i_say_your_name somebody i_cover_you 030817 ... somebody i_say_the_word 030817 ... alittledoseofdefection i say your name, but you don't hear me the way you used to. my very voice seems to grate on your last nerve, my presence seems in turns to bore or infuriate you. i feel dead inside, and i wish someone would do me the favor of driving too fast and drunk one night while i'm walking. why can't fate point it's finger at me since i'm such a useless waste of flesh? why can't the park that's infamous for stalkers, killers and god knows what other forms of monstrous entities take me as a victim and let me disappear? i'm tired of begging a friend i've had for 20 years to spend time with me again. i'm tired of a mother who is only concerned about me when i have a break down, screaming and cursing and crying. only when she thinks i might somehow hurt or hospitalize myself again, but if it's not to that extreme, please shut the fuck up when her football game is on. i'm tired of having no one to talk to because the one person i can talk to i inevitably fight with because the questions i ask him are the questions i can ask a friend but not a lover. or because he has been out of a relationship so long that he's not sure what to say or because he's gone so long without feeling and i've fallen so far from being perfect, physically, mentally, and emotionally in his eyes, the only eyes that matter, that i hear annoyance, anger, and feel utterly despised instead of loved more times than not when i talk to him these days. and because when i show him this, which i will, to try and tell him how i feel, to try and invoke his empathy and his heart, i will instead fall that much further from the grace of him and incur instead his wrath and disgust. i remember him telling me not so long ago that i could do no wrong in his eyes, and that he has wanted me for so long that to have me would be joy immeasurable. i have these words, they're trapped in these pages and printed on paper saturated by my tears because i only long for all that has been said about his love for me to once more be true. for me to somehow magically go back to that time when my looks were beautiful and perfect in his eyes and when my words were understood and felt not with anger, but with love and harmony because he truly knew how i felt. i wish i could go back to the time when if he couldn't get ahold of me for five minutes it was the end of the world, or when he was full to brimming with praise instead of calculated responses. 060104 ... alittledoseofdefection you don't realize how much your words can cut me so much deeper than a blade ever has. tonight you sliced again, get off your ass, i'm to blame because of the coke. i know. but yet you cut me again. last time this situation happened it was because of the bryan thing and that was my fault (only it turned out later that you finally understood), but to make you care about me again and show that empathy and compassion, i prayed for months for something horrible to happen to me, because even sympathy was better than nothing. but i fucked up. i wasn't specific enough and i got word that that friend of 20 years is dying. but for awhile after that news, you treated me with newfound care. but i freaked about the news and did (and still do) blame myself for her dying because i made a stupid request for something bad to happen to me so i could once again receive your unblemished love. so with that guilt i slipped into an old habit...coke. i put it before us and this was my fault. but you see i didn't care because all that time you spent angry with me for the bryan thing when you never even knew the real story and didn't care to hear it, and because my prayer signed my best friend's death warrant. so why should i care if i became a cokehead, i was going to lose her and i had already lost everything good with you because of bryan. so i didn't care. i fucked up. but i've been making it right and i feel no love from you although you say it. so i once again have sent up a prayer. this one is a little more specific. i prayed to be hurt, hospitalized, car accident, attacked, i don't care. i want something horrible to happen to me. something that will force you to see life is frail and can be broken at any minute, and if you really loves me then you're just wasting time holding this grudge against me when you doesn't even know how much time we have tomorrow. i could be dead tomorrow. although i didn't pray for that i don't guess it would be so bad. you wouldn't have to listen to me cry or get on your ass about the fact that i feel totally alone and completely without hope. i'm hanging by a thread of care. i'm ready to just not give a shit, so maybe if i was dead things would be better. my heart wouldn't be re-broken every day. i tried to talk to you tonight, i exploded, crying with emotion, deeply hurting, and you responded with the usual, barely concealed apathy. every time i realize that that is how you feel about me, my heart breaks all over again. so maybe death would be better. i have made mistakes and done things that i am ashamed of, but why am i below forgiveness? am i that low of a human being? have i done things that are so heinous...have i gone so far that i deserve no love, no light, no compassionate ear to tell my problems? no empathic, crazy in love, obsessed, open hearted you? i made a mistake...if it (and all the others i've made not pertaining to you) add up to a sum that's unforgivable, then death would be welcome. i've already lost my best friend emotionally and will lose her physically as well....am i now to lose the love of my life, my heart, and my home? tossed out on the streets because for a couple of months i lost faith in everything and decided that happiness lay in getting fucked up? as i recall you've been through that (although not while you were with me) and it lasted much longer, but here you are on the other side and you cannot forgive me for september to november losing it and deciding to get fucked up? but then i did quit and i haven't touched it since. how many ways can i say i'm sorry, and out of all the sins there are, certainly there are many more despicable than that. yes, i put coke before you and your happiness, and i'm sorry. you put what you wanted to believe about bryan before the truth and my happiness. i had to deal with that by myself because you couldn't or wouldn't hear what actually happened. i forgave you for thinking i was a slut instead of understanding that i was almost raped while passed out. we've both made mistakes, i shouldn't have drank so much that night, but that didn't make bryan justified in trying to do things with me while i was passing out and it didn't justify you thinking that i was just some tramp that cheated on you. i forgive you, why can't you grant me the same courtesy. i told you i wouldn't bother you anymore with these thoughts, that i would put them in blather instead, so here they are. i won't send them to you or otherwise upset you AGAIN by mentioning anything that might cause you to think about these things that you desperately want to merely FORGET, when FORGIVENESS is also necessary if our relationship is to survive. they will remain unspoken, merely written here for strangers to read. i hope one day you read this and understand just how badly you've hurt me. because i know that this time is my fault but how many times are you going to turn to stone with a different excuse every time. first bryan, then coke, now because i won't drop it. maybe you don't really love me and you're just trying to get out of this. if that's the case i wish you would just dump me and leave me. i feel you want to do it every time you raise your voice to me. what are you waiting for? 060104 ... three words i_say_your_name aroused_ponderings everyone_is_the_same 110411 ... auburn I say your name when no one else is around just to see how it tastes. I like the way the tongue ends up at the top before it falls gently to let the final sound out. It's such a pretty word. Maybe because it means YOU. I don't know when I'll ever stop loving you. 110412 ... unhinged and it clenches my stomach twists my heart tears fall 110412 ... unhinged and it feels like a swear word 110503 ... unhinged still my stomach gets fucked 120130 ... heartfeltsuperego i never say your name 140830 what's it to you? who go blather from