dear_psychic_donkey oldephebe please accept this offering of newly shorn wheat and cucumber sized carrots (i washed the clinging sod off myself sir) i am showing the proper deferance as i do not want to have my face kicked in by your imperial and totally appropriate temper. Please forgive any referance i made to you on any blathe devoted to us chattering primates not so altruistic or precise ideal of clarity and definition. Now i will scamper off to hide myself in shade so as not to further incure your Deified Badness. I will now go and ablate before the closest thing i have resembling your psychic donkyness's iconography..a respectful rendering of bottom from a midsummer night's dream. I will be buffing the floor with my brow and braying my catchechisms of pennance. All hail the Psychic Donkey!! Forever and ever Ramen ... your ever fastidious supplicant oE..your royal priest DOAR has suggested that if I leave an offering every day for the next 10 days, i will be restored..*brays plaintively and then slavishly backs off, all the while averting my gaze* ... 031117 ... DOAR MY AGENT....ahem....my agent on this earth, known henceforth as DOAR, shall be the intermidiatary for such supplications (unless you are female, then you will be directly admitted an audience with my Donkiness) and absolutions. And yes foolish mortal, offerings of wit laced apples, sarcastic carrots and altruistic ruminations (hehe) must be sacrificed at dawn, blindtime, and dusk each day for a fortnight. Only then will I be sated and your dishelvelment forgiven. HIS PSYCHYNESS HAS SPOKEN. Spread the word. . 031117 ... DOAR "deified badness".... Jesus, Mary and the deified badass donkey......that was supremely agreeable with the muscles on my face that make me smile widely and lose my footing. 031117 ... DOAR oh....and psst....oE... just a friendly reminder, ya gots ta fill out form 1287b, "Form to formerly request to be considered (in the inventuality of extreme non-existance), maybe, if his donkiness feels like it, to become a supplicant with proper offerings." Don't even ask about form 9u24i-b page 87. 031117 ... oldephebe um begging your Eminences' pardon might i forego the cited forms and request a handful of His equine hybrid divinities freshly excreted feces to mix with the consecrated hay and light it as a holy incense in order to coax my reprobate mind into a receptive state for my catchechisms of pennance? I have the shrine set up and everything. I even brought as a gift to His Royal Badass a parody of the horse whisperer entitled 'The hoof in inept mouth receiver.' It's great. This robert redford look alike, except for the gin blossom and faint smell of home brew wich can be used as petrol on some tractors, gets hammered in his jaw over and over. He's a completely inept equine hybrid supplicant. Even after reconstructive surgery and an intense tutledge by your Eminence's 2nd cousin the itinerant actor/part-time royal groundsman he still gets hammered in the jaw. Now i shall back away humbly with my eyes averted. I wait for your and His Royal Badass's response. *tosses assorted flora and sugar cubes on the pile of tribute by the door* 031117 ... badass donkey ah....you know about prostration little pilgrim.... here's some highly odiferous pilings for your humble chapel to the BEST DAMN DONKEY IN TEXAS (hmm....now that i've got one convert, maybe we should send him forth and gather more......we could offer him a deaconship or something....hmmm) yes go forth and joyously confabulate your expletives, invariably gastronomical distresses simmering underneath your word eccentric platitudes.....heheheh 031118 ... oldephebe a platitude an attitude, i'd like a sclerosis inducing Mcheart attack on a bun and some potatoe facsimili snacking product glistening with prohibitive viscosity..but i don't dare indulge my baser drives..his royal equine badness expects me to distribute these 5k pamphlets by 6:00 am. Might i ask Your Eminence if I could wear my lime green rain poncho? (it's to catch all pestilent spatter of the heathen who refuse to hear your holy bray..*gently places a bushel of assorted organically grown fauna atop the pile of tribute* ... 031118 ... Doar hmmm....his most holy donkiness will have to ruminate about the lime green rain gear..... hhhmmmm... hmmm... (this could take awhile) hmmm... hhhh...... zzzz.... his most holy donkiness has proclaimed that lime green rain gear shall be the preferred method for travelling through the desert of the true path (although you will have to wear the praple galoshes of meditation while carrying our most holy word out to the masses, sorry, but donky boy says it is so), and ye shall spread widely the word and bring back some beer and fritos. 031119 ... oldephebe i understand and obey, because of your divine benevolence i tremble not in fear but in divine adulation. You have called me out of the dark and mean diseased wilderness and sent me back out into them. You have taught me how to not hate my advesary, and yet still deliver a hind kick out of love, yes out of the love shown me. Yes Your Supreme Donkeyness I will don the parka, thank you for granting me that most wisest and gracious of all dispensations. I have purchased a pair of consecrated purple slippers, so that my unhoofed feet are shod with a verisimilitude of the truth. I will suffer without retaliation (except for the blessing of the hoof to the jaw which the unenlightened may construe as an agressive or brutal act) But how will they enter into that blessed state of receptivity without the devine hoof to the head ritual? Your words have emboldened me Your Eminence. Until the next time we speak. *throws again assorted flora and a 1/16th bale of consecrated hay upon the tribute table before bowing, averting eyes and walking backwards out the door with the appropriate expression of deferance* ... 031119 ... Doar well, mesmer donkey, mary and the jesus that fell behind, i have proclimations from HIS MOST BENEVOLENT, TRUSTWORTHY, TOUCHY/FEELY, BIPOLAR, RABBIT HATING, SPONGE BATHING DONKINESS. these are todays commandments. THOU SHALT NOT DRINK OF COCA COLA. THOU SALT THE FOOD LIGHTLY. THOU SHALL ....HMMM....OH....I HAD A GOOD ONE.....MOST PROFANE OF PROFANITIES.....I'M GOING TO GO KICK SOMETHING REAL HARD NOW..... THOU SHALT NOT READ OVER OTHER PEOPLES GARDEN HOSES. (yeah, don't do it you evil bastards....heheh) THOU SHALT DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO UNTO YOU (trust me it works beautifully) THOU SHALT SHAVE, SHOWER AND RUB CAULIFLOWER JUICES INTO THINE SKIN (ok....that was more just for my amusement) THOU SHALT PRETEND YOU ARE IN FULL CONTROL OF YOUR ACTIONS, THEN RUN AWAY SCREAMING WHEN THE FIT HITS THE SHAN. ok...ok....that's all for todays life lessons. 031119 ... oldephebe I have fallen your Donkiness, I come with naught but the tattered rags of my recidivist lapse into a life of squalor, raking the bottom of apostacies river bed. Here, I will paint my panorama of pain and sedition, I have sojourned so far from home into the heathen valley of Apis. Apis the Sacred Gilded Bull. With a trembling voice I tell my tale. I have burrowed deep into the dung hill of sorrow. what must this prodigal petitioner do to build the bridge back into your terrible heart? I know you will need more than a moat of tears to liberate me from your wrath. Set the trials before me. Ordain the crucibles of flame that will cleanse me. ... 040126 ... endless journey into emptiness Oh and here's some hay polished with the salt of my tears, a gentle abrasive agent, for your divine mastication. *sets it down gingerly* 040126 ... Death of a Rose OLDEPHEBE.........your repentant desire shall be granted. His donkiness (and what an ass he is) shall shake his booty and proclaim that oE must journey into the nearest desert. Fast for 2.75 days. Eat some peyote. Have some really wicked halucinations. Write some soft jazz music made for the clarinet. After 10 days you shall return and report your experiences to his most holy ass. 040209 ... oldephebe I have heard by a party representing himself as a legate from the Office of His Most Reverand and Esteemed Viceroy to His Most Holy Seed of Priapus The Pyschic Donkey, that His Donkyness is Dead. Incidentally, the Last Time I spoke with The Most Reverand Viceroy, he rapped me viciously over the head with his Sacred Sceptre, a bejeweled thick cord of oak. It left quite a whelp. ... Tell me this is not true. Tell me this is the artful deception of a disgruntled alter boy. Tell me this is a test of my faith. My Abraham moment. I'm not READY to garland a grave with my red swollen eyes. Sentinel to ceaseles sorrow and all of that. 040220 ... Death of a Rose PROCLOMATIONS FROM HIS MOST UNHOLY AND RAVENOUS DONKINESS: 2. HENCEFORTH AND FORTHWITH AND BEWITCHED AND AFTER THE WAR AND .........COUGH...COUGH.....sorry bout that........FROM NOW ON ALL HIGH PRIESTS MUST SUBMIT TO REGULAR FINGER NAIL CHEWING. 3. HIS DONKINESS HAS DECREED THAT BETWEEN THE HOURS OF TWO AND THREE O'CLOCK ON FRIDAY MORNINGS SHALL BE SPENT STARING AT A NEON FLASHING SIGN THAT STATES "JESUS SAVES". PLEASE NOTE THAT WHILE DOING THIS THE PARTICIPANT MUST MENTALLY REPLACE THE WORD "JESUS" WITH THE WORD "DONKEY BOY". 4. CARPETS ARE NOW CONSIDERED UNHOLY AND SACRILEGOUS. THERE FORE ALL CARPET IN SUPPLICANTS DOMOCILES SHALL BE RIPPED OUT AND USED FOR EXORCISM RITES. 5. CUPS WITHOUT HANDLES ARE PREFERRED. 6. DO NOT RUN WITH SCISSORS. SPRINT WITH THEM. 7. READ BACKWARDS AT LEAST TWICE YEARLY. 8. HUM THE THEME TO JAWS WHILE STANDING IN LINE AT LOCAL SWIMMING POOL. 9. BEGIN FINGERING THE POLICE AS OFTEN AND AS NECESSARY TO BE ARRESTED. TELL THEM THAT YOUR MOST HOLY DONKEY BOY TOLD YOU TO. 10. ENLARGE YOUR EGO BY CHANGING YOUR SCALE OF REFERENCE. that's it for today folks. plus don't push as you make your way to the tellers window to make your donation. 040301 ... oldephebe Okay my lurid lascivious leige, I'm writing this down with industry and nodding my head hasidically as well. When I finger the police am I allowed to wear an anal stopper you know in case they resort to violent sodomy with a police truncheon? Your willing and soon to be (you betcha!)and b the way..the uniqueness and mystery of each and every human life under the lense and not really protection of The DonkeyBOy is solved. The problem of Me is solved thanx to my blind servitude to His Donkyness and all his don't you dare say fallible and despotic - infallible dang diddly dung it's going to be so much fun carrying out your wishes. Here's some carrots, premium hay and celestial sugar cubes...*backs away reverantly* 040301 ... oE (...) *racks hasidically before animal totem* 040302 ... oE *rocks hsically back and forth before animal totem* 040302 ... Holy Donkey Boy Toy His mind bending donkiness has to reward his most faithful follower "of the trodden path to selfish enlightenment", a self flagallation whip made of the tail hairs from his most royal ass (princely and fresly shaved it is). May Oldephebe use it to ensure the donkey word remains true in his mind and heart. (psss....here is some donkey brand compresses for the self flagallation thing). Go forth with donkey boys holy blessing. *tosses droplets of fresh urine at oE* 040302 ... oE (...) 040302 ... HalIncadenza oldephebe is just lying there sprawled and almost in an aphasic state..his face clearly in a rictus of something between horror and ecstacy..I'm not at all comfortable with the issues that would raise..and he's reeking of donkey urine...some portal between death and perversity and life has clearly been opened *stoops down to feel oE's pulse* yeah his pulse is consistant with someone whose presenting the liklihood of an intense psychic interface with the animation of an animal totem.. will moniter for a while before taking any drastic measures to awaken - 040302 ... Death of a Rose coming soon to a shrine near you, it's the highly anticipated action/thriller/romance/comedy/mystery/noir spectacle "Donkey Boys Holy Words" bible. forward by Billy Bob Clinton, footnotes by Oldephebe, diagrams thrown in for free, connotations strictly adhered to, similes as always (hehe) and soon after that blockbuster of entertainment and self lighting bible, comes "Idiot's Guide to Donkydom". 040324 ... oldephebe I can't wait. A new catcheshism AND I get to write the footnotes. ... 040420 ... Doar We have made up some new booklets to promote the upcoming around the world tour of his Brayfullness. Please pass out at the local supermarkets. Thanks. 040617 ... Death of a Rose and when we said "Pass out...." it was meant in a transfer of pamphlets from your hands to the unwashed. And not to be disgutingly drunk and comatose at your local supermarket. "These donkey words are brought to you by Mark's House of Plastic Icons. Where Mark is slashing prices on all your favourite Icons. Come on down and take a look at our gigantic selection." disclaimer: please see in store for details. 040810 what's it to you? who go blather from