154_messages
imposter 154_messages

from nov 12, 2002
to nov 20, 2003

a year of emails. a year together. a year of friendship and love and heartbreak and everything. countless words. so so much. 1.5 megabytes of cyberspace. almost an email every other day for a year. . . everything

every
single
one
gone

"Delete folder?"

cries so hard and so long
031123
...
p2 wow
i never thought of that

a little larger than
the size of a floppy disk
virtually insignificant
compared to modern hard drives
and yet
they probably mean more
than all the tetrabytes
in the world

don't worry
one day
you will find someone
whose 1 message
will be worth more than
the 154_messages
031123
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u24 I can send you an application that may be able to recover them, imposter, if you want? 031123
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endless desire you deleted them? all of them?
after everything and you just...
fine. you know. just. oh.
i'll just sit here and try to cry, i mean care.
031123
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imposter i. had. to. to. let. go.

do you think i am enjoying this?
031123
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imposter 'try to cry, i mean care'

please dont hurt me like that. . .
031123
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closet ballerina only?
do you want some of mine???
i'm averaging at least half a dozen a day, and most of them are things i don't want to have to deal with anyway...
031123
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endless desire why the hell is it so all or nothing with you? im either the love of your life or absolutely nothing and you can't remember me or keep anything ive give you! are you going to wrip my pictures and letters and that little sign in your car and destroy the basket and everything? fine. go ahead. but the memories will still be there whether you destroy them or not. 031123
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endless desire OH and by the way, i left out the "not" in my statement. but i think i like it better as is. why dont you just leave blather alone? why do you have to come back here? i thought you were done with it. please don't spread your pity party throughout this beautiful place. 031123
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imposter there is no pity party. where do you see me being pitiful? im doing what we decided and what you wanted -- moving on. why. . . stop being mean. i still care. i dont want the memories to go. ever. but i cant keep these things around all the time if i am going to move on. the sign, all the things youve ever given me -- they are all tucked safely away and i never want to lose them. but i cant look at them wihout hurting. never lose the memories. or you. too_late 031123
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imposter oh, and thank you p2. that was beautiful 031123
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endless desire i know i know. and i do want you to move on and be happy. please. just be happy. don't make me feel guilty with this blather stuff. don't use something beautiful like that. 031123
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imposter it was never intended for pity. or to make you feel guilty. it was intended for me to get something out that hurt. a lot. i didnt enjoy deleting them. it felt blather-worthy to me. and p2 proved it was by putting something so meaningful, simple, and consoling beneath it. every time you talk you always seem so angry, and you always make me feel like a little boy whos sad all the time. go and be with your blue eyed boy. i am moving on. i am very sad about it. very sad. but its not the end of the world. im just fucking sad, ok? not mad or depressed or self-pitying. just sadly resigned 031123
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smurfus rex I had to do that once.
I didn't tuck anything away, though.
I gave it all back, and she gave all of mine back.
Except I think she kept a couple of my shirts.
Anyway, I deleted three years of emails.
It was like jumping off the high dive for the first time.
You're on the edge, you don't know if you can do it...

And then you jump, and your stomach leaps into your chest as you realize what you've done...

And then you hit the water, and your skin is stinging and your ears are ringing and as you surface from the water, you try to decide if the pain from the impact is enough to keep you from trying another dive.

Your decision will come in its time, and when you're ready for it, imposter.
031123
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Death of a Rose i couldn't have said it any better, so i didn't 031124
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p2 goddammit
terabytes
not tetrabytes

*hangs head in shame*
031124
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melted plastic i've been thinking about trying a variation on the theme:

i'll print them all up before deleting them, maybe rifle through the pages for one last go at the pointless sting, and then burn them.

it's a thought.
031124
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misstree burning does offer a more material and cathratic moment, but it's much more difficult to do than click away the memories. 031124
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endless desire i was only talking about someone having blue eyes. certainly no one i care about though.

i'll keep my memories thank you. if i delete them, what was the point in a relationship anyways? doesn't it seem like we are all living to make memories and be remembered?
031124
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bird when my phone service switches to my new carrier, i will lose about 30 voicemails i had been keeping over a span of the last four or so years... i don't know if they will carry over in the switch, i don't know if i should want them to 031124
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imposter the memories are all i have left now, and i never want to lose them

smiles. forever
031124
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endless desire if anything, i've learned that nothing lasts "forever". forever is a word made up by hopeless romantics and foolish girls like me who are too stupid to know when they are living a cliche. 031125
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imposter forever is for as long as you make it.

if i was a cliche, then i dont care. i damn well enjoy(ed) it
031125
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fetal_musings hah, not anymore, now there's 199. 031125
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User24 first my new DVD player didn't work properly. I think it's the video card.

then my speakers broke. I thought it was the sound card.

I installed a new sound card, but they still didn't work, so I re-installed windows.

Now they work, but only in mono, which makes them far too bassy. And means I wasted 10 on a soundcard.

Then my internet connection broke, and I spent at least 2 hours trying to re configure it.

Now I notice that in re-installing, all my emails have been deleted.

I hate computers sometimes.

In fact, they stress me out A LOT.

:(
031220
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magicforest I've deleted emails twice.

The first time I deleted their emails when I was angry and hurt and heartbroken and I regretted it.

The second time I deleted their emails when I was nonchalant and simply realized that they brought me not much nostalgia and I had released this person because he was no good for me and did not care about me, or if he did, it was in the wrong ways.

I am bad at deleting anything.
031220
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whitechocolatewalrus I don't have anyone to send me emails worth keeping. The most amount of mail in my save folder was five. Three of them being from me. I am pathetic. Either that, or there is no one who cares about me enough to send me mail. Maybe both. 031220
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Death of a Rose well, what's your e-mail addy whitesweetwalrus?

i'll ship you an e-mail becuase you are a welcome addition to the blather blue dream.

.
031221
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whitechocolatewalrus @hotmail.com 031221
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walrus and thank you. 031221
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Death of a Rose your quite welcome.

entirely my pleasure (and i mean that).
040104
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. . 050413
what's it to you?
who go
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