misstree so no shit, there i was, i'd had a few...

i was talking to an old friend named weirdfish. we're quite good at playing "coach" for eachother when needed. always there with a "good job!" "or "you idiot!" as appropriate, not letting the other wallow but instead pointing out just the right truths.

so we're discussing my current situation/enviornment/chaos_flavor. and he's seen me live through some serious stray cattage, and he's reassuring me that this is no harder than any of the other episodes. "i know, fishy, but i'm terrified."

"no, you're not," he tells me, and continues before i can argue. "you are not filled with terror."

"then what the hell is this?"

"low-level panic. and it's perfectly understandable. you spend your life constantly in a state of low-level panic, and it's not good for you. fix it."

"i'm trying, fishy, duh."

"yeah, but take a look. always just a little extra adrenaline, stress, always on the edge of that fight_or_flight response. i don't know how you do it. it would kill most people. and you never actually panic. you're just always at the edge of it."

"call it a skill," i drawl bitterly.

"it's a skill. look at the shit you've done. hunter_s_thompson and jack_kerouac would be proud."

i laugh, proud and ashamed at once to be put with their ilk, like i'm not worthy. and i think of where i am and where i've been, some of it far too sensitive to be spoken of while immersed, and i begin to see some of the similarities. the hell's angels were just another_story for hunter, and would be for me, if i weren't busy with my modern versions.

only i don't write about them like he does. and i'm sorry about that, my invisible audience. i'd fill you with observations on drug cultures and all the invisible aspects, of different breeds of street kids, of activists and trustafarians, of the sex industry, of all degrees of insanity, and that's just in a month and a half here.

but i haven't the time or the motivation. i'm grey from having all this adrenaline leaking out of me all the time. i'm the twitching bunny until i have my nest.

once i get there, i'll sit down and write at least some of it all out. in the meantime, i'm too busy Being. and trying to not let the panic flutter me too bad.

wish me luck, i'm diving back in...
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gja Yep 081115
flowerock remain_unastonished

drink water

my heart is learning and so am I.
I am up and down. panicked then optimistic an confident the in tears and sick and back up to loing the sunshine and hills...
as long as I have my lover and our doggie it will be ok. we will find a way.
unhinged what happens when there is no lover, no dog, no one but you?

maybe panic is not the right word for it.

my lover decided i wasnt worth keeping. the dog was part of a family he had made with someone else (who left him and made a family with someone else). like ripples on water, dominoes tumbling over.


as biological animals, humans are supposed to have mates and companions. spending too much time alone is like going without water, food, air. there is a certain hysteria i can feel in the vibrating of my heart when i am mateless. a hysteria that has been there for way too long, that i can only assume will continue to be there for the indefinite future.

he told me i should trust more. i think i should trust less.
flowerock when there has been no lover and no doggie in the past, I went into extreme manic depressive states. I left my last dog with my exhusband. I left him and the dog in the house and used the truck to move my stuff before leaving it back with him too. I left him, I guess that makes a small difference. It felt a relief and a burden, a joy and pain at the same time. Of course there times that we will be alone, we always hope that this time it won't end and the aloness will not return(this time I am 99.9% sure it wont end, but that 1% is always there, we can't control eachother's hearts and minds). When we are alone we still can't panic, not all the time. We are whole and good on our own, that is why we are worth eachother's time, whole life times even. I am sorry that you and many others are without mates, especially since your heart appears to be so deep and sincere, at least that is the inage that your words paint here to me. I d say something like "you re not alone there are so many humans!" but things like that son t usually really make me feel better... just obligated to smile and nod.

If I were to lose this mate/family I might just lose it for a while and travel with a back pack as far as I could, hopeully I d survive, maybe find my way to the rainforest where a friend lives sometimes. go be celibate with the gay shaman. but more likely I d just get lost for a while... or maybe just keep doing what I m doing now but alone... it's always different, but usually involves completely uprooting and living in chaos until the next love_cycle.
paste! three months ago, i moved out and left her and our three doggies and two cats behind. i screamed with unburdened joy the first night i got to drive to my new unsettled home to sleep alone after a four year relationship. the sleepless nights are still many. i miss her tremendously, we still talk, still try to patch things together but it won't happen and shouldn't happen. i've panicked, threatened to kill myself, felt entirely helpless being alone, reminisced, yearned and hoped it could work out again. i still do. but i need to let go and find someone who can be a better match. as i get older, i think the likelihood of finding the right someone lessens, but again i haven't been searching hard enough. i still stay home alone when i have free time and hardly talk to people anymore. i still talk to her far too often, trying to figure out a way to reconcile or recover something that was never right to begin with. its like a weird bandaid that i still talk to her. this is first time i've ever remained in contact with someone i've broken up with after loving so intensely. the doggies miss me and every time i see them they seem sadder. they've been fighting with each other, sometimes bloody and potentially serious. she might have to give one away! that would be terrible. but sometimes you have to give something up to move forward. i think i need to learn that lesson myself because i can't live this way anymore. 140724
paste! i guess that's not entirely true about closing off contact with former serious companions (i hate the word ex). i still talk to blather_baby mama (yummychuckle, twenty seven, et al.) once a week or so, about wren. and there were times back then as well when her and i parted ways and i thought the love_cycle would never renew. so there is hope i suppose. 140724
unhinged i have a hard time believing i will ever have a husband let alone an exhusband. i cant seem to get someone to stay beyond three months let alone three years.

there is no reason to panic at futility. like i said. maybe panic isnt the word for it.

i have nothing to come home to but more work. panic isnt the word for it.
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