about_no_reason no reason (I'm going to post this in blatherlj once my livejournal stops screwing up, but I thought I'd post it here too.) Recently, endless_desire mentioned in her journal that people don't often write about themselves in their journals, or write "journal-like" type entries. That comment struck me because, while I know she wasn't directly referring to me, I know that I'm definitely one of those people, especially lately. I've been avoiding writing about myself and my thoughts, for two main reasons: number one, comments that I have made in my journal that have been slightly depressing have actually made someone on my friends list who i know in real life (but not that well) uncomfortable. I know this shouldn't matter, I shouldn't have to censor myself, but sometimes it just makes life beyond livejournal easier. Number two: I'm just not good at revealing stuff about myself. Never have been. Too much risk of getting hurt. Even on blather, I tend to censor myself (and when I say censoring I also mean not posting when I feel like it), and I'm sure a lot of blatherers aren't even aware that I exist entirely. It's entirely understandable. Anyhoo. So I decided to try posting more personal stuff. However, instead of posting it in my own journal, I thought I'd give it a trial run here. (Actually, on blatherlj) Ease myself into it. What better place than blather (or blatherlj)? So here I go. For those who care, and those who don't, this_is_me. Hello. I'm no_reason. I find good grammar sexy, as you may have noticed. If you want to piss me off, spell separation like seperation, definitely like definately, or mix up there/their/they're. That'll do it. Anyway. I just finished my third year at York University in Toronto. I'm in fine arts, focusing mostly on music. I've been playing drums for the past eight years or so, and recently started classical and jazz percussion. I'm pretty much in love with everything percussion-involved, especially the vibraphone. I'm not sure what I plan to do with it, if anything, but I've decided I'd love to have a career involving music and little kids, because I love them both. There are programs where you can teach and play music with kids, and I think that would be an amazing job. I hope I'm qualified enough though. Practice practice practice. On that note, I'm a little obsessed with music. I'm not the only one, that's for sure. I play it, I listen to it, I try to understand everything about it. I know that sounds cliche and vague, but it's true. Half the time I don't think I'm good enough, though, which I'm probably not, because I don't practise enough. I also get shy about playing with other people, because I'm afraid I'll suck. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. Shy. Fearful. Self-involved. I remember reading those three "faults" of my birthdate years ago, and they've stuck ever since because they're so true. It's not to say that I'm stuttering and scared all the time, but these faults cause me to worry what other people think of me. I guess because I fear rejection and I'm so sensitive to getting hurt. I can't think of anything more counterproductive than acting the way I do, though, because I'm often so afraid that people won't like me for some reason, that I tend to avoid them or act aloof around them, which makes them not like me anyway. And it's always around people who I like the most; whose opinions actually matter. It could be a reason why I censor myself on blather or don't post too much. A lot of current and previous blatherers are some of the smartest, cleverest, and wittiest people (I can even tell from just the blue screen) that I've encountered, and 'scuse me, but that's kind of intimidating! Hehe. Well, it used to be. I've decided not to be intimidated anymore. I mean, really. Why does it matter? (I'm not exactly sure what spawned this surge of apathy, or release, except that I felt I needed to. I predict that even here I won't be nearly as open as I had hoped. Oh well. In time, in time.) I have good qualities too, really. I tend to notice and understand people a lot, and I'm intuitive and sensitive and funny. A lot of people tell me that I'm one of the nicest people they know. That's nice (har har) and flattering, but I find it kind of interesting and I'm not sure how true it is. At least, I don't think it's necessarily true in every sense. I am nice to people in general, because I think people who deserve it really deserve it. I like talking to people, I like relating to people, I like giving people chances. Because really, why SHOULDN'T people be nice? I guess that's just the way I look at it. It should just be something that's expected. This isn't to say that I'm never mean. If someone's being a dumbass, I'll probably treat them like a dumbass. I'm often sarcastic, and make my share of wise-ass comments. Be aware, I'm not always kidding. Nice with an edge? I don't know. I think a lot, and here I know I'm not the only one. I try not to think as much as I used to, because once I start I get all confused and can't stop and may realize in full effect that I'm unhappy. Yeah, I'm generally unhappy, but not in a really low sense. Sort of a dull, apathetic, things-aren't-so-good-right-now sense. But yeah, if I don't think about it, maybe it won't come to realization. Does that make sense? Probably not. I feel so disconnected with people sometimes, especially this year now that I have all these new people who I like who I can't really talk to much anymore due to previous awkwardness and stupidness. Well, I mean, I CAN talk to them, but we'll never be close friends or anything, which is hard to handle, because they're always there, and they know people I know. Also, because they're great people and I want them to know the real me, because I know they'd like me. I just want to start over so much sometimes. I can sort of try, but I don't know if I'd succeed, and trying takes courage. I don't know where I'd find that kind of courage. And I do have people that I'm friends with, yes, but with other people there's still awkwardness. Like I said, I think I might be able to fix it, but I just need to let go of me. If only it was so easy. And if I let go of that part, what else would leave with it? I've been dating a guy named *James* (I'm still not good with revealing names) for the past month and a half, and I've known him for over a year because he played guitar and upright bass in my jazz shop. We hung out a lot during the year and went to get food after shop and stuff. We got along well, and he was always very nice to me and we were on the same wavelength. At the beginning of the year, I started out liking this other guy. This guy is a writer and even though we hadn't talked that much, I felt a connection and I knew he did too. Some people you just know you're going to get along with and have stuff in common with. (eek! bad grammar!...oh, shut up, you. i mean me.) He possessed the ability to think more abstractly, which I related to, a big reason being because we're both writers. We had a lot in common on that level, but being me, I had trouble talking to him. I think a big part of that was also because he and I seemed sort of similar in that way. Anyway, yes, it was him for awhile but then Bill and I started talking more and I sort of liked him too. He made me feel good, and I was pretty sure he was interested, and with him it was just...easier. The other guy confused me all the time. So Bill and I hooked up, and I'm generally happy about that, because I do like him, but sometimes I wonder. He's not as much of an abstract thinker, which is fine in itself, but I find that sometimes he doesn't "get" me. As in, my humour and the way I think. He still accepts it (and often just calls me crazy), but I find that a lot of my favourite people are able to relate to me on that level, and don't find it all that crazy. Maybe my favourite people are just crazy. Actually, I'll change that to a definitely. And I feel really guilty saying this, because it sounds like Bill isn't one of my favourite people, but I still like being around him, and I miss him, and he treats me well. It's strange though, sometimes I like him, sometimes he pisses me off, sometimes I don't want to be around him, sometimes I think I love him, sometimes I miss him, sometimes I don't. I find that I don't miss him as much when I have other people and when I'm happier. I'm not sure that's a good sign; I hope I'm not just using him as a crutch of some sort. Because I know he loves me. He's a good person, and I really don't want to hurt him. I guess we'll see what happens next year. Getting up is hard lately. Motivation is hard to find. ...Crap, I didn't mean for this to sound so depressing. But it's good to get it out. And this doesn't mean I'm necessarily a depressing person. I love hippies. I love their attitudes, how they try so hard to accept everyone and everything. It can be argued that they unsuccessfully try and promote peace by sitting on their asses with their guitars and smoking joints, but I disagree. I think just their frame of mind and values are promoting goodness little by little. Creativity, harmony, acceptance...who can argue with those? Not me, that's for sure. ...It surprises even me that I can be so depressing and so idealistic at the same time. Every quiz I take tells me I'm an idealist. I guess it's true, because I do have faith in people and nature and hope that one day it can all work out. Maybe it's just that when it doesn't, I get hurt. I don't really expect it to, and I guess that hurts too. On a happier note, though, it's always a pleasure when it does. I like beer. I like weed. Shrooms are fun. I love warm weather. There is nothing better lying on the grass on a summer afternoon and basking in the sun. Even better if I have a pen and paper. I love faerie people and sometimes I wish I could just float away with them, wearing a soft pink dress and smiling at the sky. Thank you very much for listening and goodnight. 040503 ... no reason (oops!) ok, fine, his name's bill. 040503 ... mon . 040503 ... seventeen I love hippies too. "...It surprises even me that I can be so depressing and so idealistic at the same time. " yeah. ditto. I'm a faerie. or an elemental. whatever you want to call it. we're way more fun. 040519 ... no reason huzzah! 040520 ... phil bibliography 040521 ... no reason almost a decade later huh... i just went back to this, and saw the part about wanting to work with music and little kids. i forgot i'd been thinking about that. hmmm... 131115 what's it to you? who go blather from