cheated_on dzd&cnfzd lately i've been thinking of you and all the shitty things you do my head feels like a mental stew i need some help to get me through you said that there'd be no more lies no more empty alibis i should have seen it in your eyes you cant stop seeing other guys i've had enough my heads in pain this love of mine i cant maintain its far to much to take the strain when loving you is all in vain you seem to want to cheat on me and manage to so hurtfully now leaving you would seem to be my only source of remedy i loved you girl you were the one i needed you to carry on but love i cant rely upon come tomorrow i'll be gone 030612 ... x there are always more lies 030612 ... endless desire hmmm beautiful poem. liked it a lot. 030612 ... dont ask just an fyi, i heard that statistically speaking, married men are more likely to stay with their unfaithful spouse than women. but you know what they say about statistics. this past weekend she asked me if i could ever get over what she did, and i honestly answered, "i don't know" it's not so much that she cheated on me. in fact, in some sense, she didn't *technically* cheat on me. for a week, we were on a break. (damn, i feel like ross & rachel in friends) anyway, during that week she moved back to her parents place and was supposed to think about what she really wanted. this was after i had found out they had been communicating with inappropriately sexually implicit emails. so when it happened, we were on our "break." i had actually encouraged her to see him, because if she would have been happier with him, then i would have gladly let her go. well, not gladly, but willingly. so technically, we weren't "together" at the time. what gets me is that she had come back after a week and claimed that everything was settled. i even offered her more time, but she insisted that she didn't need more time. we both agreed that she would have no contact with him ever again. life went on, and we seemed ok. our physical relationship was still scarce, but i didn't think twice of it. she had had some bad experiences in her life and i had attributed it to that. 031117 ... dont ask when i eventually found out what actually happened, i was literally floored. my whole world was collapsing, and my knees buckled under the emotional weight. eventually i recomposed myself, cuz i knew she was on her way home. when she did get home, i let her know that i knew and that this was the end. i have only a vague recollection of what happened that night as my mind had stopped functioning at full capacity. numbness and indifference was my shield. i still loved her though, and i knew it. we agreed to end things, and stay separated for an extended & indefinite period of time. actually, it was my idea, and she had no choice but to agree. i was going to let her go. i figured that while she was living with me, she had made too many ties with me to leave me if she wanted to. the wedding, our families, our friends, her unemployment. i figured that forcing her out would solve at least 3 of these. if it's my idea, without specifying why, she wouldn't have to deal with it. she could just tell them i broke it off. her unemployment (which was in part due to my persuasion and in part due to her asshole of a boss) would only be temporary. once she had established herself in a few months, i'd give her at least a few more months to start dating again. so perhaps in a year, i was going to come back and see where she was in her life and ask, "do you still want me?" it would be a clean start, with no unfinished business hanging over our heads. 031117 ... dont ask the next morning though (i had let her stay the night due to my own weakness), she told me that in 3 months she would leave the state. she would disappear (basically run away) and just start over somewhere else. i tried to convince her not to, but i understood why she would want to. she said that when i wanted her back, someone would be able to get in touch with her and she would come back. we argued about it, but she wouldn't budge. at most, she agreed to stay 6 months to a year to wait for me. this completely defeated the purpose since she would have to start a new job and basically a new life when she came back. plus the unfinished business here in this state would remain unfinished. she asked if we could just stay together and work it out. i told her she had no idea of what she was asking of me. and i still don't think she does. 031117 ... dont ask what really got me then, and still gets me now, wasn't so much that it happened, but everything around it. you see, even after our week-long break. they continued to communicate via email/friendster/txtmsgs and it continued being as sexual as before. there was all this passion that she felt that she obviously didn't feel for me. and despite my alleged good qualities of "intelligence," "personality," "humor," "stability," "potential to be a great husband/father" and his "lack of depth," "commitment aversion," and "being hard to find,"i would have given anything to be him. and sometimes i still would. i would like to be the one who gives her butterflies in her stomach. but i know i'm not. and i know he does. i'm the guy in the movies that the main character is up against. the boring nice guy who always means well and tries to do the right thing, but still ends up getting ditched by the girl. ya know, i'm half expecting someone (maybe not even this guy, but someone else) to bust in on our wedding and say, "stop! don't marry him! i love you!" anyway, my ghosts are not of what happened between them, but of what isn't between us. i know she loves me, but it's something more than love. in many ways we're alike. which is why i know i'm the practical choice, not the passionate one. it's a lot to deal with and to know. 031117 ... dont ask a lot of the times i find myself questioning everything. sometimes i look at her and i wonder, "is she thinking about him now?" i don't know how to stop myself from wondering/questioning. i try to stop myself from thinking by being busy or sleeping or watching tv/dvds, but eventually i get some time alone and she's out with her friends and the thoughts start flooding back into my head again. it makes me wish for drugs or alcohol or a lobotomy. she really had no idea what she was asking for. things are getting better though. i still get flashes of pain, but they're under control. i believe we can make it through this. i believe we can move on and continue. i don't know if i'll ever "get over" this, but i believe in our future. 031117 ... shivers im crying for you 031117 ... misstree something cold and thick is sitting in the bottom of my stomach. you seem to be dealing with this the best possible way you can. i've ranted somewhere else about how i've cheated before, i don't care, blah blah blah, and i said that there was only one person i regret cheating on. your words could be coming out of the mouth of that one person. when i was with that one person, i wanted so bad, i wished so hard for everything to be all right, for me to feel the passion he deserved. i would burst into tears because i didn't feel what i thought i should. he treated me so very wonderfully, but there was that one piece missing, and it was right at the center. the people i cheated with didn't hold a candle to him. they inspired lust but not respect, entertainment but not friendship. but they were there, and i wasn't looking for something healthy or fulfilling--in fact, there were times i was looking for just the opposite. that person and i dated on and off for six years. when i saw him recently, he got very angry that i remember so many of the horrible things i did to him; he remembers only the best, the amusement parks and dinners downtown and the little wonders. but i can't stop asking myself how and why i hurt someone so wonderful so many times. that's my mini-ramble, nowhere near as open or compelling as yours, but, eeh. thank you for sharing, don't_ask, ya really plucked at some strings in me, made me feel, and dear god do i wish you the best. be well. 031118 ... girl_jane see: fucked_another 031118 what's it to you? who go blather from