m_o_n . i_am_not .. - not_a_thing "i'm nothing ignore me" 041125 ... . - the_world_a_dream "the dream a world" .. - i_hear_things "breaking in everything climbing down crescendo silence crash somebody speak please police! ...run jump the wagon play the stage" .. "flash and it is september wake up realizing i've been dragging my feet around summer i've been drowning in" - days_of_september .. "broken glass i remember how all my life i have loved this not wearing shoes just the earth and skin and nothing and no one to say otherwise and i remember once when i was really little dropping a glass bottle from the second floor window onto the cement below and then running down the stairs running outside walking my naked feet on the green sharp pieces just to see if they would cut" - after_a_while .. - on_not_looking_back "i can say little of what i just thought" .. - toss_it_around "it is only my everything" .. - i_want_to_taste "i want to travel_the_world i want to taste" .. - swim_me_in_blue "night warp me fair threads spin me in waves of waves dream me not this noise" .. - paint_stars_as_eyes "eyes as stars ...song_as_hand ...so i can see" .. - how_would_you_know_me "how would you have me know you how would you how would i" 041125 ... . - i met another me "meeting me collided with a shadow universe walked so far i found the edge i found the beginning of myself i walked so far ...i couldn't walk back in the dark" .. "filling the empty heart with hours tick tock tick tock the end of night morning will begin" - covering_the_silence .. "does this heartbeat mirror repeat reflect in sickness slow down up down lose momentum peak climb sink keep in this swimming standing still the same song" - a_double_rhythm_like_a_double_life .. - destined_to_dawn "i am eating at myself" .. "i will slumber i will fade like the leaves and the fire into sleep into snow ...i left my body in a bed i could crawl through walls but i couldn't open doors i was flying and in the air a barrier i couldn't pass it was the edge a skin i couldn't break i tried for days motionless there everything below and above and beyond such a strange sad play" - dream_me_this .. - dust_tea_tray_all "i am laughing hysterically i can't stop weeping i'm screaming at the top of my lungs loaded with all i can keep" .. "in my dream i was cold in my sleep" - it_was_cold .. - trying_to_find "my voice ...the path of crumbs field of mice ...future treasures buried a past life lost" .. - moth_to_flame "flame_to_moth" .. - the_hunter "the huntsman i a lone hare spotted fawn the hunter i remember the autumn alpine snows walking tracks" .. "eventually i_will" - sort_it_out .. "i'll never know what i can't understand i'll never understand what i know i'll never know" - never_know 041125 ... . -feet_from_under_me "fill my sail ...catch me if you can fall when i fall" .. - mind_if_i "don't mind" .. - what_is "the line between two worlds what is a locked door searching for a key a window set open to catch the breeze what it is to see and question what is what we make of it what will be ...what is how and why and when and where and then and there and so and every ...what is also ...what is always ...what is nothing ...what_it_is is what it is ...what it isn't ...what is happening" .. "i don't know where to" - turn to .. - scissors "trim the excess cut out the bad parts fashion me unique falling like a snowflake" .. - one_day_of_despair "nothing quite like cutting myself into pieces" .. "i miss what i can't forget i miss what i can't remember like wayward straying arrows never a certain target never a sure shot a perfect angle my enemies live on to fight another hour my allies bruised betrayed mangled from constant battle ...observing clouds snow the sky winter the alpine shores it's the good i try to remember the rest is forced sand through cracks 'tween fingers time melts into blood life keeps the living dark hides the past ...life is blue in vein it is magic in the mist colours of mystery sky as sweet as perfumed roses thorny hearts dreaming breath singing the body the vessel of wine" - death_of_each_day .. - she_saw_a_cloud "actually she's really nobody but don't tell her that, she might cry" .. "tasting honey she thought of saints and how their wings can lift the weight of human suffering" - and_how_wings .. - the_more "tHe morE You see me the more YOU don't" .. - let_me_in "stormiest_weather and it's so cold why do i care i_want to shine i_want_to hide i want to seek to feel warm ...don't let me go ...now i burn with carelessness a selfish fire i am in a room without doors ...it gets smaller every day i feel less and less more and more" .. i ache to live so merry ...i am ignorant to feel so wounded i feel so desperate ...i will never conquer if i can't encounter so i'll sing the sound of caged wings swift and strong escaping into dark wonder dream not a lone universe" - so_much_beauty .. "one little tree stopped the truck from plunging into the ravine i grabbed my baby brother and my dolls clinging to the front seat watching everything ahead rushing towards us moving so fast ...my eyes closed i wished like heck for something to and something did stop the truck one little tree i remember it wasn't much taller than i was and i was small it was one single tree surrounded by empty mulch we could have missed it but we didn't i remember the smell of the dirt when i got out and cried looking down into the depths the tops of trees and violent waters" - cheating_death .. - i_just_want_to_scream_hello "but this is a dream can you hear me when i can't speak you aren't listening you've forgotten our language" .. - forgotten "fog rotten ...we forget some dreams sometimes i am happy in my sleep i wake up drifting" 041125 ... . "i wish life was clear like famous quotes from books so well known rehearsed we don't need to read again the script or have any other explanations shown to us" - power_went_out .. - forever_and_always "counting down time for ever it all weighs" .. - when_i_was_small "i learned about sand becoming glass and glass becoming mirrors ...i tend to forget things ...i remember the light ...i remember the island cold ... i broke my arm ...when i was a kid i remember i was not really little but i was small i used to watch the trains pass ...i always looked to the windows i always looked at the train i would pick flowers and wait thinking someday the train would stop and a world of people would hop out and there would be a brass band playing like soldiers arriving back home from the great war and i forget what i was running from when i fell and there was nobody around and the log leaning against it crying ...i remember hiding ...i was scared" .. "i feel like i am living in a dream painting" - 3_three_questions_mon_nom_monadh .. - hermit "i watched a man outside the supermarket unloading the delivery truck why do i find these simple things amusing? a man and a truck unloading two kids getting soda from the machine at walmart when i saw them i wondered about them it is strange to wonder things about people you don't know like when will they die and what grades did they get in school i feel strange for wondering where did those vegetables come from ...i walked by i didn't stop half-a-second these thoughts half-a-second passing a man i didn't hear the whole story only a few words that alarmed me i didn't stop to stop i left the store i crossed the crosswalk the carollers were singing in and out of every shop i felt like joining them i joined them with my heart i clapped when others clapped i didn't sing along with my mouth ..."you must be a real poetry fan!" the new bookstore lady taking my money "yeah" my usual reply so much can be reduced to 'yeah' ...sometimes i feel like i'm a lost cat sometimes i am the missing poster i am pasting myself to telephone trees i am the glue and staples i am hoping someone will find me and return me to myself when i walk tomorrow i will be looking for that cat" .. "spring thaw thunder ice life water ...drink it swim in it up is down ...how cold i must seem ...echo in a tunnel" - ice_soul .. - i_am_light "returning ...a promise in the sky ...wandering over the hillside ...like a napoleon balloon" .. "i wish i could sleep like Madeléine-Sophie Blanchard coloured lamps to guide my dreams potted parachute twinkling fires exploding horizon i would wake up in my car singing good morning to the clouds ...my name would go down ...but i would never come down ...i would be like lucy ...and the crowds would call me sweet marie" - aeronaut .. - forecast "by february it will be cold cold enough to cut willows ... i want it to be so cold so cold the fires will not burn ... it never gets that cold" .. - stepping "stepping off the world stepping_back to see the canvas" .. - no_words "i have no words but these" .. "ninety percent" - irrelevant .. - attachment "suffering and joy" .. "i feel i am to blame somehow is it all my fault? ... maybe i am part of the glue holding together a cracked pot" .. - frozen "i slipped i hit my knee and laughed ...i didn't look back did you watch me leave?" .. "the hill some day i'll remember the way to the old pond the cotton road i'll run blind and bold a child in a storm i'll invent totem poles from the top i'll sing a tale of butterfly trees for to dream again the woods" - woods .. "as i ran a sound in the woods eyes closed i lost all fear of height or at least it seemed, for a moment and then my heart caught up with me ...sometimes i feel i am still there" - cougar .. "i ...am ...i am sleeping and i'm watching looking dreaming i can feel something falling " -nothing_nevermind .. - degrees "i dreamed of life growing in the cold mud" .. - honeycomb "in my dream a picture constructed from numbers" .. "noon bus late but a few minutes only empty i sat in the back" - crackers .. - know_this_song "i know this song ...it is brand knew ...it is a beautiful song" .. "in my fear i saw soldiers waltzing the field grass shaking turning the earth with teacups" - midnight_bombers .. "search party search someone is missing downed in an avalanche caught in a blizzard the wind is furious shivering trees" - avalanche 041125 ... . -tobogganing "over scratched glass running on the night ice down the laneway steering a path laughing through the darkness" .. "i wanted to tell you when i found you hiding it hurt me to hear you crying" - childe .. - compassion "show me my heart ... reflections always tell the truth however warped however blurry they may seem they are still true they don't invent things" .. "in my heart i taste the dry dirt i can smell the lavender thyme snowflakes falling into raindrops counting down the long nights of winter" - robin_hiding .. - discoveries "every day we travel we journey discovering each moment marking the routes the places and people the roads we've known and been" .. - today_my_life "yesterday my life changed today it changed the future is waking up" .. - moaning_wind "ghost_wind talking about life to the dead" .. - proof "the proof is in the pudding it is a needle in a haystack" .. "it seems the less i sleep the more i dream the past while has been crazy" - i_have_weird_dreams .. - hummingbird "it became a caterpillar iridescent a birdworm squirming around in my palm i watched it dance into a butterfly shadow floating away into the smoke from a fire i followed across a field i walked ...reminding me who i was i was the one who caged the hummingbird ... i thought to wait until the fire cooled but it wouldn't stop burning and i fell backwards into another dream followed by a single sound a single word a name it haunted my morning" .. - all_i_can_think_about "i need someone to kiss me" .. - almost_afraid "to go to sleep ... i often mistake myself for someone else)" .. - still_can't_believe "everything i want to erase" .. - sunlight "i watched the trees turn shadows the mountain was going to sleep i watched it from my couch wishing it was an old chesterfield listening to a conversation i was having about glue and the broken pieces of a family" .. - glue "i'm here for you, and them, and us." .. - warping "i was running we were running we ran the trees became a train station i talked with mao's grandson he explained and signed our quarantine papers told us we would be expected across the borderline" .. - everybody_was "a baby once ...everybody_love" .. - thorns "running on thorns piercing the skin i wonder if will hurt when i put my boots on" .. "this is me right now fighting with myself" - sleep_and_dream .. "tomorrow i will walk the_woods dreaming about your painted trees" - emily .. - no_nevermind " doesn't_matter " .. "i_hear_things like birds and trains pennies whistling spend me! spend so much time so little left toss and catch" - ball .. - census "i can't wait till the next census if i'm still alive and kicking then i don't know what i'll write" .. - rumour "heard a nasty rumour today they say the fire didn't go out it's still smoldering, burning deep" .. "i was utterly surprised in all of the confusion i had forgotten about it ...what's up with me? ... i can't believe myself " - patina .. "not ever never ever" - firestorm .. - some_bird_sings "and some bird sings and i forget for a moment it's morning" .. - every_night_mares "i just want to have nice dreams tonight" .. - i_can't_tell "was that a spider that bit me in my sleep i can't tell the difference between dreams and being awake it's all the same game gotta play to be safe" .. "one night not long ago i saw the moon ... they are going to cut it down soon it will be gone a danger to be" - moonlight_madness .. "walking up an old logging road running the steep hillside an animal i crawled hands and teeth needles sewing my skin sinew twining the path arms and trees feet to the floor clinging holding on to the edge breathless i buried my hair in kinnikinik looking up into the dark pines twisting my heartbeat i cried whole_body_shaking paralyzed afraid of moving, of losing balance falling away rolling down crashing onto the rocks below an ancient creek bed, dry i screamed wondering if the bird could fly" - phobia .. - magpie "i am am i living_alive_life" .. - why_must "i feel scared by this how do i step forward without turning back could anyone really care to know me this way" .. - i_am_hungry "and it is the morning and there is a bed with my name on it i refuse to sign for i've been reading as much as eye can feel like i just watched the life of a ship in slow motion eating the frozen water ...i don't want to sleep i don't want to sleep i don't want to sleep i want to keep i want to keep to keep i want to ...because it's always never enough" .. "clutching the doll i jumped and i ran ... holy world to see knowhere to go lost on the runway" - run_away 041125 ... . - so_that's_the_monster "i've been feeding ... i've been so haunted drifting afraid don't know what my life is i should silence this beast and never return here lock the door throw away the key" .. "i stood just now in the listening morning i wonder if they found the missing pilot" - siren_song .. "someday my mouth will run_away with expressions i cannot control ...what am i waiting for" - and_never_return .. "one of these days i'll be in the middle of a bank line or supermarket deli aisle and i'll flip and do a handstand and people will be be looking at me looking at eachother wondering what is up with down ... sometimes i'll be walking in a field and i'll just feel like diving in as though it is water ... it's funny the things i type when i'm not listening to myself" - gymnast .. "there i was again where did i go" - was_again .. - open_eyes "to something new" .. - sick_and_tired "of the yelling short fuses shot nerves constant fear repetition of scenes ...i'm just trying to live here okay i hate my mouth and i hate the expressions on my face and i hate my silence and i hate having to speak i hate singing mary had a little lamb with my hands covering my ears i hate thinking that it's gonna be a replay it isn't anyone's fault it just is i wish i didn't i always makes things worse" .. - there_is_this_mist "last night there were these shadows felt like a fluttering by tickling sensation well defined edges can crumble" .. - chalkdrawings_in_the_rain "hopscotch" .. - stardust "haunting mist a wind came such a wind and then there were these rainbows while the snow was falling high up and the cold sky i am watching for lights" .. - i_want_to_live_in_a_wooden_house ..."i_want_to_live ...i_want" .. - i_want "i wanna meet you i want to be your long forgotten friend i want to clean you when you are born i want to feed you soup when you are old and poor i want to fix your car i want to lend you my umbrella i want to give you an ice cream cone i wanna sew your pieces together i wanna be your librarian i would like to attend your Bar Mitzvah i want to pour your tea i want to sing you a song i wanna bump into you in the grocery store i could even love you i want to cut your hair i wanna see you smile i want to live in a prison with you i want to iron your clothes i want to be your muse i want to vote for your party i wanna read your story ...i want to love and feel love and feel loved and feel i want to live and feel alive and feel life and feel ... i want to be here i want to be there i just don't know if i can" .. - stormiest_weather "northern lights lick the sky blue green wisps behind black restless clouds winds roaring shake the house the windows rattle trees a constant changing sound so many leaves torn tossed tattered every one a dame a knight and aye so alone in the tumbling terror falling without weight with nothing to hold" .. - tonight_i_wear "the usual garb" .. - tourist_in_my_own_town "visitor to my living life this daze ya view i jig the real what's to write is left repeat and start from scratch the intro roll the credits" .. "a sound in the middle of silence a mark in the heart of a target" - piercings .. - exhale_life "every night and day this constant sea it never leaves in vain i bite to burn my teeth into a wave blackness of raven song in winter pines if i could stop i would try to start the finish reload the rewind dangerous air give me not this day of hours ...i'm just remembering this all like a dream from the future ...death rhymes with breath" .. - inhale_life "each moment every scent hold your breath keep count ...life is to live" .. - sparrow "is there in the morning when i am squinting my eyes to see i tried sneaking up on her the other day such a flighty little flutter keeps at least a few steps away from me always by the front door" .. "... in a tower ...spirally sideways stairs ...and open doors ...but the open doors only ...lead to more stairs going up ...more stairs and more doors ...and no exit to get out ...to go down ...marble cold ...somebody's blood ...stairs and plastered walls ...stairs and a shadow ...a line in the wall a ...crack clearly a door ...painted over and covered ...over running and scratch claw the edge ...like opening an envelope from ...a long sealed hand ...?did i open the door?" - kitty_knight_mares .. - what_woke_you_up_this_morning "the sense it was closer than ever ... noise ... rain and thunder ... cold morning i feel sick now" .. - rushing "everything is rushing i'm trying to hold on everything is rushing i try not to let it get by hold on this might last" .. - squeak_of_mouse "sparkle of stars ...breath of fire ...grain of earth ...cloth of loom ...oil of wheel ...creak of stairs ...honk of goose ...rock of chair" .. "a sound in my heart whirring i seem to remember words someone spoke i'm not sure who like a dream you can remember but you're not sure if it was real maybe it was ...i want to swim beneath the black locusts the black willows poplars the waves rolling me under over tossing me like driftwood to some shore i have never been" - sand_and_ashes .. - never_were_there "the ends of the rainbows" .. "it is so soft i could sleep in these little swirls" - bouquet .. - flash "the light waved out flash three times flash surge gone i went to sleep in the dark" 041125 ... . - bubble "rising to the frozen surface" .. "no direction here to there it is just this what not sure it is" - turned .. - answer "what a walking fog is a hand a cup real as this kissing the edge questions live" .. "trying not to type trying not to read trying not" - asleep .. glowing_black .. - stone "break not my bones" .. - walk "before the day is gone" .. "naaaaaaarrrgggg! narg narg narg narg" - frustration .. - raindrops "in the hunter's tree a black cloak war song a love dirge the raindrops freezing my hair" .. - pushpull "this sugar into candy" .. - surprise "yehlagh hlauha hluhyah lahuh it's all nonsense sorry i want to close my eyes" .. - wishing "i wish i was a little squeakily mouse the cats could catch me and eat me there would be less noise around" .. "i avoid talking i avoid some things i can't forget somethings i can't ... i can't stand to listen to the news some days ...regret is sickening, in many ways ...so smile, ...take_a_picture ...give it a go" - photography_is_a_sad_hobby .. "see the maps historical pants books in latin a boat a sword a talking exhibit follow the arrows from one door to the next until it's time to leave it's time" - compass .. - emptiness "talking lips and bottle breathing music this is the sound a heart gives when the winds of winter find those little cracks almost forgotten fissures" .. tired .. "i forgot i had this" - painting .. - stars "and when i closed my eyes i could imagine shooting up into the eternal sky becoming one piece among millions of others fitting into this puzzle of stars that is where we go when we die" .. - ghostly "mist" .. "it's moments like this when i really shouldn't write anything at all i realize i'm not a writer i just wish i could tell you how beautiful you are and why i love you but i can't find the words maybe they don't exist" - wordless .. - didn't "want to wake from ...didn't get much sleep today pulled from a dream the sound of a helicopter when i woke up darkness in my left eye everything dim crying for an hour now didn't want to wake up not to this puzzle i want to keep dreaming" .. "vaguely making" - sense .. "i hope i will always wake up" - sleeping .. - lightning "returns and cold rain" .. - breaking "windows" .. - i'm_dying_here "i'm_living_here there is everywhere" .. "dig myself into the clay" - soil .. - beautiful_dirt "beautiful earth" .. - theatre "must get to the theatre by seven" .. - nobody_knows "my name unless they know my name he asked me for a pen i thought i sounded loud drinking water" .. - songs "i know songs i've known" .. - plans "paint dance play change" .. erase .. "remind me to get on the bus next time i hear the birds singing morning_sunshine" - knew .. "my heart goes weird sometimes too ... feels like i'm jumping up in a down elevator" - my_relentless_heartbeat .. miss_understanding .. "crazy" - stranger .. "time" - juggling .. "drizzle drazzle" - rainy .. never_goodbye "never_hello ...never farewell ...never i'll miss you" .. - living_alive_life "new leaves new leaves turning the meadow green rolling..............the grass wind..................of reality singing................the road boots...................of energy dancing..................dark sky raindrop..................of life" .. - something_is "it always is" .. "have you ever tried to carry a river a handful of water a mouthful of sand" - tried .. "it is funny to watch the clouds falling down and down into the firm soil bed of my handprints cupping the raindrops" - seed .. - ache "help." .. - sadness "ache." .. - dead_bird_dead "the dead woodpecker the northern flicker the poor bird dead ...i tried talking it into life it just blinked and blinked and blinked and then it died and it was dead it wore a polka dotted belly ...picking it up with dent-de-lion leaves i placed it in the hollow of a dead tree" .. "running in a circle running with words running a circle with words a circle running running in a circle of words running circle words circle running words running in a circle running in a circle words circle of words running in a circle i am running in a circle running i am a circle running i am words a circle of words running in a circle of words with a circle of words i am" - circular .. - surprised "last night when you looked into me i saw something there" .. - signs "of spring mist and moths jumping into my eyes" .. - hawk "a dead hawk found no apparent cause" .. - heat "heat wave june july august it feels like 35 thunderstorms" .. "middle of the evening a few nights a go a toad hopped out of the ground i was digging in it had been hiding from the sunlight western toad it hopped out and took a pee don't think i've ever seen one before or maybe i have but it has been too long it surprised me that it was there ... i watched it go hopping away into the tall grass and thought to chase it to put it back in the hole i had disturbed it from now everywhere i walk i'm looking for toads toads toads" - toad .. "outside my window ...it went away today" - thunderbolt .. - the_wind "so loud ...the rain and thunder mist" .. - happening "something ...what_is something something_is ... foreverything ...there are signs like the_wind so loud ...trains breaking thoughts" .. - anything_anything "anything just anything ... to live just dream to dream just live dream just to live live just to dream" .. "i died inside. tomorrow's coming round that was the day That day rings in my mind i'll tell you all about it oh, It shouldn't be possible it's been over how do you expect me do you ... ... ... ...i've never been the same since. and it makes me sad because I was too scared I could never forget about it. "those_days" too much a year to forget do you remember?" - that_day .. - this_day "i know what i must do i must do i must i know i know i must do what i know i must do what i must do what i must do i know what i must do i must do what i know i must do ...no looking back" .. - his_dream "he told me his dream" .. - can't_stay_away "can't stay awake" .. "dancers" - dance .. "dreams are a sickness sweet" - sickness .. pictographs .. - paintedrain "i was almost asleep when the idea became black and white rain and thunder" .. unlearn "mistakes ...languages ...feathers ...sky" .. "i know i'm crazy aren't i ... i don't know the answers how i think there are no questions and i say we were given tongues to taste life and talk about it all but really it's all the same taste and the same word and the same tongue talking the same mouth but then i say i can't stand something and it makes me laugh to think about it" - contradictions .. "i want to know what happened how did it get like that ...how long did it live?" - ant .. - think "you think you know what you think you know what you think you know you know you_think you know ...think You. are you Therefore. ...You. are you Therefore. think ...Therefore. think You. are you ...are you Therefore. You. think" .. - tune "tune out to tune in" 041125 ... . - squirrel "i feel so bad for it because i yelled at it to scare it" .. "people often say "oh you're just tired. everybody gets tired". ...sometimes i tell myself i'm just tired" - tired .. "venus in the sky above the field burning yellow music sunrise turning green to orange coyote and wolf singing day like a train" -venus_sky .. - festival "it's the last day of the festival the bus doesn't run on sundays and the bus drivers are all angry anyway sunday the crowds are going home the clowns are coming down it's all empty streets tomorrow the cars will be the only jugglers no flying magicians and craft vendors i've missed the festival again i always miss this one it's an odd pattern of years disappearing i watch parades of emptiness float by pretending to take photographs waiting for the closing ceremony" .. -endiction "everytimeitryifailitryifail ... i'm not getting anything done" .. - i_just_wish "something. i don't know what. ...so much world peace health happiness" .. - trap "tongue caught in a mouthtrap ...how easy cheesy it is" .. - eagle "circling circling disappearing into the grey and thunder" .. "almost every night i have a dream that i'm moving. this has been going on for as far back as i can remember ...there's always something to do with a storm and saving kittens. the roses have grown and the old neighbour is gone. i find myself a ghost in the dark. and i often end up alone on the highway walking for hours. ...i'm worried that a future me is dreaming about my today home. ...sometimes i think maybe i'm already haunting this place. ...and it's the not the fear of leaving it's of being unable to return ...i've gotta stop having these dreams i just have to let go and move on" - moving_dreams .. - unearthing "faces under centuries of dirt ...buried by soldiers before a battle perhaps" .. "i don't believe in demons" - demonize .. "when's my best before date? i'm feeling a bit off the wall." - expired .. - stairs "world falling away" .. "hush" - do_not_clap .. - knocking "no answer she tried knocking again no answer again her luck had run out" .. - careful "i should tattoo this to every part of me" .. - slipping "everything slipping stepping stairs sliding" .. "i swam out to the centre and i looked down so cold the water its so dark below so murky freaky cold" - what_makes_you_afraid_of_swimming .. "something is burning somewhere i was swimming ...now everything is fading ...how terribly familiar i wonder where the fire is" - fires .. - clear "flashes like moonlight upon waves i stand watching from my world boat tasting tree smoke breathing it all in as deep as i can" .. "memory" - mud .. "never had this before whatever the cause, it hurts" - sore .. - ear "hear" .. - what_makes_you_afraid_of_sleeping "...mice ...and fire ...and change" .. - hear "heart" .. - returning "i guess it's almost_august again" .. "everything ice the rose leaves the doe frozen in my memory goggles" - ice .. - research_of_the_past "it's all getting very crazy now" .. "i picked skunk cabbage bouquets i thought they were pretty flowers the caravan the cotton trees they are gone ...i once ran with my eyes closed through the woods i once ran with my eyes closed ... i learned how to hide ...in the woods they are gone" - the_woods .. "it was autumn when i stepped into the car i asked "is this the road to...?" they pointed out the window saying "no this is..." and i replied "i thought so. i thought it looked different." they asked me why i was leaving and what was i leaving behind" - in_my_dream .. "a note i wrote to myself ...i placed it in this box of stuff i was supposed to read it ...when i wrote it i don't think i had any clue a message from the past" - arrived .. - love_without_expectations "life without borders live without expectations love without borders ...love life ...live love" .. - inescapable "sadness and_sleep" .. "sometimes i wonder how" - it_would_feel .. "once upon a time the end" - skip_the_details .. "the shadows breaking dawn sounds of my world repeating the same sky little stars born from the ashes of day and night painted upon my eyes patchwork motion singing life into empty dreams" - wingless_flight .. - said "i'm always thinking it's something i said or didn't say i spose this is another problem of mine" .. - messages "almost always mixed and some louder and clearer than others" .. "i can remember singing along to "like a virgin" when i was about four and i really liked singing "you know that we are living, in a material world, and i am a material girl" . i thought she meant material as in fabric" - madonna .. "first song i can remember making up was all about fruit. apples, oranges, pears etc. again, i think i was about fourish but my mind is a tad numb" - songs_of_my_childhood .. mutterflies .. - wordbugs "i have wordbugs in my mouth they're all curled up afraid ...i might sentence them to death" .. - that's_me " freaking_out_on_the_edge " .. - quiet_in_here "i feel loud. too loud." .. "out of reach out of touch" - reach .. "paper heart ...paper sky ...paper bed" - crumpled .. - why_it_hurts "he said it's just my body attacking itself ...i can't look anymore" .. "i should've paid more attention" - juggling .. "i find it very difficult to sing out loud" - sing .. - evening "got so much to do now sing bring your bright music strings starlight, shine on 'til morning breathes us in" .. - identify "i know who i am -i just don't know who that is ...makes nonsense to me ...when where what why how" .. - doesn't_matter "nevermind ...the bath was cold, i couldn't get warm and i just want to cry because i" .. - stopped "if i had only known i would've stopped" .. - i_was_sleeping "heavy words in my dream couldn't shake them off painting muddy pictures ...when i was sleeping i felt my body falling when i_woke_up i was still sleeping" .. - me_of_here "me of now that's who i am trying to be" .. - musician "i'd love to play fiddle" .. "nobody sees me i'm just a girl there is no trouble in forgetting how" - it_rains .. - closed "shut" .. - sew "my mouth closed ...my face to the sky ...raindrops on strings tied to invisible clouds an airplane bird scratched into the blue" .. - thoughts "i keep running back to the morning the morning i found my friend robin dead robin why" .. "i don't know because i'm unsure of everything just ask god, if you believe in 'it'" - and_so .. - every_now "and zen" .. "if only i could take a look through your dream telescope i'm sure it would be beautiful to see inside the realms you go to" - reading .. - bells_for_toes "mirrors for teeth ...carrot for nose ...ferns for hair ...words for hands ...strings for whiskers ...seashells for ears ...flute for a throat ...thumbtacks for eyelashes" .. "sometimes i think i know i don't know it's better not to say anything to anyone and so i think about silence" - messy .. - forest "i dreamt i was going to live in the forest" .. - burns "seems only yesterday how do seven years fly like that i'm getting to be a dusty clock" .. "it was all so white when i woke up it felt like i had been staring for hours looking into a bright light" - whiteness .. - horror_bowl "emptiness" .. "i wish i had the super power ability to not no not ever hurt anything or anyone" - hurt .. "the motion of a thousand hoofbeats a branch of fiery arrows an army of trees my pulse is suspended all notes enter into my heart racing swirling around rushing out and i breathe" - silence_and_song .. - it_is_right_here "but i am so far away" .. - travel_the_world "if i could travel the world with you where would we go if we could travel would we go" .. "i am nothing like i used to be ...never had i known such fire" - ash .. - the_best_nonsense "you cannot figure out" .. -calling_on "the strum of my heavens to lift me away to dream" .. - into_a_splash_of_water "i would be clinging to the surface pulling on the current my body fading" .. "maybe art is the source of art" - the_source_of_a___r_____t .. - the_air_around_my_bed "heavy with the remnants of sleep the dreams that float away escape when i open my eyes" .. "and you saw it coming from out of the cold blue and there was nothing you could do" - emotion .. - audition "they never told me my lines were already written" .. "needed more than i know to go through everything just to get to here just to have been the one to be the one to see you shine and i - wanted_so_much_and_i .. "the wind caressing the chime" fateful .. "smoke night nothing dreams walking nowhere barely visible" - distant_here .. "where i am going the speed of life" - how_i_got_here .. - a_perfect_circle "the night the day the moment effervescent sphere lyrical wheel" .. - understanding "requires ignorance" .. "sometimes i feel i can fit everything inside this self then in an instant this feeling is reversed and i am on the outside of everything and there is nothing but this completeness before and after present and i fall asleep into another realm of awareness the bubble is burst but the bursting bubbles and i am carried away in the foam of wave froth of mind" - absolute_equal .. - coexistence "the shadow of your living spark of being" .. "do we meet at the seems to be or not what is or isn't true to the inside edge of the outside surface of you" - on_the_edges_of_the_known_cosmos .. "connections transformations currency of exchange language of perception weight of understanding" - of_bounteous_network .. - observation "deck_of_cards each card a deck each deck a card" .. - a_lost_wing "a white bird from nowhere passed by me the breath of its motion the sensation of me following after and not knowing where it went as i opened my eyes forgetting where i'd been" 041125 ... . - only_so_much "time to live" .. "to unlearn to rewind begin" - twelve_strings .. - navigating "my way through this sea" .. - moth_on_my_keys "and i/m trying to tpe witout urting it" .. - been_here_before "in a while" .. - in_another_life " in_every_life " .. - don't_i_know "what i'm doing here" .. dipping_my_toes "in who what knows" .. "i wake up, i don't know why i go to sleep, i don't know why" - barely_functioning .. - too_much " sob_story " .. - maybe "maybe she had never been sad? maybe she had never been happy? maybe she had never been" .. "and all is not well, maybe it is" - 7_oh_clock .. - something_else "to think about, anything anything" .. - friday "is it friday? i didn't notice till now" .. - and_now "she doesn't know what she believes ... maybe she has a soul, maybe she doesn't" .. the_mask_is_shattered_to_bits .. - and_sleep "sleep it is something you can't escape can you you can try, but it always wins it's like air, you can't live without it" .. "in the display cabinet of her life there were reconstructed scenes with little paper signs "this is how i dreamed" "this is when the song played" "this is why i laughed too loud" "this is where i fell and broke my head" "this is what happened before i was born" - display .. - stupidly "the way she feels she does things ...the way she says things the way she feels" .. "i am trying to reconstruct my past it's a difficult task ...maybe it's not a good idea ...maybe reconstruct isn't exactly the word" -reconstruct .. - possible "i'm possible" .. "i wonder if it's possible ...i don't know i can only wonder" - wonder .. - she_thought "but she was wrong she was mistaken she was always wrong she was the great mistaker" .. - selfishly "i_wish_i_could stop thinking about myself" .. nonexistent .. sinking .. "volcano" - rumblings - volcano "tell me have you been to pompeii what did the people say there" .. - helpless "ness" .. "near" - by .. - scared "i got scared by the noise" .. "it's october and i'm cold and it's not even that cold outside and i'm not even that cold it's just october and i got no heat" - no_heat .. - ten_years "ten years later i'm still tired the pain hasn't left but i think, in some ways i'm getting better ...better_and_worse" .. "twice i was the bully i wanted to stop the fighting i was so cruel with my words flying daggers it was all so terribly wrong i didn't mean any of it i thought i was being brave i thought i was protecting everything was a lie" - bully .. "i am sorry. i hope you don't remember me." - dear_____ .. "ten_years have passed my life is different than it was and i'm still here i'm still myself everything is the way it is" - better_and_worse .. - i_wish "i could do gymnastics everyday' .. - colours "so what if i'm not seeing colours the way i used to i think i can get used to this" .. - time_for_me "to go to sleep again why i'm even awake is beyond me" .. - train "is coming back to town ...i wonder how much the tickets cost" .. - let's "not and say we did or let's do and say we didn't" .. "as a kid, i fancied the thought of someday becoming a real hobo." - hobo .. "a girl went missing in my town last springtime, near my old home they found her car, parked by the tracks" - missing .. "in the snow, on the tracks, at night i was looking for the missing girl ...sometimes there is no one last night i had to wake up and turn the lights on someday i'll stop dreaming " - observatory .. - maybe_we_do "have souls ...bodies" .. maybe_we_don't .. "i couldn't possibly smell that nice" - inside .. - beware "danger" .. - shelves "they sit un-put together ...tomorrow maybe, hopefully ...day at a time" .. "anyone care for some more" - gobbledeegoop .. "don't know where i'm going with this song turn left turn right" - where_i'm_going .. - everythingpossible " everything_impossible ...breathes and doesn't breathe" .. - impossibilities "i've just gotta stop seeing myself as the version of me who only gets so far before blowing up or burning down" .. - exhibition "versus inhibition" .. "i swear if you just keep looking you'll see something" - blink_and_you'll_miss_it .. "she had been the hand holding the balloons she was now the dot drifting in the sky" - drifting .. - let "i won't let my eye be sore" .. - around_the_corner "there is a beautiful rainbow ...listen, can you hear it?" .. - later "better late than never?" .. - listening "my mind is always elsewhere i pay not enough attention i need to stop and listen" .. - listen "life is screaming in my ears where did i hear that?) the world is constantly talking" .. - advice "don't listen to me" .. - travelling "trampoline" .. - disappearing "dizzy peering" .. - 7_to_7 "rise to . get set ) get down . to go up )" .. - freaking_out_on_the_edge "i am always falling" .. - falling_in "i'm just falling into my life from some sky above or below and whoever said that every moment we arrive was oh so right" .. - puff "she reached out and found a cloud all she could feel was the falling" .. - nights "when i don't feel like i live at all" .. - headaches "feels like there's a spoon in my head it aches feels like i'm the pumpkin, being cleaned my eye the guts, the seeds" .. - drone "my dulcimer" .. "i really don't have much to say i got out of bed a while ago i was naked in my dream i was running along the tracks i couldn't find the train station ...i'm trying to keep my eyes open i'm thinking of going back to sleep i don't know why i feel so alone in this" - i'm_here .. - goodnight "i have to go now" .. - shaking "and stomping refusing" .. - underreacting "and overreacting ...over and over again " .. "i don't know if i'll ever finish" - finishing .. - worst "the pain is worse but it's not the worst ...things will get better" .. "sharp" - dimness .. - critical "oh yes i know already ...it is critical i am critical this is critical ...repeat scenes" .. - release "she wondered if she could let go of all these words would they fly away freely like a flock of geese searching for endless summer could she fly with them or would winter keep her" .. - ugly "i've always wished i could become a swan someday" .. - i_give "nothing i give nothing" .. "i have no path" - direction .. - needing "i need to know what i can do how can i help where do i start what can i say what do you think" .. -makes_me_sick "it makes me feel sick i was watching tv ... i probably shouldn't watch tv" .. - what_do_you "do? when you are afraid" .. - spiders "crawl in from the rain" .. - childhood "it either never happened or it never ended" .. - whoknows "anything ...i certainly don't" 041125 ... . "dark spin me spin spin remove" - blindfold .. - ups "downs" .. "um i think hmm hum yeah" - hmm .. - haze "phase" .. - demented "view, my own" .. "this is my childhood dream. ... childhood realization. ...childhood fear. ...lifelong realization ...lifelong fear ...it's beyond me. the strength, the energy it takes to be a parent. the love. as it is i don't think i take good enough care of my own body, nevermind another. i don't feel i would ever make a very loving mother ... i'm just scared by the whole concept of childbirth" - - childless .. - single "i plan on never getting married, and never having children. that shouldn't be too difficult." .. "filled with lightning" - the_evening .. - bringer "of downs" .. "i don't understand anything" - i_don't_understand .. - thursday "he died on thursday .. "we celebrated his life in the schoolhouse down the road ...i got there just in time i sat at the back and tried not to cry it was such a sunny afternoon there were kids playing in the schoolyard" - attending .. - his_mother "she said "hello beautiful girl" and "goodbye beautiful girl" and i didn't know what to say to her" .. "the sky was so sunny on sunday it was so surreal" - celebrating .. - tuesday "i bought a black dress at the closing out sale it cost fifteen dollars plus tax the lady thanked me kindly her mother passed away and now the family is closing the store" .. "i knew the man who was murdered" - once .. - and_last_night "i sang a song i heard somewhere in my mind a song i made roughly on five dulcimer strings" .. - this_house "how many rooms do we know off by heart how many are visited by the ghosts of the living the ghosts of the dead" .. - so_it_goes "the turning of the world spins us and the day begins anew" .. - owl "from one eye i could see the owl ...this is not a good sign" .. - sobbing "and then she realized her sobbing had drawn eyes away from the sparkling candles of the cake and she could tell they were enjoying the party less the more she sat there raining on their paper hats so she said pardon me and ran outside to catch herself ...but she never caught herself she just kept falling and falling and everything was speeding" .. - today_i "today i will try" .. she_tried_to_remember .. "she wanted to disbelieve" - disbelieve .. "the blood oh the blood thimbleberry leaf thimbleberry leaves a dead body found, among blackberries, thimbleberries red and black and red, red leaves crying no longer heard, the fawn is dead ...only the other day i saw it living" - fawn .. - bbblah "i can't see through this haze ...rut rut rut rut rut rut rut" .. "what do you" - suppose .. - upside u m o p upside down ---umop --umop -umop umop" .. - uow "i oft'times feel foolish, cruel, extremely flawed." .. - crushing "i was playing with the kittens they were running around all happy it was such a beautiful afternoon i didn't know there was one on the tire he climbed up there when i wasn't looking ...i heard the crunch i used to stare at the stain wanting the rain to wash it away but i needed it to stay, to remind me" .. she_tried_to_forget .. - depressing "every year i get a little too sad i can't remember any really happy birthdays, i've tried" .. - screamed "the screaming scream" .. - tails "i screamed and ran away i've been running eversince" .. - funnel "clouds i couldn't find a safe place but then mother theresa was there in bed hiding under the covers she said "god will save us if we hide like this" i grabbed the cats and everyone else and snuggled in beside her" .. "stop" - heartbeat .. - i_need_this "page to change" .. - when_i_wake_up "i will be born" .. "for everything i write" - i'm_sorry .. "i'm so" - vain .. - wounds "i've tried to rid myself of these wounds but they never seem to go away no matter how much time and love i give they're just always there, barely hiding. i don't want to hate. i don't want to hurt." .. - house "i say why would i want to anyway just let the weeds grow all over everything i'm too tired to work it all i give up this year i can't even get the beans picked all i can do is walk." .. "no it's okay thanks i'm not going anywhere today i'm just walking it's just raining i'm okay no it's okay thanks anyway have a good day thanks for stopping ...i want to walk everywhere" .. "pour down" - downpour .. "i stand waiting weighing feeling the train passing by screaming the turning tracks most impressive haunting sounds crazy music the man does not smile hello reading a book i see he does not see me the train is too fast i can only catch the graffiti floating by all amazing like old pictographs" - trains .. - eye_contact "eye contract" .. "having nobody to talk with day after day ...i get tired of being around myself" - unhealthy .. "i am ever so filled with blah it's not even funny at all" - blah .. - fuckit "why do i think i need to write all of this down" .. "bang bang dead" - silence .. offbyheart .. " give me another" - chance .. - august "every august i die" .. - yesterdaytodaystory "t_o_d_a_y_y_e_s_t_e_r_d_a_y this_was_the_searching this_was_the_story nobody_read" .. - it's_august "lightning flashes crashing ...severe thunderstorms warning warning warning this message will self destruct" .. - scattery "grey clouds inside me ...thunder showers ...jittery jattery" .. - rewrite "i hate rewriting! ...i could rewrite everything from beginning_to_end" 041125 ... . - what_i'm_thinking "i was thinking about thoughts being the sounds we hear of the heart and mind as they are playing together? but i don't know. what is anything? i'm not awake ...i think i think therefore what? ..."thought she thought she thought" .. "i should be leaving" - we_should_be_leaves .. - we_should_be_lovers "in the next scene" .. - silentheartfilm "it is in red and red there is no beginning and there is no end" .. - emotionally "limping" .. - in_the_cold_silence "i hate myself ...i hate this cold silence" .. - return_to_the_above_address "at some point i will be dead and these words could still be here ...i don't want people who know me to read this, yet i want people who read this to know me." .. - hands_on_ears "eyes on hearts" .. - absolutely "know ideas" .. "i'm a ghost ...the ghost who slams the door, opens it and says boowho" - halloween_costume .. " me_myself_and_i " - apparently_nothing_at_all .. - noneofthiseverexisted "i was not here ...you never saw me i don't look familiar" .. - unpuzzle "unpuzzle, unpuzzle me please unconfuse, please unconfuse" .. - dizzy "from dancing away the days in my head" .. - dislocated "life" .. - complaint "department closed an hour ago" .. "is this as close as i get" - closing .. "i have the ability to misunderstand most everything" - misunderstand .. - directions "which way is which?" .. - spooky "because_i said sometimes people are just impersonating themselves" .. - a_ghost "i saw a ghost in my dream i_woke_up screaming but i did not i was not" .. - sound_of_thought "how does this sound?" .. "when i woke up i was scared i felt strange i splashed my face with water to wash away my dreams" - i_woke_up .. - far_away_land "i feel like i'm living in a farawayland and i don't know how to get there" .. "do you believe in" - incarnation .. "leaf and tree" - parting_ways .. - this_is_it """"""ladies and gentleman""""""" the moment you have all been waiting for ((((((((((drum roll)))))))))))) .. - happens "it happens before sleep the feeling, the knowing" .. - don't_matter "it doesn't_matter and i don't matter i'm just tired and what are tears anyway who cares what happens" .. "night tightens its hold in the cold i listen for dreams" - and_colours_fade .. "i'm trying to" - understand .. "mostly i recall the fear, being confused and getting goosebumps. i don't know the exact sequence of events or what all happened, ...i vaguely remember ...did that really happen?" ...a figment of my imagination. ...almost completely forgotten" - strangest .. "my owN echO bleeding for hEArRtS to listen i wait for the moon i could cry about everything what is? right? now?" - sorry_and_gone .. - so_lost_where_am_i_going "i feel odd like an alien from a dry planet seeking the blue earth knowing i can't survive here unless i change" .. - everybody_out_dancing "and haunting houses ...nobody notices ...the ghost who ...the ghost who isn't there" .. - nothing_is_wrong "wake up go to sleep now wake up go to sleep it's this pattern cycle days and days and days and i think of ways to escape but i don't know if there is anything ...my heart is so distorted i think i've been dreaming everything days become fields for burying myself in i see black coats in my stupid dreams i look at stars and histories but nothing guides me there is no great destination only distraction from destruction i think light a falsity i think myself the enemy i'm tired of fighting like this i wish i could speak proper english i wish i could write how i truly feel but everything is wrong and i'm just kidding to myself thinking somehow i could end this lonliness" .. "i sleep with the light on" - hammer_horror .. - blurs "in my nightmare everything was blurry" .. - and_i_can't_sleep "and i can't think and i don't care ...and i can't wake up and i can't stop thinking and i care too much about it all ... and i don't know where i am and i don't know who's with me and i don't know where i'm going" 041125 ... . ........................... 041125 ... . blue: u_o_w 041125 what's it to you? who go blather from