imposter 154_messages

from nov 12, 2002
to nov 20, 2003

a year of emails. a year together. a year of friendship and love and heartbreak and everything. countless words. so so much. 1.5 megabytes of cyberspace. almost an email every other day for a year. . . everything


"Delete folder?"

cries so hard and so long
p2 wow
i never thought of that

a little larger than
the size of a floppy disk
virtually insignificant
compared to modern hard drives
and yet
they probably mean more
than all the tetrabytes
in the world

don't worry
one day
you will find someone
whose 1 message
will be worth more than
the 154_messages
u24 I can send you an application that may be able to recover them, imposter, if you want? 031123
endless desire you deleted them? all of them?
after everything and you just...
fine. you know. just. oh.
i'll just sit here and try to cry, i mean care.
imposter i. had. to. to. let. go.

do you think i am enjoying this?
imposter 'try to cry, i mean care'

please dont hurt me like that. . .
closet ballerina only?
do you want some of mine???
i'm averaging at least half a dozen a day, and most of them are things i don't want to have to deal with anyway...
endless desire why the hell is it so all or nothing with you? im either the love of your life or absolutely nothing and you can't remember me or keep anything ive give you! are you going to wrip my pictures and letters and that little sign in your car and destroy the basket and everything? fine. go ahead. but the memories will still be there whether you destroy them or not. 031123
endless desire OH and by the way, i left out the "not" in my statement. but i think i like it better as is. why dont you just leave blather alone? why do you have to come back here? i thought you were done with it. please don't spread your pity party throughout this beautiful place. 031123
imposter there is no pity party. where do you see me being pitiful? im doing what we decided and what you wanted -- moving on. why. . . stop being mean. i still care. i dont want the memories to go. ever. but i cant keep these things around all the time if i am going to move on. the sign, all the things youve ever given me -- they are all tucked safely away and i never want to lose them. but i cant look at them wihout hurting. never lose the memories. or you. too_late 031123
imposter oh, and thank you p2. that was beautiful 031123
endless desire i know i know. and i do want you to move on and be happy. please. just be happy. don't make me feel guilty with this blather stuff. don't use something beautiful like that. 031123
imposter it was never intended for pity. or to make you feel guilty. it was intended for me to get something out that hurt. a lot. i didnt enjoy deleting them. it felt blather-worthy to me. and p2 proved it was by putting something so meaningful, simple, and consoling beneath it. every time you talk you always seem so angry, and you always make me feel like a little boy whos sad all the time. go and be with your blue eyed boy. i am moving on. i am very sad about it. very sad. but its not the end of the world. im just fucking sad, ok? not mad or depressed or self-pitying. just sadly resigned 031123
smurfus rex I had to do that once.
I didn't tuck anything away, though.
I gave it all back, and she gave all of mine back.
Except I think she kept a couple of my shirts.
Anyway, I deleted three years of emails.
It was like jumping off the high dive for the first time.
You're on the edge, you don't know if you can do it...

And then you jump, and your stomach leaps into your chest as you realize what you've done...

And then you hit the water, and your skin is stinging and your ears are ringing and as you surface from the water, you try to decide if the pain from the impact is enough to keep you from trying another dive.

Your decision will come in its time, and when you're ready for it, imposter.
Death of a Rose i couldn't have said it any better, so i didn't 031124
p2 goddammit
not tetrabytes

*hangs head in shame*
melted plastic i've been thinking about trying a variation on the theme:

i'll print them all up before deleting them, maybe rifle through the pages for one last go at the pointless sting, and then burn them.

it's a thought.
misstree burning does offer a more material and cathratic moment, but it's much more difficult to do than click away the memories. 031124
endless desire i was only talking about someone having blue eyes. certainly no one i care about though.

i'll keep my memories thank you. if i delete them, what was the point in a relationship anyways? doesn't it seem like we are all living to make memories and be remembered?
bird when my phone service switches to my new carrier, i will lose about 30 voicemails i had been keeping over a span of the last four or so years... i don't know if they will carry over in the switch, i don't know if i should want them to 031124
imposter the memories are all i have left now, and i never want to lose them

smiles. forever
endless desire if anything, i've learned that nothing lasts "forever". forever is a word made up by hopeless romantics and foolish girls like me who are too stupid to know when they are living a cliche. 031125
imposter forever is for as long as you make it.

if i was a cliche, then i dont care. i damn well enjoy(ed) it
fetal_musings hah, not anymore, now there's 199. 031125
User24 first my new DVD player didn't work properly. I think it's the video card.

then my speakers broke. I thought it was the sound card.

I installed a new sound card, but they still didn't work, so I re-installed windows.

Now they work, but only in mono, which makes them far too bassy. And means I wasted 10 on a soundcard.

Then my internet connection broke, and I spent at least 2 hours trying to re configure it.

Now I notice that in re-installing, all my emails have been deleted.

I hate computers sometimes.

In fact, they stress me out A LOT.

magicforest I've deleted emails twice.

The first time I deleted their emails when I was angry and hurt and heartbroken and I regretted it.

The second time I deleted their emails when I was nonchalant and simply realized that they brought me not much nostalgia and I had released this person because he was no good for me and did not care about me, or if he did, it was in the wrong ways.

I am bad at deleting anything.
whitechocolatewalrus I don't have anyone to send me emails worth keeping. The most amount of mail in my save folder was five. Three of them being from me. I am pathetic. Either that, or there is no one who cares about me enough to send me mail. Maybe both. 031220
Death of a Rose well, what's your e-mail addy whitesweetwalrus?

i'll ship you an e-mail becuase you are a welcome addition to the blather blue dream.

whitechocolatewalrus @hotmail.com 031221
walrus and thank you. 031221
Death of a Rose your quite welcome.

entirely my pleasure (and i mean that).
. . 050413
melted plastic here's how these things can come back to bite you.

in november of 2003 i had this plan. i was going to print every email i ever got from a few specific people who had once been an important part of my life, and every email i ever sent them. i was going to delete those emails, and then i was going to burn the pages they were printed on. i wanted to feel those relationships die. i wanted to kill them twice. i wanted to watch them turn to ash. i thought it would be cathartic.

i moved all the emails to the deleted folder in outlook express, but i didn't delete them. i let them sit there so they'd know where they were going. i printed some of them. then i got distracted and forgot to print the rest. i forgot about the whole thing.

four years later, my desktop computer got fried by a power surge. the guy who was my computer tech at the time came over to the house. by then i wasn't so angry anymore. i decided i didn't want to get rid of those emails. i told the computer tech it was important that he save everything. especially the emails sitting in the deleted folder. he said he understood.

he took the computer home with him. he brought it back a day or two later. everything was there except for the emails in the deleted folder. all the AIM conversations i saved (and there were a lot of those) were gone too. when i asked him what happened, he just smiled at me. when i asked him if there was a way to restore the deleted emails, he laughed and said no.

he was wrong. outlook express gives you two weeks to retrieve a deleted message. but by the time i found that out, it was too late to bring those emails back. they were gone.

he saved all the viagra spam. i guess he thought that was more important than a few hundred emails from real human beings who didn't think i needed a bigger dick.

i've never known why he did that. it still bothers me. i think it always will. he wiped out a part of my life i asked him to help me hold onto, and he thought it was funny. some of it's still there, but it only survived because there was a time when i wanted to destroy it.

seems fitting somehow.
what's it to you?
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