this_moment_belongs_to_change endless desire im the type of person who makes a new reform nearly everyday: i vow to do this, i swear to do that, but it's mostly just words and talk. that's not to say that im not sincere-- i mean every word whole-heartedly. but truly, they're as thick as water and as firm as cool sheets-- each utterance holds the weight of a thimble, and the true importance of the very expanse we blog and bitch and moan on. it takes something life-shattering, colour-shocking, system-altering to really create any lasting change. and, even still, i revert to old habits, finding them second-nature years later. i can hardly use the words that begin in 're': recover, reform, revolution, because i only return to that which i fought to hard to rid myself of. so all the days i swore to live a life of sobriety-- something good and clean and pure (or at least, in appearance) it was (most likely) merely talk as thick as water and as firm as sheets. [however, i do say that about every bad habit ive thrown in the closet of the past--from cuts and scrapes of my own making, to ribbons down the throat and pounds on the kitchen floor, to excess amounts of american garbage and unhealthy habits galore. even now, i know they could all "revert" just as quickly (or pain-stackingly slowly) as they left my side] however, as i said before, a shattering experience does alter ones perception of things. thus, i wish to state, in the midst of my fellow bloggers (enemies and friends alike) that the substances i foolishly (and willingly) placed in my body for the last eight months will no longer be a part of my life from this day forward. these words may hold the weight i honor them to, or they may be as useless as a politicians promises, but i think the events of this last week have open my eyes to the state-of-mind i wish to exercise and the life i hope for myself. (dare i say hope?) im tired of exchanging my present for some cheap version of revelations-come-easily-- a child-like landscape of simplicity in its most complex state. if i cannot learn to deal with my life in its true form, than do i even deserve to live it? i want to deserve my life and the possibilities i've been given--not waste them upon self-indulgence. to others, these things might hold a different consequence, but to me they were just foolishness at its most ridiculous extent. sure, i will not argue that they opened my consciousness to far-fetched places-- taught me roads and lessons and distant things. i saw colours i didn't know; found adventures i couldn't see; and met the most bizarre people this side of LA. but now that i know these things and have exercised these possibilities, ive decided that they can be attained, and should be attained, without fucking up my brain, ruining my mind, and succumbing to mediocrity. i want to recognize my life. i want to recognize my friends. i want to recognize my achievements, and failures, and shortcomings. so this moment belongs to change, and change will forever belong to tomorrow. and tomorrow is exactly what i want. ------------------------------------- *i wrote this last august. i guess my words mean as little to me as i thought they did. endless_desire is one big fuck_up 061025 ... Christ without the cross This moment and every moment forward belongs to change. Change is slow endless desire and we must be patient with ourselves. Yeah we are screw ups but one thing i admire about people is that they keep trying. I do not want to waste my life as well so i have been making steps to using it wisely. it is a slow process but i have faith that i will reach my desired goal. You have a deep way of stating things. You have a very elegant and beautiful voice. I have much respect for you because of it. 061025 ... endless desire thanks for the encouragement. i can't say i haven't learned a hell of a lot since then... and i'd like to think im somewhere near the top of some long upward climb that's going to give me a break for a while if i just keep... well, allowing change, i guess. it's too easy to rely on something steady and become complacent, but when the world shakes and i can hold my ground for a bit longer than the last time, maybe things are getting better. i don't know. i could be full of shit right now. fuck, we all are. 061026 ... Christ without the cross Nah, you ain't full of shit. i feel you. I am beginning to appreciate the pressence of struggle in my life. My muscles tear but they regrow stronger than before. I get up faster. And the next time it is harder to get me down. We ain't full of shit. We just trying to work out all the kinks. A day might come when we can speak and we won't be hypocrites because we don't live what we say. i want that day to come. 061030 ... Christ without the cross I can’t think of a poetic way to say this It is late and my mind wonders I can’t fake depth I do not find it deep to let my heart waste away inside of me I do not find it deep that I have lost any true passion Living a life that is not my own I can’t think of a clever way to say that I wish to meet myself That the person who would wake up this traveling circus corpse Is a man I never met Yet I carry his name For he is me And I am him But we are not the same I can say that I have caught a glimpse of him I can say that he is everything I wish I could say And as loving as I wish I could be If I wasn’t afraid If I could truly meet him I would not hold him back I would not judge him I would not call him less than perfect For he is every thought left unsaid Every action left undone Every truth left unuttered What metaphor can I give to him He is a fire burning behind a curtain Unable to spread to far Burning but never exploding into sight Its flame can barely be seen I have no poetry Only truth I wish I could be like you 061030 ... sab and this moment and this moment and this moment too 061031 ... Lovers Lament this moment belongs to change. this moment belongs to us starting our lives over again together. this moment belongs to cutting down whatever stands in the path of our happiness no matter how selfish that sounds. we DO deserve to be happy, the past is the past. this moment is about me being strong enough to turn my back on a lifelong friend if i have to because she seems intent on not only sabotaging our life together, but my life as well. this moment is about settling down. this moment is about no more blackouts, no more cops, no more judges, no more jail time, no more psych wards. this moment is about settling down. this moment is about peace, about no longer running the streets, about no longer doing what makes everyone else but us happy, this moment is about love. this moment is about settling down. this moment is about a love that has spanned lifetimes, and against all the odds, all the cards stacked against us, we prevailed. this moment is about settling down. this moment is about us living together, making each other stronger, lifting each other up instead of breaking each other apart which is what we are both accustomed to. this moment is about settling down. this moment is about me wanting to marry the most loving, wonderful, gentle (but strong when he needs to be), understanding, beautiful man. this moment is about us. this moment will last beyond time. this moment will still be this moment when all the stars have twinkled out and the sun darkens it's face. i love you Ace. this moment is about US. 061101 ... Rogue the flowers are at your doorstep, im waiting for your call. stop this pretending and live our lives like the dream it is. not the shadow we've had to make it. bursting into the sunshine and singing at the top of our lungs. this change is about to come, and it's all about us. I love you, love, you. ...there, i said it, so let everyone know. I dont care... 081125 what's it to you? who go blather from