anne-girl passing by a group of people (slightly younger than me, I guess) "hanging out" by the drink machines
one mutters something "goes to our school... always wondered
-I've always wondered if you were a guy or a girl
eh? really? heh.
-yeah. So, what are you?
-oh, shit
--idiot, I knew that
-You know, you kind of remind me of michael jackson
Thanks. (shudder)
-You're welcome
walk away
(conversation continues... I really always wondered... was never sure...)

pigeon when i was younger no one could tell if i was a boy or a girl. i always had short hair cuts, and kept to myself... it wasn't until i started to grow boobs that strangers stopped mistaking me for a boy. 040808
anne-girl it effing happened again

standing around, talking to a group of second-year guys
"hey, you look like (point) him. Got the hair, the glasses, the boots... Any more parallels with our class?"

hates being referred to as "that guy"
anne-girl looking at my screen, "yeah, he has the same graph"
ah, i suppose I could rectify it
anne-girl need to stop chronicling this -

was standing around with some friends, holding some fries, random_guy grabbed some and ate them

ignored him, didn't feel particularly confrontational, then he asked what my name was, he repeats it disbelievingly

my friend later said I shoulda hit him or something for double offense of stealing my fries and confusing my gender
it's funny, I guess

anne-girl hehe
it so happened again... i got gypped, my lost id card so could have been in the female lost id card pile
or not, you know

so laughs
androgynous girl more than five times last sunday... "so, this is your son?", they ask my mom... daughter... daughter...

and twice walking the five blocks home from the bus stop - a parental friend says "so, you're her...", pauses, I fill in daughter. She says ah... i didn't think she had two sons, and i knew you weren't the other one...

and then some bratty kids yelled after me "ARE YOU A GUY OR A GIRL???" a few blocks later... i laughed, loudly

i've begun to assume that people think i'm a guy when i first meet them - it's just what happens. I don't care, though - not anymore... it's my fault i look like a guy, why should i blame anyone else? {people ask me why i don't mind, why i laugh... i reply that it's funny... my humanities teacher still thinks I'm a guy, i think}

doesn't mind
thorn i remember when i was little, everyone used to think i was a boy, because i had really short hair always wore pants instead of skirts or whatever. and actually, looking at some of the pictures, i did look like a boy. it's kind of strange. 050510
just a kid ::hiccups loudly
-- is he ok?
friends: er... yes /he's/ ok
friend: you should tell him...
:: naah...
(time passes)
:: here's my form, sir
-- [looking at name] that can't be you...
:: yes, yes it is. Heh.
-- ah... sorry about that
:: that's ok...
the varied desires of mad birds sometimes, deep down, i think my attraction to somewhat androgynous women may be some small bit of as-yet-unresolved gay/bi curiosity

the whole small-breasts/short-haircut thing

i dunno.

and it may well be true, though i've never seen a masculine or androgynous man who inspired anything more than a passing moment of shallow curiosity

oldephebe i remember in 9th grade going to this costume party, one of my sisters thought it'd be funny if i slapped a wig on and one of her went with my buddy and i think he was in one of his mom's dresses and a crappy wig as well...and uhh..this kid about my age tried to pick me up..kept asking me to dance and i had to tell him several times that i was a dude...he kept saying are you sure?

when i tried to ask a few young ladies to dance they thought i was a chick trying to hit on them...very very make up or i figured i looked some dorky guy dressed as a caricature of a woman...

and more times than i'd like to admit...several lesbians came on to me saying i don't know what it is about you but i'm not usually attracted to men..these were the lipstick lesbians not the uber male ones...

oldephebe dam bird you actually came out and said it

what if its just an aesthetic that you prefer? you know?

maybe it's just some ripple,
of a memory like the first time she unfolded her wings, the first time you touched her naked, the first time you kissed her in the dimple of her clavicle, the first time you grazed her lovely ivory crane neck, the time you heard her soul, her passion rumble in her throat, dark like a waterfall spilling from a cello, maybe it's the gratitude, the splendor in those eyes for you and only you because it's the first time someone saw gold in her lovely alabaster wings, such unfolded glory, maybe her short hair, her dancing black eyes, her dusting of freckles, her long legs gently bowed and maybe her knees had this way of endearingly brushing against one another as she walked and something in that, in her effulgence, in her quiet unnoticed glory made something rumble and scream in your core, undulate in your flattened belly, and maybe a thousand sparrows burst from your chest or danced in your stomach, maybe some sweet moist fever fell upon you every time you saw her or heard her, and you were like, how come the rest of the world doesn't see this? how come they can't see her? and then nothing no darkness, no winter snow beating against the windows, no time away or spike of mood or argument or anything could make the light crumble into darkening folds of night, no matter how bad a day the two of you may have had, and then something selfish in you says
i'm glad they can't see her yet
for when they do
she might forget the first time
we touched naked
the first time i kissed her there
the first time
i felt the river
insdie of her thawing
the first time
her eyes went wide
in wordless scream
the first time we shared and roamed amongst the pockets and rocky highlands of dream and wakefullness
a total spilling into one another
minds touching
the first time you looked into her half closed eyes and never wanted or worshipped anything more
as your lightly brushed against those lids, like kissing petals, flowers
they opened and you never wanted the moment to end
can i just be right here with you
right her in this unbroken moment of perfect beauty?
seh was no more the stone flower melting into grief
you were no more
the aloof and bookish
mute in your endless day of storm
no one heard the music singing in your soul
no one heard the arias
the cadenzas
the oratorios
piling up from the ground into the sky
like a white night blazing as you stared off into space, your eyes wet with wonder
and then
there she was
this treasured friend
holding a flame

yeah so sometimes beauty is just beauty
a different kind of beauty
but you can't help being no less thunder struck by it
you know?
and the memory of it
never crumbles into moaning eddies of time or age or forgetfulness or you know just carrying so much shit around, so much shit gets added to the trumpery -the whole cumulative albatross
of what? this existential and unblinking sentient prison we call life?
so you awake, in those first few seconds of that euphoric buzz still hugged by sleep and you remember
what it was like to hold that kind of quietly incandescent beauty, body and soul and mind in the hollow of your hands mouth heart and miss it and you wring the anguish from your being, or you try, god i miss
god it was just a fucking dream
some pang of yester year quietly stabbing you in the rapture of sleep and then rupturing you in the cold icy glare of daylight, or graylight
so you slowly
reconstitute yourself
a silent tower
to walk the empty streets
and no parting word
no echo of her spirt
is a consolation
so you watch the words
treble down to dust
to dirty glitter
and then finally
into nothing
anne so maybe




Tony I consider myself androgynous, because whenever I let my hair grow, people often mistake me for a woman. Also, when I crossdress, I look dead sexy, and can easily pass as one. 061105
misstree there's something too muddled, too grey about androgyny for me to properly apply it to myself. my Being is better characterized by hermaphrodite, not some middle ground but yes and yes, both, vehemently. cleavage spilling out of a dress raised so a boy can suck a strap on. i dance all over the scale, with both of my feet and a few other limbs besides. 061109
Zwieback tree, i would totally suck your plastic dick. but then i'd desire to enter you with the real thing. 061109
androgyne tree,

I want you.
anne-girl i am working on giving up on this gender bullshit.
people stumble and trip over pronouns, and I don't usually help them up

i'll agree with whatever they suggest.
anne-girl genderfuck is hot
i am muddled & uncertain androgyny, not passing as much
Otto Xref Gender_Neutral 080721
lunatic jesus are_you_a_guy_or_girl? 080721
what's it to you?
who go