sorry Daf forever hurting you. Their will be times that I cant be here, either simply bc my BF doesn’t like me to be in Blather (thus I have to some times sneak on, as I am now) or bc I’m being “punished” or even bc we cant afford to pay for the phone/internet bill. But don’t ever think I’m not here bc I’ve abandoned you Daf, I don’t do that to my friends, and I’d never do that to you. 050908 ... TK typo for -ever- hurting you. 050908 ... SleepieCloud I'm waking up next to you. You're kissing me shamelessly and I really want to shower and take a walk... with you. So I do. We're walking down the street squeaky clean on the outside and desprately dirty inside, holding hands. We could buy groceries or go to the park, or even stand here for the rest of our lives... which would be short because of not having brought anything to eat. as long as you're here. And you are. So we get some tacos, because that's what we always get and being with you is like an essay on "Things_We_Always_Do" We kiss and we have tacos and watch cult movies and listen to mix cds of bands with wierd names and we hug and then we eat something else because you can't have tacos twice in one day and then we get naked and go to bed... I never said it was a very good essay. but you're there. And tonight when I go to bed I will do it knowing that you'll be there when I wake up, and even if I have to leave It will have been a good day. 080718 ... SleepieCloud because you're there. 080718 ... dafremen I'm having much better days since I switched to decaf. 080719 what's it to you? who go blather from