blurring_the_edges_56_surreal_to_reel birdmad (This chapter, one more and an epilogue or two, of sorts) 041105 ... birdmad Spending the whole of that saturday afternoon near nausea from anxiety, you are more relieved than disappointedn when Bryan cals and cancels out on the trip to the fair. You'd feel worse about it if it wasn't for the fact that the last time you hung out with Bryan, he pretty well fucked you over on a luittle business transaction the two of you had been plotting. His penchant for throwing you under the proverbial bus is why, while you are still friends to a degree, that brotherly connection you had with him back in school is ancient history. You get to the fairgrounds early and after grabbing a bite to eat, you wait in the spot where you were origianlly planning to meet up with Tina and Bryan. Bry had said he was gonna call Tina and let her know he was backing out. He sounded a little ill and you figure that in addition to not being exposed to whatever germs he's carrying, it'll be nice to not have to split your attention You see Tina coming up the way to the bank of tables between the concessionaires and the Grandstand. There si a man walking a few steps ebhind her, but you make nothing of it as there is a small army of people in general moving in the same direction as she is, but you sense that something is, at least in your world, "off." You stand up from the bench you were sitting and she comes to you with another big hug. Your heart races and suddenly you feel like you just might be able to shake yourself free of everything you've been and done since that august afternoon. Her hair is still the same style as it was during the last half of senior year when she cut off most of that mane of curls she had. Looking up at you, as you tower over her, she smiles at you for the first time in a terribly long time. That same smile that used to set you on fire from the middle of your chest all the way to your fingertips. All those things that it took you forever to work up the nerve to tell her and you realize it is the first time you have seen her smile without the braces that she had from the end of sophomore year to just past graduation. "Alex," she starts, "This is my husband, Richard." The man who had been walking a couple of paces behind. He's easily at least a little bit more attractive than you and knowing what you know about certain cues in apopearance, he's definitely richer than you. Perhaps not "rich" per se, but decidedly more successful in general than your college-dropout ass. "Pleased to meet you, Richard," you lie, with that same well practiced grace that has kept you from getting killed or savagely beaten on more occasions than not. By the way that Tina hugged you and the way that you held on, you can tell he knows that you might not be telling him the truth, but he doesn't know how far that's true. Wnatever romantic music had been playing on the soundtrack of your mind has just come to a screeching halt. Just don't be an asshole, Alex. You are torn, you've never gotten over her rejection, but because you really did and really do love her, at least some small piece of your heart is happy if she's happy. The rest of your heart, though, wants to jump from the top of the ferris wheel. You settle into used-car-salemsan mode to cope with the rest of the eevning. You spend a good portion of time catching up on old times. She says she's heard vague rumors about some of your less flattering exploits, but you lie some more and deny all of it. "Lies, all of it," you laugh, "Unless your impressed by any of that sort of thing, then i'll admit to it whether it'zs true or not." Twisting the knife she doesn't know she's planted, she mentions that she's talked to Elena in the last few weeks and that they hung out together last time Elena passed through town. You excuse yourself briefly to pay a visit to the recently added beer concession and ask if anyone wants one on you on your way up. "Sure, thanks," Richard says, "Coin toss, though, i win, you buy, you win, i buy." Interesting. "What about you, Tina?" "I'll pass." "I call heads." you tell him. The coin lands tails, you're buying anyway. Coming back with the overpriced but otherwise decent domestics, you hand Richard his and take yours. "So," you ask them in general, feeling slightly masochistic, "how long have you two been married?' You are struck, if not by the small, subtle signs of Richards success, (his name rings a bell and you realize the guy owns a small, but fairly successful contruction firm, which also puts him at, if you recall what yo9u know about him correctly, about a good six years older than you) but by his blandness. Tina hardly pays him any attention throughout the evening, which further accentuates your awareness of how much this guy fades into the background. Subtlety is one thing, but this goes way beyond that. After about an hour of animated conversation between Tina and you, Tina decides that for the sake of having a little fun and feeling like kids again at least for a little while, that maybe a few rounds of the rides might be in order. "Yeah, I'm up for it." you asnwer. "You two knock yourselves out," Richard adds, "I'll follow along, I can't handle those things" This evening has been close captioned for the fun-impaired, man. now just don't say that out loud. (...) 041108 ... birdmad The sublime weirdness of this is not lost on you at all: Your first and likely only date with the woman who you would dare call your fist true love, chaperoned by her husband and following just over a week on the heels of your mother's passing. You might still feel it, but don't say it tonight, you may never get another chance, but even these little moments tonight are worth something, so don't say it. Shee seems happy enough, if slightly bored - don't mess it up for her. You have next to nothing to offer her, and the cold hard reality in this world is that lovce really isn't enough. It's hard not to look at her and wwonder what could have been, though, isn't it? Would you have taken the roads you've travelled if she hadn't shot you down? You can't say for sure. Too much time has passed to second guess. A million years worth of all the little dreams you've ever had about her ping like ricocheting rounds off the inside of your skull The crowds are thin for a Saturday night and you hit a lot of rides with her, surprised by how many of the harsher, faster rides she chooses It takes all of your will not to try and steal a kiss and it really does feel like you've flashed back to some schoolboy dream here with her in the middle of all these flashing lights and swirling scenery. You've never been so happy to be dizzy and a slight scowl crosses Richard's face as you and Tina stagger arm in arm off of the last ride. Tina, perhaps noticing that Richard is looking less than one-hudred percent thrilled with how close the two of you have gotten on some of these rides looks at her watch and says that is is maybe time for them to get going. You shake Richard's hand and follow Tina's goodbye hug with by kissing her hand. "Maybe we can hang out again later, Alex?" "I'd like that." "I'll call you then." It turns out out though, that she never does. You spend the last hour and a half until closing time on the roller coaster, handing tickets to the carny staked out at the headof the line. That warm, bittersweet ache courses through your chest keeping you warm in spite of the dropping temperature and the biting wind. Leaving the fair, you drive around the city for hours, stopping to ponder the view from Shaw Butte up 19th Avenue and then going up the other side of it along 7th Street. From your glove compartmetn, you take out a tape that you occasionally play when you are feeling this way. It's a nearly worn out mix-tape that you made for Tina back in school but never gave her. Depeche_Mode 's "Somebody" plays to start the tape, crackling from wear and age. You keep driving, still feeling that same sensation in your heart. When you finally get home, it's just before dawn. You notice that there is a message on the answering machine, but you save it until morning. For the first time in weeks you get a decent sleep In your dreams there ws no Richard and Tina came home with you, but then again, in your dream, it was then, and not now. Put her behind you. Forget her as best as you can, Alex. Don't keep doing this to yourself. It's hard, to be sure, but try. Going to the answering machine in the morning, you find that Teri has finally called you, now nearly four months since the two of you came back from San Francisco. You let the day go by without calling her back and spend Sunday cleaning the house. After polishing off the last of the leftover consolation food that the neighbors have brought around, you have a beer and watch a video that one of your sisters shot on christmas eve a few years ago. It was that first chritmas after your dad died and your sisters were all there doing the usual tamale-making routine whioe you were coming in and out from doing yard work. In the video, you are disgusted by how fat you looked on camera and you remember it was just a few weeks after Cassandra had miscarried the baby and split town. Zoe never really seemed to mind it, which surprised you. Oreos and weed had seen you through that holiday season and you were happy to lose a lot of that weight later in the following year when the junk started messing with your digestion and your appetite. letting the tape end, you go back to bed. you have a brief cry in the immense silence of the house and drift off to sleep. Tomorrow night you'll go back to work. You'll call Teri later. 041109 what's it to you? who go blather from