get_the_fuck_away_from_me kingsuperspecial it the heart of it all I want so badly to be gone. to have nothing to feel,think,try and my escape is impossible. I don't believe that death would end the awarness of the intense shit-mess of the world that would be too damn easy. time converts the frantic trial and error of my youth into a reclusive, superficial web of friends, most of whom have no idea that I am only participating out of the sheer terror of what will happen if I am left to my own whims and ways. without these people, I would have no external reason to exist, and would rapidly fall into a state of apathetic seclusion. why does my own existance not susatain me. it is too fragile, my template for joy is to weak, my heart does not believe love, from a person or a god or anyone, is sustainable or unconditional. say what you will, I trust no one. I feel this state is imprinted in my soul, and I don't have the energy to change it myself. Therapists just want your money, and on a personal level nobody seems to have much interest in proving me wrong. So, I follow my path and try not upset anyone and just to do right, and the friends never know how empty I am inside. They are my entertainment, my distraction from the misery within. but have an endless supply of people to which I can make a passing show of engadgement, keeping the realiship just interesting enough that they like me without burdening them with the ugliness inside. I will carry on this way forever, and my only hope is that what comes next is pure, empty darkness, endless and welcoming in its lack of feeling. bleak, stark, hopeless, cold, done. 010807 ... florescent light I understand how you feel sweet beautiful Aaron I have felt it myself... ...I feel it myself at this moment actually it's not fair that someone else should have to feel that despair espcially someone as good as you if I could, I would take your pain away and bestow it upon myself tenfold I care about you I wish I knew what else to say 010807 ... lost oh my god that is exactly the situation i am in. i have tried to put it in words but to no avail(i'm not good with words though). 010807 ... only_tuesday you old pervert. tattooing young girls for "favors". don't ever try to get near me. i don't let people touch me. and don't think you're an exception. 010808 ... yummychuckle something that SOME ONE wants to say to me. And has, in every possible way besides this. 010809 ... kingsuperspecial you don't have to say anything, wifey. thanks for being there. or here. or where ever the fuck you are. 010809 ... Dafremen Heheh I found this blather SOOOO charming and familiar that I HAD to react. No choice in the matter what-so-ever. Florescent and lost are absolutely correct of course, you are NOT alone in your feelings of emptiness and absence of self. Some of my closest friends are those same feelings. Isolation my shield, loneliness my solace, emptiness my empathy. I find it curious but not suprising how many Libras feel this empty feeling of identity-lessness. As if it is only through the trust, faith, expectations and needs of those around us that we are defined. It doesn't suprise me that we're confused, who wouldn't be? It's an odd unpleasant-seeming way to live. I'm curious as to WHY we haven't realized yet what the reality of this condition means to our ability to do what Libras do. We empathize. We role play. We jump into and out of people's minds and situations as easily as we change our clothes(for some of us, empathizing is easier). How exactly do you think we do that so well? (Hint: An empty vessel is easier to fill than a full one and the added contents remain unchanged.) I think we find a parallel example in the Taurus person. In the Taurus personality, the mind is extremely absorptive. Sometimes this leads to the Taurus person frequently repeating thoughts, phrases and jokes that they hear. What the rest of us don't realize is that this is normal for a Taurus person. It's this receptive mind that allows them to take the ball(idea) that someone else throws and run with it to score the goal(make it happen), a Tauran specialty. I propose that the same holds true for the ambiguous identity crisis that we all seem to be suffering. Although at some level we eventually form a loose identity of sorts, for the most part we remain undefined. This would make perfect sense for an individual whose personality exhibits the peculiarities that Libran folk seem to share. Who better to let another's motivations, fears and joys into their hearts and minds than someone who is only loosely attached to their OWN motivations. How many of you pick up accents or speaking mannerisms when you are around people with accents or speaking mannerisms?(Like on a vacation?) You've noticed, I'm sure. Strange? Not to us it isn't, we're fitting in, we're filling the vessel that is our emptiness with what allows us to more easily "fit in" and subsequently do a better job of empathizing. I have no idea what YOUR sun sign is KSS, believe it or not, but regardless I think that you and all of us would do well to reconsider the role that this emptiness TRULY plays in our lives. Make us miserable does it? Well yes and no is what I'm suggesting. The curse is a blessing and the blessing a curse, isn't that always the way? 010810 ... kingsuperspecial tell me more. please. no more of this libra shit. I'm a taurus. more taurus things. what makes me tick? why am I such a fucking wreck? I don't empathize with anyone. I think we're all equally fucked. If I mimic other's, it's because I feel they are unique and interesting, and I'm just worthless uncreative shit. plus, I'm always drunk. I wonder how that fit's into the grand scheme of things. my theory? drunk = less pain, or a less complicated, more physical less cognative pain. a predictable, managable pain hat supersceeds the real challenge of trying to tolorate the other selfish, vicious, greedy monkeys that I'm forced to share this miserable rock with. - pain is ever present. - pain is the end result of trust. - pain is inevitable. I would love to hear your thoughts on all that. hook me up, I'm your eagerly waiting blather_bitch I have to go throw up now, and get ready for work. 010810 ... Dafremen Taurus...sweet sensitive Taurus. I've often wondered how you people bear the indignity of being so grossly misunderstood. The Tauran quest is for the mission, the goal, and when it is lacking well, you have emptiness where it's supposed to go. Your cynical nature leads me to believe that you've had a healthy dose of the nightmare that is life here on what Einstein called "this dreary sphere of infinite confusion". I am truly sorry for that, although I must say I am envious of the amount of personality that you exude in spite of your lack of it. The truth is KSS, in a selfish world generosity is often met with exploitation, concern with manipulation, sensitivity with laughter and malicious torment. No shoulders are better equipped to bear the weight big guy. Your own awareness of your shortcomings shows your strength in spite of your fear. The drinking? Hey don't talk to me about substance abuse pal, I have my OWN demons to contend with right now. : ) P.S. Yes I f*cking understand, that's what I do and DON'T tell me you don't empathize, that's a lie, you empathize deeply and that's why the wretchedness of the situation affects you so. P.P.S. Throwing up is good for you on occasion. (No Yummy I DIDN'T say that...stop it girl..no don't please you're going to hurt yourself. Ewwww.) 010810 ... florescent light I love you dear daffy us libras have got to stick together and you're absolutly right about the language thing, I always thought it was some personal flaw of mine to pick up other peoples accents within seconds. I figure it's because my self-identity isn't solid enough. 010810 ... Dafremen Your self-identity is as strong as it needs to be. If you feel that it needs to be stronger, then perhaps you need to look at what you mean by self-identity dearest florescent. What I'm trying to say is this: We are what we are in spite of our misplaced distrust of what we are and our misestimation of our own self-worth. What is it that you want to do more than ANYTHING in life? Sure, psychology, yea yea but....no, what do you want to DO..not how do you want to do it. You want to help people. KSS and Db and my son want to have a goal they want to have a purpose they want to have a mission and of course they want to be understood. You have this "not-solid-enough" identity because it will help you get what you want more than anything...to help everyone to be happy so that YOU can finally be happy. That's your forte girl, go with it. Professor Seward says to guard against the accent thing. He has a point, it can appear mocking at times. We know people, we should be able to tell when it is appropriate to "de-alienize" ourselves by taking on local accents and customs. I bet you're the kind of lady who would avoid the tourist areas when you travel. You know, see how the people that live in the area live, see life through the eyes of a local. See, there is a definite advantage to this ambiguously defined self, girl, you can't afford to have a solid forceful identity, it would get in the way of what we do. We can empathize and understand because we can take on the role without our OWN identities getting in the way. The better you get at throwing away the notion of "normal", the more you come to appreciate how the same things that doom us to live apart from the rest of the humanity that we love is that which enables us to truly HELP the humanity that we love in a way that no other type of person can. Cuz hey, "Don't tell US we don't understand... that's all we do 24 hours a day 7 days a week is understand whether we want to or not... the better to help you with my dear." 010810 ... Dafremen P.S. You're pretty kicka$$ yourself. Did you have any doubt? Doubt no more. If Daf sez it's so, I'm up to about 85% accuracy, so I'd put my money on you being as kicka$$ as I say you are if I were you. 010810 ... lost wow!! Daff. I noticed along time ago that when i am around someone with an accent that I suddenly seem to take on that accent a little too, and yes florescent we have to stick together. 010811 ... lost lately this is something i have been saying yet i want the exact opposite. 011009 what's it to you? who go blather from