diary_of_an_addict KarmaBound So in my lifetime I have had many addictions. My father was an alcoholic all my life and later on in his life, shortly before he died, I believe that he was also smoking crack. I can't be sure about that, but I know he was into some pretty heavy stuff. He died of a heart attack when he was 44. I tried pot for my first time when I was 15 or 16. I'm a smoker of cigarettes, but we won't go into that. I tried alcohol for my first time when I was 17. Before that I was terrified to try it because I feared turning into my father. But around that time I started having issues with depression and stopped caring. Around that time I also tried pills. All different kinds. I was a big fan of No Doz, also Zoloft for awhile. Then I moved on to pain killers like Vicodin, Percocet, and even Oxycontin. Probably around 18 or 19 I tried cocaine for the first time. The first time I tried it I didn't think it was anything too special. At 20, I met a coke dealer and fell in love. I got pretty hooked after that. Throughout my early 20's I did heroine (needle free, I snorted), crack, acid, shrooms, coke, meth (methadone and crystal meth, snorting and smoking) and a lot of other stupid things. So in my time as a total addict, the things that were the worst for me were cocaine and alcohol. For whatever reason, I was able to take or leave the crystal meth, the heroine, and the crack, thank God, or I would most likely be in a gutter somewhere. I had blackouts when I drank heavily, which after my coke dealer fiance shot himself when I was 21, was all the time for a good 6 years. The coke I did whenever it was available or I had the money. I OD'ed a few times, and I hurt a lot of people with my behavior and in my downward spiral, so even though they may not read it, I'd like to apologize to some. A few used to post here, so I will hope that some read it: Mom: God knows, you deserve the biggest apology. You had to watch everything and unfortunately you couldn't walk away. Well you did for a time, but after Rocky died, you accepted me back, and I am so grateful that you continued to love me through my fuck ups. I stole money from you a couple of times. I OD'ed and you had to come to the hospital. The one time I almost died, and you could do nothing to stop it. I came home plastered every night. Or high. Or both. I can never apologize enough for the things that I put you through in life. Dad: Though you didn't live to see it, I would have disappointed you. I'm sure it would have hurt to watch me follow in your footsteps. I can't imagine what you thought if you were watching over me from wherever you are. I just hope that you can be proud of me now. Jennifer: As my sister, you had to clean up a lot of my messes. That goes both ways, but I messed up my life a hell of a lot more than you ever did yours so thank you for everything you did and for not giving up on me. Rocky: I did love you. I still do though I have finally grieved and am letting you go. But I should have loved you enough to try to get you off the drugs and try to get you to stop selling them instead of just getting high with you. Maybe if you had someone to help you quit, you wouldn't have felt the need to kill yourself. Bekki: My sister in all but blood. We have both done some pretty bad things to each other over the 25 years that we have known each other. But I am sorry for the drunken nights when I said things I did not mean and then didn't even have the decency to remember saying them the next day. I am sorry for pushing you away when I needed you or when you reached out to me. I am sorry for believing that lying wench Kaddie over you and losing 2 years of our friendship over it. And I am sorry for all the times that I should have been there for you but wasn't. I love you so much, you are a piece of my heart and always will be. Molly (Mollycule) and Nicole (Unhinged): I am sorry that I lost touch with the two of you. After the Denny's crowd broke up I went my own way which was to Rocky and to drugs and alcohol. You were two true friends that I miss and regret losing. I wish that I would have kept in touch and not lost myself to partying like I did. I am sorry. Jonathan P. (Gods Lil Fukker): I already made a long apology for you on another page. jonathan_p. I don't expect that you will ever read it, but if you do I hope that someday you will forgive me even if I never know it. I miss your friendship, but I know that will never return. Evan and Ron: I am sorry for screwing up our friendships with mistakes. Evan with you it was an alcoholic mistake, Ron with you it was attempting to take our friendship further. Now I just wish that I had left well enough alone as I miss those friendships so much but I can never get them back. It's too complicated, it would cause too much drama even if I could. Ace: You I have such a list, I don't even know where to start. For 5 years you have put up with jealousy, blackouts, drugs, drinking, and worse. I don't know how or why you chose to stay by my side, but I will be eternally grateful that you did. I haven't had many men in my life that I actually considered good, but you are the best. You have the most beautiful forgiving spirit, and I am trying so hard to be a person that is deserving of your love. Since I have quit and since I have been finally looking at myself and changing things, not only the drugs and alcohol, but the jealousy, the anger, the outright bitchiness, I find myself wanting to be a better person everyday for you. And not just for you but for me. If you hadn't seen whatever it was you saw in me and hadn't been patient and loving enough to help me set it free, I would still be that ugly, awful person. I will love you forever. I hope to one day marry you, and I am grateful for your love. The path before me is not an easy one. I don't attend AA or NA, or any support group. I am quitting on my own through determination and with the help of those who love me. It is a rough road but one that has already been filled with satisfaction. To any I have wronged who are not here, I am sorry. I am starting over at 30, a scary prospect, but one also filled with light and wonder. My journey starts with a step. 120216 ... unhinged the journey is the steps dear. everyday. one after the other, one foot in front of the other. im glad you have someone to help you realize your inherent greatness too. some things are better done together. and you don't have to feel bad about losing touch with me. i left. it takes both people to maintain a relationship. i am right here 120216 ... dafremen For future reference: I'm Ganjakananda. Nice to meet you. 120216 ... KarmaBound Daf - Most unfortunately for me, I know exactly who you are. Your words still sting every time I visit what was to be the only memorial I will ever have for my loved ones. You've destroyed any peace I can have there. Bravo. 130318 ... dafremen Glad I could be here to blame. If only it were as simple as the offhand comments of a random stranger being the cause of our woes. We carry our disease with us..covering it with makeup and gauze dressings..then attempt to misdirect the observant by pointing all around us. Your pain comes from within you. Not from me or anything else outside of you. Especially not from your dead parents. I'm sorry for your loss. Truly. 130320 ... onemorebumpintheroad Daf My pain is within me, that is very true, but it is untrue that people cannot harm one another with words. Also my mother is alive still, thank God every night when I lay my head down and pray for her continued safety. As for my pain being a result of losing my father... of course that grieves me. I would be monstrous if it didn't because although he was an alcoholic, he was also a good man and a good father in all other ways. If he weren't I suspect I wouldn't miss him as much. As for the rest - the pen is mightier than the sword. *smiles* I cannot fault you for your posts as you were only giving your opinions, and everyone is entitled to theirs whether or not it hurts me. However, you put something on a memorial page that skewered me. Yes the pain on that page was mine due to a choice I made, but outside people still have the ability to harm you more or reopen wounds. Words are power. But as I said, I cannot say anything but that the words DID hurt me. Thank you for your condolences. I wasn't trying to start drama or something. 150221 what's it to you? who go blather from