things_you_should_never_say_during_sex 2 1/2 wise cracks But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me up for that? Did I mention the video camera? Do you smell something burning? (To be said in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead... Try breathing through your nose. A little rug burn never hurt anyone! Is that a Medic-Alert pendant? Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? But whipped cream makes me break out... Person 1: This is your first time..right? Person 2: Yeah...Today... (In the No-Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the hour! Can you please pass me the remote control? Do you accept Visa? ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ On second thought, let's turn off the lights. And to think I was really trying to pick up your friend! So much for mouth-to-mouth. (To be said while using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay? Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... (To be said while holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! Do you get any premium movie channels? Try not to smear my make-up, okay? (To be said while preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch! Got any penicillin? But I just brushed my teeth... Smile, you're on Candid Camera! I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! I want a baby! So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! (To be said while in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work? Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth... Did you know the ceiling needs painting? I think you have it on backwards. When is this supposed to feel good? Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! You're good enough to do this for a living! Is that blood on the headboard? Did I remember to take my pill? Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? I wish we got the Playboy channel... That leak better be from the waterbed! I *told* you it wouldn't work without batteries! But my cat always sleeps on that pillow! Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.. No, really...I do this part better myself! It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! This would be more fun with a few more people. You're almost as good as my ex! Do you know the definition of statutory rape? Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? You look younger than you feel. P Perhaps you're just out of practice. You sweat more than a galloping stallion! They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. Now I know why he/she dumped you... Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. What tampon? Have you ever considered liposuction? And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! What are you planning to make for breakfast? I have a confession... I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! Are those real or am I just behind the times? Were you by any chance repressed as a child? Is that a hanging sculpture? You'll still vote for me, won't you? Did I mention my transsexual operation? I really hate women who actually think sex means something! I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about... A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! Does this count as a date? Oprah had a show about men like you! Hic! I need another beer for this, please. I think biting is romantic, don't you? When would you like to meet my parents? Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"? Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed. (To be said while in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls? I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light? Don't worry, my dog's really friendly...for a Doberman. Sorry, but I don't do toes! You could at least act like you're enjoying it! Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said no! Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper... I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer". So that's why they call you Mr. Flash! My old girlfriend used to do it a lot longer! Is this a sin too? I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? Long kisses clog my sinuses... Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise... How long do you plan to be "almost there"? You mean you're not my blind date? 010209 ... kx21 If you don't mind, it doesn't matter... 010209 ... pathwrat so we're married now, right? oh, were you finished? you fuck like my sister! (brother, mother, uncle joe, you get the idea.) oh! daddy! (if you are male, oh! mama! if you are a girl.) can you make that "goat noise" again? i think it's really cool when a (girl/guy) doesn't feel (s)he has to conform to our society's standards of what is traditionally considered "beautiful" or "sexy" or "hygenic." now let us bow our heads in prayer, and beg for forgiveness for this horrible, horrible sin. sign here please. did you see this article in the wall street journal? man I am going to KILL my analyst! Mr Twiddles would like it better if you'd move a little to the left please. Woudn't you, Mister Twiddles? Yes You Would! Yes You Would! Who's daddy's Widdle boy? Huh? Can we play Scrabble after this? THAT does NOT belong in someone else's MOUTH! (Apologies to COLDandBLUEkitty.) 010210 ... dB Oh! So that's where I left my keys! 010211 ... dB Um... now it's my turn to have a headache. 010211 ... ... Wouldn't this be way better in zero-gravity 010211 ... retartedkidnameddamian oops 010325 ... psychobabe LMFAO! LMFAO! LMFAO! DUDE HAHA! 010513 ... cali j saying nothing...if its like that..then fugetaboutit! 010513 ... /// "so u like the small ones" it was in reference to the size of the hole in my boxers 010513 ... cali j In ref. to above....including unintelligible noises........ 010515 ... not all there (just when she's about to peak) Break out in histerical laughter! they love that! 010516 ... still not there do you realize the hole in the ozone is getting bigger every day? 010516 ... silentbob oh, this is so worth the twelve bucks i'm paying your brother!!! 010516 ... lost to much testosterone surging through body. must leave this page. 010516 ... Pink Paint you can tell how dirty this page is getting, I'm leaving too thnk you and good night. 010518 ... TinKa Now get the hell out of my bed. 010524 ... Katie Rose I'm pregnant. And it's not yours. 011024 ... Aimee oooopsies! 011024 ... Dafremen Cam you catch muh teef? Dey just pell out. 011024 ... Norm (just when she's about to peak) Break out in histerical laughter! they love that! I'm gonna do that this weekend. Its gonna be so funny. 011024 ... unhinged it's better if you just don't say anything at all 011024 ... silentbob AIDS VIRUS, SHMAIDS VIRUS! 011024 ... Casey Kinda reminds me of a dump truck backing up But honey, sheep are fun Will I get lost in there? Should I take a map and a compass? Let's try some sex toys, here is a paper bag to put over your head. Boy, if you make love like you drive, then we are going to end up crashing and burning. I brought the gas mask and clothes pins this time. Now I'm going to take the tug boat to tuna town. Get ready to ride the baloney pony baby. I think I'm going to need a crowbar. Hold on, let me call my mother and make sure I'm doing this right. 011024 ... flo If you are good and don't make any noise i won't kill you afterwards. 011025 ... Inanna Laugh and(don't) say, "Look at that cute little thing. It is sooooo small!" 011025 ... dB Look at the silly monkey. 011026 ... Norm (just when she's about to peak) Break out in histerical laughter! they love that! I did that after and she didn't seem to mind. I don't even think she noticed. I was disappointed. 011027 ... buddyp Dooh (in homer tone) That's gonna leave a mark 011028 ... Devious1 My goodness dear if I was made of steel and you lined with the same, I could sound the dinner bell. For the love of god woman quit buying those damn monsterous toys. disclamer:any statememnts made here are for entertainment purposes only. Cause ya know for a damn fact the energizer bunny and those duracell toys would have my butt in a lawsuit if this influenced purchase decline :0) 011028 ... ClairE someone else's name Unless they're into that. 011126 ... Tjousk moo 011214 ... Fli Is it in? 011214 ... x_marajade_x thats not quite what i was expecting...but, ok...whatever dear, where did you put that penis enlarger? you forgot your viagra didnt you....-_-; 'AHHH, AHH!! No, really that hurts!! Stop it!!' 'Ok, I'm done now, you can stop.' 'Hold on a minute, I have see if the sausage is done yet.' 'After you're done, just let yourself out, if you lost my number, it's not important' 'Goodbye Mr.Hymen!!' 011214 ... natasha cramp! cramp! 011214 ... Death of a Rose oh shit....sorry i slipped 031112 ... smurfus rex stop in mid-thrust and say... "You don't have any diseases, do you?" :o 031112 ... nomatter This ALWAYS happens. 031112 ... girl_jane While camping: Shit-did you hear that? 031113 ... cntstnd Owww! If this happens something is wrong in wonderland. 040918 ... Syrope if it's all the same to you, i think i'll go back to whoring around k? 040919 ... Matinee Do you Snore? 050416 ... Matinee So How's the family? 050416 ... Freak Your gf's mothers name...especially after it was your gf's first time! 050417 what's it to you? who go blather from