how_does_it_make_you_feel jane i am feeling very warm right now please don't disappear i am spacing out with you you are the most beautiful entity that i've ever dreamed of at night i will protect you in your dreams i will be your angel you worry so much about not having enough time together it makes no difference to me i would be happy with just one minute in your arms let's have an extended play together you're telling me that we live too far to love each other but your love can stretch further than you and i can see so how does it make you feel? how does it make you feel? do you know when you look at me it is a salvation i've been waiting for you so long i can drive on that road forever i wish you could exist to live on my planet well it's very hard for me to say these things in your presence so how does it make you feel? how does it make you feel? so how does it make you feel? well, i really think you should quit smoking [ air ] 031110 ... deathtobroadwayshows when you say things that i interpret as flirting or have i forgotten the set of signals/rituals used in this dance? 031110 ... shroud so how does it make you feel right now? i am waiting here, forever here, right now give me something, i need a friend now but i know you're never coming back i am alive, i am awake, i see you i can even sense you trying to avoid my stares, that hated gaze to escape my eyes and run away so just how does it make you feel? when i am here you shrivel up you'd rather suffer in silent thought then let me give you hope 031111 ... uow i get so wrapped up in myself my mother says i seem to hate her i don't understand my life i don't get the past i can't breathe sometimes i get so wrapped up in myself people i love so people i hurt so people are better off to stay clear i can't breathe sometimes i don't understand myself i don't get it and i wonder how it makes you feel the world out there this world in here i get so wrapped up in myself i forget to forget myself 040912 ... jezzy It makes me feel fuzzy and dreamy, I want him more with each passing secomd. 040912 ... Syrope i feel fine. i'm not ecstatic or depressed, just...content. i don't know if it's just cause exams are over, cause i didn't really do as well as i'd wanted in anything (even the A+ on my record for technical writing says nothing about how many times i failed my own standards for that class this semester). part of me thinks it's just a psychological regression to how terrible the LAST exam period was. plus, relief at this point would mean things were winding down, when really i'm probably going to work harder at this new job than i have at any of the 5 assorted jobs i've had this year. i don't think it's cause i got to spend time with my boyfriend today, cause even though he's the best thing that's ever happened to me, usually after he leaves i'm alone with the demons in my head again. but i've been fine since he left tonight. maybe the bastards are taking a break. god knows they've been working hard the past few weeks. it's really odd how...in the book i'm reading: this woman has mild anxiety attacks, like she can't go certain places without getting really upset and paranoid, and she turns down being with more than a handful of certain people out of a completely irrational fear...and as things in her life started looking up, the attacks got worse. she was moving up in work, she had a fantastic boyfriend and a great place to live...and it's something i've heard of before: the whole..."my life is going too smoothly...something terrible has to happen any minute now *panic*" so i was like "hey...sounds like the weird shit that's been going on in MY brain lately"...and then i read on about how she took so much valium just to be able to cope with the everyday world & stuff, and i find that really sad. i hate the idea of taking medication just to function. THEN the book starts talking about how she decided she didn't want to be on valium any more, and she mistakenly trusted this doctor who told her to go off it cold. and the withdrawl she goes through is terrible...but what i've been going through is more like her withdrawal symptoms than what she had before the valium - that's what's so odd. the whole itching and burning and restlessness. random outbursts of tears and memories floating up from nowhere. physically *not* being able to be around other people...how do you tell someone that being in the room with them is making you nauseous?, and nightmares and shakiness and suddenly pushing people away that you know you can't live without. mind you, the poor woman had these things 24/7, and i only get short bursts every few days, with the frequency & intensity increasing drastically with stress (as expected), but it's the weirdest feeling. anytime i'm not in the throes of some sort of attack i'm convinced it's all in my head, like i was brought up to believe about mental illness. but then at my worst points i'm no one that i'd expect any of you to recognize. i've always been the first to admit i'm fucked up, but damn. i'm hoping it's some sort of regression like i was speculating earlier, maybe with a little SAD thrown in. and talking about this is just like talking about my childhood to people. you just look overlydramatic when you recoil in horror...i'm not telling you anything to shock you, i'm just telling you what happened so maybe you'll understand why i am the way i am now. it's not like i knew some other way forever and then suddenly things changed and were bad. my mother didn't start out all perfect & loving and then decide to become abusive and manipulative. and dad didn't start out sticking up for me and then give up or anything. the way things are is just... how it is, how it has been...and i'm used to it. but i don't always understand everything about it so i *would* like to muse over it with people, but not if it's going to disturb them to some horrible degree. so, things are bad now, but i'm not trying to kill myself, i'm not trying to physically damage myself in any way, i'm just at the mercy of a constantly-changing chemical-controlled blob of gray matter like everyone else is. honestly i think what my brain's doing to me now isn't as bad as what i used to do to my body. escaping my hometown slathered on some protective layer of happiness. i was so proud of myself even if i was only the valedictorian of idiots. i felt like i was making some statement to my family and to the people who'd known me too long to let me go. i went anyway. and i haven't been as unhappy since. ever. so what i'm going through now freaks me out, but it doesn't *worry* me...i guess. it's like a train wreck i can't stop looking at but, yet, at the same time, i don't know anyone who takes a train anywhere, so i'm not concerned, just morbidly fascinated. this is the first time what i've felt has been...specific. and in any sort of pattern. i'm not one way all the time, and the fact that i can easily bounce around moods so quickly is actually sort of interesting. so now that my childhood is over, i can talk about it and not get upset and when i'm not having some sort of breakdown, i can analyze the breakdowns i have had and be fine with it. i don't know if this is me rambling for my own benefit or a "how to tiptoe around the crazy girl" but i'm pretty sure i've stopped making sense...so back to the musings :) so, i mean, it's not like things are even that great...i'm not sure where i am with my money situation right now, the parents are coming tomorrow and i absolutely hate having to remove traces of a boyfriend from the room. i feel like i'm neglecting people that i didn't know needed my attention. i just sort of go about my business, and if you decide to have some sort of new feeling in the middle, and you don't tell me about it, well...sorry. i'm not gonna notice. so... for whatever reason, i'm not tired. right as i decided i should try to sleep anyway, i just took both hands and raked everything from my shelves into the floor and put it all back in a much better setup. i've decided to get rid of a lot of decorative stuff that just clutters the place. i cleaned off my desk. i need to clean out my closet but that will wait til the parents have come and gone. i have bags of trash everywhere, and theres still a lot in the floor. i need to organize my harddrive. cleaning makes me feel good, so i'm gonna go do some more of that. 041215 ... Bespeckled To suspect what I am doing, knowing very well that your suspicions are correct? Perhaps you just push it our of your mind. Perhaps you're doing the same yourself. I don't want to be hurtful; I'm just curious. Please don't answer. 041215 ... pSyche how does it make you feel when you realize your perfect future was but a dream? 041216 ... kung Fu well, it's still a dream and i like dreams. anyone want to come on holiday to the moon ? choke, yeah right ! excwuse me but i am bord, when does play time start ? i'm sick and tired of just my ideas, i want to work with someone to see them become real. anyone free for some fun? anyone anyone at all? how about ping pong then? is that a lot to ask ? take out my bordom out for a walk maybe. 070814 ... Arwyn it doesn't. I still feel empty. 070814 ... Light alone 080709 ... poet like a gerbil running in a wheel 080711 ... birdmad (oblique) blue_monday 080711 ... SleepieCloud if not happie, strong. If not satisfied, smug. They seem to be mutually exclusive at the moment. What I wouldn't give to change that. 080711 what's it to you? who go blather from