cinder_block_rapist johnny west A Profane, Controversial Fairy Tale for Fucked Up People Like Myself AN ATTRACTIVE YOUNG WOMAN IS SCOOPING UP SHIT ON THE FRONT LAWN OF SOME NONDESCRIPT HOUSE. SHE LOOKS HOWEVER YOU WANT HER TO LOOK. CINDY: (SCOOPING UP SHIT) Hey. M’name’s Cindy. Well, really it’s Cinder Block Rapist, but my parents thought I’d get picked on less by kids my age if they called me something normal like Cindy. So I was abbreviated. My mom and dad were killed when I was 12 by some schizophrenic drug dealer who sold them rancid banana bread, so now I live with my Uncle Gonad. He’s mean and ugly, and makes me clean up “dog shit”. Haha…it’s really his shit; he likes to squat and do it outside. He’s got two daughters, Sordia and Aghastha. They’re meaner and uglier than he is. My life sucks shit. UNCLE GONAD: (SCREAMING FROM THE PORCH) Get your fuckin ass in here and wash my daughters! CINDY: (SIGHING) Coming, Uncle Gonad. SHE WALKS WITH SLUMPED SHOULDERS INTO THE HOUSE, A BAG OF SHIT IN HER HANDS. SHE PLACES THE SHIT IN THE KITCHEN, THEN MAKES HER WAY TO THE BATHROOM. SORDIA and AGASTHA: Wash us, you whore! CINDY: Actually, I’ve never experienced sexual intercourse or anything even remotely similar. So calling me a whore doesn’t really ring true. SORDIA and AGASTHA: Shut up, whore! Wash us! CINDY: As you wish, impudent sluts. SHE WASHES THEM. CUT TO CINDY’S BEDROOM. CINDY: Yeah, this is my space. I’ve got just enough room to lie down on this busted cot, and maybe take two or three steps in whichever direction I desire. Not exactly ideal living conditions, but I don’t see how I could do any better. Wait a sec…they treat me like shit, order me around like a slave, feed me hideous “food” and repay me by throwing me in a six foot square hellhole and calling me a whore? This is shit! I could definitely do better on my own. SHE CLIMBS THROUGH THE BROKEN WINDOW IN HER ROOM AND WALKS AIMLESSLY THROUGH THE NIGHT, UNTIL SHE COLLAPSES FROM EXHAUSTION AND FALLS ASLEEP IN A LARGE GRASSY AREA. UPON WAKING, SHE SPOTS SOME CREEPY-LOOKING OLD GUY CHECKING OUT HER FIGURE. CINDY: (STARTLED) Who are you?! And why are you staring at my ass?! FRIGGY: I’m your homosexual grandfather! But you can call me Friggy, if you like. CINDY: But, if you’re homosexual, why are you looking at me like you want to lick me from head to toe? FRIGGY: Your guess is as good as mine. I’ve never quite understood how I got tagged with this whole “homosexual” label. But you’re much too young and attractive for me. I like my ladies old and icky-looking. CINDY: Fair enough. So what do you want? FRIGGY: To help you! You’ve quite obviously left home, with only that revealing night gown to call your own. You’ll need clothes, cash, a place to crash… CINDY: So what do you suggest? FRIGGY: Be my whore. I’ll treat you right, you’ll get some action…and you KNOW you want some action! Who cares if you know the guys or not? I’ll pay you real well, and you can stay at my place. CINDY: Um…let me just consider that for a moment before deciding. FRIGGY: Sure. Take your time. CINDY ASSUMES A FALSELY-PENSIVE STATE BEFORE KICKING HER HOMOSEXUAL GRANDFATHER IN THE TESTICLES. FRIGGY: (FALLING TO HIS KNEES) Gaaaaa! It hurts so good! ENTER JOHN MELLENCAMP. JOHN MELLENCAMP: Hey, asshole! You’ve just violated some copyright laws! It’s one thing when you stick my song in a ketchup commercial with my permission, but it’s quite different when you quote the lyrics to that very same song in a perverse fairy tale---without my permission! FRIGGY: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it? Huh? JOHN MELLENCAMP BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF FRIGGY WHILE CINDY RUNS AWAY. CINDY: (RUNNING AND PANTING) What the fuck’s going on?! I just want a hot guy to take me in and make me dinner! Is that too much to ask? ENTER HOT GUY, WHOM CINDY ACCIDENTALLY RUNS INTO. HOT GUY: (STEADYING CINDY) Whoa…be careful. What are you running from? CINDY: My homosexual grandfather, who’s currently getting the shit kicked out of him by John Cougar Mellencamp. Also, my Uncle Gonad and his hideous daughters. HOT GUY: …Okay. CINDY: But never mind that. Can you cook? HOT GUY: Mm-hmm. CINDY: Please take me to your home! HOT GUY: Sure thing. THEY WALK TO HOT GUY’S APARTMENT COMPLEX. ONCE INSIDE, CINDY TAKES A SHOWER, DONS ONE OF HOT GUY’S LONG-SLEEVED SHIRTS AND A PAIR OF HIS JEANS, AND SITS DOWN TO HER FIRST REAL MEAL IN…WELL, A HELL OF A LONG TIME. CINDY: This is delicious! Where did you learn to cook like this? HOT GUY: I taught myself, mostly. I’ve always been pretty self-reliant. There was a girl in my life for a while who taught me some of the fundamentals, but she fucked my entire family before we even touched tongues. We weren’t kissing when we touched tongues, either. CINDY: So you’re...single? HOT GUY: Uh-huh. You? CINDY: Yeah. Always have been. HOT GUY: Really? That’s surprising. I mean, from what I can tell having only known you for the past two hours, you’re everything I’d look for in a woman. Intelligent, quick-witted, articulate, funny, considerate…not to mention the fact that you’re pretty damn nice-looking. CINDY: Well…thanks! In the same ways, you seem to be everything I’d be looking for in a guy. Where the hell have you been for the past however many years I’ve been single? HOT GUY: Los Angeles, mostly, running an ill-fated restaurant and trying to hide my disgust for the stupidity of most of the human race, with spotty results. You? CINDY: Lived with my parents for a while in Denver. When they died, I was shipped off to some shithole to live with my Uncle and his daughters. That’s where I’ve been, serving them night and day. HOT GUY: And where the hell are we now? CINDY: Who fucking cares? We’ve found one another! Isn’t that all that matters? HOT GUY: It would seem so. So where would you like it to go from here? Our relationship, I mean. CINDY: Um…how about all the good stuff that most couples do? HOT GUY: Works for me. THEY GO TO IT. FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS, THEY DO ALL THE GOOD STUFF MOST COUPLES DO, AS WELL AS SOME THINGS MOST COUPLES WOULD NEVER BE DARING ENOUGH TO TRY, LIKE…NO, THAT’S WAY TOO DIRTY. SORRY. ANYWAY, EVERYTHING’S GREAT, CINDY’S LIVING WITH HOT GUY IN HIS APARTMENT, AND THEY LOOK SET TO HAVE A LONG, SEXY RELATIONSHIP UNTIL… ONE DAY IN THE APARTMENT, UNCLE GONAD SHOWS UP WITH FRIGGY. UNCLE GONAD: Greetings, Cindy! I had your homosexual grandfather track you down here. Now get your ass back home and wash my fucking daughters! Wait a minute…what are you doing wearing normal clothes? Wha…uh…guh… CINDY: I’m not going anywhere with you. I’ve fallen in love with this hot guy, and I’m living with him. Fuck off! FRIGGY: You might wanna heed her wishes, Goney. She packs a mean kick. Paralysed half my dick with that last one, she did. UNCLE GONAD: How sad for you. (KICKS FRIGGY IN THE NUTS) There. I hope that takes care of the other half. Now move your ass on outta here, Cindy! I got shit that’s been piling up since you ran off that needs to be tended to! EXIT FRIGGY, HOBBLING ALONG IN AGONY. ENTER HOT GUY. HOT GUY: You heard what she said. Fuck off. UNCLE GONAD: Ooh! Am I supposed to be scared of the sexy man you love? I am scared! I just shit my pants! Unfortunately, while all of that was said in a sarcastic manner, I really did just shit my pants. My digestive system really has deteriorated as of late. But I digress. I’d be willing to bet that this sexy guy wouldn’t wanna touch you if he knew your full name! CINDY: No! You wouldn’t do that to me! HOT GUY: Chill, Cindy. It can’t be all that bad. Besides, I love you for who you are. Your name doesn’t mean dick to me. What is it? UNCLE GONAD: Cinder Block Rapist! Ha! Get a load of that! HOT GUY FAINTS. CINDY: Nooooooooooooooo!!! UNCLE GONAD: Come on, now. You’ll come home, scoop up some shit, wash your cousins…everything’ll work out fine. CINDY: But I love him! And he’s an amazing cook, and incredible in bed, too! UNCLE GONAD: Christ Jesus. You ain’t a virgin no more?! Fuck! I was gonna be the one to deflower you! And I lost my manhood to…that unconscious thing there?! (FALLS TO THE FLOOR, SOBBING IN DEFEAT) CINDY SMACKS HOT GUY ACROSS THE FACE AS HARD AS SHE CAN. HOT GUY: Fuck! That hurt! CINDY: So do you still love me? HOT GUY: What the hell kind of a question is that? Of course I do! Your name doesn’t bother me. Actually, it kinda turns me on…(SMILING WICKEDLY) CINDY: What made you faint, then? HOT GUY: Your Uncle Gonad, once I got a closer look at him. He used to be a regular in my restaurant. Always hit on young chicks, and I caught him humping the fire escape more than once. I don’t know why, but seeing him again somehow made me faint. That’s odd. CINDY: Well, now that you’ve regained consciousness, would you help me kill him? HOT GUY: I don’t think that’s necessary. Just look at him. UNCLE GONAD: (STILL SOBBING) Stay with your fuckin maaaaan! Fuck your uncle! I’ll just crawl away crying and get hit by some speeding police cruiser! (HE DOES) CINDY: That’s a relief. So what now? HOT GUY: Good question. We could have the crowd-pleasing happy ending, wherein you and I get on with the sexiness. Or, there could be some kind of nasty twist, disappointing all of the sentimental heart-throbs reading this. What do you think? CINDY: I can’t decide. ENTER JOHN MELLENCAMP. AGAIN. HOT GUY: What’s your take on it, John? JOHN MELLENCAMP: Uh…how about I throw you off your balcony and steal your girlfriend? HOT GUY: That sound okay to you, Cindy? CINDY: Well…I always have had a thing for Johnny Cougar. JOHN MELLENCAMP: Hey! It’s John Mellencamp, goddamnit! Fucking publicity shit early in my career hyped that stupid fucking Cougar shit. CINDY: Sorry. My bad. JOHN MELLENCAMP: No biggy. So…you wanna do this? HOT GUY: Alright. It was great loving you, Cindy. CINDY: Great loving you, Hot Guy. Say…what’s your name, anyway? HOT GUY: I never even thought to tell you! How warped is that? I’m sorry. It’s… HE IS INTERRUPTED BY JOHN MELLENCAMP RUNNING INTO HIM AND HURLING HIM OFF OF HIS BALCONY AND ONTO THE GROUND BELOW. HE MAKES A NICE MESS WHEN HE TOUCHES DOWN. JOHN MELLENCAMP: Ouch. Shame to see such a good-looking fella go to waste like that. CINDY: Too bad I never got his name. Oh well. You wanna take a shower? JOHN MELLENCAMP: Hell yeah! THEY RUN INTO THE BATHROOM AND GET SEXY. AND THERE YOU HAVE IT. ---THE END--- 010812 ... ib my goodness 030716 ... unhinged . (blather_old_school) 151106 what's it to you? who go blather from