.. . 020702
sharkieandgeorge THESE ARE THE THOUGHTS

These are the thoughts that go through my head
in my backyard on a sunday afternoon
when I have the house to myself and I am not
expending all that energy on fighting
with my
Is he the one that I will marry
and why is it so hard to be objective about
myself why do I feel cellularly alone
am I supposed to live in this crazy city
can blindly continued fear-induced regurtitated life-denying tradition
be overcome

Where does the money go that I send
to those in need, if we have so much why do some people have nothing
still why do I feel frantic when I first wake up in the morning
why do you say you are spiritual, yet you treat people like shit

How can you say you're close to God, and yet you talk behind
my back as though I'm not a part of you, why do I say "I'm fine"
when it's obvious I'm not, why's it so hard to tell you what I want
why can't you just read my mind?

Why do I fear that the quieter I am
the less you will listen
why do I care whether you like me or not
why's it so hard for me to be angry
why is it such work to stay conscious and so easy to get stuck
and not the other way around

Will I ever move back to Canada
Can I be with a lover with whom I am a student
and a master, oh why am I encouraged to shut my mouth
when it gets too close to home, why cannot I
live in the moment

sharkieandgeorge Here are the thoughts that go through my head... I'm sure there won't be an order to them, but let's hope :)
I have a lot of things that i want to say to a certain somebody--my boyfriend--but i just can't. It seems like "the right moment" just never comes. It's not like i'm hiding anything bad, but i just don't think we really talk enough, i mean talk about important stuff. Sure we talk over the internet a lot and every so often on the phone, but i can't say "important stuff" to him when i can't see his face and his reaction to what i'm saying. Again, the things i want to tell him aren't trivial to our relationship, but.. I just wish i could talk to him without holding anything back. Like really talk. About things that i've kept hidden, little things.. But not really hidden... I just need an opportunity to tell him these things.. Things that only a friend would tell another friend. (not that we're not friends, but I, at least, can't seem to talk to him as a friend, i talk to him as a boyfriend.) But he's a wonderful person. He really is.. I just don't know what it is with me. I know he'd understand anything i told him. I know he'd never hold it against me or insult me or make me feel like i shouldn't have said anything. I guess it's just me then. Maybe i should talk to him about not talking to him.. (somehow, that seems like the solution, kinda.) Or maybe i really just don't get the opportunity to have a heart to heart.. It seems like when i'm ready to open up, he has to go. "sigh".. Nothing's wrong. I just don't see how it could be right.
sharkieandgeorge I sometimes wish that he would just come straight out and ask me to tell him things. But he wouldn't do that--those things are personal. It's not that he does or doesn't have the right to know, he probably just never thinks about it (maybe for a reason, maybe not.) Whatever the case may be, i guess it doesn't really matter anyways. I can't think of a reason why i'd want him to know anyways. When i think of it that way, I'm the one who doesn't make any sense. He's not inside my mind, he can't possibly know that there are some things i want him to know but never find the right opportunity to tell him.. How would you tell somebody that when you were 14, your 16-(or 17-) year-old cousin invited you for a sleepover. A sleepover with him. (don't get all grossed-out...there was no sex of any kind involved.. [question: am i wrong in having slept over with my cousin, in his bed? i feel dirty.. i feel like it's wrong. but nothing happend. really. i don't know why it bothers me so much..]) Another thing that bothers me that i wish i could talk to him about is my ex-boyfriend. 020702
sharkieandgeorge I wish i could talk to him about my ex- only because.. well i don't really know why i feel like i should be talking to him about it. Maybe just to get it off my chest, i guess.. But get what off my chest? The fact that i think he only used me so that he could satisfy his "man"-urges? We were both each others' first. (i don't mean in sexual intercourse, but in oral sex and the works..[touching, feeling, handjobs, fingering, etc, etc]) Now that i look back, 15 and 16 seem really young to be doing that kind of thing.. I would lye on his floor, pants and underwear pulled down, my top pulled up and my bra almost off.. he would sit on the couch in the basement, angled, leaning halfway on the arm, halfway on the back.. I was shy. I didn't know what to do. He helped me, guided me. (gee, i wonder how he knew so much about himself and the way he liked it..) Gave me my first kiss, made my wish upon a star come true one night after he walked me to my doorstep. We kissed. I loved him. But he said i should slow down. (the kissing) Then another time, he told me i wasn't doing it right. He kept instructing me. (oral sex) When i called, he never really talked. I knew he was always watching tv in the background. He would turn it up and i could hear it. He always pretended to listen, i knew he wasn't. Then things.. just changed. I'd still go over to see him and we'd still satisfy our early-teen-aged curiosities (we had to do it at least once every week..) but he wasn't as sweet or understanding as i thought he was. My friends told me that he was saying things about me behind my back. He didn't care anymore. I was slightly depressed for a while, but he didn't care. He said he was tired of me being depressed. How could i help it? I couldn't go to him for comfort, so i went to nobody. Eventually, after a whole two weeks of saying i would break up with him (encouraged by my friends for obvious reasons) i finally did it one day after school. We were at my locker, and we talked for a while, and he just said things weren't working out. I told him that i felt i couldn't talk to him about anything anymore.. He said he felt the same way. But he was the one to say "how about we take a break then". It wasn't really a question, it was more of a solution. So we did. But i knew it meant "we're broken up" not "we might get back together in time". There was no hope. I was crushed. It took me a while to get over him. Okay, okay, a long time to get over him. I would have these dreams about him.. Nothing sexual or horrible, but sweet dreams about him. Dreams where he loved me, where we spent a day, wraped up together in a blanket, lying on a mound of pillows in a scarcely lit room where everything was right with the world.
But then we started talking to each other again. As i soon found out, although i was fine, he somehow developed a slight mood disorder. (hmm..) Nothing to worry about. It only came every so often, he said, and the doctor gave him pills to take. I also found out that he still liked me, or at least the way i looked-- he admitted that he was still physically attracted to me.
sharkieandgeorge ..and maybe he still is. I don't know. We've stopped talking again, because i wouldn't tell him who the friend was that told me to break up with him. It just so happened, though, that one of my friends was also one of his friends.. a good friend, one who didn't want to see me hurt. (no, there's no conspiracy where the best friend gets the girl) So anyways, i didn't want him to break with his friend, and that was my reason for not telling him. As it went, i lied and said the friend was some other person he probably never even talks to anymore. (don't know if i was believed or not, but i did save a friendship in the process.) After that, he told me that he never wanted to talk to me again. Wow. Second blow, right to the heart. Before that point, there was still no chance of us going out again (i had another boyfriend by then) but at least we were starting to get a little closer. (just friend-closer, of course). I was crushed. There was nothing i could do about it, unless i revealed that friend. (and i wouldn't do that, no matter what.)
Anyways, to this day, all i ever heard from him after the whole ordeal were a few words, here and there. Less than general conversation, less than important. Just talk. Just words. Just blather.
sharkieandgeorge Well, that's the end of it. For now. Until i get my thoughts together again. It took a lot out of me to write all that.
I would really appreciate that the people who read all this and chose to comment on what i have written, here on blather, would please not judge me.. I don't mind your thoughts on the situations presented or the way somebody or myself acted, but please don't go right out and say something like: "you stupid she-bitch. you were wrong and stupid and a bitch" or something..
What i wrote was really personal and as i went on, it became more of a confession. A confession of circumstances which took up a great chunk of my early teen years. I have grown up and moved on, but the memories remain. Either to haunt me or to remind me. Sometimes both.
I poured my heart and soul out in this blather, something i've never had the courage to do before. i would really like it if this could be my place to write, but of course, this is everybody's place and i have no right to place restrictions on this free world. Interpret as you may.


girl_jane . 020703
Mahayana ill never share with anyone

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