fortune_teller_refuses_to_hire_megalomaniac andru235 ========= =PART ONE= ========= having found no fortune to be had at Biff's Diner (biff's_diner_refuses_to_hire_megalomaniac) i decided to seek the wisdom of a fortune teller, who apparently ran a shop in the same strip mall. i paused outside of the shoppe, and looked at the door: ====Madame von Wilson==== -----Palmist and Seer----- as i opened the door, i heard the jingling of bells. something smelled peculiar...certainly there was incense in the air, but there was something else, too... i heard some bubbling noises coming from a back room. my view into the back room was obscured by a palisade of hanging strings of beads. it was really stinky in here. pungent, in fact. "Madame von Wilson? are you back there?" i called. "Oh, vun meenoot!" called a voice from the backroom. i waited like *five* meenoots before Madame von Wilson came through the door, carrying a handful of burning insence sticks and a small flask. she was spritzing a fine mist from the flask, and rather manically, i thought. in nanoseconds the room was awash in overpowering smells. "alo!" said the woman. "Madame von Wilson," i said, "*I* am Andru235." "vy uv c-koors yoo ahr!" she said, adding, "yoo not need tell zaht to Madave von Wilson!" right, i thought to myself, feeling chagrinned. of course she did. she's a professional. "well, Madame, you probably already know why i am here," i said ernestly. she looked at me with a big smile, continuing to wave the incense sticks, and spritzing from the flask. she looked at me some more. she smiled, she looked. "uh...i'm here...you know...about employment..." i stammered. "you can stop spritzing that now," i told her frankly. "i smell it. oh, do i smell it!" she smiled again, and made one last little spritz. "come-a, come-a witha me-a," said Madame von Wilson. i was having a seriously hard time determining the origin of her accent. at first i had thought it was Polish, but now, i was thinking it was Madagascarish. she sure didn't *look* Madagascarish, i can tell you that much! as i followed Madame von Wilson down the hall, and into a small room with a crystal ball on a table, i had a feeling of deja vu. "ha!" i said, "i just KNEW there would be a crystal ball in here! i'm psychic myself, you know." she touched my hand, smiling. "yoo seet-a there-a. i be-a right-a back-a." i sat down in the chair. there wasn't much to look at in the room other than a led zeppelin poster and a photograph of trafalgar square. there was a small bookshelf, however. there was a bubbling noise in the distance. it was a very soothing sound. perhaps she had a fish tank back there or something. as i waited, i looked at the bookshelf: *hardy boys: the hidden staircase *hardy boys: the shore road mystery *hardy boys: the tower treasure *the pelican brief, by john grisham *complete spanish dictionary *how to speak moldovan in ten days *the compleat college biology 2001 *geologic survey of the faroe islands *the idiot's guide to rocket science *c is for corpse by sue grafton *towards zero by agatha christie *my seven favorite chakras by zuli *roget's compact thesaurus *bart simpson's guide to life *winter's tale by shakespeare *far side gallery 3 by gary larson *guide to plant physiology *dick and jane fuck like rabbits *101 dalmations *the healing power of crystals *feeling up the future: a player's guide to psychic power i stopped looking at the books. the bubbling started up again. to occupy myself, i decided to look into the crystal ball myself. other than a distorted view of the bookshelf, i didn't see much. not everyone can operate crystal balls, i'm told. the wierd smell had returned, and Madame von Wilson was still absent. i decided that, as a recent convert to megalomania, this would be a great time to think about myself. me me me, i thought. there i am. i looked at my fingernails. then i itched my eyebrow, but not because of any sort of itchiness - more because it was something to do. sometimes when people are asked why they climbed mount everest, they say, "because it's there". i know just how they felt because that was my exact sentiment on itching my eyebrow moments before. "suu suurry," said Madame von Wilson, coming back into the room. "me not mean tuu keep yuuu waiting." "i understand," i said compassionately. "i used to own fish myself." she gave me a blank look. "um, feesh?" "yeah, you know. those little swimmy things," i said, making a fish-like gesture with my hand. "i heard your bubbler." her jaw dropped and a look of alarm crossed her face. "relax!" i said. "just because the bubbler is loud doesn't mean the fish suffer. heck, they probably like it. as long as the tank isn't too dirty and you don't overfeed them, your fishtank will be just fine." she looked very relieved to here this. she also looked rather tired. her eyes were bloodshot. perhaps she was allergic to the fishtank. "suu yuu wuunt duu nuu abuut zee verking," said Madame von Wilson in her strange accent. "feerst leet uus dray ayy d'taroe card-a." "stheenk uuf zee qvestion," she suggested as she shuffled the card. i thought of several, but i decided to keep that to myself. i didn't want to get charged too much since she probably planned to deduct the cost from my first paycheck. i figure that since some new jobs charge you for your uniform, a psychic would charge you for your questions while training in. i thought, when do i start? and, will my first paycheck be enough to by myself a huge boulder of rose quartz? and, will the universe expand infinitely, reach a point of equilibrium, or collapse into itself, creating a singularity? "draw zee card-a," said Madame von Wilson, spreading the deck out before me. i drew one from near the edge of the table. before i had even turned the card over, Madame von Wilson exclaimed, "ah, zee aight uuf zee pentacles!" i flipped over the card. it was the_knight_of_wands". "looks like i drew the_knight_of_wands," i observed. "yees, eet eez az i say, zee knite uuf zee vands," said Madame von Wilson. "not to be rude, Madame, but you said the_eight_of_pentacles," i noted. "oh, yuu go have hearing checked. buut zay doo saoond uluke, no?" i could hardly tell what she was saying. she must have learned english very recently. "anyway, what does it mean?" i asked. "i seense zat yoo hava many-a qvestion," she said. "but i tell zee thees: zee aight uuf zee pentacles mean zat zee find-a success-a in zee dreemz abuut zee loba-stuurs." there was a long moment while looked at one another. "so you are saying that the_eight_of_pentacles means that i will find success in the dreams about the lobsters." "zat ees vaht i say," she said, nodding. "but i drew the_knight_of_wands," i said, pointing to the card. she looked at the card. "ohh, i-a know-a. but eef zee draw zee aight uuf zee pentacles, zat might be vat eet means." "well THAT helps a lot," i jeered. "eet ees zee time-a to draw next card," said Madame von Wilson. i hesitated. "theenk uuf zee qvestion." suddenly, i realized that i had probably thrown her off by thinking of several questions at once - that would explain the whole "eight of pentacles" fiasco. i focused on my next question. if the greeks had added another letter to their alphabet, what would they have called it? i picked a card. it was the_ten_of_swords. "no, yoo pick zee wrong vun," said Madame von Wilson, "draw agane." "oh...i..." i said, confused. i drew the_moon. "eexkyooz-a me-a," she said, exiting the room. well that's dumb, i thought. i really doubt the greeks would have followed omega with "the_moon". in the distance i heard a bubbling noise. she must be having problems with her fishtank, i figured. then a phone rang. i heard her mumbling something or other. then she came back into the room. "look, i gotta take this call. come back later this afternoon," said Madame von Wilson. her english had spontaneously improoved tenfold. hmmmm, i thought. later this afternoon, eh? she saw me to the door, and as i stepped outside, i noticed it had started drizzling a bit. maybe in the meantime i should go and solicit another job. i could keep two jobs at once. hah! now THAT would be megalomaniacal, hogging several jobs! why, maybe some day i could take over ALL the jobs! i stepped out into the rain. i scanned the strip mall for my next target of employment. i fixed my gaze on Roxanne's Ballet Studio... TO BE CONTINUED... 051024 ... andru235 roxanne's_assistant_refuses_to_hire_megalomaniac 051024 ... andru235 ========== =PART TWO= ========== (follows Sports_Port_refuses_to_hire_megalomaniac) from the dumpster behind sports port to the front of the strip mall, i stumbled. my stomach grumbled. "grah...this world!" i mumbled. it was still raining, and thunder rumbled. the wall around the strip mall crumbled. my efforts at megalomania were not finding much success, and i felt humbled. but i resolved to get right up again, if i tumbled. bees bumbled. i opened the door to Madame von Wilson's Palmistry. that bizarre smell again hung in the hazy air, and intermittent bubbling could be heard from the back room. i was about to politely call out for Madame von Wilson, but then i remembered that the proper megalomaniacal mode of enterance is to announce one's presence. "Andru235 has returned!" i yelled. the bubbling noise stopped, and Madame von Wilson entered the room. "oh, eet ees yuu agane...come-a." i followed her to the room i had been in earlier. i was somewhat surpised to see that the cards i had drawn were still lying face up on the table. as i sat down, Madame von Wilson lit a cigarette. "so zee vants to know about zee apple orchard," said Madame von Wilson. i shook my head, "no, i want to know about my job." "i not think you have job, no?" "you hired me," i decided. she looked confused. "i...no, me hire no one. not even self! ha ha ha." "but you told me to come back this afternoon," i protested. "ah, yes. to finish-a mystic-a reading-a about-a you fyoochur. draw a card." i sighed, "lady, you even never told me what the other cards m-" "DRAW!" she yelled. "but think question first." i thought, if i am the equivalent of a uranium-235 person, what would my fraternal equivalents plutonium 238 and 239 incarnate themselves as? "wait...i get vision. draw two card," said Madame von Wilson. i drew the first card: XV_the_devil. res ipso loquitur, i thought. i drew the second card, and it was also XV_the_devil. "hey! you spiked the deck!" by the look on Madame von Wilson's face, she hadn't. her jaw hung agape. "you feel worried now, yes?" said Madame von Wilson. "nah," i said, feeling mostly relieved. "you ask new question, this time you not cheat!" she said, and recalled the overturned cards. she made a point to remove the second devil before reshuffling. i wondered where i had come from before i arrived on earth, and i drew a card. it was XXI_the_world, but it was upside down. Madame von Wilson now seemed to be talking like a cave person, but at least her accent was intelligible. "upside down mean opposite. also me get vision. new card new question." where was my home, i wondered. the card i drew was LVII_a_totally_different_plane_of_existece. "hmmmm...i not remember see card like that before," Madame von Wilson observed. "oh well, me have poor short term memory, ha ha ha. next card next question." i wondered if she was going to expound upon the meaning of any of these cards. i drew MCDXV_nope. at least now the cards were telling me something i didn't already know. Madame von Wilson looked quite perplexed. "where all these wierd cards coming from? anyway, draw again, ask new question." i asked myself, how do i get to my home on a totally different plane of existence? the card i drew was XIII_death. "thank you, captain obvious," i muttered. Madame von Wilson clapped her hands, excitedly gurgling "new question new question!" but i was beginning to find this tedious. i asked Madame von Wilson if there was perhaps some other form of reading we could do. "well, alright," said Madame von Wilson. she took a book off of the bookshelf. "what book is that?" i asked Madame von Wilson. "ah, this is book of mystic brotherhood," said Madame von Wilson. ooh, i thought. that sounds promising. Madame von Wilson continued, "me sense you need many more fraternal relationships." ouch, i thought. that may be true, but half the reason i became a megalomaniac was to forget about that in the first place. "pick a number one to six-hundred-and-fifty," said Madame von Wilson, with no accent at all. "ok, how about 281," i suggested. "no, me not like," Madame von Wilson declined. "how about 453 instead." i shrugged. "453: first, REBELLION," she said, drumming her fists on the table. "revolt, uprising, insurgence, insurrection, mutiny, sedition, revolution. see also disobedience, defiance." "what does that -" i started. "SHHHH!" Madame von Wilson hushed. "next. REBIRTH," she said throwing her hand in the air, and she imitated a heavenly choir sound, although not very well. "ressurection, reincarnation, renascence, renaissance, revival, resurgence, upsurge, salvation, redemption, new life. see change, restoration." i noticed she was reading a thesaurus. "Madame von Wilson, that's a thesaurus. it isn't a book of mysti-" "what YOU know, you jobless person?!?" she accused. "next. REBOUND," she said, shaking her head wildly. "bounce, ricochet, react,..." i sighed, "look. what i want to know is -" "ENOUGH!" said Madame von Wilson. "no more reading for you. go away. go!" she stood and pulled the chair out from under me. i scrambled to the floor, bewildered. "GO RIGHT NOW! HURRY! IT WAITING OUTSIDE!" she said, ushering me to the door. i gave her a sideways look as i stepped out into the parking lot. the sun was out, and birds were chirping. "hey dude," a skate-boarded said to me with a wink as he flew by on - go figure - his skateboard. as he passed, i saw that on the back of his hooded sweatshirt was a huge picture of a phoenix. "tra la la," i said, as i began to skip to and fro. "what a fine day for megalomania!" but in the back of my mind, i had some serious doubts as to whether or not megalomania was right for me. i decided to give up the job hunt for today, and return home. besides, strip malls are no place for megalomaniacs, who prefer gilded palatial estates. of course i am really only speaking for myself. why would i want to speak for anyone else? it would be rude, not to mention unmegalomaniacal. 051026 ... DannyH Bravo! You have excelled yourself Andru235. I think one day you may make a very fine megalomaniac. 051026 ... unhinged (reminded me of the blather mazes of back in the day, but less like dungeons and dragons and more like a real story. hehehehehe i miss andru) 100219 what's it to you? who go blather from