pd_needs_help pipedream i am numbed. i think i should cry, but it wont come and i dont want to. i am so calm, so with it, so rational right now that i am scaring myself. i should be angry, i should be sad, i should feel something other than this white silence but i dont. i am just numb. maybe its going to be like waiting to vomit, you just have to wait and feel your jaw clenching slowly and then it all just comes in a gut-wrenching rush. i suppose i can wait for something to happen, but i dont think it'll matter much. my head is clear, my eyes are dry, my step is still brisk. this feels unreal, smooth, scratchless walls that you can't climb, an eerie silencing of my inner monologue. there's just a blankness. i am not in denial, i am not having putting-off-with issues, nothing like that whatsoever. just complete calm. this is a little freaky because i am NOT a calm person, i don't take things like this. im not in shock, i knew this would happen..not now, but it was going to sooner or later. i dont know whats happening but its just something alien and im wondering if this happens to everyone once in a while... 031013 ... TK I exzisted like that from the age of 9 untill the age of 18 sometime, I hope this lack of feeling doesent consume you like it did me 031013 ... oldephebe pd did something horroble happen..some circumstantial catalyst? It's cool if you don't want to go into it. Don't mean to pry. Listen, we have all been brushed by blight..we have all been also been lightened in our depths by your effulgence..your special gift of expression..so we all are here for you..whatever that means..but i'm hoping that this feeling of embalmed ennui will pass..you write so effortlessly..really beautifully..beyond your years..and i'm not just being faux complimentary.. your blather bud oldephebe 031013 ... ashmanzhou maybe feeling nothing is not so bad feeling something after all is where all problems internal cometh but to feel nothing an empty patch where souleless felt or cold crystal hard harsh and bare feel something if anything to fill the hole force thyself to feel anger despair hate envy or fear to fill it strong emotions-character of humanity never force love-it is worthless and impossible become you and only you you dont need help that you cannot give to yourself dont feel you cannot feel feeling never fades if not from use there is a reason you find it and hold it close 031013 ... pipedream ash, im so glad you're back, i hope you're doing okay now...thank you for taking time to lend a shoulder, i appreciate it. yeah, 'phebes, something rather terrible *did* happen yesterday, but i don't feel its seemly to talk about it so publicly. my heart's been bruised, in a rather abstruse nutshell..kind of punched in the stomach and left breathless for all the wrong reasons. what is weird, or strange,or a little scary, is this blankness im feeling. i've been told this *is* a reaction, not a lack of one, but its a reaction alien to me. im the type who yells and throws shoes and cries with the shower running so nobody guesses what i'm really up to. i don't become calm like this. rational. im not even brooding much. its like being in a white room, inside a glass box and just watching everyone go by in an elaborate mime. white silence that isn't suffocating me, just swallowing up everything. i don't know how to explain this so im writing it down..i don't not care, i don't have absolutely no take on this. i do, but somehow its all been muted and all i feel is a small melancholy at what could have been, a mild anger at throwing it all away, but that's it. sometimes a flash of something that burns, but just a moment of it. *this* is not what is supposed to happen, i cared more than this. *i'm* all right, but i don't know how to react to the silent static inside. 031014 ... blah-ze you will survive you may have been shocked, unable to know how to react. it just shows another level of you that you weren't aware of, layers of pipedream, so to speak. seek solice in things you know and trust. set your feet down again before trying to step forward. survive, and press on, child. 031014 ... monadh wish i had words *leaves a hug* 031014 ... stork daddy eat something really spicy. it might distract you. 031014 ... pipedream that sounds like it makes sense, blah-ze..yeah, it does.. and i shall give the spicies a whirl too *smile* thanks, monadh- *tucks the hug under her arm* 031014 ... blah-ze if you have any more problems, step into the blather_psycologists_office... im sure i can get my practitioners license back... 031015 ... once again I know what it's like to scream and throw things to lash out, but once, i lost something and I did nothing. I sat and took a deep breath waiting for the tears. But nothing happened. I was more lost in that moment then any other, before or since. And it hurt rigth about my stomach a sharp ache that refused to go away. I'm not going to tell you it will get better, although it may. Because I didn't want to hear it, maybe you do. But in any case, I want you to know that there are people who care, will always care, I'm sorry. 031015 ... pipedream makes me feel less weirded out, that really does. good, this isn't some atypical me-ness. cant speak any more, but im reading all of this. thank you for everything, everyone. its helping in ways you cannot imagine. 031015 ... pipedream *tucks monadh's hug under her chin and studies her sparkly pink toes* 031015 ... nom hehe i didn't realize i was sparkling! *sparkle sparkle* 031016 ... pipedream hahahhahah i meant MINE, but you can sparkle too :) 031016 ... nom haha it's the infectious sparkles getting to me amazed by pipedreams sparklyness 031016 ... pipedream the sparkles are always infectious *scary music* sparkles have a life of their own...lately i haven't been too sparkly but its strange, the sparkles have kind of shaken themselves off and said well now, you can be not-happy all you want, but we're kind of going to shake the dust off now if you don't mind...so i'm living a parallel existence with the sparkles and the shadows. but we can sparkle anyway. i've always wanted pixie dust...then i could fly for real. 031017 ... celestias shadow maybe the sparkliness will come back soon. listen, pd, you are the closest thing to a kindred spirit i've found here on blather. sometimes i think i've written something and i'm surprised to see your name at the bottom instead of mine. i understand if you don't really want to talk about whatever happened. i also understand about non-feeling. sometimes when something terrible happens, all i can do is sit on my bed and look at the wall. i can't cry even if i try. the worst is when this happens and something bad hasn't even happened. but that's irrelevant to you. in any case, just remember this- you are a special and beautiful soul. i don't know what happened, but it will pass and you should never have to feel like this again. i hope for your sake that you never do. *much love and hugs from a fellow blatherskite with a similar affliction* 031025 ... niska you know, everyone's heart has been bruised. at least once, if not several times... the first time i felt numb at something that should ilicet a reaction totally took me by surprise - it opened me up to an entirely new existence. my father and i fight constantly - probably beacuse he just enjoys a good fight. i just get tired. there was nothing there - no urge to win, no need to defend or even rationalize. i just decided this was a useless wate of the scant time we have together. we still fight, but i really don't let myself get so inflamed by him. the point is, when you have a realization that this is not the end of the world, despite a circumstance that is unfavorable at best, there's a part of you that has matured. you are at a point in your life where you realize that you are not the reason things happen the way they do. you don't have to feel sad - you already know there are factors involved which you do not control. of course it hurts, for a while - everything does... but you know it will get better and your soul knows already not to tire itself with wasted emotion, as the days will pass, things will move forward and everything else is just something to experience along the way. this, i believe, is the only way we can grow. i hope you're feeling better today, pipedream. 031025 ... pipedream today i *am* feeling better. it fluctuates. some days i get tired of the effort i'm making to stay buoyant. some days i wake up gloria gaynor personified. some days i just wake up. i'm staring at the wall everything around me has become. i will be all right. i know i will. its just that...arrgh, the more i talk about it the triter i sound and yet im tired of the inner monologue going on. leaning on yourself can be quite a headache. but thank you all for your support; your words keep my hope sparkles glowing. words are the only things i can count on, writing the only means i have that allows me to be myself. words set me free, they hide me, they tantalise and kill me (this must be love). words have always been my solace and through them, you all. this all means so much to me, you have no idea. 031026 ... ashmanzhou the solution to thou problem is easy let thyself feel like thou doth practice a snarl in the mirror turn thy visage fearsome when thou doth feel like it make everyone keep their backward step and thou wilt feel better and if there is nothing to make thou feel sit and wait and watch the world slide by 031027 ... niska pipedream: we've all stared at the wall. i don't think we'd be here if we hadn't. there's always a voice inside that wants more. your being has to listen and make it so, sweetie. 031205 ... pipedream just like that little train...if i think i can, it will happen.. :) i think that this is good in a way; hopefully i should end up with some more depth to my writing. someone once told me you can't write if you haven't lived properly, and this goes with the package. i persist in keeping my eyes on any silver lining i can find; i refuse to sink and i'm scads better now for the effort. thank you for your words, niska. i am once more touched by the generosity i keep finding here. 031205 ... niska pd, i think you can't compare writing with living. beacause you have too much time to be alive, and only so much of that to spend writing. the amount of life that leads you to any place in your writing, is really just as far as you got. and it's good enough. because wherever you go, there you are. 040220 ... pipers i don't think i for one could ever give a segment of my life to anything...writing is like breathing, eating, sleeping. its an undercurrent to my life, and one feeds on the other. if i can't explain myself, am i real? 040221 ... Death of a Rose You always have my arms to hug you my pillow. Be strong wifey of my heart. 040221 what's it to you? who go blather from