their_company_was_comforting Nirvanic Blind I had to keep jolting my head up because the blackness kept getting too dark. I must've been too paranoid to keep my eyes closed for too long. This freak walking around wasn't helping the situation. They made me take off my shoes before I came in, so if I got in a fight now I'd be sliding everywhere. They probably would've just let me take off my shoelaces, but I didn't feel like taking the time. "(my name here), follow me please". She took me into a small room barely big enough for 2 chairs and a table, but the ceiling was pretty high. She was pregnant. She asked me if I was here voluntarily. I said yes. "So, why are you here"? "....I don't know". "You don't know why your here"? "..I..something, just...". "I'm going to say 3 different words" she interrupted, "and I want you to repeat them to me in the same order". I'm pretty sure I got them right. "Now I want you to count backwards by sevens starting with a hundred". I took a while and gave off about 3 or 4 numbers and asked her if that was enough. She said okay. She then asked me if I knew where I was. "In a small room" I said. "Do you know where this room is"? "In a hospital". "Do you remember how you got here"? "In a car". "But how did you get in this room"? "Through a bunch of twisting hallways". "Can you tell me exactly how you got to this room"? "I'm not sure. But I know where I'm at". I don't remember much of the rest of our session. I remember her saying something about how I try to medicate myself with alchohol and I remember agreeing with her. "But why do you drink"? "Because it makes me a better person", I responded. "You seem like a really nice person to me sober". I gave her a crooked smile while I looked down then shrugged my shoulders. When we were finished she asked me to repeat the 3 words she gave in the beginning of our session in the same order. I could only remember 2 of the words. I can't say she really helped any. I went back to the larger room with the other people in it. I could hear some cries and screams coming from somewhere else in the building. I was then invited to a conversation between a guy and a girl. I wanted to get away from this guy standing behind me so I went to sit with them. The guy was there for trying to drive his car off a bridge. The girl was in there for trying to kill herself with pills. I obviously dont feel like writing right now, so I dont know why I'm taking the time to do this. I actually felt like talking about this at first. I've tried to write about it before but I can never get myself to finish it. It's really frustruating trying to express this. It iritates me. I tried to look at it from the bright side and just talk about what made me feel good about this but I couldn't ignore everything else and now I can't finish it. I'm sure I'll try again 031223 ... Nirvanic Blind this is the reason for my silence. ever since i tried to force this experience into expression i've been unable to think. unable to feel. just like i was that day. i can even remember why i tried to remember this again. at first i thought that i probably just needed someone to understand. but it really has nothing to do with that. its about me coming to peace with myself. i was explaining this much better before i got kicked offline. whatever i felt that day has stayed with me ever since i tried to remember it again. i couldn't speak. i couldn't think. but when i was within their company it didn't matter. i guess because i didn't care if they thought i was crazy. they were probably more fucked up than i was. when it was time for me to leave i didn't want to go. i actually felt like i belonged. i need more friends like them. for a long time after i left i wanted to go back. but i think it was just a way of giving up. i wouldn't be going back for help. i would be going back to be with them. once again i've forgotten the point. i cant remember where i was going with this. how fuckin anoying. Maybe if I can understand this I can feel. Maybe if I can understand this I can stop hurting myself. But I'm not even half as bad as I was back then. Maybe that's the problem. In trying to make myself better, I've made myself feel nothing. Now, any emotion will be appreciated. Besides frustuation. It seems to be the only active emotion I have left. A new year is starting. I feel like if I can't do it right this year, there's just no hope. And I'm still so far away from being content. I haven't been satisfied with anything in a very long time. Trying to reach that underlying emotion has stretched me beyond my means. Trying to understand this incomprehensible thought has caused my anxiety. My inability to reach it has caused my numbness. Because when that fails, there's no where else to go. So I've stayed here. No where. And I really can't find any way out. If those people were here they could help. I just need to be in the comfort of their company. Because we could help ourselves understand each other. This is what I had to say. The events of that night aren't really important. Because it really just comes down to what the title says. Their company was comforting. I feel like I should feel a little better now that I've been able to explain it a little better. But nothing has been resolved. Really, even this has been pointless. It's true, because once again I don't remember the point. It's like if there's nothing left to say, but I know there is. Its like a nail in my mind. I can just about physically feel it hurt. I can feel it being hammered through. These words scare me. I wish I wouldn't say such things. The only person hurting me is myself, and I don't know how to stop it. I just hope I'm not the only person this makes sense to. Because then I'll know I've really lost it. 031229 ... birdmad somewhere, in some psychological hinterland between pacification and listlessness 031229 ... mekeria "My inability to reach it has caused my numbness. Because when that fails, there's no where else to go." Yeah... I think this means something different to me, than it does you, but the truth in it rings louder than any alarm going off in my mind. It was comforting - this company. And now I'm feeling deprived of the carrot dangled in front of me for so long. Loyalty is a trick. Or, at least a convincing front. 031230 ... mon "this is the reason for my silence. ever since i tried to force this experience into expression i've been unable to think. unable to feel. just like i was that day. i can even remember why i tried to remember this again. at first i thought that i probably just needed someone to understand. but it really has nothing to do with that. its about me coming to peace with myself." . 031230 ... mon (i saw my own self here) 031230 ... effects of my confessions I can never stop hurting myself because this is who I've become. Even when i feel like I'm dying I keep pushing, looking for a clear sign of my death. I'm so confused about everything that even a type of clarity about my death is welcomed. I've seen friends leave and I've wondered why I've stop recieving phone calls from people that could've became friends. Maybe I was too intense. But I never judged them, because I knew what it was like to be different. So, why couldn't they accept me the same way. I think maybe people want to die alone. I know I'd prefer that over some freak accident that leaves me to be a show to other people's curiousity. So, this may be the only way. I drown in my alchohol and soak in my fears, thinking that I may become adjusted. But there's just no way to accept this kind of thing. I've lost interest in everything because I'm just no longer a part of life. As many times as I've tried, I just can't feel the way I want to feel. These feelings are unatainable. Blocked by the sorrow and negativity I've lost myself in. Where I've been lost so long that it's just become a second nature. I'm no longer familar with the person that I've wanted to be, so how can it ever be again? I sometimes wonder why I haven't just ended it all. It's not like I haven't seen it play in my imagination dozens of times before. I've been fed up enough to feel the barrel on my temple, knife upon my wrist, and to feel the cuts slice through my legs. I've felt the comfort of the blood and the satisfaction of my transition. But the truth is that there's just no cause. These are just the demons of my past that make me do this. The same memories that have caused me to withdrawl from everything, to the point where I've run away so much I no longer have a reason to end it. So I'm forced to feel my slow death by myself. You wouldn't understand it anyway. 040410 ... silentbob i didn't want to leave, because i finally stopped talking about it altogether and kept my thoughts to myself, and finally they were just there for me in a way i needed them to be, in a way they always were but in a way i couldn't have them. seperated. because of how involved they were. 040410 ... ambermoon and now i know im not alone . 040410 ... werewolf and they were just birds, rustling leaves. every living thing in the park that day, seemed like seeds from some strange flower, in different stages of germination, holding hands looking back looking forward 040410 what's it to you? who go blather from