celestias shadow i've lost my faith in all these people that were supposed to be the epitome of coolness and boredom. now i only have myself to rely on for guidance, and i don't think my weak candle, lacking anything close to individuality and traits worthy of love, is enough to light my way in this shadowy world. 031022
niska meh...

i find most people are disappointing by my standards, but really that's my problem - not theirs.
pipedream your candle is as bright as you will it to be, and so far i can see it from way-y-y-y-y over here, so it must be doing *something* right :D
your light will always be enough for you, don't ever let yourself think it isn't good enough, or shiny is. people's opinions are piffle if they make you feel bad.
you are one of the coolest people i know, if that counts for anything :)
krazy have a sense of humor, taking things too seriosuly can be fatal. 031109
marked . 031110
Syrope on more than a daily basis
you think i'd learn

but no
blah-ze people are just that: disappointing, always less then they like to make out to everyone who takes time to look, even themselves. the only people who don't do that just figure there ain't nothing worth looking for.

the hell with looking at other people: look to yourself. the only person actually worth measuring you against.
cupcake but if you only look at yourself then how are you ever going to get better? 031110
lenore i find boyfriends always disappoint me. they seem so wonderful when im dating them but once we break up they act like asses. maybe i just have problems choosing boyfriends. 031110
brain stew its probably just men. men are generally asses. 031110
misstree *creep creep creep*
"Tree! Come in for dinner!"
"But Mooooooom, I was just about to beat the shit out of someone for making asinine generalizations that depreciate one gender or another! And this one didn't even say anything *but* that!"
"No. You can beat on idiots any time you like. Your rump roast is going to get cold, and after all the trouble I went through to skin that mailman for dinner."
"Yes, mommy."
*slinks off*
Syrope i wonder if i disappoint people the way they do me - people are always saying i'm too nice, i'm working myself too hard, i'm putting myself in too many places at once and trying to accommodate too many people...

but really i'm a bitch. so is it better to let them believe these things? that would take not being so nice, not taking so much responsibility, not caring...

i can't do that
daf I have been disappointing you all. There is something that I'm supposed to say. A secret that I'm supposed to reveal, and rather than just OUT with it. I've been hemming and hawing. I'm afraid of ruining what I've spent twenty years building, and name.

Some of you may not think much of it, but there are some who do, who have grown to feel as much respect for my name, as I feel for them, and for you all.

I think I should reveal that secret now, something is screaming at me to do so. But then there's the question of egomania. Will this be seen, not as what it is, a sincere attempt at coming clean, but as a complex of ego spun out of control? I certainly hope not, but that's not mine to decide.

I will no doubt discover who my friends are from this, and who were just along for the ride through their own beliefs and conventions, which they felt they saw reflected in me.

Their admiration and respect were misplaced in that event. I am no more deserving of respect or admiration than anyone and, in fact, probably less deserving than most for the cowardly way in which I've handled this.

Confusion is a primary reason for my deceptive and un-me-like behavior.

I am confused as to what this all means for what I've always known: the sanctity of my sanity, the religion of rationality that has been my chosen way for so long.

This secret and the knowledge that comes with it, I'm afraid, defies all rational explanation.

I'd like to think I'm still a sane and rational guy, and I'm certain that none of the details of this secret are made up, or hallucinated, for I've been very careful to screen my own sanity through trusted friends, and through my family. I've been certain to bring witnesses with me along the way.

No these aren't delusions, nor are they the fantasies of an egomaniac on a quest to glorify himself. (Don't get me wrong, the egomania is there, it's just more a source of shame than anything else these days. A flaw that I am tasked with eradicating. Some days I do better than others.)

Perhaps therein lies my deepest fear:

That this message, this secret, this mission and this task will somehow prove beyond my capacity to handle.

Maybe I just don't feel that I am up to the task spiritually and that I will stop, stare in the mirror and find myself looking at the altar to my own ego instead of the pure, selfless act that this is meant to be, that I am meant to embrace.

Know this people, I love you as few strangers in your lives have been able to. I see your eyes when you walk down the street. I watch you filling the emptiness in your lives with friendly and romantic relationships and material luxuries, purpose, apathy and intent. I've seen and known the searching within you, for I've been trying to fill that hole myself. It is insatiable, this desire, this ego, this loneliness, this wanting to matter somehow. It is unquenchable, at least in the manner in which we've been trying to quench it. Our way doesn't work, period.

The experiment of human freewill used in the pursuit of human desire and ego has been a miserable failure. We have proven only that we are incapable of guiding ourselves. Not that we are incapable of making good choices, simply that choices made based on what we believe we want, are for the most part bad choices. I'm done making bad choices for now. I'm going to TRY to make at least two choices that are RIGHT:

The first is that I will choose TRUTH over what I want for myself and my "good" name.

The second is that I will choose my Creator over the creations of ego and desire.

I'm done disappointing you people, I'm done disappointing myself and I'm done disappointing God.

. you have "luciferic" tendencies. all of us do, to some extent -- and who's to know if we're ultimately good or ultimately just an ego. or, ultimately a cog in the machine.

since you know astrology, i would refer you to the mysteries of your chart, not the bald glaring statements of the sun or a superbly sensitive moon. where are your nodes and pluto?

we're also all subject to taking our truths too literally. you might be ossifying some very abstract or archetypal truths by needing to "reveal" them. just look at history: every prophecy taken too far leads to destruction.

know your truths, certainly. also verse yourself in mystery. i, too, struggle with these things.
Dafremen Perhaps you are right. Perhaps the facts that I will reveal when I've gotten up the nerve will change your mind. Perhaps I'll never get up the nerve and we'll never know. Perhaps your words here will change my perspective. I won't know what the moment holds until it comes. I'm done relying on my expectations as messengers of my coming reality. Let that reality speak for itself when it comes.

You have certainly given much good food for thought here. I will chew slowly.

Thank you.
x what a bunch of nonsense. say what you have to say or shut up. 031111
megan i disappoint me more 031111
ferret in the cloes to 15 years that i have been conscious of my existance, i have learned one important thing. the sheer and complete pointlessness of anger and hatred. It's so sad to watch someone get mad, even when it's myself. I'm trying to do away with such things. I have not claimed to hate anything for at least a year. I have reduced my worries down to nothing except my worry for the well-being of others. i have accepted that i have no true control over my life and that only i can make me truly happy. so i have devoted almost all of my spare time to doing whatever i can for whoever asks. blah, people disappoint me. 031111
krazykat People are disappointing. Yes, that is absolutely correct. Guess what? So are you. Live with it, or dont' think about it at all. Life is disappointing. Life is also beautiful. 031111
daf I've already said it dax. Now I will shut up. You win, love. Finally..after all of these years...victory is yours. 031112
stork daddy he fancies himself a teacher. 031112
daf I'd rather learn, are you willing to teach me? 031112
stork daddy i've got nothing to teach 031112
stork daddy and x...sometimes i really want to wrestle you. 031112
daf then its agreed, we are both students.

And skilled as your are, she'd annihilate you..
shroud but not you, no, never you

i could never see you with those eyes

my thought, only my thought, not eyes

disappoints me as i see you, with her

only, well, never, hell, i know

you love me no more, and only i

disappoint myself, if i call myself one

i should only disappoint you, but you

see me with no eyes, no thought

like you should, oh let us be

forever, though never, apart, fearing my

one last kiss last an age of time
stork daddy sounds fun...i've never been annihilated before. 031113
blah-ze and me most of all 040207
Connecting..the.dots.. but I have high expectations
silly me, really I ought to know better by now.
uyanga Me disappoint people, too. I am a person. I disappoint. I fail at being a mirror, which is the viewer's problem. But I also fail at doing even what I said I'd do, which is more serious. 040620
witchesrequiem Boy do they..I went in a local chat room for my city.... it was one could speak english... it was ebonics, spanglish and all kinds of other nasty shit... what a disgrace. 040621
maxell Free yourself from this. 040715
blah-ze i swear: to be let down by a person is one of the true constants that will always stay throughout humanity

romance, dies

chivalry, dies

but you can always count on fucking something up and making someone else disappointed in you
*in rural Maine accent that does not neccessarily connote cognitive impairment due to incestuous couplings and or CNS deteriorization due to injesting prohibitive amounts of sugar*

*sighs* ayup.
Christ without the cross I love people. They are only disappointing when they open their mouths. 060925
birdmad is eminently satisfied ...but i fully expect them to disappoint me, so in an ironic twist of fate, when people disappoint me, they are actually living up to what i figured would happen, and thereby they fail to disappoint me 060926
australian highrise me too 060926
Christ without the cross expect nothing. Then you won't be disappointed. 060927
what's it to you?
who go