all_i_can_think_about the swinger of birches all i can think about these days is Jesus. i met him in spain, when were visiting Jaen. i want to see him so bad. we email and talk and this is nice. but it's not enough. having some one half way across the world is difficult. i'm just so messed up. i wish i didn't have to like anybody, but try doing it. that's hard. if you figure out how, let me know. i'll be sure to get the art perfected. and i'm so constipated too. i can't write anything. like this, it sounds like shit. it sounds like someone emitting toxic waste from their body. i think i'd be happy if i could leave again. this place feels like a deep hole. 040302 ... mon is how i had a lighter in my hand and there was gas in the air 040302 ... mon well that's not true i can think about many more things than that, but my mind keeps going back to the flame and the smell of the gas 040302 ... belly fire is the way I can never find words or deeds to express to him my fragile love 040303 ... DammitJanet is how things are changing so quickly. i look at pictures of him as i'm drawing and i get a hint of regret. not regret that i dated him, regret that things didn't turn out how they were supposed to in the first place. i could have been just his friend, but he wouldn't allow it. so i guess all this was meant to happen. i sometimes miss him. but then i remind myself how i felt everytime i was with him. horrible. whorish. upset. but when i put all that behind me i allowed myself to have fun, experience new things and let myself go. i really miss that. and then i look at the ones who are new. new and exciting and more like me. they are both so different from eachother. one is the jock, the hockey fan, the casual wear, the go out and have fun kinda guy. while the other is more layed back, likes art and creativity, and books and writing. only time will tell how i blend with each and i'm getting excited. i'm the one moving on without spite, anger and childish motives. i'm the one moving on because i'm free. and all i can think about is the posibilities. 040303 ... magpie i need someone to kiss me 040523 ... magpie that was a good movie 040523 ... magpie how long will this weather last 040523 ... magpie the bridge needs adjusting 040523 ... magpie dulcimer dulcimer dulcimer 040523 ... magpie bubbles 040523 ... magpie silence 040523 ... cocoon how am i gonna get home tonight? 040605 ... mysticlove all i can think about these days is him and what we could have been. all i want is him to talk to me again, to notice me, to remember that i am real. a day hasn't gone by where i haven't thought of him or pictured his face in my mind. i just want him. 041007 what's it to you? who go blather from