endless_heartbreak leadx "so maybe there's hope," she says. again. we spend all this time deciding whether or not to have hope. what is hope? is it expecting a certain outcome? hoping that he won't keep doing the same thing over and over again, repeating what he's been doing for the last decade? or just hope that it won't get worse? hope that we'll never get the news that he's dead. that he's just fucking dead. it's hard not to wonder, as a look around at my life, my success, how it is that I got here when he's still stuck there. do I deserve this? does he deserve that? I get a whisper every once and while, "maybe I could save hime." At least I know better than to listen. Then I wonder, who am I to care? Then the follow up: I deserve to feel however I feel. But I don't believe myself 100%. I have no one to talk to about this. Or maybe I just don't want to try, because the conversation never goes the way I want. Or I feel I don't deserve any sympathy. I don't want sympathy. I just want someone to hear how I feel. Really hear. I feel sad. I feel so deeply sad. Sad that he can't stop being sad. Sad that he can't stop hurting himself. So so sad that he could never be the father his son deserved. Sad that my own dad never got his wish of making a better life for his son. Sad that I can't do anything to help. Sad that my mom has tried so many ways to help and is truly hitting her own bottom of codependency. Sad that to some extent she must feel like a failure as a mother. Sad that she sees me, like I do, as a comparison to him... lost in wondering why... how we turned out so differently. I feel sad that he scares me. Sad that I don't know what to say to him. When I look back at my various struggles and life crisis, I am able to say that even the worst of events had value. I learned something important. I became me, and though me still has some issues, I regard me as a success. But I don't see any silver lining in the tragedy of his life, for him, or anyone else. It just seems like an endless heartbreak. There's nothing to do but let it be what it is. It is what it is. 130901 ... unhinged equanimity genuine_sadness my life has been a shitstorm of my own making for years now but i got myself through it. i still wake up, breathe, sleep, eat. and that thought actually makes me smile heartless_holiday heartache heartbroken heart_pang 130901 ... unhinged today the loneliness is deafening. i will get up, i will go to work, i will come home, and there will be no incentive to do these things. i will do them because that is what im conditioned to do. i will ache for affection to bridge the chasm in my heart but i will receive none. tonight i will toss and turn in my bed with no one beside me to keep me still. that is the way of things for me. i cant forsee that changing any time soon. 130903 ... unhinged ouch magnified these days by the reality that i abandon_expectations that this will ever change 150331 ... unhinged . 151128 ... dexla He said to me, "You've never talked about him much." I felt, as I have a million times, "It's not my story to tell. I don't know what to tell you. I don't want you to feel bad for me or for him. More than anything, I don't want you to look down on him, like you know." You don't know, I don't know. We haven't lived it. And I can't get into the story so casually. To tell you, I have to step outside of myself, to detach myself from the painful reality. I can only give you the barest summary, designed to keep you away from your own humanity. Because I do not want to stand around and cry with you without some kind of warning and preparation. Easier to pretend there's nothing excruciatingly heartbreaking about the whole matter. We've moved on. Everything is better now. End of story. Yeah. 151129 ... unhinged sometimes talking doesn't make the pain any less; sometimes talking is just like picking at a scab 151130 ... falling_alone the year before, you made a new piece about broken loves past and a story of coyotes, turtles, beach chickens, and game shows. the year before i was still in love with you when you danced with me during rehearsal and said the only things i had wanted to hear from you. the script didn't change you danced with me again, my feelings haven't changed. the love you think about now is still fresh though and i came in on you crying while you cleaned up the props. i wished my arms were hers then instead of wishing you loved mine. it seems the easier way of making you happy, since i'm still not it. we shadow boxed each for an hour after that. feather punches to the chest, my heart your lungs, kicks to nerves on the thighs, clinching around the neck, throwing each other onto the bed. my laughter trying to combat the sadness behind your eyes. your laughter stirring up the emotion i wish i had let go. 160212 ... xelda Despite my attempted ban on hope, things are looking rather hopeful. I won't be shocked if there's a relapse, but I will be sad, and I'll do my best to give myself permission to feel that way. But maybe, just maybe, there is an end to the heartbreak after all. 160213 ... lexad Instead of saying that he never will, Instead of saying that if he does we should punish him, He says that he never wants to again. We stay awkwardly quiet when he says this. Everything we could say seems wrong. Everyone knows it could happen again. But there is something different about saying that he doesn't want it to happen that seems less delusional... like he knows it depends on him, and on circumstances... no false promises. I want to scream into the wind, and tell him that I am so sorry that he experienced all the hurt that he did, and that it led him to make the choices that he did, but there's just no way to say it that works. And so, we say nothing. 160709 ... xaled The dumbest part might be that we are tempted to believe that we could make any difference... That if we said or did the right thing, it would prevent tragedy. There is no fixing. There is only listening supportively. But fear keeps me from listening supportively. Fear of opening myself to the pain. Fear of not performing the magical "right thing" and therefore being magically responsible for whatever happens. Every year I get another chance to try. Maybe I am finally smart enough to stop trying. 180624 ... unhinged i told myself i finished trying but the first opportunity that presents itself there i am trying again i blame it on neuroscience all the logic in the world can't evade biology 180625 ... xedla A dull, low moan In its place - A deep ache Arising and passing Arising and passing - Sinking down Pouring out the sides - Forgetting Turning away - Remembering Ready for the blow 221207 ... unhinged i thought my 20s were bad then covid happened then i watched my dad die from leukemia then my friend of over 20 years and roommate of over 10 years kicked me to the curb *siiiigh* 221207 ... egohum as is said 221208 what's it to you? who go blather from