dessiahs_song when i am finished with dissecting you, and dissecting myself, perhaps i will reveal our secret.
but not yet.
the poet sings.
dessiahs_song empty birds have no flight
like words on a wire
they fall, they break.
porcelean feathers, parodies of quills,
canvas skies, a saving illusion.
wingless in your power
of our wispy dreams to discard -
a mirror to fight what never belonged
a mirror to seek that penned song
(eminent silence in empty birds)

bound in static splendour
we await your decision.
dessiahs_song the Day comes closer. do i deign to expose a sliver of myself? my inadequacies are too great - but why should i be perfect? imperfections, methinks, are more interesting.
and life goes on, and irritability mounts. bad karma, black angels, a broken flute. and i am afraid i might burst, and cover them all with flesh, blood, and bone.
dessiahs_song a look, a word.

and you make me yours.
dessiahs_song happy birthday, s.
unhinged helping you clean your house
singing along with you to jeff_buckley
putting you to sleep with my voice

it is the ambiguous nature of these things
that i have to learn to revel in.

i don't want to encroach on the space you need right now, but the more static that piles up between us the more my head and my heart won't be able to handle the abandonment i'm predicting in the future. unless maybe, just maybe, i'm under your skin too. the splendor of being alone with you is becoming difficult to ignore.
dessiahs_song encroach? hardly.
we are not always condemned to be alone.
dessiahs_song aha! evil is mine.
the part, that is.

i think i am at last finding myself.
d quite wonderful indeed.
i forget about him, and now i am me, am me, am me. as close as possible.

'here comes your ghost again'

it vanishes. nothing is perfect, but this comes as close to it as possible. spread my wings and learn to fly, and not be futile, and not be afraid, 'the original vagabond'...
the invincible.
dessiahs_song wilde captivates. 061211
unhinged oh but i am condemned
to being so far while so near
suffocated by love
unable to speak
when all i want to say
'baby i love you
i wouldn't put anyone else above you'
rings deafening in my ears
condemned by fear
i've let too much love
slip through my hands over the years
i just want to curl up beside him
hold his face in my hands
but i sit silent
hoping i can deny it
too afraid to jump over that cliff
too afraid i'll fatally trip
killing my heart by degrees
souring our static splendor
with my own self_contempt
baby i love you
i wouldn't put anyone else above you
i do
love you
so much it hurts me to look at you
dessiahs_song 'blame it on the black star'

the sky falls, poppies and puppies tumble headlong into whirling pools of blue, and i am jealous of my dream.
dessiahs_song so caught up in the words, forgetting to mean a thing.
when i understand it, and i will, i will tell you. for now let me crawl away and hide.
dessiahs_song intentions, intentions.
what will come of it all?


cold seeps in through my feet. no stars (thank goodness, no memories). just drunken spirits, a glorious hope, and fog.

deck the halls.
dessiahs_song DEATHLY HALLOWS!!!!!!! 061221
dessiahs_song but tomorrow will be gone - tomorrow i will be gone.
chest to chest a heart echoing itself, till i felt like i'd never let go. arms entwined about a neck of many dreams - his, mine - holding endure, to endure.

the moment broke, a warmth sparkled at my fingertips, a smile on treacherous face, as i almost fell into the trap again.
healing tears fell soon, i strove to wash away the closeness (by no means exclusive, and so not there at all). i cried for him, for me, for her, and for her...till a numbness embraced me.

the second hug was more indifferent really. i gave it a final light squeeze though, to thank him for liking me.
pete . 061223
dessiahs_song i have my books and my poetry to protect me.
i am a rock. i am an island.
dessiahs_song (this last for you, my flit) 061225
dessiahs_song i am a world child
dancing on glass

we drown together, but not today.
dessiahs_song the tear glands get fussy at the oddest moments. 070101
the awful truth I think, this time, the truth is hard to find.
You travel down and back dark alleys in your mind.
Hoping, always looking for that open door you're seeking,
only passing barbed wire and rotten things reeking.
everything that you think that you thought you saw
turns out only to be a shadow or a song
playing on a broken record
the same ugly four notes repeating every second
every time that you hear that sick refrain
it rips open more and more questions in the brain.
everything you see? everything you know?
how do you really know you know what it is you know?
How do you know that this is the way?
how do you know THESE days are THE days?
we walk around always looking for an answer
we call ourselves the chosen, the Earth's defender
but this ain't true but we can't see the truth
through this staic splendour.
dessiahs_song ah, browning.
you i am prepared to love.
dessiahs_song yay!
show, show (yourself to me, purple mirrors smoke and be free)
dessiahs_song jazz up and blow away...
a speck of dust
bubbling bubbling sawdust
the eyes stream when they shouldn't.
('you should be cheerful,' just now)

this slow descent into madness
dessiahs_song no, not madness.
just a blue blue depression.

i lied.
but something holds me back from feeling.
it's a symptom, they say.
of a blue blue depression.
dessiahs_song yeah yeah yeah.

across the hall.


and i? cry because i have none (april fool's coming up).

past loves return but are never revived. i think i am thankful for that, but nostalgic at the same time.

loves drift further away too, and i vow to never talk to him, and them again. ever.

yeah yeah yeah.
dessiahs_song momentary elevation. studystudystudyugh.
but it makes sense in my head.
i want music.
dessiahs_song what is tomorrow supposed to be?
mirages lurk like spiders.
but soon i shall be old.
dessiahs_song 17, child.
the world is born anew...
dessiahs_song to think i waved at one of those hims today, and smiled.
remember the spicywarm tingle every time the child saw him? discovories, like no one had ever known it before.

another him steadfastly ignores. good. except that i had intended on doing the ignoring, and this spoils my plans somewhat.

(and i fall in love with imogen heap instead, and diaries about motorcycles...)
dessiahs_song it is, it is just i. what it has come to...everyone else drowning in pools of starry eyes, and this is precisely my point.
there is an 'everyone else', and i, just i. concentrated entirely on the self - all its numerous joys and sorrows holed into, dug deep within. stagnation without.
a validity is gained by lovers and lips. by secret corners of darkness where there is light.

i'm still obsessing. see?
Lucy oh good !

whats your name? Peter Pan?
dessiahs_song nope. i'm the tooth fairy. 070228
dessiahs_song burn burn brittle and break. 070301
unhinged but_still
when it's just me and you
dessiahs_song this_new_balloon makes for cranberries and cupcakes.
who do i love best? my flitty.
dessiahs_song how utter. 070311
dessiahs_song i thought i had gone.
but all things return, like rain.

now to read these blue words on the blue page - i am distant, abstracted. for i don't remember. this is a curse, and a good one.
how tired i was. how i drooped.

brand new now, needing the old identity just so i don't forget that people change, and change, and change.
unhinged the_friend_fallacy 140704
unhinged i say 'no' now 150218
what's it to you?
who go