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if_i_had_balls
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?
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i would rip out your shallow eyes and then spit repeatedly into your burning ocular cavities.
i would take every word that you ever said to me, stuff them into your mouth, and watch you suffocate just for sheer amusement.
i would intoxicate you to the point of black out, steal your car, mow down a troup of nuns (who conveniently happened to be out for a midnight jaunt), return the car to you as is, make my way home, then turn on the news and wait for your inevitable arrest and incarceration (bond denied) to flash across the t.v. screen.
i would tell everyone your shameful, jaw dropping little secret, then sit back and watch as you contemplate suicide or even worse, admit to the world that every word i spoke was the truth.
i would tell you that your inexperience in bed was something less than desirable and that every time you touched me, i was forced to day-dream that i was fucking somebody else for fear of gagging!
i would remind you of all the times that you made me cry! you bastard!
i would tell you to forget my name, that you ever knew me, and for you to walk your ass over to the nearest ledge, then fuck you!
i would tell you that you are such a childish moronic freak!
i would scratch them and then sign my name to this damn blathe!
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020422
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poetic_onslaught
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lol...nicely put
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020422
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Sailor Jupiter
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If I had balls....I would be male. How unfortunate for me.
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020422
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Syrope
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i like it, ? ...very ballsy. i_wish i had the balls to say something like that.
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020422
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CJ
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I have balls I just need to use them sometimes
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020422
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bethany
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would abandon all clandestine ways and see if i could resist all those things that put me here
and more importantly
tell pat that i adore him
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020423
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poetic_onslaught
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im not sure if pat would adore u back if u had balls
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020423
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god
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i'm fondling my balls as i type this
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020423
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farky
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laser_nuts
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020423
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pralines&cream
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I'd wish for a penis
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020423
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unhinged
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i had balls tonight
i told my bach_goddess how beatiful i think she is
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020423
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Arwyn
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someone would have kicked them by now.
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020424
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admit one
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i'd hang bells on my wanker and walk around telling macho men, "the belles of the balls are always on my jock," then i'd flit or skip away.
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020424
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?
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i would not have to spread my legs or bare my tits to get someone to listen to what i have to say!
i would slap that sweet little baby face of yours just because you have the gall to be happy when i'm not!
i would tell you that you could easily have the kind of life you whine about not having, if you would just get off of your lazy (oh woe is me) ass and go fucking get it.
i would tell you that i still hate you for what you did to me. did you honestly think that the apology you delivered (coated with the appropriate amount of tears) was really acceptable?!
i would tell you that you are just like the others.
i would tell your new gal pal how many times you have called me and forced me to listen to what a pain in the ass she is, how she is sucking the life out of your already charred little body, how with each and every single self-absorbed tantrum she forces you to listen to in the middle of the night, that that she is making you want to crawl 6 feet under.
i would tell you that every night when i say my prayers that i faithfully pray for your cock to be bitten off in your next sexual encounter. i'm waiting patiently...
i would create a website and publish the hell out of it. the site would feature you as the asshole that you really are. it would also have a bright flashing link that would take your viewers to an archive of how many sexually transmitted diseases i think you should have acquired by now.
i would tell you that even after all of this, i still love you. i love you for the scum-sucking bastard you are!
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020903
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?
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literally this time...
i would play with them, because i love the way they feel in my hands.
i would want to be double-jointed so that i could take them into my mouth.
it would mean that i have a dick, which would enable me to wrap my fingers around my own long, hard shaft and pump it until the cows came home. this is where that double-jointedness would also be a plus, because then i would never need a girlfriend.
i would often grab my crotch in front of females, just for the obscenity and/or maleness of it.
i would shave them if they were hairy, just to feel the bare-nakedness of them.
i would coat them in raspberry sauce and make my lover lick them clean.
i would spread my legs, bend my knees, and then rock back and forth just so that i could feel them swingin'.
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021230
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sabbie
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my underpants would lump out all funny
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021230
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pontifier
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I have balls, but I'd like to ask a question of the person who signs their name '?.' Are you talking to me? That's all I want to know.
Oh yea, and while we're on the subject, why is it that many guys boast of having 'big balls?' My balls are medium sized just like my ears, and even so, I find that they get caught in painful predicaments. I'd venture to bet that larger balls would hinder rather that help me make a happy life for myself.
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021230
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?
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and just who is 'me'?
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021230
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new
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if i had balls i'd piss on a wall. now that's what i call freedom.
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021230
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screwing for virginity
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even without balls i think you can get an adapter or somethng for that.
btw, having balls is not all its cracked up to be.
example: being kicked there really, really hurts.
example: having them hang out our boxer when you answer the door in the morning, and you dont notice.
example: sitting on them really really hurts
so take my advice, if you dont got'em, you dont want'em.
but i wouldnt give mine up for the world.
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030101
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scuzz
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bitter sweet passion.
*No other comment*
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030101
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poopie
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I have balls.
Bouncy balls.
Saggy balls.
Iron balls.
Dragon ballz.
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030101
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pipedream
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t'would be quite the hassle to KEEP 'em, y'know? extra baggage, where'd i put 'em? hahahahhah
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030523
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unhinged
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i would tell him when he says things that piss me off. maybe i won't talk to him for a day. maybe i should talk to him today because i still be pissed off enough to defend myself. i always end up saying things i don't mean when i'm angry though.
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030523
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niska
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you'd probably be a taller. and man-ier. and i'd find you more attractive, but i guess it doesn't matter because they just are what they are...
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030523
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lo
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i would be so excited...imagine having those funny little thing on my body...what fun...i'd use this opportunity to it's full extent
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030524
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shoccolo
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ouch - painful predicaments?
i have always found that short men have little balls,
this is not a bad thing - must be a testosterone thing...
LOL
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030817
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misstree desperate to avoid work
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i'd dip 'em in your soup.
bloop!
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030818
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Doar
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i'd finally be able to play bocce ball.
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050816
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Doar Doesnt Really Care
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or should that be bocci?
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050816
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?
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i would say that i absolutely despise unwanted advice, and usually the person that gives it. it's especially worse when in no way shape or form was advice even remotely asked for. if i don't pointedly ask for it then don't fucking give it.
also, there is a big difference between knowing and doing. just because i didn't feed the dog doesn't mean i don't know to feed the dog. maybe it just means that i don't like the fucking dog.
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060626
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rhin
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? = rhin.
oh i have them now. i nurture them like i would a newborn. lol. seriously this is probably my favorite blathe. my anger blathe. not angry at the moment, but give me time.
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101006
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rhin
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...and not everything said was entirely in truth. anger is nasty.
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101006
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unhinged
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i would tell you to fuck_off_and_die everytime you fly off the handle at me
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101006
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snook
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I would probably scratch em. And my voice would be deeper.
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101006
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Doar
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x
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131115
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epitome of incomprehensibility
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If I had testicles, I do not think I would be automatically braver.
Example. I have a "strong stomach": I don't throw up if I'm spun around. I can read on buses or hang upside down by my knees without feeling sick. In fact, between the ages of around 10 and 23, I didn't vomit at all, since I didn't catch the right kind of viruses during that time. That doesn't negate the fact that I'm awfully wimpy sometimes.
But then, what does that even mean, "strong stomach"? Strong stomach muscles wouldn't mean that you'd be any better at keeping food down, would it? Besides, you can exercise your abs, the muscles on the outside, but how would you exercise the muscles of the stomach itself so that it could get significantly stronger than anyone else's?
We don't get along very well, metaphor and I, do we... But if I were a dedicated literalist, I'd argue that "awfully wimpy" might mean insufficiently wimpy, and thus I'd sacrifice that phrase on the altar of clarity...
[metaphor alert! metaphor alert! this is not a drill! and it's not even used very well!]
[what, the drill? and does it represent a penis?]
[not this time! we don't know why we're not using capital letters! our internal security has been compromised! we're beset by Bakhtinian dialogics in a Chomskyean world! wait, wait - I feel the voice returning to the discourse like a dog returns to its vomit, probably to eat it - is that gross? I feel that it's gross! are women supposed to be less gross or grosser? or grocer? or or or or]
Connection re-established. Phew. Language is made of metaphor, after all, but I stand by my initial statement.
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131115
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e_o_i
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Google, the Great Satan, tells me that "Chomskyan" has no "e." If I had balls I'd know that already, or would I?
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131115
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e_o_i
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(I've never tried to hang upside-down on a bus rail from my knees while reading. I'd like to try that, but adults aren't supposed to have such perversely non-sexual desires.)
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131115
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unhinged
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they would've been freezing yesterday in that wind
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131116
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what's it to you?
who
go
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blather
from
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