in_simple_language
unhinged you say you want someone to help you but i have enough experience with addiction to know that your subconscious is afraid to be alone with who you are now. i remember when i felt the way you do. desperation and hopelessness overtake you because you just want to be normal and happy but you can't stop. i remember when most of my friends felt the way you do. with my unfortunate experience with these matters, i know you aren't ready for help. you've been rationalizing lately dear; that you should just accept the fact that you need chemicals to be happy. which isn't true, but i remember when i felt the same way you do. you say no one is there to help you. i've wanted to help you from the beginning so that stings a little. but on the other hand, i know i enabled your replacement therapy to get off alcohol. i've seen this scenario so many times and i hate it every time; but you have to realize the real UNDERLYING problem here. no one can help you until you decide that using chemicals to make yourself happy is no longer acceptable. and the reason it isn't acceptable isn't because of what society says about it; it's unacceptable because you really aren't making yourself happy that way. which is something you realize deep under all the dirt which is why you are inherently unhappy about your situation. no therapist or friend in the world will be able to help you, support you, until you believe that life is better clean. but while you are feeding yourself the rationalization that you just need to embrace chemical happiness, i can't help you. unfortunately dear, this is a struggle we will deal with for the rest of our lives. not long before i met you, i had decided again that i needed chemical distraction. i know i seem like a hypocrite in your eyes. but you have to cut off this monster before it gets past alcohol and weed. i push you away because i know i've seen you before i even met you. i know how this will end. i also know that i can't convince you of the advantage of sobriety now or ever. even if i could, it would only be temporary; after i had left the picture you would turn back to it. maybe if we could shift our definition of happiness away from boundless joy, closer to one step away from unhappiness we could be more satisfied.

i know that i can't help you right now. i remember when i felt the way you do. no one could help me. i can't convince you that there is any inherent worth in your existence. that is something you have to do for yourself. that is something you have to find for yourself.

i know how to help you
i want to help you
i can't help you
until you help you
050929
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stork daddy oh dear, i'm afraid it isn't just me...i don't feel there's any inherent worth in anyone's existence but that our minds make it so. 050929
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unhinged that's how he feels too, which makes it impossible for me to help him. so i just smoke with him instead and let both of us get sucked deeper down the hole we've created independently of each other. much like me at that age, he hasn't learned to quiet his internal conflict, to accept and move on. he wallows too hard for too long, much like i used to.

life is better clean even if you don't have some profound existential reason for it though. if anything, you physically feel better which can allow your brain the space to breathe and climb out of the self_destructive hole you place it in when you have a drug problem. but he's got that whole fatalistic 'i'm gonna die young so it doesn't matter' bullshit going on. killing himself slowly instead of picking up the gun. if you truly see no worth in your existence then ending it shouldn't be such a dilemma. why draw it out over the course of years and make it that much more painful for everyone involved?

it reminds me of my bach_goddess and her crazy mother who threatened to kill herself all the time. she got so sick of the threats that she would just tell her mom 'come on. just do it already. i'm sick of hearing you talk about it. i'm sick of you threatening me.' drug abuse is just a protracted suicide attempt. bite the fucking bullet already if there's no worth holding you up.

that post-modern malaise of 'i have no worth, my existence is meaningless' makes no sense to me and never has. my drug abuse didn't stem from that so much as a tourniquet to stop the gushing pain i felt at interacting with most human beings.

and your existence has some external worth at least daddy
you are very proficient at making me smile
050929
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unhinged and the gushing pain i feel at interacting with myself




i don't really know where it comes from; my overwhelming sadness, aloneness, self_hate. i've tried to pinpoint it. it has a lot to do with my father's endless litany of 'that was good but' or 'you are so lazy and irresponsible' and things like that. i was always the silent model child that rarely talked back, that had healthy afterschool activities, that got straight a's or as close as i could get to it while taking all honors classes, that got a full ride to college all the way through my masters. but somehow i was always barely good enough and/or lazy and irresponsible. i've never asked my father for help with anything in my adult life, i've never been arrested, i've never been pregnant. but somehow, i'm the worst child my father could have possibly ended up with under the circumstances. i'm sure that has much to do with how i feel about myself. why i hate looking at myself in the mirror, why i feel alone in crowded rooms, why i constantly berate myself for what i haven't done and what i think i've done badly. because 'anything less than 100% isn't good enough.'

i've been relatively sober for the past few days. mostly out of necessity; i don't know anyone around here that can get me pot worth smoking and my best friend is too busy with school to waste time and money helping me out with that. i know part of my current problem has to do with the horrific pms i've developed over the past couple of years; i always feel like cramming a blade into my wrist and dragging it down as far as i can right about now. but the same reflex is also symptomatic of my sobriety. i can't quiet the clamoring in my head. the only way i can get it to stop is by smoking or swallowing. i say i've spent the past couple of days in relative sobriety because last night after both my parents went to bed i made a mixed drink with about six shots worth of liquor. i barely even felt anything for about a total of five minutes. but it was slightly easier to fall asleep last night than it was the night before when i tried to sleep completely sober. i'm not sure why i bothered though. i like to be obliterated and five shots didn't even come close. but i couldn't drink much more than that without someone around here noticing because it's like being on lockdown. i don't like to talk to my parents about my feelings or my life.


my wrist has been itching quite a bit the past few days; the physical manifestation of my echoing_thought and i don't know how to get rid of it without poisoning myself.
051002
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unhinged my heart wants this to be over
by whatever means necessary
051007
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unhinged love_is_pain but i don't let myself wallow in that pain anymore. i push it away from me like a bubble with a feather. 080420
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kuffsleeve Thats like watering your flowers with a water pistol. 080420
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Lemon_Soda It is a good thing to be free of expectation. The other half is appraciating that there are no ordinary moments. 080421
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fuffle since when did you realize that?
was is when you stopped being a child?
or did you never realize that you were alive?
080421
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Lemon_Soda Some people progress slower than others, some people have different experiences that help shape how they see things. I'm not you, so it makes perfect sense we would come to it at the times that were best for both of us. By the by, do we know each other? Kind of a personal dig for a page steeped in ambiguity, don't you think? 080422
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unhinged ah shamatha


hey asshole
the reason i accepted you
was because i learned long before you
that you needed to do the work on your own
for it to mean anything

(and in light of rereading this blathe
it's even creepier that
you and john worked together
until he got you fired)
110623
what's it to you?
who go
blather
from