love_dismembers_hours blueberries in the exhausted night, sleep has taken me a willing prisoner, blind to the groping assault upon my beautiful girl reposed next to me, she who radiates instant warmth is soft and yielding, even in the unknown dream when love dismembers hours and responsibility brings us yawning and stetching into reality. 011116 ... unhinged into tiny little seconds sharp as knives so sharp that lives hang in the balance what we do for hugs and scars lost in need she said his eyes left the marks he stared too intently at the needle i guess i was wrong 021213 ... frAnk (blueberries) david left leigh there behind the closed bathroom door. left her to her cosmic tears, her bitter acquiescence he accepted her rejection like a bird being driven south by the cold winds of approaching winter. karago touched his shouder to stop him. david did not stop, nor did he turn to acknowledge him. he was empty of hope, with nothing present to contain love. he was full of regret, with too much sorrow to contain love. he opened the door and as he stepped forward, it was like he was a boy from kansas stepping upon the yellow-brick road with his little dog. he from the world of black and white into the colorful, happy world of landweirdplace. would he ever see leigh again? if he did, what would it mean to the present state of his life? he walked to his truck and looked distractedly at the mud in the back. there was a lonely shovel from when he had scooped compost out of it into the pile reserved for the tulip beds. he was hot with rage. the anger of self failure. of the hour of dismembered love. 021213 ... unhinged 'is he gone?' 'he is getting into his truck.' leigh walked over to the window and watched; waited for him to look over his shoulder. he pulled away without ever seeing her face framed in the window. she knew that it was wrong to let him leave; wrong to deny him any explanation. she knew that eventually everything would turn bad. earlier experience had taught her that so many times that she didn't want to ruin david. she wanted to leave him with love still in her heart; love that would last forever even if it was dismembered from the time, the place, the passion, the reasons...for a short time in her life she was truly happy with him and she didn't want it to be further stained. her stomach and her head ached for just a little bit of disconnectedness. did she have her bowl in her purse? 'i think i need to go back to my apartment.' 'will he not be there?' 'no. he is gone forever.' 021213 ... frAnk he could never be gone forever for leigh lived on in his heart, even as a phantom. he started the truck and put the defroster on high. he waited a moment for the windscreen to thaw. and this is when leigh entered his daydreams. as the fragrance of the last time she was in his arms, so strong he had to throw the white oxford shirt in the dustbin to squelch the evidence of his infidelity . naked, completely, it was still their first night. she wanted to be without any layer between him. he loved to look at her full breasts, the curve of her ass. her belly ring. he sighed heavily as if the air he breathed was the remembrance of her kiss, her eyes locked. he could hear the strings, violin, cello, viola. pheloung's composition, selected for the hilary and jackie film soundtrack. he drove away, noticing leigh's car, a black saab, parked askew, as if she was in too much of a hurry to concern herself with street etiquette, the same car she would drive him in to saks fifth avenue in the city, for european lotions. "this is fucked," he told himself at last. and he knew there would be tears and much sadness before she became a scar on his soul. 021214 ... unhinged 'do you not want any orange juice?' 'no.' karago's brow folded in his puppy dog pout. 'i'm sorry kar. i am really sick. i don't think my stomach would appreciate it.' 'well at least take some of it with you.' 'ok.' he poured most of it in an empty two liter bottle he had on the counter and left himself one glass full. he opened the drawer next to the sink and pulled out a mismatched cap and screwed it on tightly. 'oh by the way, i picked up your car from your apartment last night. i forgot that i did that.' 'how did you get the keys?' 'oh nevermind that.' he handed her the bottle of orange juice and his troublesome smile came back. 'do you think maybe i could draw you before you leave?' his hand tugged at the knot in the belt of the robe. leigh almost dropped the bottle of orange juice but caught it before it hit the ground. he still smiled his chesire smile. 'where are my car keys karago?' 'so that is a no?' 'uuhh..i...pppffff..' 'yes, that is a no.' he walked into the bedroom where leigh was putting on her clothes and handed her the keys. before she pulled the shirt over her head, she held her hand out and she noticed his hand jerk towards her waist. she looked away. 'thank you.' 'you are welcome.' as she walked out the door he called after her 'do not get too stoned.' she could never play those games with him. she got in her car and opened the glove box. she opened the little wooden fold up bowl but there was nothing in it. she looked in her stash pocket in her purse. nothing. nothing but fresh squeezed orange juice and she could still faintly taste the vomit in her mouth. she should have known that karago would be nothing but trouble. she looked up and he was watching her from the window. she started up the car and drove away. 021214 ... frAnk the next day, david had not driven far when he stopped at a small grocery store. his girlfriend was in the car as he stepped to a pay fone and dialed leigh's cell fone number. she answered on the second ring. "hello." "i need to see you." "it's always what you need." "i want you." "i hate you." "i'll meet you at the hunting cabin?" "oh david.......(long pause) ........ok." 021223 ... unhinged she walked in the door and there were two pairs of shoes on the mat; big black work boots and a tiny pair of hiking boots. she listened with the door open and could only hear the water running in the back of the cabin. she walked back outside the door and pulled it shut standing on the porch. the more she thought of his demanding her to come here the angrier she got. why did he ask her to come here if he already had a girl with him? if it was even his stupid threesome trick again...or even worse, him rubbing something in her face; she walked to the car and put the key in the ignition. good god she was so fucking stupid. this was the one thing she wanted to avoid; she could feel her heart constricting around the place that used to love him like a python. and her anger would squeeze and squeeze and squeeze and til there was no love left. and she started to cry; fuck him. she punched her steering wheel and accidentally honked the horn a few times. the front door opened. she could see a pretty little blonde framed in the door backlit by the windows that ran along the back of the cabin wrapped in a towel. david looked at her and ran to the car. she had stopped crying and her face became set in a cold expression. 'get out of the car leigh.' she just looked at him. 'or at least roll down the window.' no movement; 'leigh' he was begging again. by this time he was standing right next to the car and could have opened the door but he felt the cold fury building on the other side of the door and decided it would be better to keep it pent up inside the confines of the car. she put the car in reverse, mouthed the words 'fuck you' and drove off. ..... as she drove down the road that the driveway emptied out onto, she reached across the front seat and opened the glove box. she pulled out her dugout; she wasn't going to make the trip all the way up to the cabin without any weed. she jammed the onehitter down into the hole and ground it with one hand; she had perfected the art of one-handed smoking/driving when she was a teenager living in her parents' house; it was like riding a bicycle. it came back to her quickly. a few onehitters later, the tears came back quietly and quickly. she knew he would be the first one to move on. her cell phone rang and the caller id couldn't register the phone number and she knew it was him. she let it ring. it rang five times before her voicemail picked it up. she stepped on the gas; it was a long ride to make back and forth without really stopping. 021224 ... unhinged david_and_leigh 030610 ... mmm mmmm? mmmmm. 040317 ... stork daddy and buries them in my couch cushions and glove compartment and closet and eyes. a scrapbook of infection. a pathology of lost days. 040317 ... Syrope i still dream of lips i never should have kissed 040318 ... x fuck love 040319 ... Mr. Happy Oh when you say it like that you get me excited. 040319 ... stork daddy there are some people who need to experience it more than others. 040319 what's it to you? who go blather from