how
angelea could i have spent the last hour reading this blather stuff? whatever... 980917
...
adam in the hell am i supposed to read, write, update my page, study, work and date all at the same time? 990305
...
me? better behave yourself or we'll send you back to Dr. Jamf! 991110
...
Alexander Beetle now 991116
...
camille the manner in which one explains the procedure in creating a process to create 000103
...
amy I am at a loss, and so will try to relax with a nap. 000121
...
fairydust i don't trust you. i don't trust myself. how can i trust you if i don't trust myself with myself? because i love you.
no, nevermind i don't.
000509
...
frenzy how now brown cow,
seems to be a good day,
so cow how art thou,
shall you give your milk away?

yes i made that up woohoo.
000522
...
Jordan How did it happen
me and you
the us, the we.
if only I could get close
touch you, would you believe?
would I catch your eye,
before the curtain falls
I feel so close, already, yet... so far
they say it is better to have loved and lost. Try it sometime.
000524
...
crying al can i keep going on like this? i love you and you say you love me too, now more than ever. How can i believe you? How? You have snuck around behind my back with her.... her, how i HATE her.... how i long to just hold you tight and tell you i loveyou and have you tell me the same, and mean it... how i long to be in your arms and not have to think about her and you. 000705
...
birdmad ...did i get myself into this?

i keep asking myself, but i know it's purely rhetorical anymore
000705
...
kate lovely you look in he moonlight 001110
...
Fly and i think
and i cry
and i wonder why
Broken hearts are too easy to come by
love as powerfull as the word itself
and i dont know why
and i dont know why i cry
and i cant help but wonder how.
001125
...
Tank how is it that every time i choose the wrong one..?

that every time i end up here..?

what is it that i did, that i feel the need to punish myself so..?

how is it that all roads lead to this one repeatedly lived place...

nowhere...

now here...
010103
...
keeper how i yearn to feel your lips against my skin, kissing mine, kissing my neck as you pull me closer, rubbing your hands on the inside of my thighs as i straddle you while we sit at your computer 010408
...
Chrity go to:
i_have_words
010408
...
ladybird like this? 010515
...
skg how can i ever love as i love you
it isn't possible

it's been so long since i
have seen you and i still see you
as if it were yesterday, i still
feel you, hear you

i still taste you

my breathing is not complete
i miss you
i love you
010517
...
girl how now brown cow 010823
...
Lil J How can i accpet this role that has been placed on my head? The bearers confound and befuddle me. But as the swalow flies my imagination stays, only to be caged in the soft satin of my stainless steel prison.
Indeed I let them imprison me but I never helped with the dealings of my heart. Making my life a pointless excersise in this spotless, cold hell.
011231
...
j_blue how can i disappear_without_dying?

the trying question of my_time
020118
...
eclecticsynesthesia how do i feel about thee?
let me count the ways
1. frozen for your words are laws, shiny inked justice and cool steel
2. loving i think stop what is love oh there's no time for that the music is right and you are just so beautiful
3. fearful for your tempestous youthfulness will stir me without regard and later unwill me to drift
4. concerned that nonplussed i love never in concave epochs
5. sunk to hear my words so dry, my matte personality keeps you tossing 'oh's
030113
...
zaxary can this site be so beutiful as to have sucked me in? it is a late night kinda site, and the twisty, tangly web, makes me so happy. its so twisty, that i dont know if anyone will ever read this. but if they do, i hope that they find it nice. 030403
...
mo how is it that i was able to make it rain in my living room? 030403
...
niska how
ever
i should have known
i should have kknown...

--the cranberries
030403
...
kss to get this horrible feeling out of me? 030831
...
imposter How is it possible to feel so completely alive and so totally dead inside at the same time? How? HOW?

Is misery a function of Joy? Is Pain relative to a formula written in characters of love?

How is it possible to be empty and full? Mutually exclusive?

And when all is said and done, does the balance on my life sheet read in Greek symbols and Hebrew letters an eternal zero, the balance on nothing and non-entity? If I am both full of Pain and Joy, does that by circumstance mean that the two naturally cancel each other, resulting in zero, and therefore I am empty but full, full in fact of nothing?

Pain/Joy
Empty/Full
Love/Hate

How am I so_alive and so_alone?
030902
...
miz0re come i'm always alone? 031005
...
jenny enny dots I can't start one 040118
...
Fireapple red One can never be alone unless there is another to throw your loneliness into relief. Similarly one cannot feel pain unless the point of reference, that is joy, has been comprehended. So we ask ourselves, why are "we" alone and in response I have been reliably informed that this is really two questions. Not only you ask why are you alone but you also ask: "Who am I?". And the answer to that is that there is no I but a multitude of I playing, dancing with each other. Sure, there's a bit of continuity but ultimatley your selves a arbitrarily made prominent by this entity we call "society". And so the second question, or the first or all of the questions is whay are we, that is all of I, alone. The self you chose to interact with others gives you an answer, not all of the answers, but one to that situation. In conversation we transcend the self to something higher: (a) being understood; (a) being known and this, my friends, is what I (at least at the moment) am living for. The words only lie if you tell yourself they do. Nothing is fixed or certain so love it. How am I happy? By being alive amidst all of these crazy goings-on we happen to have called "The World" 040220
...
meh... ... ever, is hould have known... 040220
...
meh... i should have known that's already been said.

AND i should have known that i made a typo.


but how could i?

i ignore everything.
040220
...
a_grilled_fish Nan de ikimasu 040520
...
magdalena can you truly be so cold? 040520
...
string now brown cow 040723
...
Rob how? never mind, how, it's about why. 040817
...
nighean_siofra how do i do it?
day after day after day



i don't know...
i really don't know...
040818
...
on the road do people stand up from their beds every morning and go about life?

What makes them run?
050523
...
marjorie and HOW!! 060122
...
O_A how did it happen?

My beloved blather has spam? Spam. I almost cried. Maybe I should have asked when and why as well.

and is it wrong to have thought that you were sacred?
060630
...
anythingbutcryptic how do you do it and how do you do it without feeling guilty/sad/worried/like becoming a nihilist 080111
...
. this is how. stop pooping! 100227
...
. . 100307
...
. I only cried once when my cat died. 100810
...
. my cat was always there for me and we shared the same bed so i doubt i will cry if anything else dies. 100810
...
Janaewen from the first gathering of conifer resins; from the first scraping of a stick against the mountainside 110626
...
Toxic_Kisses Soundtrack playing in the background of my life right now:
Cake - Never There
.
.
.
.

How do I Talk To You Now?

13 yrs together
13 yrs now gone

you HATE me
I cant say I blame you

.
nearly 5 or 6 weeks later
you blurt out
you have pancreatic cancer
.

ANGRY
you've
YELLED at me
to stay away
Twice

So I have

I haven't seen you since I left
Haven't called or texted
since you SCREAMED at me
to leave you
a.l.o.n.e.

yet you give me e-mail updates
(like I asked you to)
and let me know you've started chemo
3 times a week
you were just about to begin that week

Even though I got your e-mail an hour after you sent it I don't reply back until a week later saying I'd just only then seen it.

I try to say something encouraging
Something uplifting

it sounds trite
and fake
and stupid

I feel
less then useless

but I send it anyway

bc I can't think of anything else to say

though I DESPERATELY
want to

You replied back LAST Tuesday
a day after I wrote you

A week on chemo
and you've lost 25 pounds

It's Saturday now
still
I don't know what to say

13 years together
and I'm not sure I ever did

always
so much
too much
SILENCE
Between.....Us


And now your dieing
.
.
.
.
.
now
.
your
.
dieing
.
.
.
.
.
and still I don't know what to say
140406
what's it to you?
who go
blather
from