wordless_conversations
unhinged you kicked my foot with the toe of your heavy shoe. she had nudged me and asked me if i was okay and you overheard. and i sat on the floor focusing on your feet and nodded my head. she wasn't going to get me to leave. (i tortured myself like that back then. stayed in her presence when her presence made me invariably sick because leaving was like letting her win) that was when you kicked my foot. and i looked up to see you perched on the chair in front of the computer, all the lifelines of pro-tools in different colors, solidness, as you recorded her. and you were staring down at me and i looked away because you were always too honestly intense for me and you kicked me again. you didn't say anything because the microphone was on that was hooked up to her headphones because you were recording her. and you stared at me and bugged your eyes out a little as if to say 'well?' and i just stared back. blankly and i could feel the corners of my mouth slanted down and i watched your eyes soften the slightest bit. and you slightly turned in the chair to face the computer again; 'let's try that again. it was almost there that time.' and i stared at the wires under the table that the computer was on; at the trash can overflowed with beer cans and ash and cigarette butts. i looked around for my purse and lit a cigarette so that it occupied my hands and my eyes so that in case you looked my way again i could pretend to be absorbed in smoking a cigarette. that was the day that i realized i didn't have to smile for you. the next time i saw her (she had called asking me to go to dinner, then asking me to go to walmart, and then we got high; i still didn't have the strength to tell her no) she asked me if i was mad at her because you had told her from that wordless conversation that night at the studio that you thought that i was. i couldn't talk and i nodded my head but she just took that for a positive reaction. i didn't have wordless conversations with her the way i did with you. you knew what my eyes said even if my mouth was saying the opposite.
...
we were driving home from the niles dennys late at night in the hours where the highway was empty and all you could here was the wind. we were listening to the radio. i started to cry and turned my head to look out the window so you wouldn't see me crying. at some point, you noticed that i was crying. whether because you were trying to have a conversation with me and i was unresponsive or i couldn't hide my sniffles, i don't remember anymore. and you asked me what was wrong and when i tried to talk only ugly sobs came out of my mouth. you stopped at the red light; usually at that time of night in that neighborhood you crashed the red lights; and hugged me. i left tears on your shirt. when we finally got home, you hugged me while i cried until i was finally done crying and didn't ask me again what was wrong. you knew and we didn't have to talk about it. you knew cause you felt the same way too. you didn't make me talk about it cause you knew talking wouldn't do any good. you just held me and let my cry because you understood.
....
frank
kt
jeff
wendy
jake

they all live in different cities than me now. next month, kt is moving to california and jeff is moving to hawaii. i miss having wordless_conversations with them. because sometimes i need to talk, but only my eyes know how to say it and they are the only ones that ever understand that my eyes don't lie. eyes don't lie.
040719
...
unhinged i was sitting on the rocker in the kids' playroom trying to stop the flood that threatened to flow right out of my eyes. it's hard for me to see you leave now; it's hard to say when you'll be coming my way again. they were the last precious hours we'd all have together for probably another year. i tried not to get upset but i couldn't help it; everytime i heard one of their little voices say 'uncle jeff' i just couldn't help it. the kids wandered into the back of the house and you came a little closer staring into my tear-filled eyes and leaned over and gave me a kiss without saying a word. i knew you were mad at me for getting upset but i just couldn't help it. i miss you before you are even gone. i cried less this time though. slowly, i get used to the thought of you happy so far away. i still learn from you what i couldn't teach myself all inside the space of a glance. my brother, my right arm, my best friend.

in high tide
or in low tide
i'll be by your side
you know that
i'll be by your side
060123
...
unhinged or

arielle, 'i love you most auntie nicole'

and then i just couldn't stop the flood. before i could pull her close to me for a hug so she wouldn't see, the tears tumbled out. she covered my eyes with her hands like the three year old she was; if she couldn't see my tears i wasn't really crying. i tried to pull her hands away but she wouldn't let me. when i finally could get a look at her, she had a distressed look; it's in her stars to be concerned about people she loves, a little mother before her time. i knew then she would always be my baby and that i couldn't have any of my own. it made me want to cry even harder, the look in her eyes. but i tried to smile at her and owen who had also crawled up next to me on the loveseat with concern in his eyes. the love of babes, a priceless but wordless conversation reflected in their perfect small blue eyes.
060123
...
unhinged child_elegance 081026
...
unhinged photographic_memory 090908
...
unhinged 'you used to call me out with just a look'

i was never really sure if he noticed
or
i lived in denial
because it was easier to stay by his side
if i thought he didn't get it
it made the abuse, junkie_bullshit easier to bear


now that all we have are phone_conversations
i_wonder if he reads the same meaning
into_the_silence
120805
...
unhinged oh lord

she's not a baby anymore. i live even further away, so do my parents. my sister doesn't respond to my attempts to communicate with her and her kids. i happened to be in town for a funeral around her birthday. it was nice to be at a birthday celebration in the midst of helping my mother write a eulogy and a wake, and standing in a cemetery in the middle of january.

we sat at opposite ends of the kitchen table eating our dinner. everyone was scattered about where ever they could find a seat. she was hunched over her plate, the posture of a tall girl in the midst of shorter people (she turned 10 that day and already is practically five feet tall; her 6'6" father being partially responsible i'm sure). one hand was loosely gathered around her glass, the other held a chicken bone near her mouth. i watched her eyes glass over, some photographic_memory or a similar hyperactive imagination enacting something on the backs of her eyes. i watched intently, a red haired version of myself at that age.

she felt me staring and looked up, guiltily. i just smiled and went back to picking around the olives in my pasta salad. she smiled shyly and put the chicken bone down on her plate.
120805
...
unhinged your eyes twinkle
my lips twitch upwards at the corners
our hearts speak to each other
140424
...
unhinged i pointed you towards things you didnt want to deal with
i was too close to the heart of your problem


the words seem hollow now
the actions are all that matter
140623
...
unhinged i dont want to talk 140624
what's it to you?
who go
blather
from