sarpedon_freewrite sarpedon Ever try freewriting, I mean, not just blathering, but seriously spending a half hour writing non-stop just whatever comes to your mind? My first attempt follows. Unedited, barely even changed. Disclaimer: What I put forth is not contended to make sense, seem realistic, or represent me in any real sense. --------- I have not freewritten in a long time, if ever, and I just have so many thoughts on my mind. Such as what is becoming of all my relationships in high school. Or does it really matter. I have so many friends outside of high school, actually, I don't have too many, but they are really good friends. So what to do. I cannot cease writing. I must continue, not deleting stuff, well, except for quick grammatical, and more importantly typographical mistakes. This is being done in BBEdit, one of the best editors out there. So here I am, listening to this cd. I love this cd. It reminds me of Harvard, but it also reminds me of so many goals unrealized. Such as the creator of this mix. It is really important. She means a lot to me. And she does not even realize it. Damn, I got to watach out so that I do not delete stuff I just don't want to say. But anyway, I hold such an extreme form of love for her. Unconditional in so many ways. She has put me through a lot of lows, but she has brought me to so many other places that I never regretted being in, no matter what she thought of them. All that matters, really, is what I thought of them. But I get by, with a little help from those around me. This music is just amazing, simply amazing. It brings back how delusional my mind was at Harvard, how she made me feel, and the things that she did to my life. Deception was a big part. But I don't think she knows exactly how her actions affected me. Why did she send me the cd? Why did I send her the cd's. Why did we chat, why did we talk together. Why does she say when there are others around that I don't like to talk (she mentioned that multiple times yesterday)? But then at the next moment talk to me as if we have talked all our lives. Yesterday as well, while eating at that place before the math meet, she was pestered a lot by the other two seniors. And she saw in my eyes, as we made eye contact those few times, that I really did care. She must have. She did not look into my eyes with any sign of contempt, but true looking out to me. She looked out to me. I responded silently, like I always do. I did not take part in the bantering, but rather held empathy toward her. I did not do it directly, but I think from all her experiences she would have expected me to take part in the fun making. I did not. Does she ever ask herself why I did not. Does she? Does she? I wonder, oh how do I wonder. Does she realize that I love her. I wonder so much. I have always, always been there for her, whenever she realized it. I rose to whatever challenges she put for me. If she wanted to talk, I would talk. If she did not, I kept my distance, I let her have her space. This is not normal for someone of my age. It just is not. And this song that's on right now, still makes a lot of sense. 'I don't think she's got the notion that that's the girl i've been telling you about' I told a lot of people at harvard, I think my room mate realized how I felt. But damn it is so hard to think clearly. My mind is a great deceiver. I have constently been wrong. I try to understand her, I try desperately, and she still blows me off often. It sucks. It sucks when someone you care about takes this position. Anny knew what it was like. I think Anny clearly expressed, and understood how I felt. And you know what, someone like Anny really, really rocks. Someone who will listen to you, talk to you about whatever you want. Damn, after this song ends I'm going to have to kill it. It is bothering me too much and is distracting me from my writings. I can't think straight damn it. Time for some Wolfman's Brother action. Ahhh, this song really gets me going. Nothing beats rock that sounds classical. I swear it sounds like classical music, but a lot more modern and upbeat. I'll have to thake this around to my music teacher, later. If that is how you spell his name. One of the sweetest parts of this music is that the vocals are part of the music, and they do not draw away attention from writing like that other pop music does. But that pop music has a special place in my heart. I love listening to it, because it is what she likes to listen to. It's her music, and by listening to it I revive everything I've felt about her. You need to keep in mind that she included a bunch of love songs, like ones that are really something that I would ordinarily not ever listen to, or like to. But she chose them, I don't know why. I don't know why. Still free writing, running out of ideas slowly, and more slowly. I bet I have been only going for ten or so minutes, but I type so fast it is so cool. Yeah, cool. Typing fast rocks. Except when I make so many mistakes. So what is happening tomorrow. Damn it, she is off in New Jersy now, getting acquainted with her surroundings once again. Does she realize how lucky she is to get the chance to go away for a weekend, meeting her friends, visiting colleges, and having just fun. I don't know what to say. Do I envy her for everything she gets to do? Do I really? I would say not, that would tire me out so quickly. Her life is full of so much activity, she has very little free time on her own. She has so many social and other various responsibilities that she has lost sight of herself. Or so I think... It's got to be. She always complains that she has no time. When I asked her the next time she would get any free time to work on burning cd's, she said sometime in December. What's up with that? The question is, is the grass greener on the other side? Oh yeah, it's got to be in this case. But I highly doubt she envies my life, but rather just envies parts of it. But hey, maybe I'm so out of whack that she doesn't see anything to be desired, which is cool to. After all, she has her boyfriend, her circle of friends, and it seems that she is just so happy. Damn it, why do I keep talking about her? She is always on my mind. I think I came to this freewrite to get out all the opinions that I could out of my mind, shirking on the grammar and occasionally the spelling. Oh, and it's filled with inconsistencies. But hey, that's OK. Anyway, I wanted to get out my real emotions about her out, because I just wanted to see what they were, damn it. And so I end up talking to myself. But not my normal type of conversation with myself. This one is different. A lot different. I am not thinking too much about what I say, but just being concerned about getting it down. Damn, incorrect grammar again. Hey, still cranking out material. Am I just going to have to cease? But I have another forty minutes to go? Insane. But it's worth it. It must be. I can look back in the future and see my utter ramblings. And it's going to look like I'm a big loser worrying about insignificant things. Anyway, I am still hoping that stuff comes around before the end of senior year. I don't think that she is really in love, but hey, that's just my opinion, with the very limited knowledge about her. After all, remember, she stopped talking to me about these things a long time ago. Come to think of it, did she ever talk to me about these things. I don't think so in fact. And that really sucks. She knows I will always be here for her. Which reminds me, I'm starting to fall into that trap that was talked about over at Ars. Namely that I would hang around her, stuck in the 'friend box', a hell from which few escape. Don't that suck. But that is thinking in the negatives. If someone is really interested in me, and I in her, you know that we would first be attracted to as friends. This is for the reason that we would like to be around her as much as possible. Approaching someone about a relationship is a bit weird, and it tends to alientate. The thing with dating is that it is so much based upon seeking out someone because of their physical appearance. Ahh, not that song of mine that I love so much is on. Crazy fingers. It seems that I see way too into metaphors sometime. But "hang your heart on laughing willow, stray down to the water, deep see of love" Damn it. More ramblings. "Life may be sweeter for this, I don't know Seek how it feels in the end May Lady Lullabye sing plainly for you Soft strong, sweet and true." Sigh. Damn it, back onto that subject. But I must switch to something else. Tomorrow is the Walk, which means that I get to walk a whole ten miles for some school event. Yippee. Too bad I will be running most of it. And too bad I still have class afterwards (only one in the school). High school is the worst. Absolutely. It has alienated me, in general. Never been to any of those freaking dances. Never been asked to go to any of them either. Wow, amazing, now that I realize it. But hey, I'm not missing much. I still have a few good friends that are just as apathetic within the same school. Not to mention the other very good friends that live across the country that (suprise) share the same apathy. Off to college, very soon, and not a moment too soon. I am amazed as well at how I took everything so far. Even though I feel such contempt at the system, I still feel for all the individuals. I get by, I help out by tutoring people inside and outside my school. I do what I can. I get by, with a little help of my few friends. But between these friends, we know the joke of high school. And we know afterwards we will probably not talk too much to each other. After all, we will be at college, we will have our own lives. "Midnight, on a carousel ride Reaching for the gold ring Down inside Never could reach It just slips away But I try" How true. Those lines alone make this song for me. These lines alone often ring true. When I'm down and out at moments (like this), I can always look at this and just remember, not with contempt, but with loving fondness of those times that I tried and failed. I tried, that's what I'll remember. I did not give up. And I brought happiness (I hope) to a few people in the process. 001005 ... an interested viewer Very interesting but disturbing at the same time... I enjoyed it. 001005 what's it to you? who go blather from