i_could_fly shower singer It happens when I'm standing at the top of a drop, a cliff or a mountain or a building. First there is the terror of the height and the edge. But then suddenly I feel that if I jumped off, I could fly. And the feeling is so strong and so sure that I have to step back. It's almost irrisistable. I'm scared that one day I will forget to pull my self away. It's not a suicide wish, it's a flight wish. I somehow have a body_memory of flight, and It happens when I'm standing at the top of a drop, a cliff or a mountain or a building. First there is the terror of the height and the edge. Then suddenly I am completely filled with the feeling that if I jumped off, I could fly. The feeling is so strong and so sure that I have to step back. It's almost irresistible. I'm worried that one day I will forget to pull my self away. It's not a suicide wish, it's a flight wish. I somehow have a body_memory of flight, and in those moments I know exactly what it feels like and how it is done. If I could just bring myself to jump, I know I could fly. I thought it was just one of those feelings that everyone gets, but I asked people and apparently it's not. in those moments I know exactly what it feels like and how it is done. If I could just bring myself to jump, I know I could fly. I thought it was just one of those feelings that everyone gets, but I asked people and apparently it's not. 040416 ... shower singer sorry, let me try that again- ................. It happens when I'm standing at the top of a drop, a cliff or a mountain or a building. First there is the terror of the height and the edge. Then suddenly I am completely filled with the feeling that if I jumped off, I could fly. The feeling is so strong and so sure that I have to step back. It's almost irresistible. I'm worried that one day I will forget to pull my self away. It's not a suicide wish, it's a flight wish. I somehow have a body_memory of flight, and in those moments I know exactly what it feels like and how it is done. If I could just bring myself to jump, I know I could fly. I thought it was just one of those feelings that everyone gets, but I asked people and apparently it's not. 040416 ... Piso Mojado i know that feeling (its not suicidal, its exhilirating) 040416 ... kookaburra i know that i could fly, i just havent tried it yet 040416 ... nomme it's a swim-fly feeling for me i have a memory of running really fast and jumping up and swim-flying up to the sea-sky and swim-flying around in the air is scared of heights and steep hills 040416 ... nomme diving board 040416 ... birdmad but sinei don't have a doppler radar imaging system implanted in my behind, the wind_shear has smacked me to the ground like a_bird_falling_out_of_the_sky every time 040416 ... shower singer swim_flying, that’s it. I often fly in dreams too, usually as a way of escaping when running won't work. It is accomplished through a combination of running, jumping and willpower. 040417 ... Piso Mojado but i can never fly high enough, quick enough to get away from those chasing me. and i think, fly dammit fly, as if my willpower will get me up and safe. they always catch me, though. 040417 ... shower singer What happens when they catch you?? I've never actually been caught. I half believe that I would actually die in my sleep if they ever caught me. If flying doesn't work I usually wake myself up with terror. 040418 ... somedaysam if only you loved me i could soar above everything bad on the wings your love would give me the freedom would almost be too much for someone like me long tethered in an unhappy state 040418 ... Piso Mojado sometimes i wake up. sometimes i beg them "please" sometimes the saga goes on- i die (because it's my death they want) and my ghost has to run away from them all over again. sometimes it is i who stops the chase, not because i am caught, but because i know they are stronger than me and will get me. these are the dreams that i had 3x a week for 2 years. now, for some reason, no one chase me anymore. instead i am endlessly packing my bags for last minute trips. (sigh) 040418 ... Borealis if I threw myself off the bridge, I would fly. too scared to try though 040418 ... shower singer No one else can ever fly in my dreams, just me. I leave everyone watching me envioulsy from the ground. It's the ultimate comeback. Nightmares suddenly become quiet stories about drifting around familiar places and buildings meters above the usual level. . 040418 ... oldephebe flying in dreams..yeah..i go through phases where'll i'll several flying dreams a week..but it's not outta fear or something...just me transcending this little box i've allowed the world to paint me in.. wait i can't write w/o my box of wine...it's not a crutch..i'm not an alchoholic, no not by any means..my box of wine is a talismanic cognitive acouterement - i mean it's like the ritual and the release allows me to make open mouth kiss slurpy noises with the mystical - it's totally more about my mind seeing beyond it's manifested and or conditioned perception of limitation - it's not about a transient buzz but about the bliss of pirouetting in the pleosphere, filled with the solar wind, hurtling through the heliosphere, whispering in my ear, the doorway to a sepulcre..so instead of a locket containg my mantra i've got a flask of "Jack"..what's wrong with that..? oh yeah so flying...i used to have a primordial sense of fear about flying..now i find myself kinda exhilirated by hieghts.. my conscience is an albatross, cluttering up everything, palms out a corpse holding court sighs sharply as the grave comes the stubble, on my chin? It's grave grass. 040419 ... oldephebe wait pleosphere has to do with a think mild combustion properties of re-constituted fuel in organic/inorganic molecular mediums...something like that..don't know why i used it here... ... riding the boughs of solar winds..eyah that's for me baby..hugging my haloed honey in the heliosphere... ... 040419 ... oldephebe i mean you stand there and it's so quiet so holy away from the sounds of self-sabotage, you stop mutilating yourself with words you stop allowing the dogs to dig up the graves that hold your most cherished and by association painful memories and drag them through town.. and It seems to call to you the freedom the flight no more surly bonds to strap me to this plane of throe..right? and you can't help being taken by the undertow of all these things. "I'm coming!" You want to say to that great pull, gentle and yet powerful like a greater part of yourself and the world is calling you back to your body, your home...only you just don't know it yet, but you will when you get there... no more bowels rotting in a decaying corpse entombing every unclean breath..that you take sharply..like your lungs threaten to shatter every time you take it In, take It in.. When I was 19 and met her from that very first night..that we watched the water riple silver on the surface of the pond in the Day's innocence..she gave me that feeling..the feeling of flying..she brought magic to me in very breath..i don't think i ever made it that clear to her..and i think that if she really understood she'd have found a better more gracious means of discarding my life...i don't think in all my life..i could have ever uttered an unkind or harsh word to her..i think i would have let her pelt me with a hammer or pour lye down my throat..that was the extent of my Love for her..her happiness was so important to me..seeing that smile..god i cherished those last dying echoes of memories.. now they come unsummoned, they come with pain, they come with a force that crushes my spirit... to this very day..i would rush to her side to stand between hell and death to keep her alive, here, safe..and return her to her family, husband children... i would abandon my life to sit by her hospital bed..look beyond the the body broken and maimed..just to look for HER in those eyes..because you know it would be Her, you know? What the hell else could I ever do? This will go with me to the grave..and yeah i've loved..and lusted and i might do so again..maybe..and I have a beautiful son that i cherish, and the memory of my dead wife pulses like a pike being thrust into my heart but it all pales next to Her. So yeah damn straight, I want to fly, I want the Ages, whatever is calling to me up there on that mountaintop to return to me the exuberance i had all those years ago... I so want to fly...with the memory of those incandescent eyes burning in my heart i could look into death and as it spreads it's dark embittered wings around me i could say bravely..hell yeah i loved once, i flew, she made magic come out of me..so if it's my time then let's get it over with.. ... 040419 ... kookaburra some day i will fly away, one day when i've had it with the whole goddamn world, i'm gonna walk onto the field by my school, and i'm gonna take take a running start. when im running im gonna sprout big old black wings, and im gonna take off and fly away...you think im kidding?????? i know i can do anything... 040419 ... oldephebe Toni Morrison: Song of Solomon 040430 ... Piso Mojado close my eyes and jaunt/teleport dreams slowly becoming lucid 050410 what's it to you? who go blather from