ClairE And sometimes it feels like I actually don't care. 020211
blown cherry I get that too, for a time it all drops away, and I wonder if my obsessing had finally come to an end.
But then it all comes back.
I knew he never would in the first place, but for some reason, some tiny part of me thinks he should.

One of my friends totally lucked out. He doesn't love her because he's gay.
I wish I could be that lucky.

He doesn't love me because I'm me, and there's nothing there for a guy like him to fall in love with.

I could make up plenty of excuses and lie to myself about it to try and keep myself from feeling so amazingly small. I could say that he's still in love with someone else (j), or he's pining for someone who he was falling for who went away (r) and she'll be back soon too.
Even if any of that was true, it doesn't change the fact that he never loved me and never will, and I will always love him, time will just make it fade, not disappear.

I just wish his lust for me hadn't died as well. It was easier to bear him not wanting my mind when he did at least want my body.

And now he's going to her (f) birthday party. I doubt his lust for her has died, I don't know if it was ever satisfied once even, but he'll have trouble doing anything about it at her birthday since her longterm boyfriend will be there all night. I'd like to see him try. I'd like to see him have the shit beaten out of him for trying.

For not wanting me.
Photophobe listens in lectures its amazing the stuff you find on blather 020308
blown cherry just remember that sometimes a lot of it is worth ignoring. 020308
blown cherry particularly anything by that crazy chick blown_cherry 020308
natasha it seems I am not alone in my suffering in the same way 020308
werewolf as someone who didn't love...i can say...sometimes i want the shit beat out of me too 020309
CRO I remember something from "Men in Black"

Smith: "Well, you know what they say... better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all..."


Honestly, i think it's better to have not loved and never to try again.
misstree i've got enough torches still burning to burn down rome, and they keep me a little warm at night... some of them loved, some lusted, some, we just... it wasn't lust, it wasn't love, it was a kind of mutual disdainful worship, i guess... but it was something, and it will always keep me warm.

and I'll always have the scars on my hands from extinguishing the curtains, the sofa, the dog, after the damn torches got out of control.

that's okay. they make a pretty scar_garden.
blackie and i only cried once over it. 020309
yummyC he just thinks he does. 020309
blown cherry he_doesn't_want_me 020324
Syrope it was ok when he didnt love me because there was a girl from before he hadnt expected to come back around ...i mean, i've been there, i understand...it was never that good anyway...

it was ok when he, in his drugged and drunken stupors, told me how little he cared about me and how much he wished he'd never laid eyes on me. when i'm angry i don't usually mind

it was ok when he wasn't into girls that way...at least we could still be friends, still hug, still go to dances together, even check out guys together :) i loved him and he loved me, just in a different way

it was ok when we didnt realize how we felt for each other until a few days before we had to part ways, forever.

it's not ok when there is no reason, when i can't relate to his situation, when he hasn't mistreated me, when he still claims to like me, and when we're so convenient...thats when it hurts. he just doesnt love me because im me.
continuous ache i know this, but when has that ever stopped anyone?

but even in love, i am strong. raise a hand to me again.... i dare you.

small does not mean weak.
blown cherry he didn't,
but maybe now he does
pralines&cream I tell myself over and over,
day after day,
night after endless night.

"He doesn't love me"

"Stop hoping, stop pretending, stop dreaming and wishing and wanting and yearning"

He doesn't want what I want
::what I [think] I want::

so I try my best to stay

and keep "hope" at a minimum.
dani and he'll never understand. any of this. he'll keep using me and using me. and i'll keep giving in. all he has to do is snap his fingers. and i'll be at his feet begging for more. 030321
dani and he'll never understand. any of this. he'll keep using me and using me. and i'll keep giving in. all he has to do is snap his fingers. and i'll be at his feet begging for more. 030321
pipedream lookin in in-teresting. freud would have a field day. 030321
futile but he does, and that's what makes it so hard 030322
splinken baby, whoever said girls_don't_stalk ? 030322
sylphide Maybe you're dreaming?
Maybe it's all on his terms?
Maybe you don't really know what's going on ?
Maybe he's pursueing all his fantasies with someone else?
Did you ever consider that girl?
emmi i switch from blaming myself, hating myself because there must be something about me that makes me unlovable

...to hating him, because he's stupid enough to say no to me, goddammit he doesn't know what he's missing

eitherway i guess i'm in the wrong...love is not rational, yada yada...but my mind needs a rational explanation.
one of these days i'll die looking for it.
girl I resisted writing here for months. And right now I have nothing nice to say so I'll stop here.

Well, I tried to stop.
What makes you think I'm being anything other than civil? I'm not one to so easily forget the past, and I'm not willing to overlook one tiny byte or one moment of your embarrassing behaviour without some kind of apology.
just another stupid_girl and I'm really kind of okay with that, on some level

not an emotional level, where if he had a girlfriend who was not me I'd be happy for him and not jealous at all
(not that good)

but, you know, if he didn't act so goddamned weird sometimes, like he's happy to see me or something and smile so much, so I can ascribe meaning that isn't there to what he does...

I don't know what, but, it, might be easier or something. Yeah. Sure. Damn. I'd love for him to love me, and I can accept that he does, I hate the ambiguity where I have to remind my self every ten seconds at a smile
he doesn't love me
he doesn't love me
he doesn't love me
never has
never will
it's okay, really
phil I feel like saying sorry all the time
I feel like making love to you
How am I supposed to love you without effort
I don't want to dispose of your love
I want to protect what you care about
I need you to love me before I can love you
Sorry I jumped to conclusions
I knew it was wrong to do
but that's why I said it so softly
but if I didn't something would have been destroyed
spend time with me and you'll see
love is always so close to the surface
it won't hide forever
witchesrequiem Ask him the difremce between love...and being in love?

the response will make your day or shatter you very being.
iNsEcUrE_GoTh_GiRl 'a twin soul is created everywhere for everyone.'

I read that in a book today.
it's either in 'The Alchemist', '1984' or 'Girl Interrupted'. I forget which.

You can tell just through that comment that there's going to be a self-absorbed, self-pitying and whining story of woe behind this, so I'm going to do the world a favour and stay silent. Make it up for yourselves. Reciting tired concepts over and over like a mindless parrot has taken up enough of my life already. I don't see the need to repeat them here, although I have done before, and probably will continue to do so in the future.

Make up a tragic love story of soulmates that don't live happily ever after. Regardless of what you picture, you probably won't be far wrong.
iNsEcUrE_GoTh_GiRl I've got the quote wrong and i can't be bothered to change it. It's something along those lines, anyway. I'm too ill to be thinking. I shouldn't really be allowed near technology with this lack of intelligence. 050128
phil Following the crisp rustle of leaves you you spot a hare munching underneath a tangle of shrubs.
You take steady aim and fire only to spot in the last moment your Prince Charming sneaking up on it. You narrowly miss your target and stick O'studly 1 right in the junk with your barbed arrow head, severing all hopes of a life spent in love.
You spend years drinking, trying to avert your woes, until you finally realize, you just need to let go. You start your AA meetings, your group leader is this hunk. Mr.Right#2. After a while you are lucky enough to spend some time alone. He comes over to your place, you give him some wine, and he drinks, he relapses. Of course you can't tell right away what has happened until he becomes abusive, until he leaves you in a fit of rage.
Looking for support in your life you become reaquainted with your first true love, and meet his brother.
He is dashing, and extra ordinary. but mild tempered. But alas, he is gay.
norren i hate him because i can't have him
and i hate him because he allows someone else use him the way i never would
he only loves things so he can see them break but, i am already broken
what's it to you?
who go