look_at_me_kill_what_is_beautiful endless desire another poem about how the world is crashing down. no need to read it. it's just like the rest, you see. slowly, she has single handedly destroyed the beauty they had. everything she wanted them to be, everything she wanted to have everything she loves. he said, "sometimes i have trouble convincing myself it is still worth it." she never thought she'd hear him say those words. sometimes, her mind pleads. sometimes is not forever. sometimes is human. sometimes is natural. sometimes needs hope. while the conversation ended on a good note, and he reminded her she won't disappear in the shadows if she gets too close, she is missing the light. and all those nights she hated and all those nights she tickled her throat and caught what poured out in her plastic bowl and all those nights she slipped the scissors by her arm and did not say a word all those nights killed them. she killed them. she destroyed what was beautiful. lost for words, lost for hope, lost for direction, she twiddles her thumbs. and sways, as usual. the hole grows in her stomach and it cannot be fed by food alone. the hours pass as she grows more and more proud, while her grandmother asks, "are you sure you're not hungry? did you have a late breakfeast?" "sure. sure grandma, i had a late breakfeast." and her father asks, "girl, are you sure you're not hungry?" "i had a late lunch." she is late. always late. and her own self hatred burns a hole through their relationship, like her own hunger burns in a hole through her life. she promised she would try she promised she would change but she can't get herself to it up in fear that dreams_do_come_true. this living nightmare. and she can hear him sing, "i'm_only_pretty_sure_that_i_can't_take_anymore" just like she wondered the very first night when they thought they had no chance to fight against the world. oh how's it gonna be? she is sorry. she doesn't know what is right anymore. and she pleads for direction. someone help me. someone save me. i can't anymore he can't anymore and now i've slowly ruined everything i've loved. and while, she tries to keep the conversation sweet, she knows it will fall back on hate again. she cries as she types when she thinks of the dreams where she cuts off her skin and shave it down until she is just bone. and she awakes in a bed full of blood, pulls the covers up tight so no one can see what she's done and cries. fades in the sheats. and cries. a puddle of sorrow. that evaporates like the boy and the girl are. something must save them. oh because he just can't take anymore. and she's not even here anymore. unless she's dreaming. drowning.screaming.wakemeupfromthisnightmare.imsorry.pleasejustdontleavewhenineedyoumost. everyone always leaves when i need them the most. but you're not everyone. you gave sometimes hope and you told me i shouldn't blame myself. then you promised. 030621 ... me again that is, im_only_pretty_sure_that_i_can't_take_anymore 030621 ... Dafremen She leans knees against her chest with a wall at her back and yesterday on her mind..tommorrow spinning black-thorned out of view, she loses her grip as it tightens her legs against her while her heart gasps for life. She lives here now because of you E.D. Thanks. 030623 ... x i find this poem/prose to be very genuine. i appreciate that. 030623 ... endless desire genuine. that means a lot to me x. it really does. and well daf, i am not sure if i should ask. i've been debating all day and now i have finally have the courage. you see, daf. i really want to know what you are talking and wonder if i even should know and i know i am going to regret asking, you see. i am really just curious because i really don't even know what you thanked me for, but. . .well yeah. 030624 ... Dafremen Yes, she did. She felt less lonely that way. Even though it didn't make things like they were in the beginning, the solitude was still more personal...more relevant than being the other half of his "I guess so" couple. 030625 ... endless desire I wish I understood. 030625 ... x my interpretation is that he's talking about you in the third person, as you did in your poem. this makes you into a sort of virtual entity on this blathe. 030625 ... endless desire she finds the pillows most comforting when she can turn to them and scream into their cases. her cousin told her once to paint her room blue, when she herself planned on painting it a deep red so that she would be calmed and relaxed by the colour, so she finds it ironic now that she is screaming at her blue pillows, curled on her blue blanket in her slightly lighted pale blue room clutching her knees with all she has in her. blame.shame.guilt.hate. 'if my mind was ever beautiful, i have murder that, also' she breathes, slowly remembering how. she loosens her grip of her knees and absentmindly begins to rip up the sheet of paper her fingers found on her bed along the edges. it always comforts her to rip. stretching her legs, she twirls her left ankle rested on the bars where she lays. mental against skin, cold clear simple. she is not even really trying to starve herself anymore. . . it's just that she doesn't care, why get up? why eat? it will only make you unhappy. you know that. and a small voice in her head reminds her that even if she stopped breathing, she would not notice. she plays stories in her mind. . . better to fill herself with another life that waste time on her own. a waste. yet another side of her pleads and questions why are you giving in? why aren't you trying? please just try. she hardly recongnizes this voice though she is sure she heard it only a few days before. push push leave me alone. another voice appears and hates her and speaks, sit there. feel sorry for yourself. i suppose that is the most you can do with your time. 'no' she says defensively. but does not bother to change. always saying she could if she cared but she doesn't. the same words continue, you are nothing, don't you see? numb to the world. hah so maybe you are but you always will be and i will be here laughing at you, saying i was right all along. she is worthless. she is just feeling sorry for herself. stop feeling sorry for youself, she commands. you aren't worth your own pity. 030707 ... oldephebe See? What did i tell you? Good stuff endless desire the genuine cant't be denied - the genuine trek into the core of being begets these kinds of compelling soliloquys .. or poems 030707 ... endless desire puzzled. i am just being as honest as possible. not really trying to be poetic, just trying to get everything out at once. ive grown to hate these types of blathes because they all sound the same and they all seem to sink into one another. like im repeating myself really. but i am glad you think it is good. reassurance is my best enemy. 030708 ... oldephebe wordpurge cool - i get that but can we be transfigured by it? i say yea wordsplurge wordpurge enema for the soul 030708 ... oldephebe wait - reassurance is your best enemy? take a second perceive a possibility take some time take a rhyme take some time roll it over in your mind not to be presumptious or posit a perspective where none is asked but maybe its time for some inerior decorating from me the same guy who wrote Oh come death wing shadow take me into your equisite obliterating embrace fine a concession but still give yourself some credit 030708 ... oldephebe wait - reassurance is your best enemy? take a second perceive a possibility take some time take a rhyme take some time roll it over in your mind not to be presumptious or posit a perspective where none is asked but maybe its time for some interior decorating from me the same guy who wrote Oh come death wing shadow take me into your equisite obliterating embrace fine a concession but still give yourself some credit 030708 ... oldephebe wait - reassurance is your best enemy? take a second perceive a possibility take some time take a rhyme take some time roll it over in your mind not to be presumptious or posit a perspective where none is asked but maybe its time for some interior decorating from me the same guy who wrote Oh come death wing shadow take me into your equisitly obliterating embrace fine a concession but still give yourself some credit 030708 ... oldephebe to admin no i didn't already say it it hasn't posted yet I refer to response to endless desire - Wait reassurance is your best enemy? take a second perceive a possibity take some time, take a rhyme roll it around in your mind not to be presumptuous or anthing or posit a perception where none is aske for but you know maybe its time for some interior decorating yeah from me the same guy who wrote oh come death wing shadow take me into your equisitely oblitering kiss okay fine a concession but really give yourself som credit 030708 ... oldephebe to admin no i didn't already say it i hasn't posted yet tI refer to response to endless desire - Wait reassurance is your best enemy? take a second perceive a possibity take some time, take a rhyme roll it around in your mind not to be presumptuous or anything or posit a perception where none is aske for but you know maybe its time for some interior decorating yeah from me the same guy who wrote oh come death wing shadow take me into your equisitely oblitering kiss okay fine a concession but really give yourself som credit 030708 ... oldephebe yeah! hueristic corruption and throttled bandwith thingy and finally 5 posts of the same thing sorry for the redunt postings everyone but on my system it kept coming up blank like it hadn't posted and saying things like could not preserve page please refresh 030708 ... endless desire don't worry. i know the feeling. pushing the button and seeing the page coming up blank when the words were truly put there. i am usually blind to the whole mess, but it seems it is your computer who is blind in this instance. 030708 what's it to you? who go blather from