des_and_the_notebook_nightmare endless desire the title makes it sound like a mystery. it was truly a nightmare though. there is this notebook that i write in with the friends i have left. we write and write and bitch about life. only 3 of us. we whine and complain. we don't gossip, though. it's just that we understand each other and accept all the crazy things we do to cope with life. . . +throwing up +cutting +etc.etc. there's particularly legnthy sections on suicide and while, we should worry for one another and we know we aren't good influences, we continue to write. continue to just hope that the other girls are alright. that it finally hasn't all become too much. well. crisis. someone has stolen the notebook. why? where? how could you let them? pay attention! jeezus. panic panic. all of our secrets revealed. and we will be the crazy ones. (i just want everyone to believe i have it all together) days later, it shows up. just randomly. and days after that, on a day i felt too miserable to attend school, one girl is called to the counselor's office and then another and on the next day, me. parents are informed. some drive to the school. pamplets are given, people are worried. they all think you can solve things like this. . . the same way you solve a math problem. _______ + _______ = happiness. if only it was that simple. one girls parents won't let her do anything. they check for signs of "self mutilation" just like the handbook says. she can't shut her door. they always make her eat. she can't talk to anyone. shut her in a box. a closet. for walls and she'll be safe. haha. they think they have control. if only they knew who is truly in control. it's a nightmare. we don't know who told the counselor our secrets-- the secrets we whispered to each with the upmost confidence that they would be safe on those pages. some student told the counselor and they tell other people. they tell them slowy and you feel the looks. or maybe i imagine that? maybe they've always stared at me that way but now i just notice. . . it was a nightmare. it is a nightmare. im so much more nervous all the time. shaking in classes, even now i can hardly type. so nervous so nervous. i can't breathe. where's my fucking inhaler? im so nervous. and there's sweat. i wake up in the night screaming and crying. and im just so nervous i don't even understand why anymore. i try not to stutter (studder) even. it shouldn't be this hard to live. what a nightmare. 031211 ... pipedream from experience: if you write something down, hide it well if you don't want anyone to see it. not being smug or anything, just a tip. talk to each other; nobody can show your words to someone else. and whoever told just might be genuinely concerned for you three...but hang in there. the closet is made out of love, even if it feels like a box there is well-meaning love wrapped inside the warp of the walls. 031211 ... endless desire i suppose i forget that maybe people care. it's just so much easier to think that they are out to get me. strange. 031212 ... magicforest happened to a friend of mine recently did not fare well what a paradox when the people who love you...love you 031212 ... oldephebe i am groping for the words..and then i know that looking across the barrier of gender and age..there is nothing that i can add but my honest empathy..hang in there endless..there is such a wisdom and eloquence to pd's words..i wish kindness and unconditional love could be sown into every heart..and not the echoes..of a shredded heart that bleeds out to the edges of all our words..and the eyes ringed by dark circles of despair..we are not unfit for this world even though we may think it at times..we are all babies born into a world of darkness and hurt and doubt..a soul in torment casts its dark shadow over us and chills us..recreates what is wounded in them in others..please hang in there endless..I'm sorry i can't offer you more.. 031212 ... x that's so awful. i'm so sorry. people who have never felt like you always have these very sure ideas about what can help and they're usually wrong. some of them don't even impose it on your because they care, but some of them do, and I guess that's important to remember. 031212 ... whitechocolatewalrus i always thought nobody understood. then i met lots and lots of people who seemed to understand, so many that i thought everyone understood. how wrong i should be, i found out, finding out, will find out. only some people know, other people grasp the general idea, many have no idea. to have the feeling that your life could be gone in an instant if you just... pulled out when the light was red, jumped from the building when the ground was so far below, taken the knife when putting away the clean silverware. not that i would or could ever go through with it. what would it be like, having your life gone, empty, nothing there, gone, no pain, no anything. so many people don't understand that life is just eating me away and i feel as though there is nothing i can do to stop it. how can they not know? apparently you are supposed to be able to tell your family, your parents, your elders how you feel and it will all be ok. the one time i tried to tell my family, i got the "you're not depressed. you're just tired. you'll feel better tomorrow." ha. why do i even try. i feel like they don't even care, don't want to take the time to care. but a part of me is glad they don't know. i think about the strange looks i would recieve, the fear everyone would have of getting too close in case i don't last through the night. i don't want to be treated with caution, i just want understanding. i can't tell anyone. understanding is not easy to come by anymore i realize. i can't tell anyone. will i ever be better? i hate this feeling. 031212 ... endless wait did i write that? oh no. just another person who feels the same. some days i have to open my eyes real wide and i realize that so many other people are hurting with me. i guess that's what i tried to do. . . talk to people who knew what i was going through. thank you guys for being so kind in replying- things are rough nowadays. that's the nicest way to say it, at least. hang in there, walrus. if i knew how to get through depression i'd give you advice. so i mine as well say whatever else does "it'll be better soon. one day." (?) i tried to sound reassuring. 031212 ... pipey wondering i've never been depressed as such so when i actually am i can't recognise it and just feel wretched. if i'm wretched, miserable and unnaturally quiet am i depressed? 031213 ... minnesota_chris Writing your thoughts is so damn sexy and cultured. Please don't stop. You will treasure those words when you are 40. The fact that your family and school wardens can't handle your strong emotions doesn't mean you should stop expressing them. 031213 ... Road positive sentiments Chris. keep true to yourself Timeless, the greatest person that can let you down is yourself. (yeah...meaningless crap opinion....sigh) Blue dreams Yearning. 031213 ... endless desire these notebooks are trully beautiful, i must say. the pages and covers are littered with quotes and drawings, paints and doodles, lyrics and cut outs from magazines we stole in french. who had an idea they made a french vogue? i suppose the more they say we need to stop, the more enthuisastic i am about continueing. it's my stubborn nature. they've only added a new thrill to life because now it's our job to create clever ways to write. it reminds me of harriet the spy. i read the book when i was little and loved the movie--i was just the right age when it came out but i doubt any of you where. she spies on neighborhood and friends and writes in this notebook about what they are doing. but then someone reads the notebook which acts more like a journal and it offends people. i hope they don't start checking our pockets and backpacks like her mean old teacher did :) it really is a great movie. pipe, i definately don't know what im talking about, but if you're miserable all the time and unnaturally quiet and if you start not enjoying all the things you used to really like doing before for no apparent reason, and things of that nature, then maybe you should have it checked out. i read this thing about people who have depression when they are younger but don't have it treated or worked on but just (grow) out of it, have a lot of trouble fighting depression when they are older. i don't know. 031213 ... pipedream thanks for that..i think it's just that since i've always been a generally happy person and indefatigably optimistic always, i've never really been depressed- or, to be honest, have had much reason to be. how-ever, i know for a fact that i have been, on occasion, depressed. it doesn't last long, just like my anger doesn't. these days are rollercoaster ones, only the highs are a little less high and the lows a little lower. t'will pass...everything does. 031213 ... minnesota_chris here's what little I know about depression and bipolar: Everybody has lows, but crippling, enduring, all-encompassing lows are a disorder. Some people on the other hand go from periods of depression/sleepiness/inactivity to huge bursts of joy, enthusiasm, sleeplessness. They call this manic-depressive, or more currently, bipolar disorder. Again, with psychology, it's more a description of symptoms than an actual syndrome; the signs, not the underlying root. 031215 ... pipedream sometimes i wonder what it would feel like to have a disorder...(not that i would ever ever *really* want to have one)..i think i've read 'girl, interrupted' too many times *lol* 031215 ... magicforest there is no rest for the weary eats her cake with milk 031216 what's it to you? who go blather from