ask_baby_satan baby satan here you are. since god is gone, or will be gone shortly, i'll be in charge of the universe for the next five weeks or so. here is where you can ask me shit. please send any and all food questions to baby_satan's_snack_tips. anything else you can ask here. 010623 ... paste! where is my sense of keeping a moose occupied? i mean, they get bored too easily. 010623 ... baby satan paste!---- you probably just need to get in touch with your inner moose. you have to ask yourself: "what would a moose find interesting?" the ability to entertain is there, but it needs to be tapped into before it can be fleshed out. take your moose for walks. play air hockey with it. take it out for a night of gambling and drinking. the more time you spend with your moose, and the more you pay attention to its responses to the things you expose it to, you will beging to learn just what it is that your moose likes to do. if you get no response at all and decide to throw in the sweat rag, you know how to make use of your moose. but it shouldn't come to that. 010623 ... paste! yep, i've made many a ELECTRIC MOOSE PIE before. certainly might be the case with this one too. sheesh i give up! besides i don't want to make this moose thing seem too allegorical. what's my horoscope for the next few hours? i'm an aquarius. 010623 ... baby satan in the next few hours, you will meet a disfigured merman who will tell you of the existence of a cynthia mask, thereby freeing up any dust particles that may have been floating throughout your subconscious. then you will go swimming. one of you will nearly drown, but the other will perform artificial respiration, saving the day and becoming a much-touted frog ventriloquist in the process. 010623 ... paste! wow, that was actually really close to what happened. i did meet a merman, not too disfigured but very intoxicated. he was in the "river of idle broadcasters" and just as you said, swimming. i think he drowned though, if not merely disappeared. much to my chagrin, the cynthia mask was never actually found; how did you know i'd been frenetically searching for that priceless artifact of Quirkles the Sophisticated? man, that's odd. odd that you'd know. have you been sifting through my mail or something? what gives? i'm leery of you. anyhow, baby satan, in addition to your mastery of the culinary arts, your precision in the realm of astrology is utterly mystifying. jeepers banana shriek. and yeah, i was wondering what that odd feeling was in my jaw. apparently i can mimic the sounds of frogs now. i have a feeling that i'll be able to speak fluent froglish in no time, but i'm not sure why and what sort of efforts it'll take. if your prophecy is true, maybe i'll become THE world renowned frog ventriliquist innately and sooner that we think! question: can whispering cure cancer? 010624 ... yummychuckle Why do so many people think monkeys are cool, and why do those people think THEY are cool for talking about them? 010624 ... nocturnal not tryin to do your job here, baby, but in response to yummychuckle: it's all about the name droppin. people assume if you talk about someone, you must know them. if you know the monkeys, you must be cool, too. 010624 ... bubble land I know lots of monkeys. they are all clowns. 010624 ... DannyH If a million monkeys typed randomly at a million typewriters... why, that would be us. Maybe one day one of us will get lucky and they'll let us all out of this fucking laboratory 010624 ... baby satan paste!---- whispering can cure cancer if it is done at an incredibly high pitch. if your whispering can make dogs bay up and start tapdancing, you can cure cancer. yummychuckle---- in general, people are stupid pieces of shit who assume that...what nocturnal said. piss. nocturnal---- what you said. piss. bubble land---- you are a freezer with no ice. DannyH---- enough about monkeys. bees are cool. 010624 ... Persona since god bugged out before he answered my question, I'll ask you: if he's such a big all-powerful-can-do-anything hotshot, could he make me a coffee mug so heavy even he couldn't lift it? 010624 ... black-dyed gel product Dear baby satan, How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop? How many licks does it take to get to the Center for Disease Control? 010624 ... baby satan Persona---- probably not. maybe. wait - i've got something in my eye. er...um...no. black-dyed gel product---- to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop - 79 licks. the center for disease control - 32. 010624 ... imnotcrazy Dear baby satan, Last night i got a little too tipsy and now i have a 3 foot spike imbedded in my chest, it didn't even bleed or anything, it's a little uncomfortable when i breathe, any tips on how to remove it myself? 010707 ... black-dyed gel product hey baby satan, who was your favorite planeteer from captain planet? I put some thought into this, and I came to the conclusion that I like Moti, the kid with the heart power. At first I thought he was just a little pussy with a shitty power, but then I realized something: he can make dogs hump someone's leg. What's worse, drowning because of that girl with the water power or being suffocated by a pack of horny, gyrating dogs? What's your opinion? 010709 ... baby satan imnotcrazy---- three-foot spikes can be removed a number of ways. however, to avoid any unnecessary discomfort, i suggest using an electric toothbrush. when activated, hold the toothbrush against the skin surrounding the spike. if it doesn't pop out of your skin within thirty seconds, consult your neighbourhood dermatologist. black-dyed gel product---- while moti's powers were quite something to behold, i would have to say that my money's on wheeler. sure, his fire power was pretty lame, but he definitely had a way with the ladies. especially that linka chick. and his heart was always in the right place (i.e. his sneakers). 010710 ... kingsuperspecial hey baby satan: I've been invited to a shit fight at the monkey cage in the zoo. I'm wondering what to wear, and if there are any "secret" stragegies I should be aware of. So far was my only plan was to get a white tuxedo with a pastel pink comberbun from the goodwill and try not to open my mouth very wide during the festivities. 010721 ... baby satan your plan sounds solid, kss, but here are a few pointers that'll help you out in the cage: |-|when hurling shit, be sure not to overstrain yourself. shit can be deceptively lightweight, leading you to overcompensate for its lightness by hurling it with all your might. bad idea. hurl with confidence, but not too violently. the important thing is to follow through, as one would during a game of golf or kerosene hockey. |-|when shit is being hurled at you, try a reverse swallowing motion: act like you're going to swallow something, only do it backwards. if done properly, this will cause the flesh of your face to curl inward and an inner layer of gum tissue and such will thrust outward to protect you from shit. also, keep a firm stance with knees slightly bent. it is important to find your chi when shit-flinging. |-|consider picking up a fedora. not only will it look bitchin, but it will also help to scoop up shit and catch that which is flung at you. plus, if you wear no pants, you can use it to obscure your genitals during key moments. good luck! 010721 ... paste! what's the best way to shave a fish? i just caught a furry little one in my rowboat and i'm hoping to make a seabeard out of the shavings. thx in advance! 010721 ... baby satan well, paste!, there are a few accepted methods of fish-shaving. the most common involve tearing away the facial hair with a pair of needlenose pliers or beating it off with a dull spoon, but i've found the most effective method to be vanderfookin's jumper cable removal. vanderfookin was an overlooked german philosopher who was never alive nor deceased, but is merely a figment of my imagination. still, he will be mentioned again from time to time as his influence is still felt today in many demonic circles. anyphooey, here's how the jumper cable removal method works: you hook one end of the cables up to your vehicle, the other end to the fish's genitals, and let 'er rip. the electrical force sent through the genitals is enough to vibrate the gills to such an extent that any and all facial hair will loosen completely. all you have to do then is pull it off gently. 010721 ... paste! vanderfookin was certainly an unheralded mastermind. i remember this story of him being stuck in a grocery basket and how did he get out? he turned into a clam and fell out through the bottom. then he scurried to the ocean never to be seen again (in clam form). i think it'd be in everyone's best interest if you could pass on more of the wisdom and lore of this supernaut. by the way, the seabeard kicks skillet! 010721 ... Dafremen How many different types of brimstone goes into your Louisiana-style hot sauce recipe? 030823 ... paste! there's this chimney on my roof but i think it might just be a vagrant. everytime i look up there it's a 50/50 chance and 100 percent confusion. if its a chimney i want to give it a big hat, if its a vagrant i want to offer mascara. how can i tell the difference? 140724 ... baby satan it's funny you would ask me this question, old friend, because i just now finished reading geraldo rivera's bestselling erotic memoir "how to tell if the thing on your roof is a chimney or a vagrant". it's only 13 pages long, but those 13 pages changed my life. the method our man geraldo arrives at after very little deliberation is something he calls the screaming nipple test. it's a well-kept secret in the construction world that all chimneys have hidden nipples that can only be unearthed by standing on one leg while singing "quit playing games with my heart" by the backstreet boys. easier said than done on the roof of a house that would sooner hurl you to the ground than uproot itself to break your fall, but strong hearts prevail where misguided souls fear to eat pez. so, you stand on one leg and channel the soul of nick carter, and at least one nipple will reveal itself by the time the chorus hits. but here's the thing. if your possible chimney is in fact a vagrant, it's a well-kept secret in the music industry that the soul-stirring artistry of the backstreet boys causes the nipples of vagrants to emit a high-pitched shrieking sound. millions of canadian tire dollars have been funneled into thorough scientific studies, with no conclusive results. no one knows why this happens, or why chimneys don't react in the same way. all we know is, protest has a sound, and it's the sound of tender tissue weeping. in short, and to quote the man himself: "if it screams, get thee to a fancy restaurant." 140724 what's it to you? who go blather from