lou_la_belle so far away from eveything
i always seem to find myself
apart from the comings
and goings
of this crazy hectic circus
somtimes i step in
and relish the spotlight
focused solely on me
and yet how is it then
that so often
i am alone
and in the dark
with no spotlight to call my own
it's 'cause i am so stubborn
that i refuse to share
what in my mind
belongs rightly to me
and so i drift away
slowly and with regret
that i no longer hold
the centre stage,
and find myself yet again
so very far away.
notme this year i've managed to do nothing 040605
trixie so its been a while, you, my you.
managed to hurt each other slowly.
sorry I'm not as nice as i used to be
don't call
don't pick up
but, know that i still do obsess constantly over you.
and also know that it isn't happenstance that i moved just a few blocks from our first date, musician city, your favorite part of the island.
i worry all the time, really, that ill run into on the street even though you don't live here. thinking, that maybe you had to come through quickly for a business deal and couldn't call. surprise, you'd say.
i'm sorry i can't stop going to your web site and listening to your music, it is good, but i wouldn't normally listen to it, or U2 for that matter, so much. I'd be reading more. drinking and other bad things less.

It's ironic - you'd always end our calls with "be good." I've done everything but. Oh, sure, I'm not nearly as wrong as the next guy, I made good grades, not arrested. I have friends. But finding myself in a stranger's apartment after puking out beer, wine, weed, coke, other alchohols, and my sheer disgust with everything behind a nice bar in SoHo, without my clothes, in Person X's bed, without my wits, and wanting to be bad and wrong and dirty and to just be taken advanrage of, because that was the day you were coming to town for "errands" and would apparently kill me if you didn't see me, and you never called. you never came. so i was going to get what i wanted with or without you. it wasn't that bad. i hate cocaine, i know that much. i also know that sometimes people actually don't take full advantage of naked girls in their bed. i'm lucky. glad i'm still a virgin even though i'm a dirty one now. i was coked out of my mind, but it counts. so i'm not perfect, neither are you. but i do miss you, i think.

i've been in a funk since the minute you left. sure, it's irrational. but i have. and what's worse is that you have too. it makes me feel good and bad. good because yes, i have dont my womanly job and hooked a man. yes, it's mutual. yes, if i ever move to your state i'll have a worshipper. no because, it sucks. no because, i don't want to move on. and i don't. it's been so fucking long now, what would i do? i would have no purpose. i would be nice all the time. nothing would upset me. that's no fun.

next week you'll be in san fran opening the new ball park. that's little more than an hour from my parents house and where i used to live. the irony is painful. i want to send my friends to spy on you. i'm just that creepy. because i don't want to call you, i want to get over you. and this is how - lurking.

so what is it then? i don't have the energy to be a good person here and be strong and happy for the sake of things. i'd rather be horrible and "forget" the whole thing. rather never call ever. but i will think about you endlessly. and wish and hope and prey for the day you move here and your band is successful. hey, it could happen. but in the meantime i can't eat, sleep, get anything done. i cant even listen to the music i want to or wear what i want to or be a slob and get fat because i'm kind of afraid you're stalking me and watching me, and even though that's wrong and scary i don't want you to find me unattractive.

trixie i still think you are watching me and mocking me and kind of impressed that i was honest when i said that i don't tan. i get a heat rash. see? i'm a pain in the ass to be with, your typical jew.

so far now i've talked to you twice. once it was really nice, we talked about possible album titles and you said you would send me a cd. we ended saying how we wanted to talk to each other more. then i stalemated you, and got drunk and listen to your songs and didn't call, and didn't call, and didn't call. but, hey, i thought about you. i dated other people. and i didn't call. but none of them were good enough. i didn't like any of them. there was a british guy, he looked good at a party, but then turned into a wanker. i can't blame him though. he's british. and then you called one night when i was in the living room and i didn't answer because i didn't hear the phone. and, well, i'd kind of forgotten, which was one of the best things that could have happened to me, i remember being happy again and playing with my friends like i was a kid. did i mention that i dated again? and even though i didn't really like any of them at least i was out there. and then one sunday morning you called when you were at a picnic for free beer. we only talked a little bit, but i mentioned how i thought underground culture could be ignorant and you were impressed with my observation. rock on me. you said you sent my cd yesterday. i got it a few days later - i hated it. then i liked it. then i wanted to think of something good to say. then i had finals. and lauren came back. and then i forgot what i was going to say. and i got scared, i took your number out of my phone. then i went to california. i called you there, after a week. it had been over a month. i didn't hear from you. i stalked you online. i looked at public records online for marriage, sex offenders, gun ownership, pentacostal churches, the houston chronicle music reviews... did you know that some of the bands you've been involved with previously have cds on amazon that are going for like 4 dollars? you should check into that. a single from 1998 was played on the Stanford University student radio. You might have a brother named Glen. You might have lived in Salt Lake City. Your old producer from a few years ago thought you were a stellar bass player, he has a blog. Your ex girlfriend might like 5.8 miles from your parent's house, according to mapquest. Your current band has changed its lineup once. Ellen Degeneres went to a local highschool. A house around the corner from you just sold for $6,000. I think you must be white trash. That scares me. My being upper middle class scares you and that scares me. It's no big deal my mom's a doctor, she's a total air head sometimes. It's all a fluke. We eat eggs for dinner. I wore the same pair of shoes until I was 12, really. We're nothing to covet, look at me - I'm a stalker. I have a file on you. I could tell you the name of every person you've worked with and what papers gave you good reviews. You played at the SxSW festival 2 years ago. You won the battle of the bands. Most of the bands you've been with sound like Radiohead or Muse. You've been compared to the Verve too. Your ex-girlfriend photographer has photographed your last two bands. I hate her. I think her pictures are shit. If I saw her on the street I would rape her with her own 32mm lense. She needs a faster shutter and should look into digital because everything she touched should be photoshoped like hell. Your father's name is William, I have his phone number. He says the devil is inside of you.

Anyway... I think you're really pissed at me because I've done the unthinkable here - by not calling you about your album I've dissed you and your band and the number one rule of dating a musician is that his music is always the most important thing in his life. i knew that. i just didn't care. and since you're going to tour again soon and will meet someone else with brown eyes and a pleasant interest in you and your work I'll be easy to chuck. it just sucks because my parents love each other more than me now, i know it's selfish but i'm lonely now. one of my best friends is moving away and now i've gone and lost you. i know this whole thing, this "relationship" was more than it was worth long-distance, but i put so much emphasis on you. i belived you would move to new york. i believed you would call and i would call when we said goodbye and you kissed my eyes. i won't cry, but you kissed my face, there has got to be some sort of promise imbedded in that.

i'll miss you. but i've basically been a pain in the ass since i met you.

here's to lesbianism!
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