unhinged bodhisattva_vow 051228
unhinged let me liberate those that are unliberated
let me protect those that are unprotected
let me relieve those that are unrelieved
my liberation is the liberation of all
my emptiness is the emptiness of all
my suffering is the suffering of all
my happiness is the happiness of all


right mind
right speech
right heart
unhinged i realized why it's been so hard; such a long reluctant struggle. i had so much compassion for everyone else and none for myself. religion, spirituality, that shit i swore i would never need, helped give me the one thing i was so afraid of; a little compassion for myself. 060508
misstree i never swore off anything (except maybe deciding on a One True Personal Savior... there are just too many to choose from), but still i find myself... many things... no, that's not right, i do_not find myself many things... in fact, i can't really find myself right now... but that's not the point...

my compassion for others is a coin flip... sometimes i would give someone my last packet of ramen, sometimes i dream flippantly of damaging depravity... but even that's not the point...

i know the fear of which you speak... terrified to be the least bit compassionate or forgiving or accepting of myself, on the occasions when there is compassion in me... only the beastly bits will nod their approval, and that's not love, not even pride, it's something else... something grinning in the dark...

what kind of monster do i allow in myself when i fear compassionate touch as if it were cross to vampire's forehead? when any come too close, i bare teeth and growl, all the while drawing myself back to keep my jaws from leaping at them, wishing i could soothe rather than snarl...

mayhaps it is my mood, but i have only tenuous grip of compassion without... compassion within... so frightening i cannot concieve of it... like a trauma victim in shock, my mind is blank, disallowing, shaking its head like a stubborn child...

unhinged... i ask you from sere recesses... a weak voice within...

unhinged dear misstree
i'm so so sooooo sorry i haven't noticed this til now. the answer is so simple it's annoying actually. there is this tibetan meditation practice called:


i've never been too serious about it. i don't do it everyday. it's more like my form of buddhist prayer and i only ever pray when something or another forces me to my knees and won't let me get back up. but the weird thing about tonglen is it's like redecorating for your soul. it changes around all the partitions in your brain and heart, gets rid of them even, so that you have room in there for compassion for yourself and others. the trick is you have to believe you are deserving of it. you just have to believe that the power works you know? *shrugs*

it's so hard for me to describe. my spiritual transformation, how i got there, how it happened, how i got here. i still have shitty days. but now, almost everytime i look in the mirror i smile at myself. now, i don't see the few annoying faults like a stray hair or a hormone induced zit. i don't have the dark heavy circles under my eyes and my eyes aren't glazed and empty. because i don't believe the bullshit i used to tell myself anymore; that that's just me and that's how i deserve to be. no_one_deserves_it all that shittiness i used to heap on myself. i can't really describe it; i still get sad. but i can chase it away with my light. i don't sit in it for days, weeks, months, anymore. because no_one_deserves_it INCLUDING ME or you or the asshole of a president of the united states or my sister i haven't talked to in years cause she's a bitch, yeah even she doesn't deserve it.


and the two books that inspired it all:

the tibetan book of living and dying by sogyal rinpoche

the wisdom of forgiveness by hh the dalai lama and victor chan
leni when i say you, i mean me ... or past me...
it's easy, tempting to be hard on yourself, to hurt yourself, it hurts but it sort of feels good too, familiar, maybe because other people hurt you...
it's hard to let go and do something new, like accept, trust, love yourself. it's also kind of boring. when i let go of self-cruelty maybe i let go of some other things too...
but it's worth it.
i'm gonna look at those books unhinged, ta. sounds like your at a good place.
unhinged not always good, but definitely better 060610
sffs pull out da shottie 070703
hsg i used to fear that it'd be a awaste of energy & resources. but oh how inversed my position was! 080529
unhinged inversed indeed friend. it's the best use of your energy and resources. i've been sending myself a little love lately and it is slowly but definitely lifting my sadness. 080529
daf PLUR 080529
unhinged i was walking from trader joe's and noticed my bus there with the door open. stinky homeless guy was standing on the corner and when i asked the bus driver if he was coming back around the smell hit me. (i mean not to be insensitive but everytime i am on the bus with this particular homeless guy there is a noticeable smell) but this time it smelled like dead people mixed with manure. like the guy shit himself and had an infection or something. my stomach is still turning.

when i got on the bus, the smell was worse. a black girl near the back door was covering her face with her jacket. three people got on the bus and got back off on the layover. i also covered my face with my sweater and dabbed some sandalwood right under my nostrils. i felt like an asshole for covering my nose but i'm still kinda nauseous from it. the guy wasn't even on the bus anymore, but i still felt bad for being sickened and offended by the smell.

a bunch of college kids and another homeless guy got on the bus. they all talked and pointed at the guy; i had my headphones on which i listen to pretty loudly and i could still hear them. i wanted to say 'he's not the one stinking up the bus' but either way the guy is homeless not deaf. does it really help the situation to point and stare and just sit there and do nothing productive?

there has to be a shelter that guy can go to to bathe. right? *sigh*
unhinged i just put my hand on his knee
unhinged it was pain, raw and vulnerable. what we spent most of our relationship hiding from each_other.

you deflected, pointed the finger 'what i dont like about you is...'

i couldnt fling that shit back. but i have spent plenty of time in the past month thinking and talking to myself about what i didnt like about you. we both had so many events in our lives that lead us to each_other. the karma of that created a brief intersection. i still miss you. but i dont think it is healthy to repress feelings. i cant process if im worried about how that affects you. i still miss you.

i will not point my finger at you
i pray for your ultimate happiness
what's it to you?
who go